Devastated after finding hope in the DB process

[LiM]

I’m hoping for some advice as I’m feeling completely hopeless and lost.
My wife and I are in our early 40’s and have been married for 21 years. We have children. We’ve had a good marriage but it certainly hasn't been without its ups and downs. We’ve been to counseling before and it has always been helpful. In the past, both of us have been equally willing to recognize there are problems and were willing to go to counseling together. I’ve always found counseling to be useful and productive.
Our present situation is that we’ve both been engaged in our very busy lives and truthfully we have grown apart. We are probably both equally to blame for that.
I will admit that I can be guilty of being “oblivious” to problems that are obvious to my wife. I think this is probably true for a lot of men. But once they are pointed out to me (and sometimes it does take me a while to “get it”), I agree and begin to work on the problem with my wife.

Earlier this Summer, my wife started going to counseling on her own. At that point, a red flag should have gone up for me but it didn’t. I should have known that something was wrong and gotten involved. But I was oblivious. About 2 months ago, we had a big argument where she told me she was wanted to leave and separate. Again, something like this shouldn't have been a surprise to me but it was. I didn't see it coming. So over the next 2-3 weeks, I recognized that there was in fact a serious problem. I began going to counseling on my own but kept trying to get her to come with me because I felt we needed to work on it together. She was very resistant. She eventually did begin to come to 2 or 3 appointments with me this month but over that time period, it became very clear to me that she had already made up her mind that she wanted to leave and she would refuse to say that she was willing to work on the marriage with me. As I came to realize the seriousness of our situation, I began to become very depressed/angry/emotional. I would plead with her to please work with me on the marriage and I met resistance at every step.

A couple of days ago, I bought the book and realized that I was currently doing EVERYTHING that I was not supposed to be doing. I could check off most every item on the “do not do list.” The good news is that it made complete sense to me. Reading about why I shouldn't be doing those things and how by stopping I could turn my marriage around was exactly what I needed. Almost immediately, my depression lifted and I found the hope I needed to move forward. I felt that it would actually be easy for me to follow the process because it made so much sense. I began immediately.

I sat down with my wife and basically told her “All of your feeling are valid. You have a right to feel the way you do. I understand that you need to make choices that you feel are best for you right now and I’m ok with that. I don't need you to promise to work on the marriage with me. I will begin focusing on working on myself.” She then said “But you’re basically going to still be sitting around being depressed and angry.” I said “I have to choose if I am going to stay in that place or if I’m going to work on myself and move forward. I choose to move forward.”

I could immediately see a transformation in her right before my eyes. I could see her thinking “WTF is going on here? How have I managed to be this new person all of the sudden? Where had my depression gone? How was I suddenly ok with all of this?”

Then 3 hours later, I received information that confirmed she was actively having an affair. I had managed to stop doing all the things on the list except the spying. And now I can't undo that. I am paralyzed and devastated. I don't know what to do.

I believe the affair has probably been going on for 2-3 months. I believe her decision to separate is imminent but that she is not leaving me for the other individual. I think she has been lonely and was looking for comfort and support. I do not think she has already decided that divorce is certain.

But what do I do now? I love her with all my heart but I have no idea if its possible for me to overcome what she has done. Do I wait and let her leave on her own accord in a couple of weeks as I think she is planning? Do I call her out and kick her out of the house? I want to continue following the steps outlined in the books but now I’m so devastated that I don't know if its possible for me to not be depressed and outwardly wounded. Prior to this knowledge, I was certain beyond the shadow of a doubt that our marriage was salvageable. And now, I just don't know. My next counseling appt isn't until Monday and I don't know how to survive till then without some support or direction.

[Cristy]

Hello LiM,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

I'm glad you bought and read DR. Of course your marriage is salvageable! This process is a roller coaster. This new knowledge of an affair is powerfully painful. Do your best to be the best LiM and Dad by continuing your DB strategies. Focus on you and your kids. As hard as it may be, do not discuss your marriage or call her out/kick her out. Focus on positive changes in you for you and your children.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[LiM]

I tried calling but I guess it was after business hours. I'll call back.

After confiding a friend, I am feeling much better today. The night I found out, I probably only got 1 hour of sleep. I took some medication last night to ensure I was able to sleep and it has helped me to get my mind right.
I'm not so much angry as I am devastated and hurt. But I'm trying to stick to the plan. Yesterday, I worked out and then went to a movie. Today I am making a short overnight trip to spend some time with my best friend. I'm doing what I can to GAL. And this weekend, I'll make sure I spend some time doing something special with my kids.

I am however confused as to why I should not let her know that I am aware of the affair. After I came home from my movie last night, my wife and kids were gone. I got online to see the location of my kids phones and low and behold, they were at the OM's house. I'm not cool with that.
My feeling is that I should let her know that I am aware of the affair and tell her that she needs to leave the house so long as it is continuing. I believe I can do this calmly and without anger. My gut tells me that if she knows I am aware, and possibly scared that I would expose the affair to the OM's W (I wouldn't), that the affair would stop immediately. And at that point, I think she would then begin to engage with me on our issues. I know I can't tell her to stop or make her stop. That's her decision. But I can tell her she can't be in our house so long as it continues. I don't think its right for her to be able to stay in our house so long as the affair is ongoing and I certainly don't think its right for our kids to be around this other person.

If I don't ask her to leave on my terms, I do believe she will be leaving anyway. She does want a separation but I don't believe she has decided on a divorce. If she leaves on her terms, I believe the affair will continue and we can't reconcile so long as that is going on. If she leaves on my terms, I feel the separation could be only days or weeks (if the affair stops). If she leaves on her terms, the separation will be many, many months because she is going to have to find a place to live and sign a long lease.

[LiM]

Can this tread be moved to the Newcomer area? I probably should have posted there and I think I would get more feedback there.

Thanks

LiM

[Sotto]

Hello LiM, I'm so sorry you are here and welcome to the forum. It is the best possible place you can be at a time like this and the more you post and interact with others, the more beneficial you will find it.

I would encourage you to have a browse around the Newcomers section of the forum, which is the busiest part. There are a number of guys there with wives who are having A's. I feel for you. There is little worse than the hurt and devastation caused by a betrayal of this kind. People don't call it 'bomb drop' for nothing.

You'll be on moderation at first, so it may take a little while for your posts to appear, but do keep posting and you will come off moderation soon. Just thinking of a few posters whose threads may be of interest. Scrant would be one. He is also at an early stage and his W has left for OP, but he is doing pretty well considering.

One of the forum moderators will be along soon to post a welcome and some homework for you. I would encourage you to read all of that carefully. In particular, have a look at the threads started by Sandi on LBH's with wayward wives. What is contained in those will be pertinent to your situation.

The biggest thing I have learned about guys in your situation is that fear can really hold you back from DBing. Fear that you will lost your spouse completely and be alone, for example. I think overcoming the fear is critical. It is important for us all to realise that our spouses were 'gone' at BD and they may or may not return. DBing may feel counterintuitive at times, but I think it gives you a fighting chance at saving your M - and a significantly higher chance of healing, growing and moving on happily if it wasn't possible to repair the M.

One thing I will say is that things take a long time. Certainly months and often years. I think the biggest factor is patience and how long the LBS is willing to keep the door open a little. Sometimes the WAS may turn back to the M, but it is too late and the LBS has already moved on.

The main thing at this stage is to steady yourself I think. Look after yourself and take any early protective measures needed. Other than that, keep posting and starting to follow the wise DBing advice.

Take care xx

[NYGal]

Hi LiM. There's lots of good advice around here. I'm sorry this is happening to you right now. Don't worry that you've made mistakes. We all have. Just keep reading the books and these posts. And get a DB coach if you can afford it.
And when you get discouraged, just keep reading, and breathe. And don't be hard on yourself.
Best advice I've received is this: "Less is more." If you don't know what to say, just listen. If it hurts too much to listen, then take a break and quietly walk away. Don't lose it because that's what she's expecting.

[tl2]

Then 3 hours later, I received information that confirmed she was actively having an affair. I had managed to stop doing all the things on the list except the spying. And now I can't undo that. I am paralyzed and devastated. I don't know what to do.

Her infidelity doesn't change what your response should be. In fact, it makes it even more important for you to follow the DB principles if you're still interested in saving your M.

You should still be doing what you started out doing. It's going to be more difficult, though, because of what you suspect or know about the infidelity. No need for further discussion with her about it right now. I think you should stop the spying but that's my opinion. However, if you can document the situation in case you need it later in order to prove infidelity, that might not be a bad idea.

[sandi2]

Hi, Lim. Are you still with us? Holidays and weekends are a little slow, so don't get discouraged and think nobody is reading your post. Stick with us and post every day, and you will get more responses.

I have quite a bit I would like to give you, but I want to see if you are still here.

[LiM]

I'm still here and dedicated to sticking with this process. I started another thread in the Newcomer forum since it is more active. I've already been given lots of things to read and intend to read it all.
I want to spend time this weekend reading as much as I can but I'm a little unsure how to do it. My W is home but it is possible for me to sit on the couch and read through the forum without any interference. But one of the things I am guilty of is spending to much time "working" on my computer so I've been trying to stay off the computer when at home. I could go somewhere else to read but then I'm not engaging with my kids like I need to be. I suppose I can find an hour to get away and do some reading though.

My main issue right now is how to deal with the knowledge of my W's affair since starting the DB process. As I mentioned in my other thread my W is a triathlete and the OM is her trainer. My oldest daughter also participates in training with him and I just learned that she will be spending 2 hours over at the OM's house/training center this afternoon for training. I'm really not cool with my kids being involved with this person but I don't feel like I can stop them from going so long as I keep my knowledge of the affair a secret. I'm torn between what do do with the knowledge. Tell my wife I know and kick her out of the house if she chooses to continue or just suck it up and continue with the DB process without exposing her affair.

[mvgfwd2]

You have to ask yourself if you are willing to live in an open marriage and how long you can put up with it. That will tell you when you confront your wife about the A. I personally had zero tolerance for an open marriage and I confronted her with it within about 15 minutes of finding out. What does keeping it a secret do for you? Nothing in my opinion. The next day after I found out I called the OM's wife and told her about it. My opinion was if they wanted to continue this destructive behavior affecting both families they would have to do it in the open with all parties aware of it. I felt it was the least I could do for the OM's W too. The A ended immediately for me and they have not contacted each other since.

After that Sandi has some great advice for wayward wives, WW's