MY xh was around every weekend for 2 years then no contact for the last 7
I also have sometimes wish for "Normal" divorces where people share custody and get alimony but with MLC nothing is normal..it is what it is and seems to be very close to the way an addict/addicted person would live their live running hiding and never facing reality or responsibility
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Cali and HaWho gave you great advice Irish. I will add this: know what YOU want. That's sometimes really hard to figure out, but once you know what YOU want, everything else will fall into place. That was the first bit of advice from our mediator. It has proven to be quite sound. There, just saved ya $350 and hour take the girls out on me Seriously though, good luck. Stay strong. This is a business meeting, no more, no less. There will be time and place for the relationship / emotional piece. Not here. You and your daughters have been through enough. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I went in dressed as I would for a business meeting, I also adopted that mindset, I knew my rights, what I was not willing to settle for and I was not going to give w one penny more than what the state would recommend, not out of spite nor pride but if I gave a dollar more than I would have needed to it was going in her pocket and in my mind I was stealing from my S. She wanted it, she would need to feel all of its consequences I got a haircut, and went in happy and at peace. To that point I did all I could and made so many changes I looked at this as a final chapter to a book... Was a good book but I knew there was a better book ahead of me to read, I even shared a joke/story with w in the meeting room as she attempted small talk, I can't tell you how much this confused her.
Cali great advise...this is exactly what I plan to do. Actually W has a lot more $$ to lose since she bailed on her own debt and thought I would just pay it off as the nice guy I am (when she was my W). She is not my wife. I will make sure she pays her own debts. I owe her nothing.
Originally Posted By: Hawho
I think you are a pillar to your daughters. Your situation is particularly heartbreaking to me, as a mother myself. As a society I think we are sort of desensitized to men who leave their families. It's wrong but it happens so frequently that we somehow make a place for it. It is so rare for a mother to leave her family. Honestly, it scares me because who knows what could happen to me and my own mental status.
Hi HaWho..yes it's mostly men that are the ones who abandoned their kids. I know 3 other cases just by talking about it to friends in my town that the Woman has done this. They all ended up alone because men don't stand. Pride and ego prevent these men from doing so. The men I know here that stand are true men. Like the Women who stand for their men. It's a true shame that most of them go noticed to their MLC. I can't imagine what you and your kids go through when witnessing your H behavior.
Originally Posted By: peacetoday
MY xh was around every weekend for 2 years then no contact for the last 7
Hi peace :-) 7 years. I know your story and I am so thankful you are still helping so many here. I know it must also help you keep sane. Your kids also know its not their fault or yours. Your XH reaching out to them after 7 years is just opening the wounds. Your Daughter handled it so well and I see that strength in my 2 D's.
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
know what YOU want. That's sometimes really hard to figure out, but once you know what YOU want, everything else will fall into place. That was the first bit of advice from our mediator. It has proven to be quite sound.
Thanks for the advise bttrfly, you saved me 350$, so yes I will treat my D's to some winter ziplining and skating in the old part of town. Winter festival starting. Can't wait.
Yes we have been put through enough. It is this life's challenge and how we deal with it head on that will shape my D's future. I see them strong and they will not fall into this cycle.
All of you gave the best advise combined. I will go in there on a mission to protect my family.. even though its without W. She skipped out. We didn't. If she's mad that I am not holding back well that is her to deal with. She won't drag me down...
I am so pumped now lol. Wish I could have the mediation meeting now at this minute.. I will re-read all this advise in the morning before I go.
thanks again. I needed this
xxx Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Hi Irish, I'll be thinking of you and hoping the meeting goes as well as these things can do. You have already had some good advice. Like others, I think the best approach is 'business meeting' and try and put any hurt feelings to one side until you get home again.
Who knows how things may ultimately turn out, but for now there are some things that need to be resolved in order that you can both move forward. I'm at a similar stage to you, but we are doing the process via email as H lives a few hours away now.
Take care and let us know how things go xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mediation appointment was this morning and W was there. I sat down and did not start any conversation. I can see her looking at me in the corner of my eye. She whispers. “How are the girls?”
I reply calmly that they are fine. Schools is going good ect.
She then asks “why the D’s still are mad at me?” I ask her what she thinks the reason is. She replies” because I left you”.
I smiled and shook my head. I reply. “No. it’s more than that.” She then goes into the angry mode. Saying I am keeping the D’s away from her. She is their mother and I should force them to see her.
Remember we are not in mediation yet. We are in the reception area waiting for our appointment to start.
ME - “you are their mother and you decided to abandon them. You hurt them more than you can imagine.”
W – “I never abandoned them. I want a list of things I did bad to them. “
ME – “you had an apartment – lost it – moved away out of town. I call that not being in their lives and running. You neglected them to the point that they don’t want to see you. Took their keys from them, insulted them, told them lies that they saw through…. ” She cuts me off.
W – “I don’t want a list anymore… I couldn’t afford the apartment. I had no choice.”
ME- “So you kook up with the first guy and move in with him?”
W – “So in order for me to see the kids and to have them wanting me back, I need to move back to our town, break up with boyfriend?” She is now looking at me with this huge grin waiting for my reaction.
ME – “I don’t care what you do with your boyfriend. You should put your kids first, be there for them especially during a separation. They want a mom not a friend for hot chocolate or a movie.”
Long pause
ME “I don’t want to talk about this. It’s been 7 months and this is a conversation we should have had then. We are here to finalize the separation financials and be divorced ASAP. You will be free and it’s done. If you want me to help you with the kids to reconnect I will but I won’t force them.”
W is clearly unsettled now. Starts turning in her seat
W – “I don’t need your help….This isn’t working for me. I don’t feel like I am properly represented here anyway. I’m leaving and will continue this through my lawyer”
She gets up as the mediator comes to greet us. W tells her she is leaving and cancelling any future appointments. Says she still doesn’t see her children. They don’t want to see her.
I stay quiet until she attacks me. “And H (me) is controlling the kids against me. They don’t respect me at all. I left him not them. I wasn’t happy any more. I will go through my lawyer. Force him to sell the house. I gave my D’s Xmas gifts through the school… they returned them to me at my work. H (me) drove them. They wrote nasty comments on the envelope.”
ME – “The Xmas gift was nice but wasn’t delivered in the proper way. The secretary presented it to them in front of a bunch of kids and they were insulted and embarrassed. They were also teased about this from kids. I did not drive them to your work to deliver this because at that time I was at work. I also apologized to you for their behavior via text in which you said you understand they are angry at you for what you had done to the family and them. Sure W, I am the puppet master, I control the D’s and they weren’t witnesses to your new personality...”
W looks at me with an angry look. “You be quiet I don’t want to hear nothing from you”
MEDIATOR – “if you want me to meet the D’s and discuss with them”
ME – “Sure, I am open to this idea. I want to proceed with mediation since we got this far. I can have the D’s here anytime.”
W – “NO, I will deal with it through my lawyer.” And she walks out.
So nothing but a mess today. Not sure if she is starting to realize things are coming to an end and she is trying to delay it. She knows that the laws where I live listen to the kids and at their age they have a say in the matter.
She went from trying to find herself at BD to blaming me when she left, then it’s all her fault for breaking up the family at Xmas to blaming me for everything today.
Oh the joy of MLC
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Well, not a shocking revelation .... Things are not playing out as she perfectly had it planned. I often pondered how my W had mediation all set and we never made it past 1 meeting.... Heck you didn't even get out of the reception area ...lol.
Her going lawyer on you seems nothing more than a power play here to try to regain control and punish you for poisoning the children you wicked wizard you. You did well, being all for the mediator talking to the kids set her into the final spin cycle. As with all things like this... She is most likely going to slow cook and I would expect either Ms Nicey-nice or Mrs Monster... Most liked a combination of both
I totally agree w/Cali. It's going to be very interesting to see which personality will come forth and speak to you in the near future.
She was playing the lawyer card to get you to back off and regain control over a situation that she created and she knew she was very wrong about all of the things that you identified.
I think you handled the situation well and I'm not surprised you didn't even make it into the meeting w/the mediator. Now, that's a first!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
take the girls out on me 
