What do I want...tough question. I want my old H back, I want a better marriage. The last several years have been hard and I only really noticed it after he left. He would ask if I was happy and I would say yes, but I don't think I really was. Over the last several years I've pretty much been all consumed with the kids. I forgot about who I was as a person and just became the kids mom. I work full time, so I felt like when I was home I should be with them. I lost touch with so many friends and stopped doing a lot of things I used to enjoy. Recently I started walking with a group of ladies in my neighborhood. I have also started reaching out to some friends I lost touch with over the years. My H has always had a lot of friends (many of them single) so he can go out all the time. Most of my friends are married with kids, so our schedules just don't line up. I know I need to get out and make some new friends, but I'm still struggling so much with self confidence, that it is difficult. My IC keeps telling me I just need to do it. My resolution for 2016 is to do just that.
Hey, mm! Welcome to the wonderful, life saving, supportive DB boards. Sorry you have to find yourself here, but it is a safe place that will help you enormously through this tough time.
Your post looks just like my posts on my thread. It looks like you have a great start on GAL already and are searching for a way to find yourself again. That's at least 1/2 the battle!
Self confidence will come as you do more on your own...as you overcome each tiny (or great) challenge, like meeting new people.
Don't worry about the possible OW (easier said than done, I know), she is not your concern right now. Focus on you. You will hear this a lot, but it is true.
Keep reading, posting and learning. It will help.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I feel like I have learned so much just reading through others situations. I am finally (after 1 yr) learning that I was likely still pursuing my H. I kept telling myself I wasn't...that I would only contact him about things for the kids. While that was technically true, it was contact to see if he would reply back. I am looking back now and see that none of those "questions" needed to be asked the moment I asked them. I can imagine to him it may have looked like I was checking up on him, and that's probably exactly what I was doing. I am now trying a new "experiment". I ask myself several times if I really need to contact him regarding the kids. If the answer in the moment is yes, I make myself wait at least 1 hr. If answer is still yes, I contact. If it's no, I don't contact or wait until I see him at kid drop off to ask/tell. I've only been doing this for 2 days, but my goal is a week. If I can do it for a week, I'll aim for longer and hopefully it will start to sink in. I am a doer/fixer who likes being in charge. In my head I know I can't be in charge of him or "fix" him, but it is so very difficult to remind my emotions of that.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
So now I'm up to 3 days and it actually feels pretty good. Ironically I have gotten about 6 texts from H (mostly stuff about the kids), but I generally never hear from him that much in one day. I'm trying to remind myself it means nothing, but I still get a little flustered when I hear the text come through. I am really to try to look at the situation objectively, but it is tough. When I read other's situations it seems so much more clear that the path they are taking to work on themselves is the best one, but when it comes to looking at myself I just can't see it. I was looking at old (pre H) pictures last night and it reminded me that I did have a life before him. Hopefully that will help me to train my brain to realize I could have a life without him to. Anyone have any specific things they do to help stop the constant thoughts of H/W from popping into their heads?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Another day...hopefully this will start to get easier soon? I'm over a year into this..what am I doing wrong. I was reading through another thread and found some advice posted that said beware of "friends" who have had EM affairs as they will try to convince your H/W it's OK...or pull them in. I fear that is what is happening in my situation. My H's friend has been divorced for a few years (due to him having an affair) and now he is pulling my H into that lifestyle. My H has always been a follower and this friend is definitely a leader. I know nothing I say to him will mean anything, but how can he not see that is what is happening?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Hi I am new here also and i feel for you. My story is a bit different but its still one of losing my loved one, fear and anger
What [censored] is you can't control what he does, thinks and his actions. I am only a few days into this (DB) and it is hard. I want to text her when she isn't around and hope for that magic text or call or discussion that she is confused and wants to work on things.
But I would only try to recommend as a newbie that you read the stories and posts here as I have been doing myself now for the past few weeks and try to stay strong. Do other things, love your family and maybe one day he wakes up and understands the vow he made and that the grass isn't greener
Its' easy to run and flee ....what is harder and more work is fully working on a marriage
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Another tough day. I have been doing pretty well not initiating any communication and only responding when a question is asked. My H and I got into a text discussion this morning and he asked if he could call. We really struggle when talking in person and on the phone, so I should have known better, but I talked anyway. It wasn't good. He knows exactly what to say to get me worked up and even though I see it happening I have trouble stopping myself. His main complaint (and the reason he claims for having filed for divorce) is that the way we communicate (yelling at each other according to him) is bad for the kids and he doesn't want to put them through that. I know that my actions will speak way louder than any words I say, but gosh does he know how to trigger me. I've read through the validation thread a few times (and gotten some stock phrases from my IC) but I feel like even when I use them the situation escalates. I know I can only control me. I know I should just end the conversation and walk away, but when I try to do that he just says that's what I always did and that's why we can't be together. He's right...that's what I always did, so am I just doing more of the same? What am I missing here?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Reading others situations and really looking into my own has definitely opened my eyes. I am beginning to realize the things I need to work on, however I've now found a new fear. I am a fixer....I know this. Now that I realize what I need to work on I keep thinking that if I just fix myself I will "fix" the R. I can see that seems controlling, no wonder my H says that I am controlling him. I keep telling myself I'm not, but maybe I am? How can I convince myself that fixing me is for me, not for the R. That fixing me could very well not fix the R. I understand this logically, but cannot seem to accept it emotionally.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
This is all real hard. I am a newbie but probably here too late.
You will struggle daily with this. I can only say that the advice I got on this board and started reading the book does make sense. I also saw a therapist who said the same thing.
It tugs at logic. How can i not try to fix things and show I am the right guy/gal for them? Look at the changes? Let's give it a chance!
I am a fighter and didn't want to give up on fixing things but you need 2 people to do this.
So you can only try to help yourself and not try to control him.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
The weekends are always tough. Especially in the quiet mornings when the kids and I are just waking up and lounging around. I waffle back and forth between wondering what my H is doing and trying to keep myself busy with something/anything so I don't think about it. I sometimes think the scenarios I create in my mind are much worse that what he is actually doing. I haven't changed anything in our home, so it is so full of good pictures and memories. I just can't bring myself to take those pictures down. To me it feels like I'm giving up. I will sometimes be walking around our home (not even thinking of H) and I will get such a strong sense of him or this calm feeling like he will someday be back. I don't know if that hope helps me or is holding me back from truly moving forward?
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
The weekends are always tough. Especially in the quiet mornings when the kids and I are just waking up and lounging around. I waffle back and forth between wondering what my H is doing and trying to keep myself busy with something/anything so I don't think about it. I sometimes think the scenarios I create in my mind are much worse that what he is actually doing. I haven't changed anything in our home, so it is so full of good pictures and memories. I just can't bring myself to take those pictures down. To me it feels like I'm giving up. I will sometimes be walking around our home (not even thinking of H) and I will get such a strong sense of him or this calm feeling like he will someday be back. I don't know if that hope helps me or is holding me back from truly moving forward?
I felt the same way, like because most of his stuff and pictures on the wall were here, he would be calling to check in or walking through the door any minute. It became emotional whiplash...excited to see him then devastation when reality hit. I don't have kids at home anymore, so I gathered it all up and put it out of sight. It helped somewhat. I still have hope. just not whiplash.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
