I am Pink, have been posting on a Newcomers since I joined this forum, but now I came to a crossroad that I need some extra help.
I was told by many and some Vets my XH is an MCer and was reluctant to accept that as a fact. I thought he was lost, confused, that he would be back home soon, then that he fell out of love with me, hated me and so on.
Then I started trying to understand that even when I am trying to move on with my life I still have my XH around, very present into my life.
I am tired of all this and I do not really know what to do anymore. I accepted my M is over, I am busy, I never call, text, snoop, I basically took myself out of the equation, but then why I am still being pulled back into all what is going on?
I guess the hard part started on last Thanksgiving when I finally stood my ground and said to XH that I did not want to be intimate with him. He still lay down beside me, hugged me, kissed me on my face, but nothing more. He tried in the morning and again I said no.
Then he started talking about OW and that he does not know what she wants and thinks that she doesn't know what she wants either. That he has feelings for her yet. I listen and just said that I am sorry he finds himself like this, that I hope things get better for them.
I went downstairs and he started talking about our R, how he has been thinking and he can see now how much of a Jerk he has been to me for so many years, that he was not present and gave his support when I needed. That he made one mistake on top of the other with the decisions he made for himself and that now he needs to pay a heavy price for what he though was right.ur D.
I said that things are almost done, that he needs to take his stuff from the house, we need to solve a few more paperwork and that it would also be done soon enough.
He left and was back in about an hour asking for forgiveness, saying that he was not right disrespecting me that way, that he is a Jerk and he loves me and will always love me even now after our D.
After that day and all what happen I decided to go NC, totally dark. Part because the DB but most for my own sanity. I was not home when he came to pick up "our sons" as he says, I did not answer his texts, emails, or even some calls.
A sunday before XMas he asked to hang at the house and sat down here for about 3 and half hours and said about half a dozen words to the kids, nothing, he did not even move. It was awkward, weird.
He left to Virginia to spend XMas with his family, once back he came to the house and got here a little before the time he said he would be here so I was still there. He started talking to me, I gave him short answers and did not engage in any subject.
He saw I was getting ready to leave and asked me for a few minutes of my attention. Then started asking why I did not contact him about the kids gifts. I said that I did what I need to do, S15 told me that he mention he would pitch in with a $100 and that is what I did.
He said that I needed to call him and discuss our plans and I said that he won't see me doing that ever. That I have my budget, decide what I need and want to do and that is all. I won't put my nose in his life and that it is not my business. That if he wanted to be part of something else about Xmas then he could have arranged that in advance.
He then started saying that it is all happening because I am ignoring and avoiding him. I just said that he should be happy I do not bother him like a crazy Ex Wife, that I am busy and do not have anything to talk to him.
He went on this long explanation about being good parents and doing what is best for our kids. I listen and just did not answer much, this was totally ridiculous.
Then I just said, I won't beg for anything, I won't answer any email or text that are not important. I will replay if it is about the kids or any other emergency. I won't be in a house if I do not want or have anything else to do because it is my time to spend and it is actually good when he takes the kids and feed them so I do not need to worry about that and I can do my own stuff.
When I was leaving I asked if he would like to spend the New Year's Eve at the house with the kids (it was his holiday with the kids). I said that I had a party I could go with some friends and if he did not have any plans and would like to be with the kids at the house that he could. He said he had nothing programmed yet and he was glad he could be with the kids.
When I came back from the gym, he was still at the house, he then said that it was not right that I asked him to stay the New Year with just three days before hand. I then explained that if was just if he did not have any plans, and if he had one then I would just tell my friends I would not join then and would stay home with my kids because I did not want them alone at this particular time.
Until New Year's Eve he was at the house every day, saying that he would like to spend time with the kids as much as he could. New Year's Eve comes and I was getting ready when he came to the house.
I went downstairs when I was ready and he said: "Wow Cira, you look amazing!". I said thank you but did not give him any attention, I was happy, smiling, the kids were talking to me, I was more worry about my party then anything about him. Before I left I said Happy New Year to him and just gave him a brief hug, he was ready for a big hug but I was really very brief, like he was my neighbor.
When I came back he was there, sitting on the cough very sad, looking very depressed. He asked me how was the party and I smiled and said it was fun. I sat on the other cough and we stayed there without saying a word until S15 came and asked him if he would sleep on the cough or if he would leave. He then started getting ready to leave. I told him he could stay because it was kind of dangerous about the drunk drives in the streets but he said he tough was better to go, I just said OK, take care.
The next day I got a message from him very early and did not answer since it was not important, but then I go email with visit schedule, I got more texts about his mountain plans with the kids, and about his car in the shop, and what time he would be at the house, and that he could take the kids to have dinner somewhere.
It was all day long getting idiot messages from him. I did not answer anything. When he came later in the day, I was brief but not rude, I was happy with myself.
Then it was yesterday, the day of the big fight. First he shows up at the house with his cousin = XH did not tell me he would bring his cousin in the house. Well, I was polite and talked to his cousin, since I actually knew him when he was very young. The cousin by the way is also getting a divorce and we talked a little bit about it.
Then XH got a cooler from the garage without asking me, he also got some water and soda, he opened the pantry and served himself with some snacks. I just looked at that and was amazed that he does not respect me or my house, that he thinks he still owns it. But I did not want to make a big scene in front of his cousin and did let go.
Once they were leaving I made an stupid comment that now I understand their plan, these two divorced guys in the mountains. XH pretend he did not understand. They left. Two minutes later S15 comes in a house and could not even talk, he was crying hard, loud and saying that he hates his dad. I tried to talk to him but he would not answer me.
I went to XH's car and asked what happen because S15 was crying like crazy. XH then said that when he was in the car he asked his cousin if he told me about their plans and his cousin said no. Then he made a comment that it was just Cira always pretending that she knows everything, that women are always playing games to get to him, that I have nothing better to do.
Then he tried to explain that he did not say it to offend me, that he never ever talks bad about me. But this was my fault that he reacted that way because I am always making some comments about him, that always when he comes in the house I have something to say and burn him in front of the kids. I looked at him and asked him to start explaining that and saying when was these times I have been making smart comments about him. And reminded him that most of the time we discussed our differences that we were outside the house. He was angry with me, he was fighting saying that he is trying his best but I don't understand his side, that I am the same way, ignoring him and all what he does.
He then flip right there in front of me, saying that he did not have a father, that people did not care about him, that no one ever gave any kind love and understanding. That he gets that I am angry because S15 was crying and I want to protect him, but that it is a temporary phase and S15 will grow up and will understand all this.
That he wants to be a good father to his kids and is trying very hard. That he gets that the kids do not want to be with him all the time but he wants to be a father he never had.
I had tears in my eyes at that point. I was looking at a man that did not make too much sense. He looked stressed out, in pain, saying more things about himself then addressing his son's issue.
He then said that his life is miserable, that I think he is always having fun and partying and it is not true, that his cousin is family an that he was just going to spend some time with him at the mountains, that he does not have anyone in his life and that I need to know this, that his life is not easy and he is paying a very heavy and hard price for the decision he made. That he needs to live every day knowing all his mistakes, that he has nothing and his life is nothing.
I decided to ignore all the drama pity party and said that would be best if he does not come in the house anymore, that he can come to pick up the kids and stay outside and they all have their phones that he can let them know once he gets there. That I want his stuff out of the house and out of the garage. That this is what he decided, the life he wants and that it is time for him to just go.
I said looking at him that I want to live my life and he needs to live his and that is what I want from now on. That I went to counseling, I did forgive him, I understood his choices and respect them and for quite a while I decided to start rebuilding my life and he is not in the picture and that it is now time for him to go once for all.
I told him I had enough and do not want anymore of the mixed messages, that the kids will be better off without all our drama around them too. He was angry, sad, looking hopeless. I said that his life is not my business and he can do whatever it pleases him with it and it is not of my concern if he has someone or not.
I said that I am happy with my life now and want to have a good time rebuilding myself and that it is not in our best interest to continue this kind of talk.
Then I asked S15 to talk to him, S15 did not want but I told him he started this then he needs to face the situation and say to his father what he was feeling and thinking. He came and said to his dad that he did not want to go to the mountains and that he would never accept his dad saying anything bad about his mom in front of him. That his dad would never disrespect his mom again.
XH did not apologize, he was angry, but did not say anything about it. He just said that if it was S15's decision that he would not stand in his way.
He was very angry, like never before since BD, I felt he would like to punch me in the face right there. But he did not say a word against me, he just repeat how his life is so miserable.
He brought S15's ski gear back into the house and said goodbye, at the door he turned around and came back into the kitchen to tell me that during the week he was at his mom's house that she kept picking on him all week, that she kept reminding him and telling his brothers how bad he was when he was young. That she was taking pleasure to put him down.
Then he said that he does not hear anything good, that all what people say to him is to hurt him. I just stood there, listening, did not get why he was telling me all that. Then he left.
So, I think I am in the right place here, after researching and reading more about MLC I came to the conclusion that it is better to face it and understand at least a bit of what is happening.
I left him alone, I really, really do not go after him, I resolve all my issues by myself, I am independent, I do not call, text or email him. I do not try to engage in any way or form. He is now very angry with me.
I just figure that the more I find my way and I am happy with whatever life I have for now, the more he is reacting to it. I need to be careful do not say too much, and not take any of his baits.
He is instigating me.
Before I would think to myself, why? if I just leave him alone and do not bother him at all, why is he picking on me so much. Now, I see that there is no simple way out of it. He will keep coming and making my life a hell no matter the reason he finds.
He has one foot outside and one foot inside this family and I need to find the right balance so no one will get even more hurt, no one will go crazy with this. XH is inconsistent, unbalanced and the worst is that he thinks he is right and everyone else is wrong.
He is totally unhappy with his life, himself, his job, with me, with the kids. It is always very painful when he is around because he drags everyone into his darkness.
I don't know what to do anymore and that's why I decide to come here where there is wisdom of how to deal with this. I can't not just say I will move forward. XH is a present figure and won't just leave us alone, he makes sure he is there, present. So, I can't anymore just pretend I am DBing, going dark or NC.
I am making my changes for a long time and I have goals to change somethings further. I feel better about myself and my life even tough it is not perfect the way I want it to be. I am responsible and I keep my kids accountable for their responsibilities as well.
I do not see much wrongs in what I am doing, but he keeps pulling me back into his nightmare as I want it or not, he always finds to way to get to me.
What do I do from here I do not know, I set my boundaries but sometimes he can not care less about it. We are still married in Brasil and he does not want to D there. I feel that he keeps it as we are somehow still married since it was our real marriage in civil court and in a catholic church. We married in US just to make things easier for the immigration paperwork. If he thinks this way or not I do not know, I asked why and he said that he just don't want it and period. So, I don't really know.
I am sorry for my long post, I just find myself crying with real pain now. At the beginning I was in desperation mode, then I became hopeful, then I started accepting my path and moving forward with my life accepting we are really done, now I have pain I never tough it would be possible after all what we went through and I have my kids suffering along side too.
Please, if you have any advice I would welcome it. The just move forward with your life does not cut anymore, I need a way to deal with this nightmare.
I'm so sorry that things have been all over the emotional place for you and your S15 this holiday season. It sounds like your h is not a happy camper.
It sounds like you and your h are victims of the Distance/Pursuit game and that he's trying to pull you back into the game.
You are going to have to set some boundaries w/him. Do you have a set visitation schedule for him to visit w/his son? If not, I would think about setting one. This "entitled" feeling of being able to just show up and bring along a friend and/or relative is a bit too much since you weren't aware that he was going to have someone w/him. He would have to either ring the door bell or knock to enter and not just walk in and help himself to the food and water that you've purchased. He needs to realize that he doesn't live there any longer and you are not his "mother" who stocks up for her man/child.
Of course, they all say that we haven't changed. They are projecting. If you have made changes, make them permanent if you are happy w/them. Don't allow him to rattle your chain about changes. He can see the changes and in some cases, probably isn't happy w/them, nor does he want to see you happy either.
Try not to argue w/him. He will attempt to goad you into arguing so that he can say you've not changed, etc. When he wants to have a discussion, if it becomes heated, tell him that you are sorry that he feels that way and end the discussion, i.e., hang up or walk away.
Pink, it's going to be okay. You have to work thru the pain. Allow that pain to wash over you and release and continue as you have been. It's a journey that none of us wanted to be on, but it will get easier in time. Try to keep the focus on you and your son.
Hello Pink, a big welcome to this part of the forum. I'm sorry to hear that things are still somewhat rough with your XH. We presume that after D things will settle down, but your sitch demonstrates that D truly is a piece of paper and the contact and dynamic can persist following D.
I'm pleased that Job has already offered some wise advice. I would agree that your H doesn't seem very happy with his lot. That's his circus and not yours though - except where it impacts adversely on the kids.
I think the boundaries are important here. Following D and financial settlement, H is now a guest in your home. Yes, I know it was your married home, but things have changed now. He may visit at your invitation and by prior arrangement, and I think it is worth being clear about this as I do think it is pushing at boundaries.
I agree about the Xmas present issue too. If your XH wants to buy presents for the kids, he'll need to organise himself and not expect 'Mom' to do it.
From what you post, you are still trying to rationalise, debate and explain your POV to your XH. The problem with that is that the person on the other end is going through MLC - and so those convos are unlikely to be productive, and may just cause pain.
You are also still somewhat reactive about what he is up to. You say you are pretty much hands off, but you don't always manage to STFU and that comment about going to the mountains slipped out - then cue a big drama with him and your S too. It is best if you can truly accept - we are D - he can do to the mountains and do naked head stands in the snow if he wants to...
As you say, there are many wise posters in this part of the forum, and I'm sure it is a good place for you to be. I have very little interaction with my H, but I read and learn because who knows what the future holds.
Do try not to despair. It sounds as though there is more work to be done yet to get fully through this, and you have come a long way already my friend.
Take care, and Happy New Year to you! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you and I really want. I need all the energy I can get right now because it has been a difficult road for my kids and myself.
Our lives have been disrupted brutally and my XH is not going anywhere but staying around to just create chaos. In his mind he is doing all the right things for the right reasons.
I feel like giving up on it all and saying it straight that he can go to hell and never come back. But, and there is a but, he was lazy not a bad person. He was always a decent man, it is just unfortunately that now he is so upside down.
Please, you welcome to post it for me. I don't have any other way around besides learning and understand the virus that got into him. He is not going to leave us alone, he wants to be present.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Job, thank you for your kind words. I had a bad weekend, not very productive. Felt down on myself.
I know I need to pick myself up and see the positives. And I have a big one to hold to. S15 stood up for the love he holds for me and that's something without a price tag. I am very proud of him and the values he is learning.
It is just very difficult to deal with someone that play so many games. For example, I need to learn that my XH will do whatever to put me in a corner so I will react.
I lost it when I saw S15 in so much pain and desperation. XH has been punching hard over his head and he finally broke. Then I react badly. XH then said with all the words: "You did not change, you will never change. You still say things that hurt me."
I see now that I took the bait. He was trying very hard to get me to that point where I would just blow. And yes, I actually said that he needs to grow up and have some sense in his mind.
Well, I don't want to duel anymore on what happen, maybe just learn from that and keep moving.
Thanks for pointing out some things I can do and look forward. I think I am in the right place now. If it does not repair any kind of R with XH, I am sure I will learn how to deal with his nightmare and be happy in my life with my kids.
Sotto, thank you so much, as usual I agree with Toots!!! I was thinking a lot why I made that comment and I found out that I am kind of jealous that XH is in a fun mode. He always plays a broken record: "Oh, my life is miserable, I am nothing, lonely, I have nothing, you have no idea how painful it is." then goes in another vacation.
When we were married, he never had time to spare for his family, he was always super busy at work. Now, it's like he does not even work anymore.
Yes, I should think about myself and the kids and have fun and it all. But life has it's business side too, and there is obligations, deadlines, forms to fill, money to make, sometimes I feel we are always on the clock.
XH has no responsibility, he thinks that he is doing a lot just taking the kids to eat out somewhere and dropping them off at home.
It's simple jealousy and I need to work on letting that go and see the other side. I have a loving and fun family and he needs to always do something and go somewhere because he can't live with himself anymore.
I need to find a way to deal with this horrible feeling. Any advice is welcome.
RD, my sweet RD, life would be the same without thinking you are somewhere in this world. I know it is always good to hear from you because we relate in so many ways in our sitch.
You are many times an inspiration to keep doing the hard work for my family. I really respect and admire you. Thanks for being a light when all the lights goes off.
Hope we can all have a better 2016 then what it was in 2015. Love, Pink
Take your time to read through a lot of the threads in this section. What you see in crazy will make you wonder if we are sane for standing. What you will see is that it is a long road we are on and its not easy nor is there a quick fix. Remember only you can decide how long you can and will deal with this. No one here will judge you in any way. We use 2x4s and even 2x6s sometimes when it is needed. Remember we all are here for each other.
Stop beating yourself up. Figure out strategies to not get drawn into his games. He will believe he is doing all the right things yet to everyone else it will just be crazy. One day he may even wake up and ask you what happened. I had this happen recently just 4 months after she pushed through the divorce. She had no idea what had happened nor was she happy. So keep in mind you cant put your self in his place and try and figure out what is going on. When its over he probably wont be able to either.
Do your GAL activities. Keep moving forward and dont stop. Make him catch up to you if he can and wants too. Show you son who the rock is in the family and who he can count on. Right now live your life for you and your son.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
