Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2638962 01/06/16 01:14 AM
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 412
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 412
I haven't posted in many years so I haven't read anybody's posts in a long time. However, I have no doubt that the posts are very similar to those that I made and that I read when I frequented this site many years ago. I first found this site in 2010 when my H was going through his MLC. He had an OW and we separated. You can probably find my posts if you look. I learned so much from this site and made some great friends that I still have today.

The biggest word of advice I can make to any of you going through the pain of MLC is that you WILL survive this. I know it may feel like the worst type of pain and seem insurmountable. But you will survive. And if you follow the advice given on this site, you will thrive. I met three people in particular from this site that were going through similar issues. We supported each other through our trials and tribulations. Some still had hope for their marriages and some knew their marriage was over but still had problems. Over the years, I have watched these folks move on from the pain that MLC caused. Over the years, all of their marriages ended. Despite the odds stacked against me, my marriage survived. My H slowly woke up from the MLC fog and we had many years of reparations and renewals. Over the years, my three friends found new loves and I see them regularly post about how well they are all doing with their new found loves. Their relationships are much healthier and the people are all much happier as a result. This doesn't mean they didn't feel the pain of the divorce any less. It's just that moving on was still the right thing to do.

Many on this site would look at me as the rare "success" and the other people as examples of good "failures". But we are all successes because we took what we learned from this site and used it to make our future relationships more healthy. My friends happiness is evident. I'd be lying if I didn't question whether my own marriage was WORTH saving sometimes. Seeing them be able to start fresh has a lot of benefits. Dealing with a recovering MLCer for years was not easy and took an enormous amount of patience. But here we are, nearly 6 years later. I am so happy to see their healthy relationships and hope that anyone reading will realize that saving a marriage can NOT be your goal. Saving yourself is the goal. Be better. Learn more. Be true to you. And you WILL survive this. You in 5 years may not be the picture that you hope for now. But if you follow the advice, that picture will be great.


"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"

M18
Me39,H42
D16
Bomb 1/10
Moved out 3/10
OW 6/10
H wants to R,OW gone 11/10
H moves back 5/11
H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
What she said ^^^^^^....

"Saving yourself is the goal"

I only have one thing to add....

Believe it or not....

You and you alone decide when it is over. As much as some of you may not realize this now.....you are really in control.

Peace Alb!


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I am very happy that you returned and provided an update. It's been a long time since you last posted, but I'm very happy that you and your h survived his MLC and your "new and improved" marriage is going strong.

I couldn't agree more w/the tidbits that Eric pulled from your posting.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78

Last edited by Cadet; 01/06/16 08:58 PM.

Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
Saving yourself is the goal

Amen to that


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,716
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,716
Thanks so much for sharing this Albuquerque! I'm only 5 months in, and have just started thinking rationally again. I've realized H's MLC could go on for years. I'm not making any decisions about the future now, other than one.

I am going to take this time and selfishly devote it to me. I've got so many hurts from life built up inside me, that I've got plenty to focus on. I figure this will keep me busy for the next couple of years, and then I'll see where I am.

Cadet, thanks for posting the links! You've gotta know that's the first thing I wanted to do...a success story? Did it start like mine? LOL

Thanks again. I needed the positive reinforcement today. smile


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 412
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 412
Ancaire,

It sounds like you are on the right track. One of the things I didn't mention, but seems worth mentioning, is that the lessons you learn through dealing with this can often result in being able to deal with things in the future. As an example, my D is now 19 and suffering pretty badly with depression/anxiety issues. This is not an easy thing to see your child go through and can be immensely frustrating when it seems as though they are "lazy" and want to do nothing (but in fact its the depression). My H has realized the type of patience it takes to deal with her and he has remarked several times that he doesn't know how I managed to be so patient with him, but that it meant so much to him and he's trying to do the same for her. And in a strange way, knowing that he went through dark times and came out the other end gives me hope for my D. It's not been easy for her but I have more hope than I might otherwise have without this unfortunate, but ultimately immensely educational experience.


"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"

M18
Me39,H42
D16
Bomb 1/10
Moved out 3/10
OW 6/10
H wants to R,OW gone 11/10
H moves back 5/11
H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 98
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 98
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
Dealing with a recovering MLCer for years was not easy and took an enormous amount of patience.


I've been reading a lot of posts and threads here and while I am relatively early on in the whole process I have some observations of others' experiences. The conventional wisdom is there is nothing you can do. Your MLC spouse will do what they need to do and will go through it at their own pace. But after spending a lot of time reading here, my feeling is that is not entirely true. Sure you can't control what they feel and do, but the reaction of the LBS seems to me to be really important to the outcome. When I look at the tone people adopt in their posts from years back when talking about their spouses and then look down in the footer to see where they stand now, if I had two words to describe those that reconciled with their spouses, I would say that they were "patient" and "compassionate" and those who were divorced had been "resentful" and "angry."

Now, it may be that everyone wants to spin those that moved on and divorced and started new lives on their own as success stories but considering the divorce rate for those who engage in second marriages is higher than the first I do think there is some sort of personality traits in the LBS that do shape the outcome. I don't buy that we are helpless in all this. Sure the MLCer may actually himself/herself be resentful and angry but if you both are, what chance do you have? None, because there is nothing to attract either one of you. But at least if you are patient and compassionate, you are giving the other person a potential reason to stay.

So no, I don't buy that this is something that the MLCer has to get through on his/her own. That may be true, but you CAN influence where he or she winds up, that is so clear from these boards. It might feel better to be absolved of any blame in all of this but frankly I think a lot of LBS do play a role in increasing or decreasing the odds of the marriage surviving.

That's just my observation, but I am just keeping in mind that most people come here just to talk about themselves. Some may be doing the right thing, but some may be doing absolutely the wrong thing. If we want to learn anything from reading this board, I think we do need to pay attention to the outcome we want and look at whether the people we read have achieved that outcome, or else we could be influenced in a bad way.

Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 98
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 98
Oops, sent that before I could make an edit I wanted to make. I wanted to say:

That's just my observation, but I am just keeping in mind that most people come here just to talk about themselves for their own benefit, not to necessarily because they are role models we should emulate.

Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
2Lady,
You raise some valid points, but please don't take offense at what I'm about to say. I feel that NO ONE here comes to the boards to be a role model. I believe that EVERY poster originally comes to the boards seeking help, advice, guidance and support during a sad and often desperate time in their relationship.
Yes, they do come here to talk about themselves while seeking help and laying out the details of their situation as it unfolds; but also as a way of organizing the chaotic tangle of thoughts and feelings that fill their heads. What each person's story and ensuing support or advice from other posters brings to the table is invaluable...each person is able to find a connection, a gem of advice, a spark or epiphany that might help them to learn or grow or heal on their own journey. Role models arise through wisdom gained in relating their own situations or through connections made with other posters...they can make mistakes or offer advice that doesn't necessarily "work". They are learning and growing, too. They are often "vets"; not experts.

With that said, I believe most people come to these boards to try to save their M. D is not what we want. Yet there is a reason that it has been said that it is not over until we say it is as well as we can't control our MLCer...two things that seem to be at odds. In my case, as in many others, the time between BD, H moving out, and D filed by H was so quick I hardly had found DB and started that process much less taken a breath. It takes time to learn to 180 and get control over your emotional state when dealing with rejection from someone who you thought was in love with you as much as you were in love with them. In some cases, D is inevitable as the MLCer may have decided that D is the only chance to be happy, even though (in my H's case) he keeps saying he's not. They HAVE to find out on their own as they make their way through this journey. By being patient, kind, and loving toward them (as you mentioned) when interacting or speaking of them to others in real life, we are still showing them our love while allowing them to not feel pressured or controlled as they make their way on their own. And many of the LBS are going to vent on these boards so it (hopefully) doesn't come out to our MLCer; they (we) are going to sometimes make mistakes though as we are trying to gain control over the only thing we can...ourselves. I don't think most people on here believe you can't INFLUENCE your MLCer; the idea is to realize you can't CONTROL them. So we GAL to try to learn how to love and gain control of ourselves, and let them be in control of themselves.

So, do we discount the advice or stories brought to these forums by those who are D but have not given up on DBing as "failures"? I believe in some cases dropping the rope and moving forward is not actually giving up on your relationship, but seeing that the MLCer feels that he needs to see an end to the M as an end to his pain and that if his pain continues, it might cause him to look deeper into himself and do the hard work of finding out the true cause of his pain. If we can work on ourselves while the MLCer is working on themselves, maybe there is a chance of R. So, for many of those who D and move on to be happy with themselves, but do not remarry...DBing is still ongoing. We have a lot to learn from them. "Success" by your definition of saving the marriage has may not have happened, but saving the relationship may still be possible.

For those who have moved forward and have DECIDED that it was over, remarried or not, they may have failed to save the marriage, but call their ability to find happiness a success. I don't believe we can discount their advice or lessons learned, either. Their ability to find happiness after the low times and their techniques and resources can benefit those who are still struggling to DB their relationships, no matter what phase they are in.

I think as long as you follow the guidelines of being patient, loving and respectful to your MLC spouse, while using this safe place to vent or share frustration, anger, sadness and any other emotions you have, you will not be influencing others in a bad way. You will be simply sharing the story of your own journey with an unknowable outcome and a lot of amazing insights along the way. There is no situation that can lead to success or failure by following it...we are all too complex and different. All you can do is try to let your MLCer do their thing, while treating them with love and respect from a pressure free distance until they chose to turn to you.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard