Separated- Wife in Emotional Affair

[Chris82]

My wife and I have been married for 9 years.We have 2 boys together (5 & 3) I found out a few months ago there was a male co-worker she had become quite friendly with, starting with social media, then grew into group texting with coworkers, and then into personal texts. I eventually learned they were all meeting up for dinner when I was out of town one night and had a friend "spy" on the situation. My friend confirmed that the situation was a little too "touchy feely" to be just a friendship.

I immediately called my wife, and the other man (who's cell number I had gotten when we all went out together one night when attempting to build friendships with her friends). He told me that she was cheating on me with him, and when I asked if it was physical told me "not yet." I was enraged with hurt. Now my wife says "he didn't say that" or "he was too drunk and probably said it being a smartass" etc.

I told her that in order for us to fix our relationship, that the emotional affair had to stop and needed to be severed. She refused to do so, or even acknowledge her constant texting, hanging out at restaurants and bars with him even with others from work as an affair. We subsequently separated on a trial separation, nothing legal. She told me that we fought all the time and I was verbally abusive, which I can admit. I didn't fight fair a lot of times, but neither did she.

I had threatened to leave on several occasions. She had threatened to kick me out on several as well. I just chocked it up to marital conflict, we would fight and then be okay by lunch the next day.

Since the separation I have been devastated about losing my family and splitting time with my children. I have tried to beg and plead for her to come back, and it's only made things worse. It's hard to commit to NC with kids because of school arrangements and scheduling. Also. She also continues to see and spend time with him even after what was said to me. I feel disrespected and betrayed and made a mockery of.

I've since come to the realization that I cannot force this situation and "win" her back. I've tried and said everything in my heart, and she is cold to it all. She wants nothing to do with me right now, and everything to do with him it seems. Am I right to step away at this point and just let it unfold? I don't want a divorce, but it doesn't seem as though this separation is affecting her whatsoever while it's tearing me apart.

I told her last night that I didn't want to speak to her unless it was about the kids anymore. That her lifestyle was hurtful to me and I just didn't recognize her anymore and that's where I left it...I've decided to focus on my life and doing things fulfilling both personally and spiritually that make me feel good (charity work at my church, long nights at the gym, etc.). I have no interest in the bar scene, but she does.. with this guy in tow most of the time.
I just feel like I've already lost.

Help please?

[Cadet]

Chris

Welcome to DB

I am going to suggest that you copy and paste this post on the newcomers section as you will get more responses there and they will be quicker.

Once you are off moderation then you can post where you please.

[shreeve]

I am in very similar situation, but no children are involved. Wife is madly in love with a former boyfriend who was recently divorced. I did read DR and am trying my best to move on, she only told me of the divorce on 12/25/15 and admitted to the affair after I found phone records on 1/10/16. I guess they go through an emotional detachment and then justify the affair with some pretty fuzzy logic.

It hurts a lot, don't know for how long, but I still have trouble sleeping and assume it will continue for months. I just try to exercise, eat right, and stay busy with friends / conversation / cleaning / organizing house. It's a long road ahead but you can make it a positive outcome by focusing on YOU.

[Bex]

Hi Chris

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this, I am currently in a very similar situation myself (husband had affair and refused to end it and is now seeing this girl, we are separated)

I can honestly say that from my experience, trying to communicate with your wife to ask her to come back / end the affair etc will only push her further to this other man, you have to disengage with her completely- I have 2 very small children and all I do is send Text messages to my husband re the kids and discuss children briefly when necessary. Not communicating with him has been the best thing for my sanity, I'm concentrating on me and the children, making me happy again and I'm actually starting to feel alright about myself. Don't contact her!!! Make sure that when you do see her, you seem happy, busy and look good! That always makes me feel better about myself, plan nice things to do with friends, treat yourself to something or a day out, enjoy your children- all of these things will
Make you feel better about yourself, in turn my husband has treated me much more respectfully (although he is still with the OW) and I am actually finding that I am starting to actually be happy!