Emotional whiplash is a good way to put it. I still have kids at home, and I have nothing to put up in place of all the photos, so I fear if I take them down...1. the kids will notice and start asking questions and 2. I will look at the empty place where those photos were and still feel badly. One thing I am slowly learning is that there is no magic way to feel better. I just have to stop feeling sorry for myself. I've spent the last year "checking up" on him by driving by his place and looking for his car. If it's there I feel good at least he's not out, if not I wonder where he is. If the car is there and there happen to be other cars nearby I wonder if he has someone over. It really is a no win situation and I realize it does me no good, but for some reason I still feel like I "have" to know. I read some thoughts posted in another thread that said, you are just hurting yourself by doing this. I sometimes wonder if I am trying to punish myself by doing this?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I have found that coming to the board and either reading others stories or just journal-ling is helping me. Each time I feel the urge to think about what H is doing, or try to figure out where he may be I starting reading and posting. I realize I may have an obsessive personality (one of H's complaints) and I'm just "trading in" one obsession for another, but it does feel like this board may be a "healthier" obsession? Reading and realizing that there are others in similar situations helps me feel a little less alone and a little less like a failure.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I have found that coming to the board and either reading others stories or just journal-ling is helping me. Each time I feel the urge to think about what H is doing, or try to figure out where he may be I starting reading and posting. I realize I may have an obsessive personality (one of H's complaints) and I'm just "trading in" one obsession for another, but it does feel like this board may be a "healthier" obsession? Reading and realizing that there are others in similar situations helps me feel a little less alone and a little less like a failure.
This!^^ This is what helped me get through the toughest times; the loneliest times during the holidays. The people on these boards are so good for giving advice, love, support...solace. And hope.
On another note, maybe if you make it a project with your kids to create some of their own artwork to put on the walls? Just to fill in the spaces? That would be something that you could then look at each day to make you smile!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thanks ciluzen. What a great idea. Both of my kids love to paint/do art projects and I think it would be a lot better for my mental health to look at things they created then old pictures. I think I'll head out tomorrow to get some canvas' and paints. Maybe it will be therapeutic for me too?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Sandi posted this on another thread that I just read and I am struggling with this question myself...
Tell me, b/c I would really like to know, why a man wants to remain with a woman who tells him she no longer loves and can't see herself ever being intimate with him again? Do you not believe her? Do you think you know her real feelings better than she knows herself? Do you think you can persuade her to stay in the M and that she'll change her mind?
In my situation my H has asked me a number of times why I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I never feel like I have a good answer. I believe in marriage. I believe in for better or for worse. I guess in some regards I don't believe him or his feelings? I am still struggling with the believe none of what he says advice. When we do talk (which is rare) he will say things like "I know you don't love me" "why do you want to be with me" , It's better for the kids if we are apart because we can't get along. He'll also mention things I've said or done in the past as reasons for why he thinks he no longer feels in love with me. I guess my question is what do I believe and how do I figure out the things I need to work on for me?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
I have now successfully gone for over a week without initiating any contact with my H. It wasn't easy, but I am a little proud of myself that I was able to do it. Ironically, I got a lot more texts/phone calls this week from him than I have in the recent past. I realize it means nothing, and I do try to continue to tell myself that so as not to get my hopes up. In my last post I mentioned I'm still having trouble with the believe none of what they say. I know when he is upset and talking at me, to not believe everything he says, but I really am trying to find things that I need to work on for me for the future either with or without him. Things that made him walk away. I met my H at a fairly young age, and he really is the only man I've loved. I want to know things I've done that led to the distance that was created between us. All I ever seem to get from him is...I don't know what happened, I just don't feel like I want to be around you or talk to you. I've also heard him say I just don't feel what a husband is supposed to feel for a wife. To me, that's not much to go on. So any male perspective would be really helpful.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Not initiating contact is so tough. In my situation, my W and her family and our friends are 80% of the people in my life and almost all of my "family". Not reaching out to her or her family has been hard, like I am sure it is for you. You are doing well, always remember that. Given this situation you are doing well.
I have been asked by friends the same question regarding wanting someone who doesn't want you. My response was something to the affect of.. I believe in Marriage, and I meant it when I said weather all storms til death do us part. My love is unconditional. Right now that love from her is buried somewhere, and I am hoping it can be brought back to life. I have to make my best effort for me.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Want to snap him out of this? File for D and have him served. It doesn't mean you have to go through with it. That's if you're tired of this limbo and want to fish or cut bait.
My H already filed for divorce and had me served. Where I live there is a waiting period which we are in now. Ironically, the complaint was filled with errors (he obviously didn't double check anything before he signed) and now he wants my help in working together with the lawyer "for the kids". I am against divorce with every fiber of my being. I cannot stop this, but I don't have to agree with it or help him along. I will do what I need to do once I have to, but no helping. Still not sure that this is the "best" way, but I just can't bring myself to agree with this and help him along. I've always been the one in the relationship to take the lead on pretty much everything. This is one thing I wont. Perhaps that is my 180?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
It sounds like you have strength. That is good. You'll need it. I agree, don't be a doormat and help him get his selfish way. Nobody respects a doormat and you don't have a prayer if he doesn't respect you. Respect yourself first and foremost and except nothing less than respect from him. You're separated, true enough, but you're still married. You're still his wife and that gives you some say in the relationship.
