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#2641094 01/10/16 09:00 AM
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If a vet can help bring me some clarity ..please..
Is ptsd and midlife crisis a similar occurrence? I have no clue what the H truly has not that it makes a difference in the treatment ..I think. He has not been diagnosed with ptsd as he is very astute and was taught how to answer the correct way. He will not lose his guns and if he is declared with it...he probably will have to. He is not a danger to himself or others. I bear the brunt of his anger. All I hear from him ...is ..I deserve to be happy! Either way breaks my heart

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I've been thinking about your question, i.e., ptsd and midlife crisis a similar occurrence. In some ways yes and other ways no. MLC is about them going way, way back in time and reliving their childhoods. It's a place where they were emotionally stunted and they have to face those issues, accept the things that they can and realize as children, they were not the cause of whatever the authority figure did or didn't do to them. If they can heal themselves, they should come out better people.

Many of the symptoms are the same in both situations. Was/is your h a veteran or someone who has had to deal w/a severe trauma? Have you spoken to a professional about his ptsd? If not, I am going to suggest that you learn all you can about it because some of the symptoms are very different from MLC.

As for the guns, you can't assume anything when it comes to being a danger to himself or anyone else. If they get angry enough, they'll snap and do whatever they have to do to find some peace.

The "I deserve to be happy"! sounds like MLC script...but keep in mind, he could have both issues going on at the same time and it would be difficult for us to decide what is MLC and what is ptsd. We are not professionals here and can only offer up support and advise you to seek some counseling for yourself at this time. Me? I would be concerned about him having access to guns. Don't ever assume anything w/a person in crisis.

Please take care of yourself and if you are around him when he's angry, don't engage, say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away. You do not want to give him any additional fuel for that fire that is burning in his soul.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I would also suggest that you locate a support group that specializes in ptsd. It might be helpful to have a real group of people to talk to and bounce things off of in this area.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I am on a few sites. It is a bit depressing. My therapist believes he is going through both. He is frantically asking for the birth certificates and ssn. I have no clue what is going through his mind. My S6 had a fever and I took him into urgent care last night called H 4x and no answer until 7 am ...well he was fine yesterday and I am on my way to school...He has no feeling. I was told that since they had that wartime high that the rest of their life seems boring and they always chase the high. I think that is why he is in pilot school now...trying to get that adrenaline rush.
I am concerned about the guns but he has essentially axed me from his life. I feel like I never existed in it...other than to have his boys. He deflects all those issues on me.
My therapist is upset that he is not in any sort of treatment but in his mind I am the problem, which I guess it is why he needs that divorce so rapidly.

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Thank you for the advice on the support group..i will look into an inperson one as I already belong to a few only. Both scripts are very similar

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Give him the social security numbers - they will be needed for taxes.

Give him a xerox copy only of the birth certificates. If he needs originals he can order them. The only things I can think of that he might need the originals for are for school registration or passports.

Also - do you have any concerns that he might want to take them out of the country? I believe the passport office now requires both parents signatures on a passport but I also think there might be some kind of alert that you can put on their names to show that you don't give permission for them to get a passport.

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took pictures of everything and sent it. If he needs originals ..he can figure it out. I think he is trying to get a pell grant but does not want me to ask for any of it. sad how they are so quick to lose all faith in us. I know it is for his schooling ...I do not want his damn money other than what is right. oh well S6 is still ill fever and tummy bug..lack of sleep does not help my pma

/I did let him know that I understand he feels he needs the D but I disagree with it

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so I just got an email/ he is getting life ins.

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That could explain the need for the SSNs and the birth certificates. At least he told you. That's more than most of us get in the way of an explanation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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no lol I got an email from the bank letting me know. He is not sharing anything with me. I guess he is facing his mortality

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Thank goodness some info dropped into your lap today. I'm sorry, I did think your h was the one that told you. One thought...why is the bank notifying you about him getting life insurance? Is he getting it through the bank?

He's running scared and he thinks he's going to die soon. At least if he gets life insurance, it sounds like your children are going to be named beneficiaries.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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It is a military bank. They offer car insurance, home insurance, nd life insurance. I met with a dr today since son is s17 and s6 are both ill. She was a military wife and was very blunt in telling me to move on. She was like two weekends a month is enough for him,,he wants no responsibility...time to move on...

I AM NOT READY yet!!Everything inside me is telling me to just be strong and still

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Okay, that explains why they needed the info from your h for his life insurance through the bank.

When people hear what we are going through, the first thing out of their mouth is "move on". They do not understand that MLC separation/divorce is very different from a normal one. Until they walk a mile in your shoes, they will not understand. So, when people say "move on", allow the comment to roll off your back and continue doing what you think is best for you in your situation.

Trust me, you will know when you've had enough.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Def. not yet by any means. I do love him and if it will help to set him free so be it...but I do so with the notion that he is mentally broken and while I cannot fix him, I can shoulder the pain to myself. I talk to the boys about daddy being at school and how daddy loves them and what a great dad he is. I promised him years ago that ptsd ..missing limbs..anything I would stand . I keep my word. I am standing from a loving distance. He may not get it in a month or in a year but at some point ,my boys will know that even when I felt like curling up in bed to sob. I still put on a smile and helped with homework..playing uno..and I did everything possible to make sure they had a stable home. Just because something breaks does not mean we automatically toss it. Sorry for my diarrhea of the mouth...lack of sleep/sick kiddos/ and slow work day are not helping lol

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Tfish - sometimes, it is worth the effort to turn to the person who gives the "move on" advice and say: so, if tomorrow you fell into a deep depression, people should turn their backs on you ASAP? Or, if the person has a child ask: if your child became mentally ill should his/her spouse jump ship immediately? That advice, to me, is extremely cold. People forget there is a human being behind this depression.

Keep taking care of yourself and your children.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Many people don't understand why we would want to wait and stand
WE get it here

It is ok to take as much time as needed
I always felt there was no where else to go anyway
This way as you learn to accept what is, it also gives the MLCER a lot of time, space and distance to turn around..
Only each of us individually will know earn to let go
we stand in our grief..its hard to watch someone you love change drastically
being powerless


married 14 years
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My Hteen has been taking the boys to gun shows and will be buying my S6 a rifle. I am sooooo not ok with this. My S6 has sensory issues and I am just getting him back into treatments and possibly diagnosed with autism. H is in denial and I have no clue if this is something I can oppose in mediation..any ideas? My Hteen is not buying cars or fancy clothes...he is buying guns. I am started to get nervous about all his guns

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A rifle for a 6 year old? That's not good, especially if he's not had a gun safety class. I think I would have to talk to someone about this because this could lead to a dangerous situation or one whereby your son is out shooting and hit someone, an animal or damage a car or house.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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H is extra careful with his weapons...locked always unloaded but in this crisis mode it scares me. H states it will be at his place and will only come out to take him shooting. I have an apt set up with a behavior specialist for S6. I will tackle it there since Hteen is in I do what I effing want mode. He seems human enough but acts like We never were married. I am someone he knew a long time ago

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That's the way they act. They compartmentalize their lives and put us on the back burner, i.e., almost like we never existed in their lives. Funny, when they want something, they know where to find us.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I would feel uncomfortable also with the guns

and with my kids

Glad you have someone to speak with

it may mean talking to H and setting some limits kindly in a way he can understand


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Someone finally caught on at his appointment and he will be starting some sort of therapy. I am beyond relieved. It is no longer a figment of my imagination or just my opinion. God is great. Even if D still happens I know he will be ok for my boys and most importantly he will be ok

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I hope he goes to the therapy appointments and finds his way back to you and your sons.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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yes that is good..I hope so also that he finds his back back
hang in


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Hi tfish! I'm just jumping around, trying to catch up on all the MLC threads. One thing that jumps out at me is how very similar all the stories are, in spite of the differences.

I'm sorry you're here, too. This is crushing and so hard to understand. My plan is to learn all I can, and be patient. It's not like I'm in any hurry to move on and do something else. This whole experience has crushed me - I have lots of healing to do.

If it is any consolation at all, I come from a military family. Gun ownership was almost a rite of passage between father and sons in every generation. I hate the things, but have spent my entire life around them. Even my boys have them, but they did have to attend gun safety classes, in addition to what they were taught. It seems like the military dads do a good job of passing along the "rules". They teach the way they were taught.

In our family, the guns only came out of the safe for gun ranges or hunting trips. Yes - I was on pins and needles the entire time - but my boys! Oh, how they loved those trips with dad. It was definitely a male-bonding kind of thing.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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venting:
75% of my squad is home sick. I am exhausted... between strep..stomach flu and upper respiratory virus. I SURRENDER..
JK no surrendering... just needed to whine...now to nurse these minions back to healthy lol...

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((((hugs))))


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I am a basket case of emotions today...def hurt and angry... Hurt that my boys are sick. My S7 is really sick with the stomach bug now and I have to be working. I cannot afford to take a day off. ANGRY that my X has not called to check in on him once. Angry that I am in this sh7tstorm because I trusted too much. I feel like I am failing as a mom. I am feeling defeated today

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I am very sorry that you are having a terrible day. Please do not think that you are failing as a mother. It takes every bit of your strength to take care of sick children, do what needs to be done around the home and work a job.

Yes, I do understand your anger towards your husband, but you know that you can't rely on him right now. Heck, he can't even help himself, so how can he help you? His empathy chip is broken and he really has nothing to offer in the way of support right now. I know, it's not an excuse for bad behavior, but it's the best I can give you right now.

You are tired and stressed right now. Hopefully you can get your children settled down once you are home w/some hot soup, plenty of fluids and off to bed for the night. When the go to bed, you do the same or you will end up sick as well.

Please take care of yourself. Hopefully everyone will feel a bit better tomorrow.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Well I stepped in it tonight. 4 for 4 are/have been sick..this momma is on fumes. H called //I did not answer...he then texted me if Ihad the info for my attorney. I called him back and told him his sons were fine..thank you for asking and as I am tired I deserve a little time b4 I discuss the D with him, He went off telling me he deserves to be nappy and not miserable with me. He tells me that he just doesn't get why I can't let him go. ummmm I should of stfu smoothie...but no..i said who the hell wants to keep you the way you are...I respect my vows and am standing by them...but lets just say you aren't a huge prize right now...well he yelled he deserved to be happy...I just hung up...
I am soooooo exhausted///I wish he would have not called...well hit me I deserve it

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*happy not nappy lol

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My S17 is insisting I let him move back home to cali to stay with his coach and graduate with his friends. I truly am feeling broken

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Previous Thread:

so much hurt and anger


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I know it's scary to think about letting S17 go, but let's look at it objectively:

Do you NEED S17 to stay? That is, is he helping you with the younger kids in some way that you can't survive without? That's a lot to put on a 17 year old, but if you can't get to work without him transporting the kids from school or some such, you may have no choice but to say no.

Would he be well-supervised at his coach's home? Does the coach have a wife, will they make sure he stays out of trouble etc? It's a very big thing for teenagers to move away from their peers for the last year of high school, I can understand where he's coming from.

Does he need to escape the pain of the marriage breakdown? It's a lot for a 17 year old to handle and you might be doing him a favor by letting him get away from all the drama and pain.

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tfish - I went through this, too, years ago. My eldest son's senior year, my husband got a promotion and transfer to a different state. We really struggled with it, but we wound up letting him stay with some really good friends of ours in order to graduate with his friends.

It was so hard moving off and leaving him - but to this day, he thanks us so much for allowing him to do that. I was a kid who wound up moving to another state my senior year, and it was tough! I really resented having to graduate apart from my classmates. I think that is why I was able to have so much compassion for our son, and allow him to make a choice that was difficult on our entire family.

We flew him to our new home for every long break he had, we went to visit him as well, and we talked on the phone all the time. At first, it was hard on me - but as I listened to him talk, and heard the joy in his voice, I knew we'd made the right decision.

The biggest hurdle for you, I think, is making sure he's staying with someone you trust. We'd been friends for a long time with the family we left him with. They adored (still do!) him and gave him a safe home to stay in, even though it was already crowded with their three boys.

In the end, it was a good decision for our son's benefit. It was hard on his parents, but really - we only "lost" one official school year, and it didn't alter our family dynamics in any way. No closeness was lost, his needs were met, and every time we saw him it was like a party! What kid wouldn't love that?

My heart goes out to you. Having been there before, I understand your heartache. It was best for our son in the end, so even though it really was rough losing our eldest somewhat early, seeing his joy and gratitude helped us come to peace with it.

It probably wouldn't be so rough on you without all the other issues clouding the water. I promise you, your son's desire to graduate with his friends isn't in any way related to a desire to get away from you...he just doesn't want to start all over in a new school apart from his friends in what is easily the best school year of them all. Senior year. Remember? It is truly important to a teenager, when all the world revolves around them - he's not emotionally mature enough yet to realize what his leaving will cost you.

To you, it'll feel like yet another loss. To him, it would be one of the best things you ever did for him, providing he's staying somewhere he'll be safe and cared for, so he doesn't wind up in "unsupervised" kinds of trouble. This could be a really good maturing experience for him, as well.

I'm so sorry. I know how rough it is. (((Big hugs)))


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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ok so weird things are happening in the fish household. On the previous post I told you guys my S17 wanted to move back home. After reading your advice, I called the coach set things up. I talked to s17 and he says ...let me think about it...wtf??? H has sent a few texts then disappears. I finally caught the dang flu bug and feel like crud. H called today after being quiet for a few days...wanting to see the boys. He asked if I was crying. I said no I have the stomach bug. must sound like crap. anyways he says I can stay at your place and you can stay at mine so you can get some sleep...who offers that?? I politely declined since it is about 40 min away and I am sure I will not make it. He said ok I will bring my homework and you just go to sleep. I will handle things. Thank God because I really do need to sleep but ughh this just makes my heart start going into hyperdrive. I know NO EXPECTATIONS but I must say def CONFUSION.

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Hi - well, about your son, teenagers are quite up and down. However, even if he changes his mind and decides to stay he will probably remember that you did hear him and his needs. Given all that you have going on, that makes you a very kind and devoted mom. He will remember that!

As for your h, see what his actions show. Meaning, let's see if he actually posts. Keep your expectations really low and just act as if everything is ok with you, except you have a flu.

Also, I highly recommend picking up charcoal pills from an all natural health store. They eat up all that bad stuff in your stomach that is causing the bug. They really do work! You go from being sick for days to it just being absorbed by that charcoal. They have become a staple in our household and when my kids feel a stomach bug coming on, they open up the capsule and mix 1/2 of it in a 1/4 C. of water and viola--no nasty symptoms follow.

Take care of yourself and I hope your h does come to help.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Thank you for your advice on the charcoal pills. First time I have heard about them, I will definitely try. As for H he showed with a gift of smart water for me but forgot to get our S6 from my sister's house. Wow their brain is truly mush. Good thing it was my sister not a sitter.

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Yes, when they are in the deep fog, it is unbelievable how bad their memories are. For many, many months we would leave the driveway to go somewhere we had gone a 1000 times and my h would need reminders on where to turn.

I did not ask my h to do a thing for the kids in those days even though he lived at home. Sadly, I just didn't trust him to watch over them properly. It made me less angry as I could see with my very own eyes that he was lost, plain and simple.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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It was a decently pleasant weekend. I was able to sleep a bit on Saturday. We watched a movie ..he sat as far away as possible lol. We killed some zombies. Then I went to bed. Sunday he bought us breakfast and did my dishes and threw out my trash. I validated and told him I appreciated it. Went shopping while he stayed with the boys. My sister and her H came over, H grilled while I got the rest ready. H left around 4 ish . Said bye..blah blah blah. Then S7 had a fever and I took him to urgent care , he has strep. H was worrying since had tests this week and felt he could not come down. I told him to worry about kicking butt on his tests and I had S 7 taken care of. H plans for us to go shooting sat, then S7 bday dinner, and football on sunday. He is still in replay mode since he bought 2 more guns. I think he has bought 8 so far

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My SIL is in labor and I am not part of that family dynamic anymore. It makes me so sad , she and I were close but ever since my H left they have all rallied around my poor H(I have been a horrible wife )This thing really does affect the whole family...how sad

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Hi tfish,

I've been catching up on threads here and just wanted to commend you on getting your son treatment. It makes such a huge difference for them! My son has traveled from one end of the spectrum to the other, it's been amazing but I know how hard it can be. Stay strong!

Sorry to hear about your sil, hopefully things will change, I bet they will with some time.

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She had a boy!! I am in tears.. the plan was for me to be there and because of all the bs I am not even getting messages.

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I am sorry that you weren't part of the group that participated in the delivery process. A little boy! That's wonderful and I do hope that mother and babe are doing okay.

tfish, hopefully you will be a part of this child's life. It's more important to be there once they come home.

Again, I am so sorry that this went down the way it did.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Baby is healthy and doing great. That is something to be grateful for smile Now qx: My H has invited S17 and S 11 to go shooting and just assumed I would go too. Should I be ok with that? Not sure if I am reading too much into it. He is trying to spend more time with the boys and he is sending a few more texts. I know no expectations but man oh man is he confusing.

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Did he come out and say something about you going w/them? If he didn't, I think I would sit this one out unless he specifically asks you. But, again, it's up to you. Don't "assume" anything w/them because assumptions are generally wrong most of the time.

Yes, he is confusing because he's running on emotions. Keep the conversations light and on general topics, such as the children, etc.


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He said I am taking you shooting. I am going to ask the boys to go too. I tell you cuckoo bird. He wants me to meet him at the range. I told him I have an apt at 2 and he told me he will move it to 9am so I can be there. He also asked what my apt is. I told him it was personal...he is being curious now..i know I know... no expections

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Yes, he's a bit nutty these days, but don't allow his drama train to snag you as a passenger along the way.

Oh, he's going to be real curious as to what your "personal" appointment is all about. Don't be surprised if he quizzes you or the boys later about it.


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I am going to show up really dolled up for my appt. There is no reason I can't enjoy myself in teasing him a bit right? I need a good chuckle. I told my Sons I have a lunch date with friends just in case he asks.. but btwn us I am going to see my IC lol.

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You have to have a sense of humor to deal w/the MLCer. I see no reason for you not to look smashing.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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definitely!


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went shooting with H and S 11 on Saturday. My IC appointment was canceled and my desire to be nicely dressed was shut down by the cold breeze and the fact that it was an outdoor range. Had fun..no issues at all. Came home to get my kids ready for S8 (asoftoday) birthday party. Had fun playing laser tag. H went home to get his books and came back to my house. He was going to watch the boys so I can sleep. As soon as he walked in I went to bed. Got up Sunday went shopping for superbowl snacks and such. H took S17 shooting and I cooked, Anyhoo family came over around 3ish. Right before game H starts rehashing things. I told him I have let the past go and will not go back to visit it and left. Took a bath..calmed myself down..then went down and acted as if It did not bug me. I even helped him with some oil for his ear. He took a ton of leftovers and left. He was talking to my sister telling her that I refused to work and that was what the straw that broke the camel's back.
To be honest. I did not refuse to work, I refused to apply for a job in a new state without knowing where we were moving,what school and schedule my boys had, and lastly the schedule H was going to have. He says I did things backwards. Which is why we are so incompatible. Oh and the kicker..the boys can and should walk home by themselves.
On the plus..my BIL told me the reason he won't go shooting with H is because he will not reward his bad behavior. He is upset that since separation H has bought about 7 guns while I am working day and nights to make sure the boys are good. It felt nice to know he was on my side.
So while all interaction was not great..it was not horrible and things did not escale

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You handled your situation very well. I don't blame you, I wouldn't want to continue to rehash stuff over and over again.

Again, he's making excuses for why he's walked. I don't blame you. I wouldn't have applied for a job in a new state until I knew all of the particulars. Again, it's an excuse. Tomorrow it could be the sky is pink.

As for your BIL, I agree...why reward bad behavior. As for the guns, you can see what his priority is right now and it's not ensuring that the boys and you have $$$ for the things you need.

So, over all, it went better than expected. I'm very proud of the way you handled yourself. Keep up the good work!


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I am still confused at him offering his place for me to stay. I find it very annoying that he hates me but hey here stay at my place shocked

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They can do and say some really off the wall things. Maybe he's looking at you as a friend right now and not his wife. Then again, he may not have even realized what he said. Sometimes comments just slip out w/o any thought. I would just take that comment w/a grain of salt.


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He has offered twice.I just find it weird. I get he wants me to sleep but in what world is that normal?? but then again who goes shooting and bruises her jaw? and cracks her glasses? this gal..
but hey it just made it a memorable outing for S11 lol

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I am a bit delirious with work ... but hey you know things are getting better when you know that if it rains..tfish did it..If it snows..tfish did it..if there is a bug on your windshield...tfish did it. Anything that can and will go wrong.. is my fault....You are welcome lol

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Oh! So you are the reason for the messy weather coming my way tomorrow! LOL! Just kidding!

Please try not to take what he says personally because his little brain in bouncing off his skull and the wires are all tangled up. Remind yourself of this...you are the sane one right now. You can't control and/or fix him...he has to do this all on his own.


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My Fault..I take the blame lol. I used to accept all the blame. It was a 100% my fault. Not anymore. I tell him it takes two to tango. I have moved past the past and will not go back. There is no point in rehashing it. This man cannot remember anything he says or does..I am to the point of laughing this torture off.I agree with the whole men are from mars..women are from venus spiel. This experience has been eye opening. I know validate my S17..My H..My sister and anyone else that comes along and guess what? Not having the drama or feeding into it..is doing wonders for me. For now my H can keep spinning in his rotisserie oven while I stand for my boys.

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Finally! I can now figure out why all the bad things happen in this world wink LOL.

It's funny when it's so obvious what they are doing. When you can do nothing right. I recall those days and I agree with job - the brain is bouncing around looking for an answer as to "why" he is so unhappy. It couldn't "possibly" be him. wink

It's a process though. For now he blames you. What do you suppose he'll do if that doesn't work (and how could it? It's NOT you smile )

Hang in there, tfish!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Yes MLC is more like a rotisserie oven!!! But a herky-jerky one!! LOVE this and I am laughing out loud! Go Tfish!!!

After BD but before I knew it was MLC I suggested m counseling. H's very serious response (with straight face and shark eyes): "there is no point, everything is your fault."

When I told the first IC this, she never met him but said anyone who says such a thing has no self awareness whatsoever.

Ding, ding, ding we have a winner!!! Boy, did she call it!!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Oh gosh HaWho. When I suggested MC soon after BD my H said (snappily) "that's not my idea of romance!" crazy


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SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Tfish - as everyone says of course you are not to blame. But maybe be careful on your response to it all. Your h also may be trying to get a reaction out of you so that when you two argue he has his "reason" why he is unhappy.

There was a period where my h did this. He would blame me for ridiculous things, I would counter him thinking I was setting the record straight but I soon realized that by engaging, this led to light arguing and I was keeping myself in his formula giving him a false target for his unhappiness.

Then Job taught me to say, calmly and quietly, "sorry you feel that way" and walk away. This way I did not engage with him so how could I be the cause of his unhappiness? Just a thought.

Sotto - laughing out loud at your h's immature MLC thought process.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Mine went into MC and said this relationship is beyond charred there is no sense in even doing this. Oh he tries to get me to argue but his face when I walked away was priceless. I am learning, of course I still trip up sometimes but not as much. I just laugh now (at everything is my fault.) I like to go out with my sister and vent...see that hole in the road..yep me , I did it....see that dent in the car...I did it. I must say it has become a fun game.

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Yes! You see now, the more you can emotionally distance, the quicker you see the craziness of it all. When you stay involved in it, it's like you're in the spin cycle with them. If we can keep our mouths closed, we take ourselves out of the equation and we can really see what is going on.

P.S. S12 did not eat a good breakfast today. It is your fault and I expect you to fix it. Ha ha!!

Good job! Keep focusing on you and your kids and leave him to Kookooville.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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venting or journaling:
I am getting very nervous and anxious. I have a behavior evaluation for S6 and I just worry what all this situation has done to him. I am worried they are going to tell me I am failing him as a mom. I am so worried about him. He is so sweet but has really been struggling.

H did not call S8 for his bday. I guess he figured his party on Sat was enough?? I did see that he is now taking testosterone ( pills were in his car) I have not been spying.
I am really in hate mode now. I think it has to do with my son's evaluation coming up. H says S's behavior has nothing with my H leaving. I am just fried and done.

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Quote:
I did see that he is now taking testosterone ( pills were in his car) I have not been spying.


Testosterone is not usually given as pills (sometimes sublingual lozenges from a compounding pharmacy). The usual methods of delivery are gels, creams, patches or injections. This makes me question whether what he has is legitimately prescribed, or whether perhaps he has been buying something off the internet or if it's just some kind of supplement touted as a testosterone booster. Did you get any more information off of the label?

Your H is relatively young, correct? (under 45?). Testosterone deficiency in this age group is uncommon (not impossible). Undiagnosed hypothyroidism is one possible cause of low testosterone in men.

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It is a supplement pill from gnc. I have no clue why he is taking it.. not my circus not my monkeys
Well S6 was diagnosed with adhd and will be starting more therapy.
I was asked to bring S8 to be evaluated also. I did not text H to let him know because well let's face it...if he wanted to know he would ask.
I wish I could wake up from this horrid nightmare and while I am fully aware , I am blessed to have my boys with me and safe. That I have a job that allows me to be available for them. That I can provide for my boys as best I can.
I miss talking to my H. Laying in his arms. I miss him.

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Hi

I often also feel so grateful my kids were with me the whole crises
It is a nightmare , but on the other side is a definite rainbow
It is a time of deep transformation and growth for the LBS
it was a life changing experience for me
and my Relationships with my kids and with everyone have changed for the better
I know you miss him and Im sorry for your pain

Hang in you are doing well


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Had a nice morning boys gave me flowers and I took them out for breakfast. H came over to spend time with the boys. He watched a movie with me. It was quite peaceful and then I messed it up. He went to leave and I was just so sad I asked for a kiss on my forehead, He could not and left. ughhh I want to crawl into bed and disappear

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I'm glad your sons gave you flowers. I'm sure you and the boys had a nice breakfast. It's the little things that we will remember in the years to come that the children do for us. Treasure those moments.

Don't beat yourself up over asking for a kiss. We all take a step backwards during this journey. Now, you know not to ask again. So, continue moving forward and let it go.


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H keeps sending me randomn memes and texts. I reply back after a bit with a few funny ones. He is going to a wedding this weekend and I hate that I will not be there.. but then again I am always the DD for a bunch of drunk Marines and would rather be home snuggling my minis. I do not like that he can just up and leave like that...then again I feel sadness for him. He is trying to relive his youth and missing out on being part of his son's youth. This whole weekend thing and no calls for them is not being a good father. I showed him the adhd diagnosis and sensory processing disorder diagnoses and he just tossed them over like he could care less. When H came over he had a nasty cough and now my s11 has it . Off to the drs again . My H used to complain about his dad not being around for him and now he is behaving the same way. It is freakish how they turn into everything they used to hate. Oh well enough about him...I just got my S6 Kinder graduation pics and they are adorable. His gown is red and my S17 is also red. Kinda weird to have a son graduating high school and one graduating kinder. My boys are so sweet .. every night they tell me I am the bestest mom and they love me most times infinity times infinity times infinity.
As for me I wake up and name the things I am grateful for. It puts things into perspective. My H basically has handed my boys over to me. I have this gift of time with them and while it is tiring at times I would not give up those nightly kisses and snuggles for anything. I am grateful that I have been able to shield them from alot

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I think I have been replaced by a dog..yes you read that correct. My H is in love with who is going to be his service dog. Everything he does now revolves around her. He texts my sister to check on what shots he needs to get her.
How sad it is to feel that my H has more love for this dog than for his S's and Me?
I need perspective...I feel stagnant

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Wow, I said this exact same thing! "I think I've been replaced by a dog!" My H got a dog just before Christmas and he also was showing him some love...cuddling with him, sleeping with him. He wouldn't sleep with me, but he would sleep with his dog. That make me feel about an inch high. Yuck.


Me: 51 H:50
M: 28 years T: 31 years
4 Ds: 24, 22, 19, 17
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Papers pulled Aug 2015
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Prayers needed: My H is staying with me next week. It is to help with the boys while he is on spring break. He will be staying in his own room with his dog(0_0). Pray that he doesn't get to me.. this man knows how to push my buttons. He offered and the boys were excited. I am scared to scare him away. I still feel like I am on eggshells and I hate this feeling. I need help detaching again

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Go back and re-read the detachment thread at the top of the MLC Forum. That should help you quite a bit. If you feel yourself being sucked back into the drama, walk away, find something to do, go to another room, etc. Since you are aware that he knows how to push buttons, I would suggest that you can be civil, but distance yourself a bit by the suggestions I have provided to you.

Take care of yourself.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I will print it out and put it next to my bed and read it over and over and sneak on here if I am about to lose it. I have a feeling I might be logging in quite a few miles on the treadmill during that week lol. I am glad he is reconnecting a bit with the boys. They miss daddy. A little miffed that he let them stay up Sat night and on sunday they were done. They feel asleep early and stuggled to wake up for school.
I did note something interesting, He was supposed to help S with his project over the weekend. Did not get done. H said well S8 wanted to stay up and play 0_0 ummm who is the adult?
He went to the store to get some supplies and made sure I knew they were for S8 and not for me lol. My sister and I helped S with his project and after H was long gone she treated me to a strawberry cheesecake shake for putting up with H.

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I am so angry today. I get a call from s school saying my S is not cooperating and not doing any work that he has shut down. I know why..He doesn't like the shirt he had to wear as thing 1 for school.
Had to disconnect from a client and run with a new shirt to the school. I spoke to S talked about listening and being a good kid He is now happy since he switch out his shirt. My H doesn't deal with these situations. He doesn't see any of this. He doesn't call them to check on them. I hate that I have such a mindless zombie for an H. It makes me so sad for my S that any little thing can ruin his morning

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Your sister sounds great..Lucky to have a caring sibling

some kids are sensitive..some things make them feel uncomfortable
My 14 year old son doesn't like lint on his black pants so he rolls it off with a tape brush
that stuff would nt bother me on my pants, but it does him?
My D was sensitive mostly to noise ..its there makeup and I found it helpful to go with it and just try to be there for her

I can relate ..it used to bother me that my XH was so uncaring to their needs during MLC
when my son had asthma and needed treatments during the night, i was on my own
xh wouldn't respond to calls


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He never showed Sons were expecting him and he flaked on them. Not replying to a message or calling in over a week. He was supposed to come stay over this week and help. After flaking fri .. I left him alone on sat. then I invited him over for dinner ...no reply...radio silence..The boys keep asking for dad. What do I say? they saw me text him ?

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He is back to being angry and denies ever saying he was staying with us to help. I am at a lost. what am I supposed to do?

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Hi tfish, sorry this is happening to you. I was struggling with questions this weekend too and I didn't know what to say either. MLCers put us in such bad positions, lie for them, pretend things are okay lying to kids, or tell them the truth and see them hurt. It's sad they can't see what they are doing to everyone else. I don't know if I'm saying the right things to my kids, sometimes it's a struggle to keep it together when they ask or tell me something, but I make sure they know I am always there for them and love them. Sometimes I feel i can't do much else, it's like trying to explain crazy to a child.

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He probably truly does not remember saying he was going to come. The memory of a MLCer can be like a sieve. And once they come out of it, they won't remember half of the awful things they have said.

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Ain't that the crazy truth... he told S6 that he would be over this afternoon and then did not show. S6 called him and he said he was about to go fly...then why the hell promise. All my kiddos are really starting to show signs of being affected by this. S11 is sad and angry because dad never shows. S8 is pitching fits in class even crying for over an hour. S6 Keeps asking what day it is because dad said he was coming. I tell them daddy is at school and has a lot of homework.
I play with them and try to redirect them to other things. Right now we are reading the sideways story books and that seems to help. As for me gal...I fail. I work..pickup kids..homework..dinner.. and more work..then sleep.

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Tfish - you aren't failing at GAL; this looks very different with young children in tow. Really, as the primary care giver to young kids, you still have to meet many of their needs to help then along. And, given all that is happening, you have to be present for them. However, I am sure you are burning out. Can your sister come and watch a movie with the kids so you can get out for a bit? Go do something nice for you?

As for the questions your kids are asking about their dad, you may want to come up with some sort of strategy here. You're walking a tough line because you want to protect your kids from what is happening but you may not want to act like everything he is doing is perfectly fine?

So when my h checked out and went MIA in replay, I started as you did: making excuses. But replay can go on for some time and the excuses may wear thin? I can tell you some of the things that worked for me/us and maybe some of them can help you if you want to try different things.

I co-slept with my kids for quite some time when my h started acting off and the kids started to react. This reduced their anxiety. I showed lots of affection: hugs for no reason, hair touslling, etc. I listened a lot and I answered my older son's questions honestly. Both my kids knew their dad was off and I started to say "your dad is going through a funk. It happens." And I shrugged it off. They followed my lead.

If your h is communicating through you as to when he will come, you may want to consider saying nothing to the kids so as not to set their expectations? Maybe you already do this? If he communicates with the kids and then doesn't post, this is where it just is so tough. This is where I started to say "he sure is in a funk." "People can be off. It happens." Then I would get them busy.

Remember- you weild more parental power than you know! One stable parent can do it. I am thinking of you.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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I let them sleep with me on the weekends . During the week I am taking calls at night. I did however bunk S8 and S 6 with S11. They are in a big room and all 3 beds fit comfortably. It seems to really help them to. They tend to sleep better and not as much waking up at night.
My sister will be taking them all next week as it is spring break and I need to work. I will go after work spend the afternoon then come home. I will try to sneak in a movie.
H has been telling them directly..I know how forgetful he gets so I try not to mention anything.
I kinda believe my H has a mix of ptsd/ with a mlc. My oldest 2 know dad is having those issues. They are military brats and have seen this with other friend's parents.
I have reached out to a few centers and will be starting counseling for them soon.
He lost his dog on Friday and I believe it triggered him back into a state of replay if that makes sense. He found her but the anxiety he felt must have been debilitating. Since then he has disappeared.
Good news my S was accepted into the university he wanted and considering this sh&t storm I think it is amazing and wonderful!
So proud of him.
I just feel like there is so much going on and no chance to catch my breath

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When my H got flaky with my son, like Hawho, I told him daddy is going through something right now that makes him a little sad and forgetful. I explained that he needs some time to himself, but told him, over and over, that it had nothing to do with him, that he did nothing wrong. That is the big thing for me, I hate for children to think it is because of them. I also gave him extra attention and spent all my time with him until I noticed him get more stable and comfortable with the situation.

I find honesty as the best approach, children are way smarter than they get credit for. Acting as if everything is normal could confuse them. Validate their feelings.

I think it's great they are sleeping together, it should be a comfort for them. Great news about your son too! I know it's hard, but don't forget about taking care of yourself in between.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Great news on your son's acceptance to his top choice! What a relief for you to have that all done. And yes, considering all that's happening, it goes to show how resilient people can be.

Awesome idea having all the kids sleep together on the weekdays then with you on the weekends.

And, so glad to hear your sister can help you during the break.

That's all good stuff!!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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You are doing such good job through this

I am happy for your son and Your sister sounds like a great support


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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congrats to you and your son! you really are doing great! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Excellent news on your son! And having so much going on is sometimes just what we need. Keep it up!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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As the wheel turns(in his rotisserie oven)H actually showed up for S17's university dinner. He has gone deeper into his hidey-hole. No calls. No messages. I must have caused all the thunderstorms lately and pissed him off. Dang I am just so evil.
As for me..I need to work on my poker face. My H always tells me why do you always look mad when you see me? I would love to say because you are douche but I guess that would put me further away from my goal lol. I need to work on my neutral and cheerful disposition.Having a resting b!tch face while trying to work on me and my M is not good.
I plan on going to a ptsd support group soon. I need to get as much info as possible and set my S's up with a counselor

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I'm glad your h turned up at your S17's university dinner. As for him going deeper into the hole, you didn't cause it. They tend to pop out and emotions remind them of what they had and then the scurry right back into the role. You aren't evil and if he's saying that you look mad, that sounds to me like projection and guilt on his part.

Keep the focus on you and your children. Leave him in the rabbit hole.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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well I failed...My H asked to come see the boys I said ok. The boys have been acting up so I thought it would be nice. He then proceeded to tell me I will be emailed the divorce decree this week? WHAT?? never received anything before this I told him I would not sign...spew spew spew I validated the best I could. He said why can't you let me go. I said I love you and owe it to my boys to fight for us. After discussing some things..he agreed to therapy at the VA. I have no clue if it will help us but if it helps him then I can live with it. I told him that on our 20th session I will sign the papers...How bad did I screw this up?

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Not sure how bad you screwed it up, but man, I love that. 20th session? I'm really pulling for you!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Me too. I think there is a fine line between patience and action. No sense spending years on the sidelines if H is willing to try to face this situation. Good luck,


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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I'm glad that he's agreed to therapy...but don't be surprised if he comes back after the 20th session and reminds you that you need to sign the papers. (I hope that I'm wrong about that.)

I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and hope that the therapy will help him. I hope that he wakes up enough to realize that he needs to be at home w/you and the boys.

For now, listen, validate and just be a friend to him. If he wants to talk about his therapy sessions, then listen, but don't offer advice.

Continue to keep the focus on you and your sons. Allow the man upstairs to do his work on your h.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I am quite certain he is going to bring it up every session but for now I will take it..I know he is done..his family is funding his happy life yay frown Same spew we are not compatible..i forgive you but...blah blah blah. He always said I will not be like my bros and depend on mom and boom there he is. The therapy is more of a make sure he treats my boys right while with him. He told me he is just going so that I will sign and yes that is sad but these are ptsd trained therapists and might be able to get him the help he denies he needs. After that I can say I gave it a 100%. My heart breaks but I cannot force him to feel when he is numb.

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Do NOT sign any divorce papers without thorough legal representation. If he wrote them up I'm pretty sure the terms are not favorable to you or your kids.

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I agree w/kml...DO NOT sign and/or agree to anything w/o a lawyer reviewing the papers, etc.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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that is the plan..he is in a hurry since he scheduled our first appointment on sunday

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It's time to start a new thread. I think I've pushed your replies/posting to 101.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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