In no way, shape or form is it ok with me for her A to continue so long as she is living in our house. I feel that if she wants to do that crap, then she needs to get the hell out. I think it would be absurd to allow someone to continue with this type of behavior once you know about it. However, in Cristy's reply above, she suggested that I NOT confront my W about it and not to kick her out. My goal here is to see if our M can be salvaged so I don't want to take any steps that would sabotage that. I don't understand why Cristy suggested that I not confront her and that is what I would like to understand.
I have been implementing the LRT this week and I THINK I have seen a couple of positive reactions. If its working, I'm willing to suck it up and silently bear the pain of her A and deal with it later during counseling if she will begin to mend the pieces with me.
You say that your W's affair ended immediately. Has your M since reconciled? Is it happy and healthy?
I have spent the day reading all the posts related to WW's and it has been helpful.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
There's a couple of things that would influence my reaction: Do your kids already know OM in his role as trainer? Do you think W has exposed them to the A? Do they normally go there with her? Is OM's W not there when your kids are? Have you noticed any odd behavior from your kids? Unusual anger, sullenness, sniping at their Mom?
Are you 100% sure that what you found, means there is an A? If so, I would talk to a lawyer to find out what the consequences are in your state. Also discuss with counselor before doing anything.
I know how difficult this is, even with adult kids, an A is devastating. H did not understand that at all, which is mindblowing. Don't expect W to see any problem with the situation.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
The OM is a person that has been in our life as my W's trainer for probably a couple of years. My kids know him in this role. My guess is that the A has been going on for a couple of months. I do not believe that the kids have been "exposed." It is not unusual for them to go to his place. In fact, they all went there on new years eve for a party and there were other people there. It is highly unlikely that my children are ever alone with him. His wife is frequently there but she does work outside the home so there are times when she may be gone. However, there are almost always going to be other people there. My kids are 13 and 14. I had a concern that they were being used to baby sit his younger kids when his wife was at work so that the OM and my W could have a rendezvous. But I have no evidence or reason to think that has occurred other than my mind wandering and thinking of the worst. I have not noticed any odd or new behavior from my kids.
There is absolutely, 100% an A going on. There is no doubt about that. The proof is absolute.
I don't think my kids are being actively harmed by being in the OM's presence. I just think its inappropriate for my wife to be having an A while still living in our house and involving our children in her activities with him.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Yes, we have reconciled and everything is fine now. It took awhile for my W to stop lying about what happened with her A but she finally gave up when more evidence surfaced. Yours will lie too, count on it. And she may use every manipulative method she has to make you feel content with her latest lie, sex, cuddling, anything and everything.
Sandi, and me too, differ with some aspects of DBing. Getting your W out of the fog of the A is critical before any DBing to repair the marriage can work in my opinion. That is why I subscribe to Sandi's rules on dealing with a WW. I believe Sandi was a WW herself and she will tell you being nice to bring a WW back to the M does nothing but push them farther away. It makes you appear weak and begging for scraps. Women are attracted to strong and confident men. I guess you will have to decide which path you think will work best for your situation.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I'm not suggesting that you NEVER discuss the A with your wife and just live with the status quo.
I am suggesting that you get the tools needed to move forward in a positive way. Please notice that I said move forward, not move on. Everything you say and do needs to be very strategic.
That is why I suggested you speak with a DB Coach. It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Darn it...... i know i typed a response to you but it didn't post.
Where is Starsky??????????????
It's late but I'll retype tomorrow
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
I've been posting updates in one of my other threads. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=myhome&n=1 I did confront my W about her A 6 days after discovering it. I spent time confiding in friends and my IC before confronting her about it. Separation began immediately after I confronted her. Since she left, I have gone dark and have started working on GAL. I work out daily, I get IC, I start a Divorce/Separation group at a church next Monday and I started Private Pilot Ground school to begin working towards getting my private pilots license (something I've always wanted to do). I'm also heavily focused on being a much better father to my 2 teenage daughters.
I'm reading books on how to be a better husband and how to recover from infidelity. I've also started keeping a journal. Its helps to get the thoughts out of my head.
The emotional pain I'm experiencing is devastating. I didn't know it was possible to experience this much despair in an entire lifetime. One minute I'm happy, then I'm angry and then I'm depressed. Its a viscous cycle.
She's not apologized or said she is sorry for the A. She's not told me that she has stopped (I DO believe she has but of course I can't know for certain). We've not had a single discussion about our R or M. She occasionally reaches out to me by text and we've had a couple of good conversations about stuff in general. I do not initiate conversation with her unless its about our kids and I try to keep that to a minimum. She is attending IC and is also going to this Pathways Pathways course next month which I think is a very good thing.
I don't know where things are going to go in the future. I love her and want to work on our M but that decision is hers to make. I know I can't force or pressure her to return to our M.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
