Hi All. I have been lurking these last few months and just got up the courage to post. I've never before posted on any kind of forum. My story is similar to many others. I got the ILYBINILWY speech in July 2014. My H said he was unhappy, I was controlling and he thought our relationship was bad for our young boys. A few months later he moved out. I did all the wrong things in the beginning..begging/pleading/saying things would change, but it did no good. I snooped in his accounts and then would confront him with accusations that I didn't necessarily know were true. I made up stories in my head about what he was doing and convinced myself they were real. I am now getting to a place where I know I need to detach, but can't seem to find the right path. Everyone is so helpful and I really need advice.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi MM, Please read everything Cadet has sent to you. And please post more about your history and current status. I'm having a brutal day, so I won't be of much help right now. There are plenty of veterans here that will chime in with good info for you. Be well.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks. A little more background. We have been together most of our adult life, both in our 40s. Married 15 yrs with two young boys. About 2 yrs ago I was told (anonymously) that my H was having an affair with someone he worked with. I confronted him and he assured me nothing was going on. The "reasons" this person believed he was having an affair didn't seem to add up to me, and I have always been in charge of all finances, so I never saw anything. My H was upset I didn't believe him and gave me full access to email/phone etc. For yrs I found nothing, but he started to distance himself b/c he said he felt I would never trust him. In the summer of 2014 I got the speech and said all the wrong things. I was upset and asked so are you just going to move out? He said yes. We have been separated now for over a yr and he told me he will never come back. He said he doesn't have to tell me what he is doing/where he is going. He is adamant that he doesn't see his kids enough, but we agreed on a arrangement when he left and I am not interested in giving up any more time with them. I can't seem to stop thinking about where he is and what he is doing, although I don't ask. I try to keep busy with friends when he has the kids and with the kids when they are with me, but I'm still struggling to detach.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
We have been separated now for over a yr and he told me he will never come back.
Everything he is saying is script.
And as far as never changing, hmm - I bet he also gave his marriage vows in free will too and now has changed that decision also. Don't believe anything he says!
What do I want...tough question. I want my old H back, I want a better marriage. The last several years have been hard and I only really noticed it after he left. He would ask if I was happy and I would say yes, but I don't think I really was. Over the last several years I've pretty much been all consumed with the kids. I forgot about who I was as a person and just became the kids mom. I work full time, so I felt like when I was home I should be with them. I lost touch with so many friends and stopped doing a lot of things I used to enjoy. Recently I started walking with a group of ladies in my neighborhood. I have also started reaching out to some friends I lost touch with over the years. My H has always had a lot of friends (many of them single) so he can go out all the time. Most of my friends are married with kids, so our schedules just don't line up. I know I need to get out and make some new friends, but I'm still struggling so much with self confidence, that it is difficult. My IC keeps telling me I just need to do it. My resolution for 2016 is to do just that.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
Today was a tough day. I feel like I make progress, then take two steps back. The holidays I know are tough for many and they seemed especially hard for me this year. During this holiday my H told me he was "dating" someone. He said he wasn't sure what to call it but he would go out with a bunch of "friends" and there was one girl in particular he would talk with. It hit me very hard. I always feared this time could come, but was secretly hoping he would come to his senses and come home before it ever happened. I feel like I've always been pretty independent and self confident, but I just feel so low right now. I feel like I don't know this man at all. This "girl" as he calls her is likely from a group of friends that his divorced buddy hangs out with. I'm guessing she is 10+ yrs his junior. I know I shouldn't, but I'm still stuck wondering what she has that I don't.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
