Hi All. I have been lurking these last few months and just got up the courage to post. I've never before posted on any kind of forum. My story is similar to many others. I got the ILYBINILWY speech in July 2014. My H said he was unhappy, I was controlling and he thought our relationship was bad for our young boys. A few months later he moved out. I did all the wrong things in the beginning..begging/pleading/saying things would change, but it did no good. I snooped in his accounts and then would confront him with accusations that I didn't necessarily know were true. I made up stories in my head about what he was doing and convinced myself they were real. I am now getting to a place where I know I need to detach, but can't seem to find the right path. Everyone is so helpful and I really need advice.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi MM, Please read everything Cadet has sent to you. And please post more about your history and current status. I'm having a brutal day, so I won't be of much help right now. There are plenty of veterans here that will chime in with good info for you. Be well.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks. A little more background. We have been together most of our adult life, both in our 40s. Married 15 yrs with two young boys. About 2 yrs ago I was told (anonymously) that my H was having an affair with someone he worked with. I confronted him and he assured me nothing was going on. The "reasons" this person believed he was having an affair didn't seem to add up to me, and I have always been in charge of all finances, so I never saw anything. My H was upset I didn't believe him and gave me full access to email/phone etc. For yrs I found nothing, but he started to distance himself b/c he said he felt I would never trust him. In the summer of 2014 I got the speech and said all the wrong things. I was upset and asked so are you just going to move out? He said yes. We have been separated now for over a yr and he told me he will never come back. He said he doesn't have to tell me what he is doing/where he is going. He is adamant that he doesn't see his kids enough, but we agreed on a arrangement when he left and I am not interested in giving up any more time with them. I can't seem to stop thinking about where he is and what he is doing, although I don't ask. I try to keep busy with friends when he has the kids and with the kids when they are with me, but I'm still struggling to detach.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
We have been separated now for over a yr and he told me he will never come back.
Everything he is saying is script.
And as far as never changing, hmm - I bet he also gave his marriage vows in free will too and now has changed that decision also. Don't believe anything he says!
What do I want...tough question. I want my old H back, I want a better marriage. The last several years have been hard and I only really noticed it after he left. He would ask if I was happy and I would say yes, but I don't think I really was. Over the last several years I've pretty much been all consumed with the kids. I forgot about who I was as a person and just became the kids mom. I work full time, so I felt like when I was home I should be with them. I lost touch with so many friends and stopped doing a lot of things I used to enjoy. Recently I started walking with a group of ladies in my neighborhood. I have also started reaching out to some friends I lost touch with over the years. My H has always had a lot of friends (many of them single) so he can go out all the time. Most of my friends are married with kids, so our schedules just don't line up. I know I need to get out and make some new friends, but I'm still struggling so much with self confidence, that it is difficult. My IC keeps telling me I just need to do it. My resolution for 2016 is to do just that.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Today was a tough day. I feel like I make progress, then take two steps back. The holidays I know are tough for many and they seemed especially hard for me this year. During this holiday my H told me he was "dating" someone. He said he wasn't sure what to call it but he would go out with a bunch of "friends" and there was one girl in particular he would talk with. It hit me very hard. I always feared this time could come, but was secretly hoping he would come to his senses and come home before it ever happened. I feel like I've always been pretty independent and self confident, but I just feel so low right now. I feel like I don't know this man at all. This "girl" as he calls her is likely from a group of friends that his divorced buddy hangs out with. I'm guessing she is 10+ yrs his junior. I know I shouldn't, but I'm still stuck wondering what she has that I don't.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
What do I want...tough question. I want my old H back, I want a better marriage. The last several years have been hard and I only really noticed it after he left. He would ask if I was happy and I would say yes, but I don't think I really was. Over the last several years I've pretty much been all consumed with the kids. I forgot about who I was as a person and just became the kids mom. I work full time, so I felt like when I was home I should be with them. I lost touch with so many friends and stopped doing a lot of things I used to enjoy. Recently I started walking with a group of ladies in my neighborhood. I have also started reaching out to some friends I lost touch with over the years. My H has always had a lot of friends (many of them single) so he can go out all the time. Most of my friends are married with kids, so our schedules just don't line up. I know I need to get out and make some new friends, but I'm still struggling so much with self confidence, that it is difficult. My IC keeps telling me I just need to do it. My resolution for 2016 is to do just that.
Hey, mm! Welcome to the wonderful, life saving, supportive DB boards. Sorry you have to find yourself here, but it is a safe place that will help you enormously through this tough time.
Your post looks just like my posts on my thread. It looks like you have a great start on GAL already and are searching for a way to find yourself again. That's at least 1/2 the battle!
Self confidence will come as you do more on your own...as you overcome each tiny (or great) challenge, like meeting new people.
Don't worry about the possible OW (easier said than done, I know), she is not your concern right now. Focus on you. You will hear this a lot, but it is true.
Keep reading, posting and learning. It will help.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I feel like I have learned so much just reading through others situations. I am finally (after 1 yr) learning that I was likely still pursuing my H. I kept telling myself I wasn't...that I would only contact him about things for the kids. While that was technically true, it was contact to see if he would reply back. I am looking back now and see that none of those "questions" needed to be asked the moment I asked them. I can imagine to him it may have looked like I was checking up on him, and that's probably exactly what I was doing. I am now trying a new "experiment". I ask myself several times if I really need to contact him regarding the kids. If the answer in the moment is yes, I make myself wait at least 1 hr. If answer is still yes, I contact. If it's no, I don't contact or wait until I see him at kid drop off to ask/tell. I've only been doing this for 2 days, but my goal is a week. If I can do it for a week, I'll aim for longer and hopefully it will start to sink in. I am a doer/fixer who likes being in charge. In my head I know I can't be in charge of him or "fix" him, but it is so very difficult to remind my emotions of that.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
So now I'm up to 3 days and it actually feels pretty good. Ironically I have gotten about 6 texts from H (mostly stuff about the kids), but I generally never hear from him that much in one day. I'm trying to remind myself it means nothing, but I still get a little flustered when I hear the text come through. I am really to try to look at the situation objectively, but it is tough. When I read other's situations it seems so much more clear that the path they are taking to work on themselves is the best one, but when it comes to looking at myself I just can't see it. I was looking at old (pre H) pictures last night and it reminded me that I did have a life before him. Hopefully that will help me to train my brain to realize I could have a life without him to. Anyone have any specific things they do to help stop the constant thoughts of H/W from popping into their heads?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Another day...hopefully this will start to get easier soon? I'm over a year into this..what am I doing wrong. I was reading through another thread and found some advice posted that said beware of "friends" who have had EM affairs as they will try to convince your H/W it's OK...or pull them in. I fear that is what is happening in my situation. My H's friend has been divorced for a few years (due to him having an affair) and now he is pulling my H into that lifestyle. My H has always been a follower and this friend is definitely a leader. I know nothing I say to him will mean anything, but how can he not see that is what is happening?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Hi I am new here also and i feel for you. My story is a bit different but its still one of losing my loved one, fear and anger
What [censored] is you can't control what he does, thinks and his actions. I am only a few days into this (DB) and it is hard. I want to text her when she isn't around and hope for that magic text or call or discussion that she is confused and wants to work on things.
But I would only try to recommend as a newbie that you read the stories and posts here as I have been doing myself now for the past few weeks and try to stay strong. Do other things, love your family and maybe one day he wakes up and understands the vow he made and that the grass isn't greener
Its' easy to run and flee ....what is harder and more work is fully working on a marriage
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Another tough day. I have been doing pretty well not initiating any communication and only responding when a question is asked. My H and I got into a text discussion this morning and he asked if he could call. We really struggle when talking in person and on the phone, so I should have known better, but I talked anyway. It wasn't good. He knows exactly what to say to get me worked up and even though I see it happening I have trouble stopping myself. His main complaint (and the reason he claims for having filed for divorce) is that the way we communicate (yelling at each other according to him) is bad for the kids and he doesn't want to put them through that. I know that my actions will speak way louder than any words I say, but gosh does he know how to trigger me. I've read through the validation thread a few times (and gotten some stock phrases from my IC) but I feel like even when I use them the situation escalates. I know I can only control me. I know I should just end the conversation and walk away, but when I try to do that he just says that's what I always did and that's why we can't be together. He's right...that's what I always did, so am I just doing more of the same? What am I missing here?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Reading others situations and really looking into my own has definitely opened my eyes. I am beginning to realize the things I need to work on, however I've now found a new fear. I am a fixer....I know this. Now that I realize what I need to work on I keep thinking that if I just fix myself I will "fix" the R. I can see that seems controlling, no wonder my H says that I am controlling him. I keep telling myself I'm not, but maybe I am? How can I convince myself that fixing me is for me, not for the R. That fixing me could very well not fix the R. I understand this logically, but cannot seem to accept it emotionally.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
This is all real hard. I am a newbie but probably here too late.
You will struggle daily with this. I can only say that the advice I got on this board and started reading the book does make sense. I also saw a therapist who said the same thing.
It tugs at logic. How can i not try to fix things and show I am the right guy/gal for them? Look at the changes? Let's give it a chance!
I am a fighter and didn't want to give up on fixing things but you need 2 people to do this.
So you can only try to help yourself and not try to control him.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
The weekends are always tough. Especially in the quiet mornings when the kids and I are just waking up and lounging around. I waffle back and forth between wondering what my H is doing and trying to keep myself busy with something/anything so I don't think about it. I sometimes think the scenarios I create in my mind are much worse that what he is actually doing. I haven't changed anything in our home, so it is so full of good pictures and memories. I just can't bring myself to take those pictures down. To me it feels like I'm giving up. I will sometimes be walking around our home (not even thinking of H) and I will get such a strong sense of him or this calm feeling like he will someday be back. I don't know if that hope helps me or is holding me back from truly moving forward?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
The weekends are always tough. Especially in the quiet mornings when the kids and I are just waking up and lounging around. I waffle back and forth between wondering what my H is doing and trying to keep myself busy with something/anything so I don't think about it. I sometimes think the scenarios I create in my mind are much worse that what he is actually doing. I haven't changed anything in our home, so it is so full of good pictures and memories. I just can't bring myself to take those pictures down. To me it feels like I'm giving up. I will sometimes be walking around our home (not even thinking of H) and I will get such a strong sense of him or this calm feeling like he will someday be back. I don't know if that hope helps me or is holding me back from truly moving forward?
I felt the same way, like because most of his stuff and pictures on the wall were here, he would be calling to check in or walking through the door any minute. It became emotional whiplash...excited to see him then devastation when reality hit. I don't have kids at home anymore, so I gathered it all up and put it out of sight. It helped somewhat. I still have hope. just not whiplash.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Emotional whiplash is a good way to put it. I still have kids at home, and I have nothing to put up in place of all the photos, so I fear if I take them down...1. the kids will notice and start asking questions and 2. I will look at the empty place where those photos were and still feel badly. One thing I am slowly learning is that there is no magic way to feel better. I just have to stop feeling sorry for myself. I've spent the last year "checking up" on him by driving by his place and looking for his car. If it's there I feel good at least he's not out, if not I wonder where he is. If the car is there and there happen to be other cars nearby I wonder if he has someone over. It really is a no win situation and I realize it does me no good, but for some reason I still feel like I "have" to know. I read some thoughts posted in another thread that said, you are just hurting yourself by doing this. I sometimes wonder if I am trying to punish myself by doing this?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I have found that coming to the board and either reading others stories or just journal-ling is helping me. Each time I feel the urge to think about what H is doing, or try to figure out where he may be I starting reading and posting. I realize I may have an obsessive personality (one of H's complaints) and I'm just "trading in" one obsession for another, but it does feel like this board may be a "healthier" obsession? Reading and realizing that there are others in similar situations helps me feel a little less alone and a little less like a failure.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I have found that coming to the board and either reading others stories or just journal-ling is helping me. Each time I feel the urge to think about what H is doing, or try to figure out where he may be I starting reading and posting. I realize I may have an obsessive personality (one of H's complaints) and I'm just "trading in" one obsession for another, but it does feel like this board may be a "healthier" obsession? Reading and realizing that there are others in similar situations helps me feel a little less alone and a little less like a failure.
This!^^ This is what helped me get through the toughest times; the loneliest times during the holidays. The people on these boards are so good for giving advice, love, support...solace. And hope.
On another note, maybe if you make it a project with your kids to create some of their own artwork to put on the walls? Just to fill in the spaces? That would be something that you could then look at each day to make you smile!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thanks ciluzen. What a great idea. Both of my kids love to paint/do art projects and I think it would be a lot better for my mental health to look at things they created then old pictures. I think I'll head out tomorrow to get some canvas' and paints. Maybe it will be therapeutic for me too?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Sandi posted this on another thread that I just read and I am struggling with this question myself...
Tell me, b/c I would really like to know, why a man wants to remain with a woman who tells him she no longer loves and can't see herself ever being intimate with him again? Do you not believe her? Do you think you know her real feelings better than she knows herself? Do you think you can persuade her to stay in the M and that she'll change her mind?
In my situation my H has asked me a number of times why I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I never feel like I have a good answer. I believe in marriage. I believe in for better or for worse. I guess in some regards I don't believe him or his feelings? I am still struggling with the believe none of what he says advice. When we do talk (which is rare) he will say things like "I know you don't love me" "why do you want to be with me" , It's better for the kids if we are apart because we can't get along. He'll also mention things I've said or done in the past as reasons for why he thinks he no longer feels in love with me. I guess my question is what do I believe and how do I figure out the things I need to work on for me?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I have now successfully gone for over a week without initiating any contact with my H. It wasn't easy, but I am a little proud of myself that I was able to do it. Ironically, I got a lot more texts/phone calls this week from him than I have in the recent past. I realize it means nothing, and I do try to continue to tell myself that so as not to get my hopes up. In my last post I mentioned I'm still having trouble with the believe none of what they say. I know when he is upset and talking at me, to not believe everything he says, but I really am trying to find things that I need to work on for me for the future either with or without him. Things that made him walk away. I met my H at a fairly young age, and he really is the only man I've loved. I want to know things I've done that led to the distance that was created between us. All I ever seem to get from him is...I don't know what happened, I just don't feel like I want to be around you or talk to you. I've also heard him say I just don't feel what a husband is supposed to feel for a wife. To me, that's not much to go on. So any male perspective would be really helpful.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Not initiating contact is so tough. In my situation, my W and her family and our friends are 80% of the people in my life and almost all of my "family". Not reaching out to her or her family has been hard, like I am sure it is for you. You are doing well, always remember that. Given this situation you are doing well.
I have been asked by friends the same question regarding wanting someone who doesn't want you. My response was something to the affect of.. I believe in Marriage, and I meant it when I said weather all storms til death do us part. My love is unconditional. Right now that love from her is buried somewhere, and I am hoping it can be brought back to life. I have to make my best effort for me.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Want to snap him out of this? File for D and have him served. It doesn't mean you have to go through with it. That's if you're tired of this limbo and want to fish or cut bait.
My H already filed for divorce and had me served. Where I live there is a waiting period which we are in now. Ironically, the complaint was filled with errors (he obviously didn't double check anything before he signed) and now he wants my help in working together with the lawyer "for the kids". I am against divorce with every fiber of my being. I cannot stop this, but I don't have to agree with it or help him along. I will do what I need to do once I have to, but no helping. Still not sure that this is the "best" way, but I just can't bring myself to agree with this and help him along. I've always been the one in the relationship to take the lead on pretty much everything. This is one thing I wont. Perhaps that is my 180?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
It sounds like you have strength. That is good. You'll need it. I agree, don't be a doormat and help him get his selfish way. Nobody respects a doormat and you don't have a prayer if he doesn't respect you. Respect yourself first and foremost and except nothing less than respect from him. You're separated, true enough, but you're still married. You're still his wife and that gives you some say in the relationship.
I have been a doormat for too long and I have done all the wrong things believe me if you want advice on what does not work then I am your man
Listen to the pros here I wish I had do pen this months ago
For me I am late to the game but now it is all about me ...I will always love my w and I have not given up hope on the m but I will control what I can control
Just don't ask me to to sell the house but I will decide when I am ready nothing is going to happen quickly
Take care hugs
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I have been a doormat for too long and I have done all the wrong things believe me if you want advice on what does not work then I am your man
Listen to the pros here I wish I had do pen this months ago
For me I am late to the game but now it is all about me ...I will always love my w and I have not given up hope on the m but I will control what I can control
Just don't ask me to to sell the house but I will decide when I am ready nothing is going to happen quickly
Take care hugs
Ghost
It sounds like you're finding your spine. That is awesome. You need that. Our wives love to run the house. I know mine did. Was she ever shocked when she tried that after her A and I told her (sorry but I stole it from American Beauty) "No no. You don't get to tell me what to do....ever again."
The comfort of our marriage had lulled me into a state where I was not king of my own castle. Now I am. Now she knows it and she wants to be my queen. For 18+ months I groveled and begged. She had zero respect for me. When I really truly detached and said I was going to file for divorce, and I started truly moving on, was when it flipped the roles and all the sudden all her "I don't know what I want" became "I've made HUGE mistakes, please forgive me, we're meant to be together...blah blah blah."
Women don't respect weak men. They just don't. Be the king of your castle no matter what that castle is. Invite her to be the queen but in a relationship there are rules for both parties. If she wants to be part of your life then great. If not, there are plenty of other queens that would.
Find your strength, you're all good people, and have worth.
I think we have finally dug out from all the snow we were under...and now I can get back to DBing. Although maybe I could count the shoveling as my GAL activity
I had a ton of shoveling to do and felt bad for myself for a few minutes...but then had to remind myself that I got to be with the kids all weekend and I should be grateful b/c H didn't. I still spent way too much time wondering where he was and what he was doing, but at least now I don't try to figure it out. I think I finally turned a corner a few weeks back and truly get that I can't control what he does. I'm still doing pretty well on the no contact for unnecessary reasons front. I think I only texted once in the last week and that was to change something with the kid exchange.
My H and I did get into one long text exchange that was initiated by him. We were trying to coordinate one of the kids sports schedule and the back and forth turned into a nightmare. It started out innocently enough just trying to figure out who was going to drop off. The exchange ended with H asking me over and over why I wasn't going to every event when in the past I always did. I have looked back over the exchange several times and I really have no idea where he got the idea that I wasn't going. I am convinced that he doesn't read half of what I write to him. Sometimes it is soo frustrating!
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I have been reading through others stories in the last week or so, but haven't felt I have anything to post. I feel like I'm in a rut and am trying to figure out how to get out of it. I've been doing really well with not initiating any contact unless really necessary and ironically enough I got a text from him that was not about the kids/money or schedule. It was a weird question/attempt at a joke, but I haven't had one of those in a very long time. I guess I have to look at that as progress? I have let my GAL activities slip a bit and then that's when I start focusing on the fact that he's not here. The more I get out and do things with others the better I feel. I've also decided that I need to be the one to make some plans with friends. I've always waited until someone asked me to do something. My new goal for the month is to set up a mom's night out with some friends. I think in the past I've always been afraid to be the one to set something up b/c I thought everyone would say no and I would feel bad about myself. I think now I just need to try and stop being so afraid of rejection.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I caught up on your thread. You've been asking yourself a lot of good questions. Particularly about whether DB is a form of more control, or just another obsession.
I think for many of us we first start trying to DB as a form of control. Trying to force something we can't control makes us crazy, but we try. For some, when they discover that doesn't work they change their tune. They suddenly end things, find someone else, or resort to other desperate attempts at control. For others, we realize what it really means to surrender and accept what we have. If you read my first post on my thread you'll see this is hard and takes a while, but is doable. As I say, you may not be able to force the marriage you've always wanted, but you WILL be able to find the peace and fulfillment you always craved and was hoping that marriage would give you. Nothing beats the real thing.
I'd like to see you continue to post on both your thread and others. It's a 'good' obsession, for me it's practically my GAL activity. GAL to me is anything that you do that's healthy that helps you meet your emotional needs. This also leads to detachment, because once your emotional needs are all being met, H no longer looks like the yin to your yang, but rather a regular guy.
Hang in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks for your thoughts Zues. I've read a lot of what you wrote on your own post and on others and I always value your input. Your last sentence really struck a chord with me. In fact just today my IC mentioned I need to learn to start "dating" myself. She gave me a bunch of great ideas that I really need to start implementing. I have never enjoyed being alone, and I'm just now starting to dig in and try to figure out why. I think another goal of mine this month will be to go out and do something (see a movie...get a drink) all by myself and really see how it feels. I do believe I need to start liking the person I am before I can expect my H or anyone else to.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I think that you're really on to something with then whole "dating yourself" idea. I think that if we don't love and care for ourselves, we cannot love and care for others, be it a spouse, a child, a parent, whomever.
This past week I took myself out to a movie, and really enjoyed it. It's not like you can really even interact with the person in the next seat during a film anyway, so going alone is really not a big change. Go for it!
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
So Valentine's day weekend is coming up. My H and I never really celebrated the holiday (on the actual day at least) because before BD he would always send me flowers just because. We both thought it was silly to pay twice as much for flowers or dinner just b/c it was V-Day.
However, now that I am "alone" I feel like I'm missing something. I decided to send myself flowers and get the kids a little something to celebrate. I really am doing what I can to take the sting out of the "holiday". Any ideas from others on what they'll be doing to keep their mind off of their WAH/WAW?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I realized it's been quite some time since I last posted. Not much new is going on with me, but I really feel like I am getting a handle on the process of detaching. It is so very hard, but I feel better about me. Even though I see my H almost every day (between kid exchange and their activities), I am finally feeling like I can take or leave his being there. When he first left, I would be so excited if the kids had some activity so I would get to see him. I still very much want to work things out with him, but I can see that neither of us was very happy for at least a year leading up to his leaving. Until we can both get to a place of feeling better about ourselves we'll never be able to be better together. I am still struggling with wanting to just "fix" him so he will come home, but realistically I know that can't happen. So, I will continue to fix me and have hope for the future.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
It has been quite a while since I last posted anything on these boards...I still read others situations and try to take advice, but haven't posted about myself or to anyone else. I really believe to get help you need to give it, so I am going to try to get back to reading and responding.
Not much has really changed in my situation. Husband is still gone, still not officially divorced. He initiated the process, but since I don't want it I have done the minimum to respond only when required.
I still struggle with letting go and not wondering what he is doing. While we have 50/50 custody of the kids H is not happy because I am not flexible with him when it's convenient. I struggle because I know the kids need their Dad, but he is the one who didn't want a family or marriage anymore so I feel like I don't need to go out of my way to make life easier for him.
I've learned that he has a "friend" who comes around a lot and does things with him and our kids. I am fairly certain this is the same "friend" who helped him make the decision to leave a few years ago (I believe she got divorced around that same time). I know I can't control what he does and who he spends time with, but I absolutely hate that my kids are around this person who I feel helped split our family. I've stated to him that I'm not comfortable with the kids seeing this "relationship" but I know there is nothing I can do about it. The kids continue to ask me questions and tell me they wish they could just do things with their Dad, but all I can respond with is "You need to talk to your Dad about that"
I continue to go out with friends and do things for myself when the kids are with their Dad, but any other suggestions on ways to help me move past this? It's been so long I thought things would be better by now....and while they definitely are I still have soo far to go
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I still struggle with letting go and not wondering what he is doing. While we have 50/50 custody of the kids H is not happy because I am not flexible with him when it's convenient. I struggle because I know the kids need their Dad, but he is the one who didn't want a family or marriage anymore so I feel like I don't need to go out of my way to make life easier for him.
Hello mm2bs,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You are so smart to recognize that you are not the one that needs to make things more convenient for H.
Originally Posted By: mm2bs
I continue to go out with friends and do things for myself when the kids are with their Dad, but any other suggestions on ways to help me move past this? It's been so long I thought things would be better by now....and while they definitely are I still have soo far to go
Focus your time, effort, and energy into being the best mm2bs and Mom that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
(it also makes me wonder if perhaps we should have a companion site here where some of us LBS can match up with each other...)
As to advice. Your last paragraph is where I am at mentally. I know it's a marathon. I know it's complicated but I still hope for the quick fix. Realistically there might never be a fix. I also thought things would be better. Despite knowing better I still see each step forward as progress and with each step back I get hurt again.
I do think in YOUR sitch insisting the kids don't see the other R is fair. And you SHOULD have some control over that.
I still struggle with letting go and not wondering what he is doing. While we have 50/50 custody of the kids H is not happy because I am not flexible with him when it's convenient. I struggle because I know the kids need their Dad, but he is the one who didn't want a family or marriage anymore so I feel like I don't need to go out of my way to make life easier for him.
I'm just curious, do you do this to punish H or is he asking things that are just very inconvenient for you? I was really flexible on visitation with XW after S and D because I found that sometimes I needed her to be flexible too. Sometimes I have a surprise business trip on my week to have the kids (now kid, two are grown and moved out) for example. And that has worked well for us.
Originally Posted By: mm2bs
I continue to go out with friends and do things for myself when the kids are with their Dad, but any other suggestions on ways to help me move past this? It's been so long I thought things would be better by now....and while they definitely are I still have soo far to go
Well, the recovery process is not linear or predictable. You're 3 years post BD and that is quite a while, but your personal recovery may take longer than that for others. It sounds like you've got some GAL activities, maybe try to add more in where you make new friends? I didn't have trouble meeting new people, but for those that do I've heard that meetup.com is great for that. It's not a dating site, it's a site where you plug in your interests (hiking, kayaking, sight-seeing, etc. etc.) and you'll get suggestions on upcoming group events.
Thanks Tobias and Another. Good question about time. To be honest I think it's a little of both. Many times it is last minute requests and the kids and I have plans to do something I don't necessarily want to change. I guess I could, but it's not what I want.
I feel like it took a lot to come up with the arrangement we have and from my perspective it really maximizes the time we each get to spend with the kids. Our schedule isn't the typical every other week/every other weekend because of our work schedules. Each of us gets to see the kids every day. That can be difficult because we do have a lot of exchanges and interactions, but when he decided to leave we agreed it was probably best for the kids to keep their routine about the same.
It seems to me that he only wants me to switch times with him when friends are doing things with their kids and he wants to come along. Most of them are married so flexibility is much easier. I've asked that he plan these activities during the time he has the kids, but his response is I doubt anyone will go...I'm not sure how to respond.
So long short answer is yes, sometimes it is inconvenient, other times I want to "punish" him so he can see what divorce really is. That I'm not always just going to go along with what he wants.
I've definitely been getting out more and went on my first solo vacation with the kids. We met up with some of their friends and parents and had a really good time. On the outside I doubt you could tell how much I really still feel conflicted and sad on the inside. I just want my inside to match the outside
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
So...what would have been our 15 yr anniversary has come and gone. No recognition of the day by either of us which was to be expected. I ended up taking the kids out to dinner that night to celebrate anyway. If it wasn't for the marriage, I wouldn't have them...so I figured that was reason enough to celebrate.
In an effort to keep being honest it was still a really tough day for me. I kept busy and plowed through, but when I got home I was cleaning up some things and found an old card from my H. It was a happy 20th anniversary card I'd gotten years earlier and inside it said I know we've only been married for 7 but I know someday we'll be celebrating 20. My life with you is great. All of a sudden that punch in the gut feeling came over me. On a good note, I got over that dreadful feeling a lot quicker than I would have 2 yrs ago, so I guess I am making progress. I'm not a patient person by nature (one of the things I'm working on) so I expect a lot more of myself sometimes.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I last posted. I read here almost every day, but just struggle with putting my story out there.
My H and I had a big blow up a few days ago and it really sent me spinning. I've definitely settled down since then, but I'm still bothered by the fact that I let him get to me. He's known me so long he definitely knows what buttons to push to set me off. I am disappointed in myself that I couldn't stop spewing once I started.
We are moving to a new custody schedule which will give him more nights each month with our kids and I am really struggling with that...as are the kids. They have said they like seeing him, but want to sleep at home (my house...the marital home).
I read other stories on here and see clearly how the WW/WH, is so "off" and their words are just that words, but when it comes to my situation it's so hard to see they really are just words or what he is feeling in the moment. I have some really close friends who have been through divorce and they have given me great advice. It's just so hard to hear the words...I don't want to be with you...I don't love you, I love her...because she's nice to me and you aren't.
I really do struggle with "being nice" to him. I still have a lot of anger that I'm working through at him leaving, so I try to keep my interactions with him to a minimum. I am frustrated that he left our marriage and family and spends time with his AP. My kids have told me they wish they could just hang out with their Dad, but she always texts him and asks to come along too. My H is a typical "Nice Guy" and he struggles to say no to people.
I am working so hard at detaching so that I can at least be civil in our interactions. I have told him I"m not interested in being his friend, so even though I'm typically a pretty friendly person by nature, my interactions with him are not what I would consider friendly. Should they be??
As much as he's hurt me and my whole family, I am still interested in saving my marriage. I know I need to focus on me and my kids and leave him to do what he will do, but gosh is that hard. One day at a time I guess.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
