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#2634232 12/23/15 03:42 AM
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kyrie Offline OP
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I guess I'm about there. I thought maybe we were in piecing... the affair is over but the narcissism and control and endless recriminations (by him!) just don't ever seem to end. He has NEVER admitted his failings or sins. He has never said he's committed to the marriage - just that he's had to put up with soooo much from me (the person who supports and validates, etc). I just don't know what else to do - and I know it can't go on. He will never change without consequences to his actions.

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Hey Kyrie, I don't really know your story...my only thought would that if you do separate, don't do it the way most WAS's do. BD, affair, etc. Instead separate, get your own place, tell him you're not willing to live like this and tell him why and what you'd need to change, then move forward with your life and let some time pass. If he gets the message and you'd be open to discussion, great. If he does the same crap then you just keep moving.

I don't believe in D, but at least that way I feel the LBS has a chance to step up.

I'd also recommend a DB coach if you don't already have one.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 376
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kyrie Offline OP
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Thanks Zues. How do I get a coach?
I don't really want a D, but at this point, nothing else has made a difference & I just can't take it.
No interest in revenge (BD?). I am the sole provider, so he can leave (but probably won't if I just ask him to). He has no income really of his own.
I just think consequences (perhaps too late though) are the only thing that can get through to him.


Me: 42, H: 38
Married: 12 years (second M for me)
14D, 9D
2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC

At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
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Kyrie,

I'd strongly recommend starting a new thread on Newcomers and posting daily or several times a week at a minimum. This forum gets ZERO traffic. As for coaching, it isn't free, but it is available through this site, the number is at the top of every page on this site.

It wasn't easy but I read most of your story. I really wish you had been posting more consistently. Looks like you came here in the Summer, H was having an EA or possibly a PA, you are still living together, he denied it forever and then rug swept, is still addicted and depressed, and is blaming you for everything. Is that a fair synopsis?

I know this has been the hardest year of your life. I do. And I know that you don't want another. It's really tough, because you can't change another person, but you can't give up on the idea that things can change. Also because you can't accept recurring affairs, but you can't punt over a hard patch where he acted inappropriately during a depressed period. So hard to know.

My one thought is this- if YOU are depressed, fed up, overwhelmed, lonely, in pain...it is NOT a time to make life long decisions. I do know this. That is the same mistake HE made.

The road you should get on shouldn't be taking you towards a marriage or towards a divorce. That isn't what this is about. You need to take a road towards rebuilding your life, as YOU, not as H's wife. In other words, if H died today I doubt you would start dating tomorrow. I would HOPE not! So act as if. What would you do if H died?

Well, you'd grieve. You'd reach out to friends and family for support. You'd start doing other things with your time. Little by little you'd learn to meet your emotional needs elsewhere. And, you'd find some peace and happiness in your life. You'd have fun. You'd appreciate what you have, and use the gifts you've been given in other ways.

THAT is the direction you should head. That's the road you need to be on.

Now's the part where you feel that's impossible with your M in the state it's in. But it really isn't. That's why Cadet starts every post by talking about Detaching, Getting a Life, and Using the Gift of Time.

Why does having a document stating you are married take away your power to live and enjoy your life? EXPECTATIONS. Your happiness is conditional upon him acting in the way you want him to. This is co-dependent thinking. Don't worry about him changing, change yourself, find your own happiness, and that will keep you busy. Plenty of road ahead before you need to turn towards or away from a marriage. Either way your first steps look the same. Heck, you could D tomorrow and you'd still have to walk the same road of grieving and rebuilding your life. So just walk that road first and see where it leads.

Oh, the only difference is you can't do anything a married woman shouldn't. For someone that's used to thinking of happiness as coming from outside of them or being conditional upon being treated this could be hard. But if you need a man's love to be happy that's just proof that you're not really meeting your own needs yet, and you'd still be dependent on your expectations of someone else fulfilling you.

It is harder to be happy in a M because it's too easy to make it about your spouse. Here's a quote I posted about why:

Quote:
I think it's easier to 'make yourself happy' when you're on your own, simply because there is no one else to blame. I compare it to a 4 year old throwing a fit. If mom and dad are there they will scream and scream, trying to get mom or dad to do something (give them something, a hug, a toy, etc) to cheer them up. But put that 4 year old in a time out and they quickly realize they can scream all they want but the only person they are making miserable is themselves, so they decide to chill out and have fun staring at the pattern of paint on the wall.


I hope this helps understand that as long as you're angry, depressed, pouty, or anything in an effort to get H to change and do his job of making you happy...things will be ineffective and you'll be miserable.

If you change, make yourself happy, rebuild your life, and find some joy...all while letting your M go...you will be ready to move forward singly if he can't follow, and you will be ready to be in a healthier R if he follows your lead. But someone has to break this cycle!

Last edited by Zues126; 12/24/15 01:21 AM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 376
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kyrie Offline OP
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Dear Zues, Thank you so much for taking the time to write and do all of that, *especially* at Christmas. This really helps me.
I can't help but think that these things will not change and have not changed in 12 years, even now when he is so deep in his pathology that he's lashing out at the one person who still loves him. I keep thinking he has to lose it all to realize it. but maybe I'm wrong.
And yes, your assessment is spot on with what happened. Your quote about blame is perfectly spot on. I don't think he can get there without that realization. I certainly can't tell him he's acting that way either.


Me: 42, H: 38
Married: 12 years (second M for me)
14D, 9D
2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC

At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 376
K
kyrie Offline OP
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If I "move on" he'll continue to hold onto his blame which he does with everyone else: they're just selfish bitches. See? they left me, so that *proves* they're selfish bitches.


Me: 42, H: 38
Married: 12 years (second M for me)
14D, 9D
2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC

At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?

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