Crossing Many Waters

[job]

I'm sorry that he's back in the dorm room (again). They do tend to run back down into the rabbit hole after a few hours of clarity. Keep those expectations at zero!

I'm also sorry about the situation with the Dr. Hopefully you'll find someone who can serve this woman and you can get your money. Surely someone has to have a current address for her. A good PI could look her up in the DMV data base and provide you w/a photo. But, it will cost you $$$.

I'm sure all of the paperwork is in that dorm room under everything well that is tossed around. I hope he can locate the papers for you.

Breathe!

[Kyh]

HaWho, if she has purchased property there should be records with some of her information. Try going to the county tax assesors website search her name. I would also try the register of deeds. I find a lot of records just by searching a persons name on deed record databases. I do a lot of records searches and most counties have websites you can search but some you have to go into to search records. Usually the clerks are helpful if I need anything. I hope this helps.

You should be able to find her property transactions/deeds, tax info, mortgages, leins, etc.

[HaWho]

Thanks Job and Kyh. I will try the records but she went through a nasty divorce, lost all custody of her child, they sold their house and now she rents. But, it's been a while so who knows? Maybe she has a property now. Job- a private investigator, while very expensive, is a small fraction of the money she owes us.

Found myself just frustrated this weekend. H skipped S12's game and stayed home because S10 didn't want to go. Later in the day I walked in on S12 saying to h what a great game he had (and he really did!). He was saying how well he passed and I chimed in: your passes were so good. Well, h shushed me! He told me this wasn't about me?!? I had just read Mleigh's post and recognized a similar pattern. I waited a few minutes and then contributed again to the conversation. They were conversing in the kitchen. It's not like I barreled through a locked door to talk.

In the car on the ride over I found myself being on the argumentative side with him. We were talking about concussions and the NFL and I dug in my heals disagreeing with h. I realize I felt that way because of him shushing me. Didn't like this about myself. But I do like the fact that I did not allow him to control my contributing to praising my own son! Who shushes someone like that about a positive comment?

At the game h stood by himself and read a book. Guess we are back to that old routine. He was reading books at games back in the spring, I think. At least he is reading again! He used to be an avid reader and then my little teenager was all about his music. Ha ha!!

Oh and here is something odd. Last week, when I baked cupcakes h texted me late at night to say: "it's nice you are baking again. The kids will remember it. Bravo."

I sent back a smiley face. Wonder what the kids will remember about him and these years . . .

[mleigh4]

Whoa whoa whoa. The shushing is something my H would do. You have mentioned that your H has passive aggressive behaviors.... I wonder if it comes from that?

I am sorry to hear your H is back in the tunnel a bit. Maybe this time it will be for a shorter visit? You are so patient Hawho, I admire your ability to handle his episodes so well.

[kml]

Lol....the shushing!
I remember an incident when my ex was winding up for his second and last MLC. He and our youngest son (a teen at the time) were working on a guitar song together. They playing something wrong and I attempted to point out the error (something to do with timing).

H leapt on me, what did I know, THEY were the musicians etc etc....akin to shushing only more forceful, filled with that resentment of the WAS.

Funny thing is, after he left, I learned to play the drums and now have played in a band for several years. I have an excellent ear and even though I've never learned to play guitar (I started with piano as a child), I am usually the one to notice when something is off with the guitars. My guitarists know that I am usually right. And I'm pretty sure that I was right all those years ago, H just couldn't admit it.

[kml]

Oh, and btw? Ex still plays the dozen acoustic guitar songs he learned in college. I've played in clubs with my band, at SXSW with a professional musician friend's band, gone on tour with her and recorded on her new album. Who's the real musician NOW??? SNAP!

[job]

OMG! That shushing! My xh, at the beginning of his MLC, he use to shush me when commercials came on the TV. It's funny how this might be another MLC trait. LOL!

[HaWho]

I don't feel at all patient Mleigh.

I feel so frustrated: over the shushing, his lack of interest in collecting the money from the lawsuit, his hiding in a room, this whole crazy mess and mostly the grossness/shallowness that he has shown in MLC.

When he came into my bedroom I realize something washed over me. Lots of anger over much of what he has said about women in MLC: his wanting to sleep with other women, find women who looked at him "meaningfully" and that filthy piece of trash letter.

In the early days when he was insisting he needed an apartment to "live life," (euphemism for finding validation through sleeping with women), I tried to reason with him. He wanted to see these women all on his own terms. He insisted he would only see them x hours on y days and then live at home as a family man. So gross. But when I asked if he would tell these women about his kids he said no. So I asked how "meaningful" would these relationships be? No answer. Then I asked, what happens when this woman's birthday falls on a day she is not scheduled for? He would only see her on scheduled days he said. I asked what kind of women would agree to this. His answer: women would find him interesting and agree based on this! It was so crazy. And of course, I knew there probably are woman who agree to this (at first) and I knew just what kind of women they would be.

He got really mad but at the time I told him most people who want to be viewed as "interesting" join a book group. Kind of comical comment now that I think about it. But he blew up. He was serious and I was undermining how interesting he was to other women. (Oh dear.)

So I told him, I would take measures to protect my kids' futures. He asked what that meant. I said: these kinds of women were certain kinds of women and they would not be getting my kids' share. He asked if I was going to divorce him and I said yes. He got really mad and said he was "trapped." I explained that I needed to protect my kids' half and he was free to do what he wanted with his half. He was shocked as he knows I am not one to slap down the divorce card willy-nilly. I meant it. I was not trying to trap him; I just couldn't give my kids' money over to some money grubbing woman and my completely bonkers h.

Very, very ugly MLC days those were.

The issue is, before he met me, he had this exact relationship. For quite some time he was in this very shallow relationship with a very uneducated, superficial girl who completely let herself be used (for a long time). I am sure she was very nice but she was almost 30 living like this. He never introduced her to anyone and he said he was honest with her about this arrangement and she agreed to it all. He admitted he was embarrassed for people to meet her and he's always been embarrassed by his mother. Many parallels.

At the time I probed deep as to why he would want this all. He was in the prime of his life why target a woman who was no where near his equal? Yes, he was honest with her but to me, it was wrong to use someone who would let herself be used. Who would want that person? Why didn't he tire of this quickly? Now, of course, I see that woman was a spitting image of his mother except that she cared for him selflessly like his mother should have. There was a deep mommy issue going on there.

When he met me, before we dated he ended it with her but I worry I interrupted some growing up there. It fizzled out where maybe it should have imploded so he learned a lesson about that kind of person and about himself. In MLC, I think he has wanted a return to that kind of relationship--finding a woman who would look at him meaningfully, see him on his own terms, etc. I see he's wanted to re-cycle this issue.

I worry that by telling him I would divorce him (to sew up my kids' future) I again interrupted a valuable life lesson for him. I don't regret setting the boundary but I wonder how he'll grow up without going back and finishing up that relationship with his mother.

I try to remember the little boy in all this to find compassion vs. be sickened by it. I must admit I am grossed out by a lot of it.

[HaWho]

Kml, Mleigh and Job - "shush" to all of you! Ha ha. Actually, shushing is bad all around but I must say, being shushed during commercials is the worst! Really? You need to watch this detergent commercial for the 100th time?!?

Once, when my kids were young, some man (probably in MLC) shushed me at the grocery store!!! He was picking out cheeses and I was talking to my kids. He shushed me!! I said "really? You need silence to pick out a cheese?!?" Everyone around me giggled--so stupid!!

Ok-somebody needs to add shushing to the MLC checklist!!

Thanks guys-- I really needed the laugh today. After my long drainer rant...

[HaWho]

Oh and h informed me he is fasting today!!! Lol. I told him he needs to look up the definition of fasting. I joked that fasting doesn't mean waiting 2 hours to eat again.

He smiled a genuine smile. Then he told me he did well last weekend. I reminded him he did not. I told him it was just a normal day of eating every few hours.

H's definition of fasting is to announce he is fasting and then eat as usual on "fasting day" and then double the next day.

OMG - even he laughed. How dumb.