Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know it's scary to think about letting S17 go, but let's look at it objectively:
Do you NEED S17 to stay? That is, is he helping you with the younger kids in some way that you can't survive without? That's a lot to put on a 17 year old, but if you can't get to work without him transporting the kids from school or some such, you may have no choice but to say no.
Would he be well-supervised at his coach's home? Does the coach have a wife, will they make sure he stays out of trouble etc? It's a very big thing for teenagers to move away from their peers for the last year of high school, I can understand where he's coming from.
Does he need to escape the pain of the marriage breakdown? It's a lot for a 17 year old to handle and you might be doing him a favor by letting him get away from all the drama and pain.
tfish - I went through this, too, years ago. My eldest son's senior year, my husband got a promotion and transfer to a different state. We really struggled with it, but we wound up letting him stay with some really good friends of ours in order to graduate with his friends.
It was so hard moving off and leaving him - but to this day, he thanks us so much for allowing him to do that. I was a kid who wound up moving to another state my senior year, and it was tough! I really resented having to graduate apart from my classmates. I think that is why I was able to have so much compassion for our son, and allow him to make a choice that was difficult on our entire family.
We flew him to our new home for every long break he had, we went to visit him as well, and we talked on the phone all the time. At first, it was hard on me - but as I listened to him talk, and heard the joy in his voice, I knew we'd made the right decision.
The biggest hurdle for you, I think, is making sure he's staying with someone you trust. We'd been friends for a long time with the family we left him with. They adored (still do!) him and gave him a safe home to stay in, even though it was already crowded with their three boys.
In the end, it was a good decision for our son's benefit. It was hard on his parents, but really - we only "lost" one official school year, and it didn't alter our family dynamics in any way. No closeness was lost, his needs were met, and every time we saw him it was like a party! What kid wouldn't love that?
My heart goes out to you. Having been there before, I understand your heartache. It was best for our son in the end, so even though it really was rough losing our eldest somewhat early, seeing his joy and gratitude helped us come to peace with it.
It probably wouldn't be so rough on you without all the other issues clouding the water. I promise you, your son's desire to graduate with his friends isn't in any way related to a desire to get away from you...he just doesn't want to start all over in a new school apart from his friends in what is easily the best school year of them all. Senior year. Remember? It is truly important to a teenager, when all the world revolves around them - he's not emotionally mature enough yet to realize what his leaving will cost you.
To you, it'll feel like yet another loss. To him, it would be one of the best things you ever did for him, providing he's staying somewhere he'll be safe and cared for, so he doesn't wind up in "unsupervised" kinds of trouble. This could be a really good maturing experience for him, as well.
I'm so sorry. I know how rough it is. (((Big hugs)))
ok so weird things are happening in the fish household. On the previous post I told you guys my S17 wanted to move back home. After reading your advice, I called the coach set things up. I talked to s17 and he says ...let me think about it...wtf??? H has sent a few texts then disappears. I finally caught the dang flu bug and feel like crud. H called today after being quiet for a few days...wanting to see the boys. He asked if I was crying. I said no I have the stomach bug. must sound like crap. anyways he says I can stay at your place and you can stay at mine so you can get some sleep...who offers that?? I politely declined since it is about 40 min away and I am sure I will not make it. He said ok I will bring my homework and you just go to sleep. I will handle things. Thank God because I really do need to sleep but ughh this just makes my heart start going into hyperdrive. I know NO EXPECTATIONS but I must say def CONFUSION.
Hi - well, about your son, teenagers are quite up and down. However, even if he changes his mind and decides to stay he will probably remember that you did hear him and his needs. Given all that you have going on, that makes you a very kind and devoted mom. He will remember that!
As for your h, see what his actions show. Meaning, let's see if he actually posts. Keep your expectations really low and just act as if everything is ok with you, except you have a flu.
Also, I highly recommend picking up charcoal pills from an all natural health store. They eat up all that bad stuff in your stomach that is causing the bug. They really do work! You go from being sick for days to it just being absorbed by that charcoal. They have become a staple in our household and when my kids feel a stomach bug coming on, they open up the capsule and mix 1/2 of it in a 1/4 C. of water and viola--no nasty symptoms follow.
Take care of yourself and I hope your h does come to help.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you for your advice on the charcoal pills. First time I have heard about them, I will definitely try. As for H he showed with a gift of smart water for me but forgot to get our S6 from my sister's house. Wow their brain is truly mush. Good thing it was my sister not a sitter.
Yes, when they are in the deep fog, it is unbelievable how bad their memories are. For many, many months we would leave the driveway to go somewhere we had gone a 1000 times and my h would need reminders on where to turn.
I did not ask my h to do a thing for the kids in those days even though he lived at home. Sadly, I just didn't trust him to watch over them properly. It made me less angry as I could see with my very own eyes that he was lost, plain and simple.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
It was a decently pleasant weekend. I was able to sleep a bit on Saturday. We watched a movie ..he sat as far away as possible lol. We killed some zombies. Then I went to bed. Sunday he bought us breakfast and did my dishes and threw out my trash. I validated and told him I appreciated it. Went shopping while he stayed with the boys. My sister and her H came over, H grilled while I got the rest ready. H left around 4 ish . Said bye..blah blah blah. Then S7 had a fever and I took him to urgent care , he has strep. H was worrying since had tests this week and felt he could not come down. I told him to worry about kicking butt on his tests and I had S 7 taken care of. H plans for us to go shooting sat, then S7 bday dinner, and football on sunday. He is still in replay mode since he bought 2 more guns. I think he has bought 8 so far
