And the best goes on . . . it's MLC so you never know whether you'll get a gong, a triangle, metal pots and pans or all of the above at once. You won't get a steady drum beat, that's for sure.
Sunday evening (day after h snapped at me at the bowling alley and ignored me afterwards) I was upstairs in my bedroom with one son when I heard h coming up. He hardly even comes upstairs anymore. He comes in with S10 and says he made 3 fruit drinks. (Ahh, so today I exist again!). He hands it to me. I say thank you.
Yesterday, I came home to an odd scene. H seemed to be a little boy and a very injured one at that. Backstory: we were supposed to go to a nearby mountain, where if it rains here, it snows there. The idea was the the kids could sled and the dog could see snow.
But h had sent me a text that it looked like there wasn't enough snow for sledding. We discussed going for snow on the ground but we kind of agreed that wasn't worth it. At least that's what I thought we agreed upon.
So yesterday, the kids are off from school. I work in the am and then in the afternoon I decide to get them out of the house. 1/2 hr later h texts are we going to the mountain. (He says he texted son too but he did not answer. He always covers himself that he is not just asking me! He is saying: this is for the kids, not us.) I text back that I thought we nixed that plan as there was no snow. I ask if he still wants to go and say we can be back in an hour or so. He says it will be too dark. I tell him the exact sunset time as it won't get be dark. He says no he checked the forecast and there won't be snow until later in the evening. He seems he is okay with all this.
Fast forward a few hours. We come home and h is in the living room, with his most recent MLC album blaring and the fire roaring. I can't help but think of Jack in The Shining.
He turns down the music and in a very injured way tells the kids that they stood him up. (He does not talk to me or look at me.) The kids are confused; they hug him hello. He says 3-4 more times to the kids that he was stood up! So I say kindly: didn't you say there was no snow until later? He says: they didn't know that. (I think: they also don't make the plans as they are 12 and 10, but okay.). I say: I thought we decided yesterday we were not going. He says no, we decided we were?!? I need a court stenographer in this house.
But I tell him it was a misunderstanding because I see a hurt little boy and also, I want my kids to know they didn't do anything wrong! I know this is projection from something in childhood. His father would stand him up so maybe this is the root? I do want to validate the little boy because I know he was not allowed to discuss his feelings.
I drop out of the conversation. He again says he was stood up-- again sounds like a very little kid. This is not the teenager I usually see. He packs up his stuff and says he's going "back to the cave." He has said this same phrase a few times over he last few days. He says it in a huff.
Then he comes out AGAIN and says with a chuckle: that the dog is upset because he wanted to go see snow! Projecting onto the dog again! So I smile and say: the dog is a big boy he can handle it!
My heart breaks for the little boy when he comes out. I've only seen him a handful of times but I want to scoop this one up and hug him. Job - if you're reading, how do I handle the little boy who is rejected? His mother was cold so I don't want to be that and as said, I want him to feel safe expressing emotion.
In other late breaking news, he made the wild rice last night! The kids and a I were watching a movie and he gave a play-by-play that was hilarious. Very loud: I think I'll make my wild rice tonight! (No one comments.). He starts the water, pours in the rice and starts cooking it. THEN he reads the instructions. He says: oh shoot! (Very grumpy every time he cooks -- LOL! ) He takes the rice pot off the stove and starts rinsing the rice. He puts the rice back in the pot. Then he reads the package again and screams: 45 minutes!
Oh my goodness! The little boy has come out. The next time that the little boy comes out to play, validate him. I would try to hug the hurt little boy, must as you would have when your son was little. He needs to know it's safe to come out and express his hurt and disappointment. If your h pulls away, then that's okay...but you need to find a way to validate that inner child.
Poor dog, he's getting projection big time this holiday. I had to chuckle when you told him that the dog was a big boy and could handle it.
As you travel this path, you will see a lot of different personalities come out to play. Don't be surprised if they bounce back and forth. It's all part of the process for him.
As for the rice. I am laughing because it's evident he didn't read the instructions first.
You are doing a wonderful job of dealing w/your man/child. It's tough living w/them under the same roof, but like I've pointed out before, keep the humor handy and always remember, it's him, not you that's having a personality melt down.
So, what's on the agenda today? More rice?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job - my instinct was to hug him. But I was kind of scared that he would bristle. He probably still will. But, boy is it super sad to see. It's sad to think of him being stood up, too.
We are supposed to go to a high school basketball tournament later today. And if I know him, just before he leaves for the day, he will make one more PA comment: don't stand me up. I may go over then, hug him and say we wouldn't stand him up.
As for whatever he'll be cooking I will for sure know. He is so over-the-top loud when he cooks. He is a total disaster in the kitchen. Like a spoof you would see in a movie. You know those movies where the guy is totally inept in the kitchen and you think: this is so fake, there's no one like this? Well, that's him!
He broke 3 blenders in about a 6 week span. This was weeks before BD and boy was he acting funny. The first: I was on a work call in the kitchen. He took his blender into his dorm room (though it wasn't yet his bedroom) and ran it in there?!? All of a sudden, as I am still on the phone, I hear him screaming. He had left a spoon in there and run it! The blender was plastic so chocolate splatters EVERYWHERE. He was making a chocolate shake.
The next one he bought was glass. But he left a spoon in again! I can't even remember how he broke the third one.
I am amazed this house is still standing.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh my! He really is back in time. All you can do is have compassion, faith and hope that he'll navigate his crisis and come out a more mature man.
I am giving you kudos for being so patient and understanding. I know that there are days when you could throttle him. You are not raising one son, but two right now.
Enjoy the rest of your holiday!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yep - he said it again this morning! He asked the boys if they wanted to go to the tournament. They said yes. He asked me if I wanted to go. I gave my "safe, no expectations go-to answer": "if it's not an all boys' thing, then I would like to come. But if girls aren't allowed that is fine." Girls are allowed, so I can come.
Then he dropped the line (I knew he would!): "now don't stand me up."
I walked over and he thought I was going to walk past him. I went in for the hug and he opened his arm right up. His eyes were not injured. I gave a brief, solid hug and said: "no one is gong to stand you up. It was a misunderstanding." (I gave him the "there-there it'll be all right" just as I would give one of my sons.
My oh my, did he he did look surprised!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hawho, something must happen when they are in the kitchen! Your story reminds me of my own. On Christmas, when my H was here, we decided to try the coffee I had gotten him. I have a keurig and realized after trying to brew a cup, the grounds were way too fine, so it would not work. H came over and started messing with it, would not work. So he pronounced he would make cowboy coffee! Instead of just using my regular ground coffee that works....
He pulled down the ancient coffee maker from the cupboard, used different parts of it along with different utensils, dug through other cupboards to find the filters....stuff was everywhere along with all kinds of commotion and it took him about 20 minutes to make this cup of coffee. It too was like watching something in a movie. He also kept insisting my pump was broken on my keyring when in fact, it works just fine, it was the coffee grounds.
They make something so simple so difficult! It's amusing yet a bit disturbing at times
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Mleigh- Laughing out loud at the idea of cowboy coffee.
I see in this coffee fiasco what Job says: not too far below the surface they are looking for all that praise they lacked as kids. And I think they will go to crazy and great lengths to get it. Your h particularly seems to like to rescue the damsel in distress. (I think of the woman on the side of the road. My h would've sped past her and probably accidentally sprayed her with mud--LOL!). In this instance your h was even willing to force you into the role of damsel in distress so that he had someone to rescue. Too funny!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'm so glad you gave him a hug. I'm sure he was surprised, but deep down, he was one happy and pleased little boy.
Listening and observing really are the tools that will help you better understand him. I know, he's a grown man, but that inner child does come out to play periodically. It's good he knows that you will not "stomp" on those feelings.
As for the kitchen incidents, maybe their mothers didn't do a lot in the kitchen and they had to learn to fend for themselves or they look at the kitchen as a science lab to try different things...but the question comes to mind...are you "mom" left to clean up or does your "son" clean up too?
Humor makes things a little easier for you because you have stepped back far enough to realize what's going on. Yes, he's going to say some things that annoy you, but consider the source/age and continue moving forward. You are doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - to answer you, my h has learned to clean up after himself in the kitchen. He was a latchkey kid in all the wrong ways. He was left alone for too long when he was too young. I suspect he just left messes for his mom to clean up. I don't think she bothered teaching him much in the kitchen. Actually, she didn't teach him much in general.
He does have a strange relationship with the kitchen and I know I can lasso that issue right to his mother. When my kids were young, I swear, he saw what a true mother is and somewhere along the line he regressed to wanting that same care. I remember on multiple occasions saying we needed to co-parent not have him be a third kid. One very good thing is he is re-learning to take care of himself in the kitchen and elsewhere. Literally, I think he is growing up right with the kids.
Job - he is bouncing around quite a bit. Last night he came home and I was upstairs. I couldn't hear what he was saying to the kids but his cadence and pace of his speech was like old h. Have not seen this guy in a long time.
This morning he came out of his dorm room and again was back to sounding like his old self as far as the tempo of his speech.
In the last few days the kids have had some interesting observations. H went to grab his jacket on Sunday and S10 said: "NOW where are you going?" H answered "errands" and said jokingly "is that okay with you?" S10 knows h has been all over the map. I probably should have installed a revolving door long ago.
Even more uncomfortable was what happened last night. After dinner h grabbed his coat and this time S12 asked: "where are YOU going?" H: "out w/single, gross Viagra taking 50 friend (okay he didn't actually say that), be back in a few hours. I am just down the road if you need me." S12: "Don't lie." H: "Never. I'll be down the road, call if you need anything."
I say "bye" but think: really?!? He is catching a drink with that guy?!? Great. I thought he was all done with that loser. And of course, I know he has lied to me while in MLC. So much for "never."
When he comes home he is boisterous like he used to be.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
You are detached enough to actually see the changes he's going thru each and every minute of the day, i.e., notice I didn't say every day.
You are doing a great job in being a patience "mom" to your third "son". He's still fragile and w/your patience and guiding hand, he just might grow up to be a mature man who has a lot to offer to you and his children.
I've placed a new order for patience shovels. I'll send a few your way...although I don't think you need them. You've got this situation covered!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hawho, you continue to amaze me with how you handle yourself and your H day to day. I don't know how you do it and I love reading your posts. You are one of the best examples on here of patience and compassion.
I hope you have a great year ahead of you. How was your NYE?
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hi Mleigh - thanks for the kind words. It means a lot coming from a strong woman like yourself. You're quite a patient person, standing for your M like you have. And, wow, are you a great mom! Your son is a lucky boy.
Well, things have been odd here but now in a different way. Haven't seen the little boy since I hugged him. H has been quiet. Lots of silence. But, at times seems kind of manic in his movements?!?
On New Year's Eve I did a 180 and told h we were going out for Chinese. Usually I wait for him to initiate as I do not want to pursue. But, lately if I am going sonewhere I just state where I am going and ask if he is up for it. He said okay and asked for lunch or for dinner. I said dinner and reminded him it was NYE. (I was tempted to also mention that we are on the planet Earth--haha.)
At dinner I asked kids and h what their resolutions were. H said he would not say otherwise it might not come true?!? Guess he is confusing this with blowing out birthday candles. His fortune from his cookie was quite prophetic though: "versatility is one of your outstanding traits." No kidding there!!
We came home and watched a movie. But h couldn't sit through it. Halfway through he was up and down a lot. He would go to the kitchen, sip water and come back. Then, back up and over with the dog. Then back down. At one point we checked the tv for what was going on in NYC. Our wedding song was playing and I felt h watching me from the kitchen. I gave no reaction but boy, did that sting. 15 years ago I was happy and in love listening to that song. My oh my how the mighty fall.
And about 30 minutes later he just disappeared into the dorm room. I heard him snoring by 11pm. Woo hoo! And that, folks, is how the live-in MLCer rings in the New Year!
He has been sleeping a lot and at odd times. I came home at 4:30 the other day and S10 shushed me when I walked in as h was asleep in the dorm room. S10 follows me to the kitchen and tells me I need to check on h and make sure he is breathing. I was tempted to tell S10 that h was baking and to leave him alone. Ha ha. He led me by the hand and opened the dorm room door. I really felt like a peeping Hawho. H must have felt our owl eyes on him; his eyes popped open and he got mad. I told him S10 was worried about him. Everyone is watching him now.
Today we took the kids to an amusement park. Usually H takes off and walks by himself. But he stayed with us the whole time. But, except for a few sentences there was absolutely no talking between us. I wasn't uncomfortable. There is so much to say that it is just better not to fake the small talk. At one point I was with S10 while H was with S12 as they wanted to give on separate rides. When I walked up H had headphones on and he removed them when I sat down so that we sat in complete silence. LOL!
As for the wild rice, the next day h re-heated it for lunch and . . . left the whole pot (covered) on the stove for 3 days now. It is sitting in my Le Creuset pot with a 1/4 inch of mold on it. S12 accidentally checked in there today and gagged. He told h and h laughed and said "it's only been there for 3 days." I should for sure send a monthly bill to his mother.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh boy! He's all over the place. He was certainly antsy NYE! I guess the hug had him spinning. LOL! Sleeping is something that a lot of them do because they are depressed but also it takes a lot of energy to keep that distance, etc.
As for the pot of rice...yuck! How long are you going to leave in the pot? He really doesn't have a clue about cooking and what needs to be tossed. Definitely send a bill to his mother on that one!
Enjoy your day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - I was hoping his new year's resolution was to clean that pot of rice. Ha ha!
Kids and I were teasing him about it last night and he finally cleaned it. And, as he did so he gave us a lecture on how healthy wild rice is for you. I was biting my tongue to keep from saying: great! Our trash can will be the healthiest on the block.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Maybe he was trying to grow pencillin. Oh, most definitely...your trash can is the healthiest one on the block. If he thought that way...he should have eaten the rest of it because it might have helped w/the "brain power". LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Teenage h has been back on the scene and I sure do miss the little boy. As odd as it seeing a 50 year old man act like an 8 year old, the teenager has me eyeing sharp objects.
Morning started with h leaving at 9am. He says "bye" and is off. Must be nice having yours truly as an au pair.
He returns 2 hours later. S12 has made plans with friends. I decide S10 and I will do errands. H walks in and I say I am getting out of the house for a bit w/son. I don't invite him. But, I admit I am annoyed by his whole off without saying anything routine. I recognize I am distancing. Ahh--need to change this about myself!!! So I peek my head in the door and say we are going out and ask does he want to come. He says he is tired and will stay home.
1 1/2 hours later we return and no h to be found. He returns 3 hours later; so much for being tired! I can't stand the lying. I want to ask him: why the lying? But, what's the point? I wouldn't believe him anyway. LOL!
I had been on duty all day and not only am I annoyed by the lying but it just reminds me of replay days: the way he would just take off and return as he pleased. It is a huge trigger. Also, when the kids were younger I was the default caretaker while his life went on and that too is an old trigger for me. It was so lopsided. Working on processing all that emotion.
S10 has made plans with friends and S12 is still out with his friends. I decide I am definitely going out otherwise I know I will erupt verbally or just lose my mind and start clucking like a chicken. So I ask h to drop S10 off at his friend's and say I am going out.
I go see Joy-great movie! 45 minutes after I leave h texts me, of course, because I am out by myself in the evening sans children. He tells me the time he is picking up S10 and that he is walking the dog. (Of course he only updates me on his whereabouts when I am out by myself without explanation.) Then he asks what time he should pick up S12. I thank him for letting me know what time he is picking up S10. I tell him I do not know what time to pick up S12 and tell him to feel free to contact him directly.
Seriously? You can't text him yourself straight off? Doesn't he know there are labor laws to protect said au pair?!?
After the movie I go for a long walk. I try to work off all my frustration over my dysfunctional life. The movie, which is based on a true story, makes me feel better as the main character, who invented the Miracle Mop, has a life rife with dysfunction. We look like a scene from Leave it to Beaver in comparison. She has her ex h AND father living in her basement together. And of course, the father and ex don't get along. Her mother lives in the house too and is divorced from her father. So, things could be worse. I could have extended family living in the dorm room with h.
I come home and after 10 hours to himself, h is in the living room watching tv. I make myself some tea and sit at the kitchen table to catch up with S10. H says one line to me about one of the basketball players. I comment.
About a half hour later I go upstairs as I start to feel unwell. S10 comes up with me. Then S12 joins me. Both kids offer to help me--so cute! One brings me some water, the other makes me tea. Good boys! H sees them coming up and down and jokes they are like servants. They say I am not feeling well. We all watch tv together and it sounds like h stayed in the living room watching a movie by himself.
One funny thing: h had boiled just enough water for his own tea and S12 snatched it when h was out of the room to make me tea. Heard h yell: "what the h€ll" and I laugh remembering how he ate S12's steak!!! Ha ha - payback!!!
This morning when he leaves for the morning he says he will be back in 45 minutes--just going for a walk. Then, 3x he says he will be sitting in x chair in the living room (points to chair) and watching football. Then he says he will take the boys to practice some basketball. Then he will work tonight. Guess he felt like detailing his plan today.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
It does sound like you have a 3rd son, but whom you cannot really control or parent. I don’t know how you do it. My head would be spinning. This is where I’m glad that my H is not living here. I hear stores once in a while, which make me believe he is cycling, especially recently, but I don’t have to witness it.
I don’t think that your H is lying to you. He just doesn’t know what he is doing next. I think his decisions are so erratic that one minute he thinks that he is tired, and next minute he has some ideas that need to be implemented right away.
I love the payback story with the boiled water, hahaha. Your son is a smart cookie.
HaWho, hang in there firm on that roller-coaster.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Well, another personality came out to play for you. The teenager is back again for a short visit (hopefully). It's evident that he doesn't like you doing things on your own. Apparently he thinks he needs to keep an eye on you when you are doing things solo. That's too funny. He doesn't want mom out there doing things that he doesn't know about and heaven help us if you were out w/a friend (he would freak if it were a good male friend). LOL! He's just too funny and it's evident in everything he does right now.
I do hope that you are feeling better and I laughed so hard about the boiling water incident. Your son is quick thinking and you know what...he's going to keep your h on his toes since they are probably around the same age right now.
You are doing very well w/your situation. I can see where it could wear you down, but you've found outlets to release that pent up frustration and it will pay off in the long run.
I wonder what your "oldest" teenager will come up w/next...time will tell.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Last night different personalities came out so fast it seemed like a short circuit. H was cranky over something very small and was irritable in MLC way. S12 and I made light of it because it was no big deal. MLC h makes everything a netless high wire act and old h did not sweat the small stuff. Within a few seconds he went from really angry to joking over the incident.
There were times he also joked so like his old self. Saying certain phrases exactly the way he used to do. And his intonation was the same.
However, after S12 and I returned from some brief errands, I came into my study to see someone had left the history search page up on my personal computer! Someone is snooping on me!!! Probably the dog. (Just a little MLC projection humor there!!)
I do not use that computer at all so what h saw was the Minecraft videos S10 watched and S12's homework (all done through the school website these days). Riveting!
I may be blind by the end of this all but I do everything off my iPhone as I know h is way more computer savvy than I am. Coincidentally, the day we were at the tournament he asked to use my phone as he left his in the car. I quickly deleted my history before I handed it over. But, thanks to Sotto, I always use the private browsing screen so there should not be a recorded history.
He was sitting near me and peripherally I saw him go to the search bar as though he was going to a different website. But I think he may have been seeing what popped up. Tricky, tricky!!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I had to shake my head and chuckle too. He's snooping because he's curious as to what you are doing, with whom you are communicating with, etc. Gosh, he doesn't even realize just how transparent he is. If you are going to snoop, at least cut the computer off so that the other person won't know what you are doing.
As for the phone...yup, he's really trying to find out what you are doing w/your life. Gotta laugh because he's clueless.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
WHy do these MLCers behave this way when we LBSers get a life without them. First the shock that we are no longer on the shelf where they left us, then the snooping ...
As usual, Ha you are handling this with grace and humor. xoxoxo HNY to U xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yup... It's a very one sided crisis the second you move they react, they can't even help it. I remember the night I was all dressed up returning a redbox movie and thought I'd have a nice solo dinner at a little Italian place down the street and received a text "go F her I hope she is worth it" .... I laughed and could not get the "it's Jake from State Farm" commercial out of my head
Just more weird MLC stuff going on here. Some of it is comical and some of it is just odd.
Monday I took down all the Christmas ornaments and hauled out the tree. H walks in after the whole house is put back to pre-Christmas state and he says: where did everything go?!? Silly me, I thought he was complimenting me on how fast it was all cleaned up as I did it all in a few hours and then went to work! Nope. He says: I can't believe you took it all away.
The best part? That morning he was coming into the garage to leave for the day and he held the door open for me as I was bringing in all the containers for the Christmas decorations?!? What did he think I was going to do with all those containers?
Later, he said again: I thought we would enjoy the tree until February. (And he was NOT kidding.). I told him the tree had one needle left. He said I ruined it all by taking it down "so early." He sounded so much like a pre-teen. I told him he could buy a little Charlie Brown Christmas tree and put that on his night stand. He bought himself a poinsettia and that lives (miraculously) in his bathroom. He said maybe he will bring that back into the dorm room. (Maybe that will give him his much needed February Christmas Cheer.) Geez, all that work cleaning up and all I had to do was drag the tree down the haul and prop it up in the dorm room.
One funny thing is his best buddy from college had traveled abroad for work and had sent h an XMAS gift. It's a cute little tchotchke. H has left it in the living room and told me it was probably filthy as it went through so many airports and he didn't want it in the dorm room. Wow, did that take a lot not to laugh. That dorm room is so filthy Ebola could die in there.
And here is the new weird thing happening. The last week or so, h completely mimics how I say goodbye or hello. Remember, how he snapped at me a while back and told me to stop saying "have fun" when he went out? Well, I slipped last week and said it again. I say it to my kids when they go out, too, so it's a force of habit. Well, he parroted back "have fun" in the same way I did. So now, I have experimented saying other things and he mimics those completely?!?
Today, when I left I said "byyyyyyyyyeeee" in this exaggerated drawn out way and he said bye the same way. Is this a child mimicking a parent? Weird.
As for me, I am doing well. There are times I am wondering what I am doing here. So, okay, maybe I am not doing so well?!? I know I should not tell too many people about what is going on under my roof. If I did, I am pretty sure I would come home to some sort of surprise "save HaWho intervention." And pre-MLC I would have done the same thing if someone told me she was going through all this and then defined it as "standing." It does at times sound pretty nutty. We all know it.
In fact, a few weeks back I was talking to a friend who knows nothing of what is going on here. I realize now, her h for sure had a MLC. He started hitting the bar scene, partying, got liposuction and capped it all off with an office affair with, of course, a much younger gal.
They tried MC and he was in complete denial that the affair was wrong (cue creepy fog music). She divorced him and he subsequently dated various women. Last year he married a woman 12 years his junior and they are having a baby. From where I stand I see it so clearly that this is still replay for him. I have seen the guy check out other women and I know he is slapping external band-aids onto himself. I foresee the whole thing will blow up and this 2nd wife will be left in the same situation as my friend was.
My friend has moved on and seems to be dating a very stable, mature man. Of course, by my standards, "mature" these days, means he does not seclude himself in a re-created childhood bedroom. So what do I know?
When I asked her if she thought her first h had a MLC she said probably yes. But she did not mention standing, DB, Heartsblessing or Jim Conway.
Hmm. Quick recap on my banner year: h tells me ILYBINIL, tells me he wants to sleep with other women (gives me the thumbs up on sleeping with other men), wants to get a shag pad but still live here, starts going out with never married men, sends me a sick letter, now we live in separate bedrooms and he hides from life. Oh, and monks who have taken oaths of silence speak more than we talk to each other.
Meanwhile, I am "standing." #%*?!•€
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
OMG! I am so sorry, but I am laughing so hard about the Christmas decorations and wanting to keep them up to February. Christmas is over and we are now looking at decorations for Valentine's Day...the stores are loaded with hearts, etc.
You definitely have a kid living in that dorm room. One day, if he ever wakes up, you'll have to tell him about this stuff and trust me...he won't remember half of it.
A word of caution, be careful when mentioning other sites on here. I don't think you have a problem mentioning names, but do not type the links to the sites. You will be censored. This is one internet forum that doesn't want other sites mentioned that deal w/marital issues.
BTW, have you been blogging? Maybe you need to start a blog on the adventures of your little boy. Some day, it will be worth a mint!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - LOL! Can you imagine leaving a tree up 'til February?!? Plus we live in a desert climate. A tree here deserves euthanasia 1 week after you stand it up in a house. Can you even imagine what people would be saying when they came to pick up their kids who are playing here? And they see a Christmas tree lit up on February 20?!? Some mom would secretly call DSS on me and then, can you imagine the home visit!! OMG . . . now I am dying of laughter.
I would be explaining it all to the social worker: no, I am ok! EVERYTHING is ok! I am "standing!" And my h is doing well! He seems to be done going out with unmarried single men 'til 2am and while I know he still fantasizes about sleeping around, he hasn't mentioned getting a shag pad in months!!! And that letter? Well, that was just projection because he is terrified of aging and death. So, you see he is just a little boy who wants Christmas to last through February!
A blog, hmmm. Never thought of that Job. Hmm. May look into that . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Well, I do know a man that left his tree up until April, just because he liked the way it looked, but it was an artificial one.
Oh, I can imagine that home visit. I can imagine kids going home and telling their parents about the tree. That would certainly be the talk of your neighborhood. The neighbors probably already think he's a bit off, but this would seal the deal.
Your h is like Peter Pan...doesn't want to grow up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hawho, I think we all have to be a bit kookoo to put up with the things we do! Or, we truly love our spouse and family.....or a bit of both? Sometimes I can't believe things I read on here.
And the 30 year old Mleigh would never, in a million years, believe she would not have dumped my H a** by now.
My good friends used to worry about me, but now say they admire me. One thing I bet, we will not regret standing. No matter what the outcome is. Hawho, we can look in the mirror and know we are doing everything we can. And YOU should really be proud of surviving living in the same house as your MLC,er! That is no easy thing.
So, like they all say, we will know in time. I am searching and looking for my time, I have been feeling so done. But we haven't come this far for no reason. We have to finish this out until then, until we know for sure.
And yes, by that time, we may be clucking like chickens....but it will be worth it by golly!!!
The Christmas tree story is funny. What a total fire hazard to keep it until February! My mom has a mini fiber optic tree, that would be perfect for the dorm room!
Hang in there Hawho, we are all in it together!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Thanks Mleigh - you had me laughing. I LOVE how you are looking for holiday solutions for the dorm room. Too funny. But, your advice resonated with me. So thank you for that. It is encouraging.
Job - I had to endure two more mentions about the Christmas tree. (Collective groan, I know.) He told me again that he can't believe I threw it out and how much he missed it?!? Of course the irony is that he spent 99% of his day in the dorm room so not sure why suddenly this tree is so important. Maybe he can see through walls?!? I am definitely framing a picture of that tree and giving it to him for his birthday.
We had quite a stormy day here--even a tornado warning! This is my carpool day for S12. H was home early and from the dorm room calls out: you have carpool today, right? I say yes. Then, he comes into the kitchen and says, I assume you have this under control, but shouldn't you be picking up S12? I say I will. He comes in again, and in a cranky way asks when I will pick up S12. I tell him soon! (I find this hilarious that he randomly is micromanaging this when he barely knows the day of the week.). He says: hasn't school already ended? I tell him "no, it will end in 20 minutes." And there you have it! He is telling me when to pick up S12 when 4 months into the school year he doesn't know what time school ends.
I did tease him about that and I did see him smirk. He left the room before he laughed out loud. I told him I did not know how I would survive if he was not there to try and confuse me. LOL!!
As I was running the carpool, the tornado warning was issued. He texted me to make sure I knew about the warning. I asked him to go pick up S10 at his nearby friend's house. 5 minutes later h texts me that S is not there. S10 was at his friend's mother's house but h tells me they are at the father's house (which is 20 minutes away). But I know this is incorrect because I arranged it all myself. I just ignore his text and hope he will figure it out. A few minutes later he texts that S10 was in fact at the house I said he was. I can't make heads or tails of that one?!?
He did tell me he was enjoying one of the books I gave him for XMAS. First non essential conversation from silent monk H in quite a while.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
If you needed any proof of the fact that your H isn't in his right mind, I think you've got it. But what you're also starting to see is he A) appreciated the decorating you did for Xmas and B) is starting to notice things like the kids needing to be picked up. The fog in his brain hasn't cleared by any stretch of the imagination, but occasional rays of light are penetrating.
I heard about the nasty weather out that way and wanted to see if you and your family are safe.
I agree w/kml, your h does have moments of seeing the light. I think the photo of the Christmas tree would be a wonderful gift! He really did enjoy that tree and all of the decorations. You should take that as a compliment.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi KML, Bright and Job. KML - yes it is interesting to see some glimmers of him noticing things going on around him. There are also more instances of him being able to see some humor. But sometimes he still snaps with anger so it is unpredictable. BUT, his ability to see some humor is refreshing and gives me hope. If he makes it through this but has the personality of a funeral director (and that is one of the new "sticks") I won't be able to live like that. Actually, his sense of humor is the very thing that drew me to being friends. From there it grew.
Bright - I am in the San Diego area. And Job - thanks for your concern. While we certainly need the rain here it is a deluge. The thunder storm that has lingered through the last day, is really odd for here, too. It reminds me of summers in Massachusetts--home. In the middle of the night there was this massive crack of thunder. There's never thunder here, never mind a whole day of it.
Anyway, let's see what the daily MLC forecast holds for me!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
They are quick to snap if something rubs them the wrong way and it doesn't have to be anything you said or did...it could have been something or someone else that bugged them. I do hope that his sense of humor continues to shine through and he can finally start seeing that life can be fun no matter where you are.
I've been watching the weather channel and your state got hit quite hard. I don't ever recall your area having tornados or even warnings for them. The weather all over the world is a bit topsy turvy right now. I have daffodils up and iris are up about 6 inches and the trees have been budding out. The cherry blossoms have even bloomed in DC this year which is far too early for them. I always have a break from mowing the grass from mid November to mid March, but my grass right now could use a good mowing. The birds, bunnies and squirrels are doing their spring rituals and it's just too soon for all of that. I hope that the weather will finally settle down for all.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
HaWho, it looks like you are my neighbor! Maybe we should meet somewhere, invite Cali too. All of us are at the different stages, so it should be interesting... Not sure if mine is different from yours though, I cannot tell, since I don’t see H and don’t know what is going on with him. Could be some similar cycling, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hey Ha ... hoping you, Cali, Bright , KML all stay safe (did I forget anyone? if so, apologies)
Ha your TweenerHubby is a trip. I bet you could go to any local store and take advantage of the post-Christmas sales to find him some nice decorations for the dorm room. All the pretty lights, a timer, some nice fiber optic displays. Maybe he could even make some music to go along with one???
My H did the whole mimicking me thing during a fight a few months ago. It was so juvenile, I called him on it then when he wouldn't stop I hung up on him. I read your posts, laugh and also want to cry because I cannot imagine how stressful it must be living with this. Actually I want to cry because I remember how stressful it was living w/my MLCer. You deserve a special medal or something for the front row seat you have to the insanity of MLC.
Hang in there xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
HaWho HaWho OMGOMGOMG I just read the funniest freaking thing and all I could imagine was someone doing this to your husband! From funniest tweets from 2015: My neighbor has an unsecured wireless printer. I just sent this document to it.
"Hello. I am your Printer. I have become self-aware. Feed me ink or I will print out your search history when your wife is home alone."
OMG I'm almost peeing myself at the image of that coming up in H's dorm room ....
had to share.
oh. thanks for the laugh.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Bttrfly - thanks for the kind words. I think every MLC case provides its crosses for us to bear. And while yes, living with a crazy person presents its "challenges," (ha ha) when I can let go, I see holding on is SO much harder. And that frees up head space and gives me perspective, etc. I wish I could be successful at this all the time, but alas, I am a mere mortal.
I see MLC like the Matrix. Remember how confusing that movie is until you see what is up and what is down? Neo is told these sweeping statements that seem to make no sense. It isn't until he wakes up that he really understands what is going on all around him. I felt that same confusion, when in the beginning, I was told "to let go" and "detach" and "leave him to God."
Remember the scene where Neo asks why his eyes hurt? And Morpheus tells him it's because he's never used them? That's like me before I really began "to see" what this all is. I was just blind and bumping into walls trying to figure out what "this" all was.
We've even been offered the red pill or the blue pill. We can save ourselves or be sucked down the drain with a crazy person. Then, there is the scene where Morpheus says to Neo that he is trying to free Neo's mind but he can only show him the door. Neo has to walk through. That's why we are here: we're being shown the door.
And the scene with Neo and the spoon bending boy? Spoon bending boy: Do not try to bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth. Neo: What truth? Spoon bending boy: There is no spoon. Neo: There is no spoon? Spoon bending boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.
There is no spoon = there is no fixing this. We can only save ourselves. (I personally spent A WHOLE LOT of time, early on, not only trying to bend the spoon, but to reason with it, spit shine it and buff out any scratches.) LOL!
When I do a great job at detaching from my h's craziness I even picture myself contorting to miss all those bullets from the agents. Maybe I should start dressing like Trinity when I am home. LOL!
The vets are Morpheus. Job I think is part Morpheus and the Oracle.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yesterday afternoon h texted me to say that if we did not have plans that normally include him, he would be going to see a movie. But then it gets MLC weird. He tells me the theater he is going to and the time he is seeing the movie. He mentions that this is the only location showing the movie in 70mm. He tells me to let him know if it's a bad time. I write back "enjoy!"
I know I am not supposed to mind read this but it is so odd to me. All that detail, it seems like someone who feels guilty and is trying to square his conscience.
Then it gets weirder. He brings home a really nice pamphlet (almost a brochure) about the movie and he leaves it on this ledge as though he is proving he was there?!? Then 20 minutes later he leaves to walk the dog. I go to put something back in the dorm room and there, is his much coveted cell phone on his nightstand. Maybe I am going crazy but I feel it is a plant either to test if I snoop on him or prove he is not having an affair. I don't touch it. Plus I am SURE it is booby trapped (remember he takes pictures of drawers in his room!) Probably when he comes home he will dust the phone for prints.
When he returns he fixes himself food. He asks if S10 is coming home or sleeping at a friend's. (There's some clarity in that he notices S10 is gone and is asking about logistics.) I say I am picking him up in a few minutes. H asks if he can use x glass dish in the oven. I say yes and he starts to put it in the oven. I tell him you can't broil glass. (Not that I see the oven is on "broil," I just know he broils EVERYTHING. Speed is of the essence.) Hmm, wish he was in the MLC broiler vs. standard oven. He removes the food from the glass and broils it on tinfoil.
One hilarious aside: he prides himself on how fast he cooks. He brags that he is saving himself so much time. He broils everything. (Likewise, on the stovetop he cooks EVERYTHING on "high.") So everytime, he pops the food in the broiler and then goes in the dorm room and of course, that deep fog overtakes him and he forgets he even put anything in the broiler. He never sets the timer. I assume setting the timer is not time effective?!? So then, everytime, he runs in yelling that he forgot about his food and he gets mad that he will be eating burnt food.
Another difference last night: he noticed s12 and I are watching Jeopardy. It is the tail end of the show and he comes over and answers two questions. I have not seen that interest and clarity in so long.
When Jeopardy is over he then he starts to tell S12 about the movie he saw. Again, I sort of sense that this is for my benefit "proving" where he went. I don't say anything. I hear very little as I have to leave to go grab S10. When I return he and S12 are at the table talking. It's so normal it is weird. I am on the phone with a friend and go upstairs to finish my conversation.
Later, he is back in the dorm room and the brochure is now on the kitchen island, slanted just so. Looks like he is really trying to show me he went to this movie. I am wondering why he didn't also pin the ticket stub to his shirt.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
yup. i agree. something's up ... i'm reminded of a friend from high school who would go to mass to grab a bulletin every sunday to prove to her parents she was there, but went off and did something else entirely ... not saying that's what he did, but he's sure doing something, isn't he?
keep your sense of humor. skullduggery is afloat.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
"Mom", he wants you to know where he went because he's curious about where you went the other day. Also, he wants you to ask him about the movie and it's killing him that you don't. Leave the brochure right where it is and let's see where he moves it to next.
As for the phone, he was testing you. I guess he was disappointed when he returned and saw it was right where he left it.
As for cooking, he's learning the hard way. He'll eventually get tired of eating burned food.
I think he's having a few moments of clarity, but like all of them, he'll eventually go back into the rabbit hole again.
Keep doing what you are doing...it's bringing him out the dorm room a little at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - As he peeks out at times I am trying to determine how much I am in the same physical space. I am trying some different things. Sometimes I am around and sometimes I am elsewhere. I do not ask him any questions unless they pertain to kids, the house, etc. I am polite and answer his questions. I at times joke with him and I can keep my expectations to zero here. If he laughs, great. If not, oh well. Really, it is for me and something that keeps me from losing myself completely in this crazy quietness.
As for comings and goings, I assume I do not yet start telling him where I am going when I am off by myself? He sometimes offers this (like with the movie) and maybe he expects me to reciprocate. But, my intuition tells me that this will just let him settle further into comfort with this whole arrangement if he knows my whereabouts. I know the back and forth info. is healthy but we're not really partners so it might be perceived as me reading it that way. Thoughts?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I would continue as you have been. I wouldn't tell him anything about my whereabouts unless it has something to do w/your sons and where you are taking them, etc.
You are doing an excellent job and I have to say, your "son" is starting to wonder what you are doing and why you aren't reacting to his antics. Let him sweat!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mleigh - he saw the Hateful Eight. S10 had a game today so in the car, since he had me as a captive audience, h worked the movie into the conversation again. He told me he saw it in the only theater around here where it is in 70mm. (This is now the 3rd time he is telling me this.) Tarantino wanted viewers to have an old time movie experience so the movie offers brochures and an intermission. H did work in how long the movie is. He did it in a way where he seemed to be explaining why he was out so late. (It's 3 hrs. long.)
On the way to the game h asked s10 if there was any movie he and his brother wanted to see. H said this way, he can go see a rated R movie he wants to see while we go to a lower rated movie. Kids don't have a movie they want to see. H says: it's okay, I will wait until there is a movie you want to see and then we will all go together. (What a change from his up and off to the movies by himself.)
Ok Job I will continue as is. Thanks for the advice.
I must say sometimes I have to dash out of the room to keep from laughing. Today I was making lunch for the kids and h is in the room too so I offer him some. His response: "oh, I would love to. But, I am now too old to eat on Saturdays. So, from now on, I won't be eating on Saturdays." (No one says anything. The kids have heard it all and they are completely unphased by the ridiculous.) I want to ask: how old do you need to be before you stop eating on Sundays, too?
OMG, I ducked into the laundry room to laugh it out. I noticed he didn't eat during the day last Saturday but he had not announced his grand plan. The best part is that after fasting last Saturday he ate like a boa constrictor the very next morning. Seems like now he is a teenaged girl?!?!?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I am sorry, but I'm laughing so hard my sides hurt. What's with the fasting on Saturday and the gobbling everything on Sunday? That makes absolutely no sense...but if I were you, I would fix a delicious meal on Saturday and make sure the aroma floats in the air and let's see how fast he sits down to eat or sneaks food.
Gosh that movie has made an impression on him. He really wants a reaction out of you and you're not giving it to him.
I can't help but laugh because he really is off the wall! You most certainly have earned not only your wings but your halo!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I silently follow along with your sitch. I finally have to say: I think your ex has something neurologically wrong with him. The stuff he does and says seriously concerns me at times. The man needs to be evaluated.
Bless your soul for being able to keep such a sense of humor. I don't think your kids could live in such a situation without your stability present.
I hope he gets the help he needs, because, Lord, he needs it.
Hi Ginger - nice to meet you! My h is so off the wall it's hard to believe whatever is going on in there will straighten itself out. After anyone evaluates him, they will probably say: someone has remained married to you?!? Then they will probably offer me a free psych work up for the good of science.
Hi Bttrfly! I have no idea why he kept telling me about this movie. Maybe you are right?
Well, a whopping 3 hours after he declared he was done eating on Saturdays, he went into the kitchen and made himself 1lb. of ground beef and ate it in one sitting. When he left the room I checked the package: that's 4 servings.
A little after that, I decided to bake some cookies to test Job's theory. H came out of the dorm room and saw the batter and cookies on the island. He circled the island like a shark but kept his eyes on the cookies the whole time. He grabbed a bowl and ate about 1 cup of the batter and two cookies. He scurries off to the dorm room. 10 minutes later he refills the bowl and eats another 4 cookies!
I make dinner. He does not eat that. But later I come in and he is re-broiling leftovers. I just couldn't take it; I had to get a glimpse of the thought process. So in an innocently confused way I say: I thought you weren't eating today? His response (in a kind of guilty kid way, not accusatory): I wasn't going to! But you made those cookies and I couldn't help myself. It's your fault. Now, instead, I won't eat tomorrow.
Today I will test that as we are having steak for dinner.
Of course he ate the 1 lb. of beef 2 hours BEFORE I made the cookies but I zipped my lip. He had already broken his fast all on his own. When I made the cookies I just opened up the flood gates.
He did for the first time in over a year show some concern for me. When he came in to make his beef the kids were watching a movie and I took a nap on the couch. The kids would at times shoot baskets into their Nerf hoop. H scolded them and said: can't you see she's sleeping? Let her rest. S10 was squeaking the dog toy and h again said: be quiet! Let her sleep.
And his humor made a cameo appearance. A while after he cooked, he had left the kitchen a mess. So I cleaned up everything but his mess in the hopes that he would see I was not going to be cleaning his mess, too. He had just come in from returning videos and he saw the kitchen cleaned up. With his jacket still on he grabbed the steamer, rinsed it and put it back on the counter. I wasn't in the mood to wait three days for him to clean it.
So I said: you should use soap to clean that. He said (teenager tone): can't I take off my jacket first? (But I know he was going to leave it there.) So he takes off his jacket and then he looks for something to clean it with. I point to the sponge, he winces (doesn't want his hands to touch a sponge) and asks for the bottle brush. He is scrubbing the pot with a bottle brush. The bottle brush looks so much like the toilet brush that I say: you know, this is exactly how you would clean your own toilet. Then I joke: it is the exact same scrubbing motion!
He takes the brush and kind of jousts with it, jabbing it my way. He grumbles this guttural old sound he used to make when he was showing annoyance: ehhhhh. Then he says: I have a cleaning lady for that.
(He means that poor woman he hired to clean after Christmas.) I am betting when he next calls her (if she did in fact survive cleaning his bathroom) that she will say: I am sorry I can't take any more clients on right now.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
He is just all over the place like a teenager. If you didn't see it for yourself, you wouldn't believe it. Been there and done that one too! At least your grown h isn't sitting in the floor playing w/matchbox cars like mine did.
He's got a ways to grow up, but "mom" you are doing a great job!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow Job. I think the youngest age I have seen is maybe 6 or 7. I can't wrap my head around seeing a grown man playing with matchbox cars. That's a little, little boy. We're talking tantrum age. Geez.
I cannot even begin to imagine all that you saw.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yes, I did see quite a bit and I still shake my head over some of the stuff...but he's still out there and I think he's made MLC his permanent home. It's very sad, but if he's happy, that's all that matters.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My FIL is also completely lost. He is 70 perpetually acting 20. My h remembers his father showing up at his college to "visit" and then staying the night and crashing parties.
Funny, now that I think about it, I saw my FIL go back to about 2 - 3 yrs. old. When S12 was 5, he played a board game with my FIL and my son won. My FIL pouted, sulked and was not happy for my son/his own grandson.
Of course now I understand completely what that was ALL about.
Actually, I also remember my FIL once having a temper tantrum with me. I actually got up and left in the middle of his fit. After I left, his mother called me to apologize as she witnessed it all! She was in her 70's and he was in his 50's. He called me later and also apologized. I am convinced his mother made him do so.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
So things have been real quiet here on the MLC front.
Sunday am the boys had games. In between we stopped at a restaurant. H left his cell phone right next to me and left for the restroom. Lol! He came back very quickly, turns out he just went to the soda machine for a water. Wonder if he was hoping for a "gotcha moment?" I really think he wants me to snoop.
After postponing his fast to Sunday, h ate normally on the slated day. In the evening, as I was finishing making dinner he pulled the old: "I am going to go out and get some work done and left." I must say, I am tiring of this routine.
About an hour and a half later he texted asking if he should pick up S10 from his friend's house. I assume that is guilt guiding him as maybe he can even sense that I am growing weary of his: "I am up and leaving routine like I am just a guest in a hotel." Maybe I look like I am running a concierge desk?!?
I ignored the text as I was already headed to pick up S10. He pulled in as I pulled out. He asked why I didn't answer his text. I said I was already on my way out. I didn't hide my fatigue.
Yesterday S12 had a game. H cracked a few jokes to sons and I saw him glance my way to see if I laughed. And at the game, he wanted to tell me something. S10 was with us and I wasn't really paying attention as I was answering an email. H started his sentence and waited 'til I looked over to say it all again. But, of course he was looking at S10 the whole time as he discussed something financial. Ahh, the games a MLCer plays.
In general he has not been nearly as irritable as he was months ago. S10 is a loud talker; he was born with a set of pipes! Early on in MLC h always scolded him to be quieter as noises really irritated him. It was an ugly side of h. Last night he joked about S's loudness just as he would have years ago. He was kind and joking just as he used to be: a refreshing glimpse of old h.
But he has also been in the dorm room a lot. He never makes he bed, the bedding is all crumpled in a heap and there is about an inch of dust everywhere. On Sunday S12 was going to grab something out of the dishwasher thinking it was clean. I told him those were dirty dishes. S12 joked that eating off the dirty dishes is something dad would do. H said that he deplored bad hygiene?!! Wow, talk about a lack of self awareness. I think animals in the wild keep cleaner living areas. I just ignored. NO validation warranted there.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
You are doing wonderfully. The dorm rooms sounds like the bedroom of a young man that is advertised on the TV for Febreze fabric and air refresher!
Eventually the dust bunnies will have the bed up in the air and twirl it all around.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - you made me laugh out loud. Excellent idea! Fabreze should make a whole product line for the live-in MLCer. They can put a picture of the dorm room on the bottle.
Speaking of which, today I took a picture of his room. Someday if he wakes up I will show him the squalor he lived in. I think that room mirrors his mind.
Meanwhile S12 is noticing more and more. The other day, we are alone, and he joked that I was an old lady. I am embracing aging as I see the reverse end of the spectrum (up close and personal) and I find it repulsive. So I said: yes, I am aging and I joke that death comes 'aknockin for all of us. Then I make a knocking sound and say: well, no need for you to get up, we know who that's for!
S12 is really noticing all of h's odditites. Out of the blue he said: remember when dad went out to bars with his friends like he was 20? Then s said that h's room looks like a teenager's and his dad even plays loud music with the door closed. Lastly, he says that h spends a lot of time talking about the "good 'ole days."
Everything S12 says is on point. I listen. He knows this is all part of h's MLC. I think he's at that age where he is going to friend's houses and seeing how other dads are.
Remember that Sesame Street bit where they showed 4 scenes: like a picture of winter, fall, spring and then a photo of a cow? And they would sing: one of these things is not like the others? Well, I think that's what's going on in s12's mind.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Tonight after dinner h initiated a conversation with me. He started about something financial. I validated and then was silent.
Then he mentioned he had been in contact w/three of my family members. One asked him a question and he merely responded. He initiated contact with the other two.
That is the first non essential conversation he has initiated with me since the summer when I set that boundary about the inappropriateness of that letter.
It feels like one grain of sand slipped to the bottom of the hour glass.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
The little peek a boos are nice here and there, sometimes much needed to remind us that they actually used to be a person once
You did well, listen, stfu and make the exchange safe hopefully allowing them a sense of security and no pressure should they feel the urge to share again later
I remember when H was living in the spare room, I was blown away by what a mess the room was. Clothes and papers everywhere, bed a heap of sheets and blankets....nothing I ever saw from H....it blew me away. Where he lives now, the kitchen looks this way but living room is clean. I have not seen his bedroom.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I agree w/Cali. You did very well. The more you listen and validate, the more he'll open up. He needs to know that it's safe to reveal things to you. If he asks for advice, then offer it, but if he doesn't, just listen.
He's peeking out just a wee bit and each grain of sand that drops down in the hour glass is one more closer to him figuring himself out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Another few peek outs today. H reminds me of a prairie dog popping out of the tall grass.
We were alone in the kitchen today. I don't initiate any conversations unless they are about the kids or something financial. H asks if I know the game schedule for the kids. I say I do not. Then he asks if we all want to do something this weekend. I say sure. (Usually he makes plans with kids and doesn't address me even when I am sitting right there...lol!) Then he asks if we want to go away as the kids have Monday off. I say sure. He suggested this over winter break and forgot all about it so I assume he will do the same.
At S12's game h tells me about a movie he watched that he recommends. I ask a few questions about it.
Then we come home and as I am washing up the dishes, h has made himself something and has left the dirty plate and blender on the side. He tells me to let him know when I am finished using the sink so that he can clean up. (I realize now he was probably looking for praise.) He goes to the dorm room. A few minutes later as I have just finished cleaning up he comes out and says: I guess you are done now. I say yes, just finished. He cleans up his stuff. That is a change from leaving his food out for 3 days.
I didn't validate because it kind of feels like I am patronizing him?!? But I think I need to remind myself that I would validate S12 so I should validate h 12's domestic work, too. Probably I should just say: wow, it looks clean in here-thanks!
And, another first in a long time, at bedtime he came upstairs to say goodnight to the boys. I am surprised he remembered how to climb the stairs. He joked with S10 just as he used to at bedtime.
Then the prairie dog ducked back into the borrow that is his dorm room.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
He's feeling safer in doing things around you. He's having a few moments of clarity and I can't believe he cleaned up after himself in the kitchen. That's great! Continue as you have been doing because it's working.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, around 9:30 last night h just showed up in my bedroom. When I saw it was him, I don't think I did such a hot job of acting "as if." It threw me for a loop that he all of a sudden was coming not just upstairs, but to my room.
When I realize it is him I pull the covers up higher. It is so awkward. He asks if we want to go to Yosemite this weekend. I know my eyes flashed in surprise. I have always wanted to see Yosemite and the Grand Canyon but he hates nature trips. (He always worries he'll be eaten by a bear or bitten by a snake, etc.).
So again, bad acting "as if," rather than say "sure," I say, in a very surprised way: "you want to go to Yosemite???" He shrugs. I know he doesn't really want to go. He mentions some cities we could have gone to (which he loves and I do to) but he says he decided on Yosemite. He is telling me he is choosing Yosemite over cities.
I say sure. But I know I am kind of frozen from surprise. This is sad, but I am expecting something MLC weird to happen. Like, for him to say, "great, I'll be bringing 3 college girls with me."
He turns around and sees all these baskets of laundry; it's a mess behind him. He asks: what's all that? I say: the kids need to fold all that. He jokes that my room is a hovel. I laugh as it is super messy with all those clothes.
He leaves and my whole stomach is in knots. 5 minutes later he returns to run dates by me. I say yes but I am kind of worried about the hotel arrangement. Honestly, I am having anxiety about sharing a bed with him. Not that I think anything will happen because it won't. It's just I have never been casual about sharing beds with men. And I have received such a heavy hand of projection directed at my body.
After he leaves I hear him playing his guitar. He is playing Major Tom. There was an interesting documentary on David Bowie that my h recorded. I watched it before he did. In the early years Bowie says he was quite nihilistic in his lyrics. When he quit drugs and realized how lucky he was not to have died from an overdose his music because more positive. Major Tom was one of those turning point songs.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
OMG! He made it all the way upstairs and into your bedroom! That's a huge step for him. If you go to the Grand Canyon, you will love it. Be sure to take photos because no two will be alike. It is one of the most beautiful places to visit...but dress warmly. I was there in late May and they had just gotten a late snow there. Of course, I was packed for late spring weather and had to go searching for warmer clothes. Again, it's a beautiful place.
I also enjoyed Yosemite. It's really a nature adventure and I think you and your children would enjoy the time away. Something different for all of you.
He's probably not thinking about the sleeping arrangements, but then again, he may have already thought about each of you sleeping w/a child. We don't have a clue how their minds work, but I can understand your anxiety.
Your room is a hovel? Wonder what he thinks about his dorm room. LOL!
Well, it's certainly starting out to be an interesting year for your family. I do hope you enjoy your trip.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am liking the peek outs! It's good to hear. Keep doing what you are doing. BTW I don't think there is anything wrong with asking "you want to go to Yosemite!?" like you did. We can't always act as if, we do have emotions and should be able to show them when appropriate. You did great
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hi Ha, I can imagine your shock at the visit! I don't know much here so take this with a grain of salt as I could be waaaay off ... re: the hotel. Try your best not to think about it. Whatever happens with the arrangements, try to let it happen as organically as possible. These people change so much from minute to minute even. Maybe try to think about what you want - what is most comfortable for you. I guess my point is try not to let worry diminish your excitement about the trip.
keep the whackamole mallet handy just in case
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks Job, Mleigh and Bttrfly- I appreciate all the good advice. Mleigh, your point was a good one I had not considered. And Bttrfly, yes things should happen as organically as they can when dealing with a crazy person.
So trip to Yosemite did not work for this weekend. Initially we found last minute air fare deals but they went fast given the long weekend.
A few more (strange) peek outs from h. When he told me the air fare deals didn't work out he said there was still a deal to San Fran. Then he said we could go to Napa/wine country?!? I just listened. First off, wine country with 2 boys does not sound very relaxing. H doesn't really drink wine, also. And of course, the third reason: it's a little odd in that we'll probably be surrounded by couples getting engaged and showing tons of PDA. A little awkward. I am sure he will go to the dorm room and cross that off the destination list.
S10 had two games today and in between we stopped for a bite to eat. As we were walking in h asked if I would share a salad if he ordered one. I said I had already eaten but thanks. Last week we stopped at the same place between games and when h didn't finish his salad I went and grabbed a new fork and finished his salad. I think he took note of me not sharing his fork. Small gesture but big statement. I didn't want to hurt or insult him but it's just a bit too personal for my taste. Today he still put the salad between us and offered me some.
He has been cracking more jokes lately. He is a very funny person. Everytime he makes me laugh I repeat to myself that he is still crazy.
S12 has been teasing h. Today he asked h why he had that pouch around his middle and was he a kangaroo? He told h he could be hiding a person in there. H shushed S12 in this cranky way. H weighs himself every single day.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh and remember how h just said he is too old to eat on Saturdays now? Well, he ate THREE plates of dinner last night, on Saturday!! When he filled his plate the third time S12 said: isn't that your third plate? H said yes: but it was so good. Lol!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sounds like he's having some moments of clarity and he's actually beginning to enjoy eating on Saturdays! LOL! "Mom" keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok so another day of MLC hide-and-peekaboo with h.
Sunday, S12 had a game and afterward we decided to take the kids out for the afternoon. Oh boy, camera happy teenage h was with me for the day. H spent the whole day snapping pictures OF EVERYTHING. It was like it was his first day in America.
At the start of the day he went to snap a picture of the boys. I was sitting next to them and I moved to be out of the picture. I just assumed he wanted one of the boys alone. He asked me to move back and took a picture of the three of us. That is different from this summer when he acted like I had the plague at picture time. A woman next to us offered to take a picture of the four of us so we posed for that, too.
At lunch, I went to wash my hands and when I returned h had ordered us beers just like he used to do on warm days. I said thanks but it made me uncomfortable. He ordered a large salad and shared his with me.
On the walk back to the car we had stopped for a bit. The weather had turned stormy all of a sudden. H and I were alone as kids were off to the side by themselves. H went to take a picture of something behind me. I was all zipped up and cold. He told me not to look so cold and I realized he was taking a picture of me. That made me very uncomfortable. He showed me the picture. I look really confused, which I was. At the end of the day he sent me a copy of all the pictures. They were very nice.
On the drive home the very opinionated teenage h emerged. I went to turn the elevator music on in my head. But, this time, S12 matched wits with h. Again, it was one of those gray issues that teenage h makes black and white. S12 poked holes in h's logic and teenage h was silenced by s12's reasoning, which was flawless.
Today, he was back to hiding in the dorm room. He stepped out for a few hours. Then back to the dorm room. He ate dinner with us as always. Just before dinner he came up real close to me and told me something funny about S10. That too felt odd, to be so close, eye-to-eye. His eyes were so haggard looking but not the shark eyes. No glimmer still.
Honestly, things just feel wrong. When he came in my room last week I realized my own h is an emotional trigger in my own bedroom. How dysfunctional is that?!? Him taking pictures of me, ordering me a beer, sharing a salad, etc. it all just feels off.
I channeled my concern into productivity: worked in the am, went for a walk, hung out with S12 in the late am, then cleaned (a lot), made a nice dinner and cupcakes. I did a good job of tiring myself out but I still can't shake that feeling.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
yeah. I know what you mean. Are you also waiting for the other shoe to drop? The rug to get pulled out from under you?
No matter how well we deal with this, it is a traumatizing experience, imo. It's very hard to see them act normally - for me, I have a protective wall up. I wish I didn't, but I do. On the occasions H tries to kiss me, I only realize after the fact that often I'm turning away, it's that subtle, but my H notices. Not sure what he thinks of it.
Ha, would it help to re-read the part of DR where Michele describes the LBS' feelings when the WAS comes back? In a sense, these little glimpses of intimacy are like mini vacations back home for the MLCer, but we LBS didn't get the memo that a guest was coming. We are taken by surprise, wary, uncomfortable because we aren't ready to be intimate with the MLCer yet. Does that make sense? I could be completely off base, but that's often how I feel about H's mini vacations back to the fold. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yes, I can see these peeks out would be a little unsettling. You know what you are dealing with in terms of the usual MLC behaviour. And I think you deal with it well in difficult circumstances. When dealing as you have been, you don't really relate in an intimate way as such - so I can see that movement in that direction would feel a bit scary. And I mean intimate emotionally, not in any other sense.
I think maybe it is best to respond as kindly and positively as you feel able - but without getting particularly invested in the situation. I don't think that's easy BTW!!
Just my 0.2 anyway...and it's good you are seeing some peek outs! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Bttrfly and Sotto- thanks for the advice. Bttrfly - yes, I should re-read that section of DR. Actually, I should re-read the whole book! Sotto - your point made me realize I have some work to do with these peek outs. I need to work on acting as if and staying detached.
Otherwise I am just doing a lot of processing. I have been looking at a lot of the old M issues. I am starting to see how, when and where I became someone I did not like. My h is a strong personality and I see that I thought I was keeping the peace but really I was losing myself.
Last night, after dinner I just went out for a bit by myself. I never do this as I usually have to help the kids with homework and play drill sergeant. But it was an easy night for them so I took a drive.
As for h, he is re-listening to much of the music he wrote pre BD. Lots of triggers for me in that there music!!! Also, he is snooping on me again. I returned from walking the dog this morning and the history was up on my computer screen again?!? Duh. At least close the page.
Well, I know he is not a covert agent for the CIA; that's for sure!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho I think the one lesson I learned was to stop (well... Attempt to limit would more closely be what I mean here, all a process right?) allowing the MLCrs actions or non-actions to affect me which has proven to be very hard while living with the MLCr, so I've had to remind myself frequently that she is still in crisis regardless if she seems almost normal or not any given day. I talk in visuals, and this is a lot like a duck on a pond, on the surface they can appear normal, underneath their legs and feet are paddling like crazy trying to get to where they are going.... All this time I am simply a rock on the shore that the lighthouse is built upon observing and shining my light. It's a mix between indifference and mirroring with her at this point, when she runs back in the tunnel I let her run, no sense going in after her... When she peeks out and decides to join me I accept her as she is without expectations she will stay long. In short I am Forest and "Jenny" comes and goes as she will, I remain solid. Atleast that's closer to how I've handled the roller coaster as of late and it's bright me back to center
Oh boy do I know what you mean about keeping the peace leading to losing yourself. I love that you took the drive. Keep doing things like that. It is beneficial to you and I like that it adds an air of mystery so that H snoops How about this: this is a glorious once in a lifetime opportunity to find yourself again, right? and to decide who you really are, at your core. I like that you want to re-read the entire book. I bet you will have much deeper insights this time around (can you tell I'm getting ready to do the same?)
Overall I'm impressed as always by your ability to cope with this. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Oh, and some thoughts on equanimity -- in my business, i've developed a course and spent much of the past year on heart-centered work. It's no coincidence this is all happening in tandem. Anyway, there is a lot in the process that deals with equanimity. I've been working with a deeper understanding of it. My current sense of equanimity is that when one finds one's core values and who one really truly is, and remains in integrity with those beliefs, one finds equanimity. I'm now defining it as a state where no matter what others do, say etc, it does not change the essential me. There's been a lot of "aha!" moments for me in that knowledge. Don't know if that makes sense, resonates or helps, but that's all I've got ... xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks Cali and Bttrfly - all good stuff. Thanks to both of you. Yes, Bttrfly that all makes sense.
H has ducked back into the dorm room. Haven't seen too much of him in the last few days.
I have found myself having moments of wanting to reason with him. I think it's because of the peek outs. I find myself leaving the room to keep from asking: do you have moments where you realize you've gone crazy? Can you believe you told me you wanted a daytime shag pad so you could go sleep with other women but then wanted to come home and eat dinner with us? Do you know that you're a grown man hiding in a bedroom?!?
It is amazing how crazy he has gone. Without boring you all with the details, h had to go after someone who broke a contract and owed him a significant amount of money. He has papers from a court saying this woman owes us a significant amount of money. The issue is the woman is an ER doctor and moves around a lot. We just need to find her address to serve her her papers. She is very crafty at not posting a picture of herself at all or leaving a footprint of her address. I think even with the DMV she registers families' addresses as her own. We know where she works, but can't serve her in a hospital legally. I think we can't even serve her on hospital grounds. I have left the whole thing to h and it has been stalled a long time due to his MLC cluelessness.
Lately I have been thinking about the fact that it is time to get the money we are owed. I mean, if El Chapo can be found, how can this ordinary ER doctor not be found?!?
So yesterday I pinged h about it. Talk about a bizarro conversation. I told him I thought it was time to track her down. She is working; I called the hospital and so even if she has no savings we can garnish wages.
His answer: that he is not interested in this whole thing?!? That is "bores him." Also: he feels bad for her?!? Then he asks why I am all of a sudden interested. I say (truth dart): "because that money belongs to my kids and I feel bad for them, not her. A judge ruled it is a clear breach of contract and she owes us money."
I told him to give me all the paperwork and I will see what can be done. From the light research I did, it seems if you have a lawsuit against someone you can even call the police and ask them to help track someone down. She has to have received a traffic ticket or a notice from the DMV to some address. Can't the police go there and ask family where she now lives?
It is so frustrating as this is polar opposite of how husband was. He used to be principled and never one to leave money on the table. He keeps telling me it is so much work. When I told him I will do it, his response: "well, I have to find all the paperwork."
Ugh. I want to slap sense into him.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'm sorry that he's back in the dorm room (again). They do tend to run back down into the rabbit hole after a few hours of clarity. Keep those expectations at zero!
I'm also sorry about the situation with the Dr. Hopefully you'll find someone who can serve this woman and you can get your money. Surely someone has to have a current address for her. A good PI could look her up in the DMV data base and provide you w/a photo. But, it will cost you $$$.
I'm sure all of the paperwork is in that dorm room under everything well that is tossed around. I hope he can locate the papers for you.
Breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
HaWho, if she has purchased property there should be records with some of her information. Try going to the county tax assesors website search her name. I would also try the register of deeds. I find a lot of records just by searching a persons name on deed record databases. I do a lot of records searches and most counties have websites you can search but some you have to go into to search records. Usually the clerks are helpful if I need anything. I hope this helps.
You should be able to find her property transactions/deeds, tax info, mortgages, leins, etc.
Thanks Job and Kyh. I will try the records but she went through a nasty divorce, lost all custody of her child, they sold their house and now she rents. But, it's been a while so who knows? Maybe she has a property now. Job- a private investigator, while very expensive, is a small fraction of the money she owes us.
Found myself just frustrated this weekend. H skipped S12's game and stayed home because S10 didn't want to go. Later in the day I walked in on S12 saying to h what a great game he had (and he really did!). He was saying how well he passed and I chimed in: your passes were so good. Well, h shushed me! He told me this wasn't about me?!? I had just read Mleigh's post and recognized a similar pattern. I waited a few minutes and then contributed again to the conversation. They were conversing in the kitchen. It's not like I barreled through a locked door to talk.
In the car on the ride over I found myself being on the argumentative side with him. We were talking about concussions and the NFL and I dug in my heals disagreeing with h. I realize I felt that way because of him shushing me. Didn't like this about myself. But I do like the fact that I did not allow him to control my contributing to praising my own son! Who shushes someone like that about a positive comment?
At the game h stood by himself and read a book. Guess we are back to that old routine. He was reading books at games back in the spring, I think. At least he is reading again! He used to be an avid reader and then my little teenager was all about his music. Ha ha!!
Oh and here is something odd. Last week, when I baked cupcakes h texted me late at night to say: "it's nice you are baking again. The kids will remember it. Bravo."
I sent back a smiley face. Wonder what the kids will remember about him and these years . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Whoa whoa whoa. The shushing is something my H would do. You have mentioned that your H has passive aggressive behaviors.... I wonder if it comes from that?
I am sorry to hear your H is back in the tunnel a bit. Maybe this time it will be for a shorter visit? You are so patient Hawho, I admire your ability to handle his episodes so well.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Lol....the shushing! I remember an incident when my ex was winding up for his second and last MLC. He and our youngest son (a teen at the time) were working on a guitar song together. They playing something wrong and I attempted to point out the error (something to do with timing).
H leapt on me, what did I know, THEY were the musicians etc etc....akin to shushing only more forceful, filled with that resentment of the WAS.
Funny thing is, after he left, I learned to play the drums and now have played in a band for several years. I have an excellent ear and even though I've never learned to play guitar (I started with piano as a child), I am usually the one to notice when something is off with the guitars. My guitarists know that I am usually right. And I'm pretty sure that I was right all those years ago, H just couldn't admit it.
Oh, and btw? Ex still plays the dozen acoustic guitar songs he learned in college. I've played in clubs with my band, at SXSW with a professional musician friend's band, gone on tour with her and recorded on her new album. Who's the real musician NOW??? SNAP!
OMG! That shushing! My xh, at the beginning of his MLC, he use to shush me when commercials came on the TV. It's funny how this might be another MLC trait. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel so frustrated: over the shushing, his lack of interest in collecting the money from the lawsuit, his hiding in a room, this whole crazy mess and mostly the grossness/shallowness that he has shown in MLC.
When he came into my bedroom I realize something washed over me. Lots of anger over much of what he has said about women in MLC: his wanting to sleep with other women, find women who looked at him "meaningfully" and that filthy piece of trash letter.
In the early days when he was insisting he needed an apartment to "live life," (euphemism for finding validation through sleeping with women), I tried to reason with him. He wanted to see these women all on his own terms. He insisted he would only see them x hours on y days and then live at home as a family man. So gross. But when I asked if he would tell these women about his kids he said no. So I asked how "meaningful" would these relationships be? No answer. Then I asked, what happens when this woman's birthday falls on a day she is not scheduled for? He would only see her on scheduled days he said. I asked what kind of women would agree to this. His answer: women would find him interesting and agree based on this! It was so crazy. And of course, I knew there probably are woman who agree to this (at first) and I knew just what kind of women they would be.
He got really mad but at the time I told him most people who want to be viewed as "interesting" join a book group. Kind of comical comment now that I think about it. But he blew up. He was serious and I was undermining how interesting he was to other women. (Oh dear.)
So I told him, I would take measures to protect my kids' futures. He asked what that meant. I said: these kinds of women were certain kinds of women and they would not be getting my kids' share. He asked if I was going to divorce him and I said yes. He got really mad and said he was "trapped." I explained that I needed to protect my kids' half and he was free to do what he wanted with his half. He was shocked as he knows I am not one to slap down the divorce card willy-nilly. I meant it. I was not trying to trap him; I just couldn't give my kids' money over to some money grubbing woman and my completely bonkers h.
Very, very ugly MLC days those were.
The issue is, before he met me, he had this exact relationship. For quite some time he was in this very shallow relationship with a very uneducated, superficial girl who completely let herself be used (for a long time). I am sure she was very nice but she was almost 30 living like this. He never introduced her to anyone and he said he was honest with her about this arrangement and she agreed to it all. He admitted he was embarrassed for people to meet her and he's always been embarrassed by his mother. Many parallels.
At the time I probed deep as to why he would want this all. He was in the prime of his life why target a woman who was no where near his equal? Yes, he was honest with her but to me, it was wrong to use someone who would let herself be used. Who would want that person? Why didn't he tire of this quickly? Now, of course, I see that woman was a spitting image of his mother except that she cared for him selflessly like his mother should have. There was a deep mommy issue going on there.
When he met me, before we dated he ended it with her but I worry I interrupted some growing up there. It fizzled out where maybe it should have imploded so he learned a lesson about that kind of person and about himself. In MLC, I think he has wanted a return to that kind of relationship--finding a woman who would look at him meaningfully, see him on his own terms, etc. I see he's wanted to re-cycle this issue.
I worry that by telling him I would divorce him (to sew up my kids' future) I again interrupted a valuable life lesson for him. I don't regret setting the boundary but I wonder how he'll grow up without going back and finishing up that relationship with his mother.
I try to remember the little boy in all this to find compassion vs. be sickened by it. I must admit I am grossed out by a lot of it.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Kml, Mleigh and Job - "shush" to all of you! Ha ha. Actually, shushing is bad all around but I must say, being shushed during commercials is the worst! Really? You need to watch this detergent commercial for the 100th time?!?
Once, when my kids were young, some man (probably in MLC) shushed me at the grocery store!!! He was picking out cheeses and I was talking to my kids. He shushed me!! I said "really? You need silence to pick out a cheese?!?" Everyone around me giggled--so stupid!!
Ok-somebody needs to add shushing to the MLC checklist!!
Thanks guys-- I really needed the laugh today. After my long drainer rant...
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh and h informed me he is fasting today!!! Lol. I told him he needs to look up the definition of fasting. I joked that fasting doesn't mean waiting 2 hours to eat again.
He smiled a genuine smile. Then he told me he did well last weekend. I reminded him he did not. I told him it was just a normal day of eating every few hours.
H's definition of fasting is to announce he is fasting and then eat as usual on "fasting day" and then double the next day.
OMG - even he laughed. How dumb.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Now, I see the fact that you were calm and rational enough to ask all those questions of your H about his ridiculous idea as a great act of patience! I would have flipped, maybe even have caused bodily harm! So to me, you are pretty amazing.
You have a real good point about his previous relationship being possibly "interrupted" I am curious to see what the vets say.
I truly do understand your frustration. I am so there!! I am back to asking myself daily....do you know what you want to do yet?
It seems many of us are feeling at this crossroad right now. I think we are inching our way along, but glad to see nobody making any rash decisions. I have a feeling this year may bring some answers to us.
Wishing you a good day
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
HaWho, very interesting to read about your H’s previous relationship and this thing to find a woman who would look at him “meaningful”. I was laughing… Then I remembered what my H said about the relationship he is looking for. He said that he wants a “harmonious” relationship. I think it means no conflict, easy relationship where the woman would be just going along with whatever he wants and whatever life style he has. Plus, she would admire him and accept for who he is and trust him blindly (even if he would flirt with other women occasionally, LOL.) Or, and did I mention there would be no conflict, ever... This kind of R would not require any work on H’s part. I think it sounds similar to what your H has in his mind.
I’m also wondering… if my H would already met a woman like that, or a woman he thought would be like that, he would have progressed in his MLC faster. I also think that all this stuff comes from a strained R with H’s mother. He has a lot to work through. I think his mother was a very loving woman, but she went through a horrible D (H’s dad left her) with a lot of conflict and crazy stuff and it all had a huge effect on H and his siblings. I think he still blames her for a lot of things.
As for shushing, I think I had a little better then you, LOL. H didn’t do it during the commercials, but mostly during the times when we watched sports. Now, he could do all kind of talking during the games, when he felt like that. But… I always spoke at the wrong times, even when replying to his comments.
I agree with mleigh4, you are amazing, dealing with this teenager/child H. I hope you have a good week.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
HaWho, i read through your threads & to me it sounds like the letter was written from the mind of a teenager, it being written is worse because of written proof your H cannot deny. My H said some pretty cruel things to me that i held on to and kept resenting him for, finally i told him how hurtful the thing he said were, listing the things he said back to him. He denied saying them and couldn't remember half the things he said. I would say it does more harm to give the letter more value then its worth, it wasnt return by your H it was written the teenage version of him. Also, I am in my early 30s, im in good shape and take care of myself, my H still finds me repulsive. Don't take the sister comments personally, i think the midlife is causing hormonal changes & problems in the intimacy department which they blame on their spouse for not looking better. Doesnt matter how you god you look the problem is not us it's them. I dress well, put on makeup, take care of myself, receive many compliments... but my H can only see me as a "mother" figure or someone he is not remotely attracted to. Again it's them not us, the teenage brain is making them desire something really unrealistic.
Hi Mleigh, Bright and Maddy- good to hear from you all.
Mleigh- don't be too impressed! That's how I acted after BD #2! I have been blitzed twice don't forget!! At BD #1 I was, well, let's just say not so lady-like!
Maddy - thanks so much for the kind words. I appreciate it.
Bright - love the harmonious relationship comment. What wish lists these MLcers have!!
Post BD, by the time my h was done telling me what he wanted I was ready to write his Match.com profile for him: 50 yr. old man/child terrified of aging seeking woman/multiple women to look at me meaningfully while asking/expecting nothing in return. Interests: talking about me and why you should find me interesting. Pet peeves: women who are aging and throwing out the Christmas tree before February. I will see you 6 hours/week split between Tuesdays, Thursday and Fridays: no exceptions. All other days I will live in a self-made dorm room at home with my wife and two kids where I play depressing guitar songs and adhere to a not-so strict fasting regiment.
I would love to be fielding the incoming calls!!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
OMG! I laughed so hard at what you could have posted on Match! That was so funny...but true to what he wanted.
Keep that sense of humor!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Reminds me of when I found a message from H to a girl, saying he hoped she'd understand he'd just come out of an R and wasn't ready to date yet. He hoped she'd understand. Reality - we'd S 2 months prior. All he'd told me was 'I'm confused' and OW was very much on the go!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yesterday, in the middle of the day, on my lunch break, I took the dog out for a walk. H must have come home early and I receive the following text:
H: tell x (the dog) I said arfff. H: X arfff : )
We have a running joke where my h says the dog isn't so bright and I cover the dog's ears and tell h the dog understands him and his feelings are hurt. Secretly I agree with h but I never admit it. I read somewhere that you can get a sense of a dog's IQ by putting a blanket over him and the quicker he shakes it off, the brighter he is.
The kids and I put it to the test once. My dog didn't seem to notice he'd been covered up by a blanket and when he got up (at his leisure and certainly not because of the blanket) he walked around with the blanket on him the way a cold horse does. YIKES! As for a more practical test, if he is in the front years and I leave the door open a crack the dog never pushes the door open to come in?!? H of course sees this and argues "see, he is not bright!" I secretly agree, but argue that the dog has impeccable manners and waits to be let in! All of this made funnier by the fact that he is a French herding dog!!
Ok- thankful to see some lightness from h, a balf hour later I text back: ok, I will let him know when he comes out of his Latin Society meeting. Now h looks like he is the one who barks and the dog is the bright one. H texts: arff.
This may be a MLC first: reconnecting with the dog through text!!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
This "arf" business is so funny. He's still a kid and feels safe joking about the dog. If he's reconnecting w/the dog, this is a first on how to go about it. LOL! Text him back w/a bow wow and see what happens.
Your dog may be smarter than you think. He could very well like the blanket or is just too lazy to shake it off. As for pushing the door open, it could be that he's afraid of being punished for doing so. Again, you just never know w/dogs.
Keep up the good work...I hear a dog calling somewhere in the universe. LOL!
BTW, it's time to start a new thread. I think I just pushed you to the 100th posting/reply.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
