Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[mleigh4]

Merry Christmas all! I hope you were able to spend it in a happy place. Physically and mentally! As we all know that can be a real challenge for us these days.

So, overall I had a nice holiday, with sprinkles of MLC weirdness, as expected having H in the mix.

Christmas Eve I had to work. We were ridiculous crazy busy. We officially closed at noon but were not able to finish up and leave until 3. Son had to hang out in the office but was a really good sport about it. H was also busy at work and was off around the same time.

He came to pick up S around 6. The plan was they were going to grannies, which S was not happy about. I had my plans to visit my friends. I was beyond exhausted but felt it best to get myself out for a little bit instead of staying home by myself. H let me know I was invited to join them, he wanted to make sure I knew that, and assured me he wasn't staying long because he still had wrapping to do. I told him I appreciate the invite but passed.

We went our ways with the plan to meet back up at my house for the night. I had a wonderful time and an amazing meal! At about 10 I got a TM from H. He said they never made it to his mom's, that he had forgotten a present, had to run by his house, that S instantly curled up on the couch, that H joined him, and they ended up staying home and watching a movie. H said because of that, he still had tons of wrapping to do. He said he could drop S off, go back to his place and wrap, then come over, put presents under the tree and sleep until we all got up. I was shocked H didn't go! But felt really happy that he spent the evening doing what he really wanted to do. Good for him!

I was right down the street and ready to head home, so I let H know I could pick up S. Picked him up and we went home. S was crashed out, so I quickly stuffed the stockings for H, S, dog, cat and hamster too! Then went to bed. I didn't sleep much...was really distracted by H coming.

At 4:30 am, I hear H arrive. He rustled around, then went to lay with S. I just stayed in bed, was too tired to move.

S got up about 7:30, so I got up too. S wanted to let H sleep, said presents could wait. H got up about an hour later. It was comfortable, I made him a cup of coffee and we both laughed about getting no sleep, him going on about how long it took him to wrap everything and get over.

We spent the morning opening gifts and playing. Santa got S and I our matching shooters. Yes, H got me a skooter. Job, I hear you laughing! H was ecstatic when I rode it around.

The gifts worked out well, not too much and not too little. H also got me my favorite wines. The only awkward moment was when S passed out the stockings. Mine was empty! H forgot. So when S wasn't looking, H slipped something in there and asked S to check mine again. Lo and behold! There was a pack of gum for me! Whew, didn't know how I was going to explain why Santa didn't fill my stocking!

FIL stopped by briefly to do gifts. H had asked him for a skooter to match ours. We now have 3 matching shooters! H got a little crazy on his and wiped out, scraped up his arm.

H then wanted to run home, clean up and wash dog while I got our feast going. I expected such and was looking forward to the down time myself! H was gone about 2 hours, came back to a house smelling of food, all the Christmas lights on, and a roaring fire! We ate when he got back, it was delicious! We had a little time alone while S was in the bathroom, and sat by the fire chatting about work and stuff. Was nice.

One point, I had gotten a very expensive bottle of wine as a gift and opened it to enjoy. Rombauer for you fellow wine sippers! H wrinkled up his nose and insisted it tasted no different then a cheap bottle. Now, there was a time when H really appreciated and enjoyed good wine, it's totally been gone the last few years. I gotta tell you, this is something I truly miss...enjoying a good glass of wine with good company is a must have for me!!

One other thing. S skooter had some really fancy wrapping done with a banner across it with stickers that said To S From Santa.....my heart skipped a bit because my first thought was that H did not wrap that....so who did?.....

This morning we exchanged texts regarding S going with H today...in the mix I asked who did the fancy wrap job on the skooter. H says him, then added that is a trick question because it was actually Santa....not sure I believe that.....

I enjoyed the day, I think all 3 of us enjoyed being together as a family. I will take it for that and no more. I will step back, let H take it in and see if there are any changes...

A new year starts next week and I am ready! I am beyond tired. H is on his way to pick up S. Once gone, I need to go check on my friends cats, go by grocery store, then will come home and enjoy the rest of my Rombauer by myself!!!

[mleigh4]

Quick note to Hawho. Every time I started focusing the day or the mood around H, I caught myself and refocused around S and I. It helped in a huge way, so thank you for that reminder!

[HaWho]

That is so funny about the wrapping! Just like a kid who waited to the last minute and then forgot all about it!

As for your H no longer caring for wine, I have found my H is the exact opposite even in the foods he will eat! Lately I have seen him eat a few of the foods he used to eat.

So glad you had a nice holiday!! I was thinking of you.

[job]

I am so happy to read that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were a huge success. Sounds like you really didn't have much time to think about the MLC monster.

As for the wine, during MLC, their tastes in food and drinks changes, i.e., just as their personalities did. Eventually, he'll get better and will begin to enjoy the items that he's not in favor of right now.

BTW, be careful on that scooter! I don't want to come here and read that you've fallen and hurt yourself.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday! Sounds like the new year may hold a lot of promise in the way of things calming down and hopefully your h will come to realize what he thinks he's missed is actually right in front of him in his home where his family is living.

Enjoy!

[bttrfly]

^^^^ I agree w/Job ... so happy you had a lovely day and the promise of 2016 is rosy and bright for you M. You have clarity which is so essential when dealing with this.

xoxoxo

[mleigh4]

You all must be seeing something I don't see....I enjoyed the day very much and I know H enjoyed it too, but I don't see him giving up his freedom and single world anytime soon....

Yesterday he came over to pick up S. While here, he bolted down my new canopy because I have been worried about the weather lately. He also helped set up S weather station I got him for Christmas. He was very comfortable and taking his time. I in the meantime had to go feed my friends cat and wanted to go before dark because I had not been to her apartment yet and didn't want to be searching in the dark. I mentioned it a few times, but H was curled up on the couch playing on his phone and S was complaining he was hungry. Finally, I whipped up leftovers for them both and left asking H to please lock up. Lol. Like having 2 kids.

I fed the cats, went grocery shopping and came home. They were gone. I made myself dinner and watched a movie. I had a really nice quiet night and fell asleep early. Slept like a rock!

Question for you guys! On Christmas, H had told me that he had reached up to clean something high on the wall, leaned on his flat top stove, and cracked it! He said there was a crack across to whole stove, but that it still worked. We both have hated the white microwave and stove in my kitchen for a long time. It doesn't match the stainless steel fridge and black dishwasher I have. Soooooo, H asked if he could take mine to replace his, and pay 1/2 to replace mine with a new stove and microwave to match the other appliances. I jumped and said yes. He brought it up again yesterday, asked if I want to go to Lowe's and look at some soon. I again said yes...

Sounds like a good deal, right? The only thing tugging at me is that I want nothing to do with improving one little thing in that stupid dumpy house! Nothing! However, my son stays there, and a cracked stovetop may not be safe? And I make out well in the deal? Interested in what you think....

H also mentioned needing to get a generator because when his power goes out, the well pump does too and he has no water. He did a lot of complaining about the house he CHOOSES to live at. Reminded me of Hawho's H complaining about his dorm room!

So you see, I don't see so much hope of anything changing soon, other than H wanting us to all spend more time together and me struggling with wondering if he is reaching out to reconnect, or cake eating?

[job]

Whoa! Don't jump to a conclusion as to what I was thinking when I posted this: "Sounds like the new year may hold a lot of promise in the way of things calming down and hopefully your h will come to realize what he thinks he's missed is actually right in front of him in his home where his family is living." I never said anything about him returning home any time soon.

Now about your stove, the cook top can be replaced. I know someone who had the same issue and her h replaced the cooktop. Regardless of whether it works or not, I wouldn't trust it for very long. I would call an appliance repairman who works on that brand of stove and get an estimate for repairing it.

If you opt to get a new stove, then I say go w/his offer asap. Right now is a good time to think about purchasing new appliances because they are pushing to get the 2015 inventory off the floor. Lowes has some good sales going on and if you have a Home Depot, check them out too.

Sounds like he's got a real nice place there if he has no water when the electric goes out. He does complain a lot about his place. Guess it's sympathy he wants...I wouldn't think twice about his living conditions, after all he chose to move there!

Accept him for who he is right now. As for whether he is reconnecting or cake eating...I wouldn't worry too much about it...but I would certainly set some boundaries in the future that you are comfortable with. Things can change very quickly when dealing w/a crisis individual, so I wouldn't rule anything out in the future. It may not be today, tomorrow or next week....but he's cooking up nicely and one day, he'll come out of the oven well done and a new and improved mature man.

Take time this week and check out the appliance ads. You could get some really good deals.

[HaWho]

OMG! Your h complaining about his dumpy house immediately reminded me of my H complaining about the stinky dorm room to which HE keeps moving back! The poor guys have no idea they are just re-arranging the chairs on the Titanic.

As for the stove, I vote you go for the deal! A) it benefits you and B) it benefits your son. I agree that stovetop may not be safe. Once it's cracked, who knows how it will react to heat! I know you don't want to help him fix that place up, but he'll probably do it anyway and then you miss out on the deal. Just my two cents.

Interesting that he just hung out and lounged . . .

[mleigh4]

Lol Job. I know you don't mean he is moving home soon....actually I wouldn't even want that right now. I get what you guys mean...I just don't feel so positive about it often while I am living in it....I hope he is finding his way onto the path towards home, but I see it taking a bit longer to even get to that first part.

I love all your positive feedback and also hope there is some promise in the future of my family being happy and United again

From my experience with H, I think he enjoys being with me, and has fun, but feels nothing romantic. I am mind reading, but I think he sees me as the mother of his son and nothing more, and with a lack of romantic feelings, sees no future for us. I know things can change, it's just where I believe and sense his head is at right now.

I was talking with my mom about the stovetop and she brought up possible electric issues that could result from it being cracked. I hate that house, but certainly don't want him getting electrocuted. I will take the deal and enjoy the additional upgrade to my own home

[LouR]

Hi mleigh

Glad to hear Christmas turned out a nice day and everyone enjoyed themselves.

I agree with everyone else, take the offer of new appliances and this is a stove we are talking about for h, not a toy that he would actually get excited about so I would not worry with it making his pad a nicer place to be, its just a practical item he requires. Sounds like he will find something/anything to moan about, he wants your sympathy and attention .....you have to decide whether you give it or not.

[Sotto]

Yes, I say take the stove deal - I wouldn't worry about 'his' house - if it suits you, go for it!!

Xx

[mleigh4]

Thanks Lou and Sotto. I agree, take the deal!

So once again I find myself in this icky place of anger, resentment, confusion and pain. Every time I spend time with H, I end up here! It's even brought on a crying spell, which I have not had for a very long time.

I am feeling like I can not do another year of this. Something has to change this year or I need to make some kind of decision. I am able to enjoy life, have fun and move along....but I can't truly and fully heal and move on from this until I have some kind of closure.

Spending time with H reopens all the wounds. I have to accept, all over again, that our marriage is dead. That he would rather be in a dump than anywhere near me. All the lies and deceit all flood back and I feel it all over again.

I guess right now I should shut down a little. Work through my feelings, let them wash through me, and work myself back to my happy place. I have been able to keep my smile and upbeat mood while dealing with H the last couple of days. I know I would be a fool to blow up where we are at right now. Christmas left us all in a glow.....I am left to deal with the fallout emotions alone.

FIL just texted hoping I had a nice Christmas. I told him I did, but continue to be baffled with H wanting to be where he is instead of home. I added a lol to make it light. Silence. Runs in the family.

Best thing for me to do right now is lay low, keep my mouth shut and vent here until I work my way through my current low. I do know deep down that this too shall pass!

[mleigh4]

Why can't I just enjoy the time we had and let it be just that!? Why does it have to bring everything to the surface for me? I am sure so many of you would enjoy such a day, and here I am whining about it. As painful as it leaves me feeling, I would not have done any different. I know S loved it.

I guess when we clearly enjoy each other as we did, it brings up so much confusion as to why all of this has happened. I made the mistake of reading parts of "surviving your H midlife crisis" I really dislike that book, it focuses only on affairs and depressed me even more! I will read some "power of Now" That always leaves me feeling positive.

Sorry for the whinefest. I know many of you had a very difficult holiday.

[CaliGuy]

Why can't I just enjoy the time we had and let it be just that!? Why does it have to bring everything to the surface for me? I am sure so many of you would enjoy such a day, and here I am whining about it. As painful as it leaves me feeling, I would not have done any different. I know S loved it.

I guess when we clearly enjoy each other as we did, it brings up so much confusion as to why all of this has happened. I made the mistake of reading parts of "surviving your H midlife crisis" I really dislike that book, it focuses only on affairs and depressed me even more! I will read some "power of Now" That always leaves me feeling positive.

Sorry for the whinefest. I know many of you had a very difficult holiday.

Why? ... well the reason is simple ... we deserve more, we really do but there is nothing we can do about it and living in the limbo, well its frustrating. Its like we are teased with that normal life albeit for a moment then its like we are shaken out of a dream and wake up to the reality of what we now find ourselves in.


Nice to read you did well over the Holidays, I think you have done well in just doing your thing ... if H wants to be a part of it seems the road is paved nicely .... but if he does'nt it reads that you will be just dandy regardless and I firmly beieilve thats the optimal way of dealing with the crisis ... as hard as it is you continue to walk this very eligantly
I did laugh at the MLC-childish Skooters ..... crazy how this seems to be part of the script for them, reading all the stories about MLC this trend is common, I do believe part of thier brain is working on that place back in time and they honestly are 14 or whatevver age they need to be to go back and try to fix the broken connections... I got a glimpse this week of that in my wife aswell ... I am firmly convinced she is 15-16 at times.

Hope your Christmas was a good one ... as always I am one of your biggest fans.

[mleigh4]

Yes! Yes Cali that is it. I deserve so much more than this train wreck of a ride that I never purchased a ticket for. I suppose that plays a big part in my emotions.

What frustrates me the most, about myself, is that I am trying to make sense out of a senseless MLC depression. I know better! All the tools I have learned fly right out the window and the emotions take over. I know I am human, but bigger and better than that.

And to clarify, as I journal here, when I talk about H "coming home" I mean emotionally, not physically. I mean his finding his way back home, to the love and comfort of his family.

What worries me, about me, is that I still hold a lot of anger and resentment in me. I still am not sure if I even want H back, or if I could forgive all the damage done. Sometimes I feel I just need to hear he messed up, to say, yes you did. And walk away. Horrible? Yes. But thoughts that go through me, along with just wanting my life and H back. It goes so back and forth in me, Sometimes I think I am as messed up as he is. Sometimes I think I am holding out to force him to finish what he started. Why should I do it and make it easy for him?

I am thinking of going back to IC again. I think I need help working through my deep repressed feelings of anger with H. I would want a different IC then I had last, as he kept pushing me to D H. I can tell a new one, right up front, today I choose to stand for my M and want to focus on me, not him. I think I need some help navigating through my emotions.

Cali, always love when you stop by. I too hope you had a nice Christmas, I thought of your family throughout the day

[job]

I'm sorry you are having some really down times, but I'm not surprised. The holiday went well and you, your h and your son celebrated the holiday as a family unit, but it was a brief togetherness because it you can crashing back to reality when he packed up and went home w/no indication that he was feeling a bit let down about doing so.

I think we all look for something, i.e., expectation, when we are together w/them especially during the season that brings so many together as families. People come together and enjoy the day w/the family and it looks like things are going well and then the MLCer goes home and back into his little world and here we sit...our world of fantasy for the moment begins to crash back down to earth.

No, you wouldn't have done anything different, but now you need to think about setting some boundaries. The more he comes to visit and plays the "Disney" dad at your home and is there for holidays and special events, the more it opens up the wounds that are trying to heal. Yes, you've paved the way for his return, but in the process, I think it sets you up for a bit of emotional hurt each and every time he's there for special events, etc. I know you want to do the right thing for all of you, but you need to start thinking about you and what you are comfortable w/before, during and after such encounters.

The new year is around the corner, it's time to start thinking about boundaries and what you need to do in order to move forward and heal. It's time to think about YOU for a change. You've got your son covered and your adult son...well, I say leave him twirling in the wind. After all, he went home after having a great time w/his family...he's not going to feel the way you do...why should he? He's got the best of both worlds right now. It's time to rock that world of his just a wee bit. Limit the time he spends in your home. Limit the "all in the family" events that include him. He'll never miss what he had if it's being served on a silver platter to him all of the time.

Your h got his fill of kibbles for being a great and attentive father to his son on Christmas. When he tells people about Christmas, it makes him look like a great dad and people will pat him on the back, etc. His empathy chip is broken and right now, he really doesn't care how you felt about the visit or how you would feel later once he left. It's all about him and what he needs to fill up that empty hole in his soul.

Mleigh, it's time to think about what YOU want and can achieve to make your life a more peaceful one in 2016. If it means limiting the amount of time you are around you h, then do it. If it means less texting or conversations, then do it...but you need to heal and your wounds are being scraped each and every time you have "all in the family" time w/him. It's time for him to learn what it means to be separated and living in his little "dump" of a house.

Again, I'm so sorry you are having a tough time right now. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and shake those sad and frustrated feelings off your back because tomorrow is another day.

[mleigh4]

Aww Job, your post has me sobbing again and wishing you were here to hug. I really don't know what I want or what I should do. I don't know what to do!

I too see H telling his co-workers about his wonderful Christmas being this great giving guy. He even has his family fooled into believing it! If there is a phantom OW, she must think he is a saint!

And who would have been the bad person if I didn't let it go down as it did? Me.

Ugh, yes, I need to shake this off and pull myself together. I am giving a mess of a person way too much control of my world right now.

I have today and tomorrow off work and I need to be enjoying this time with my son.

Ok, tears stopped and ready to get a grip.

Job, I will read and re-read your post until it sinks in.

[job]

I'm sorry if I've made you sob again, but I do make every attempt to be as honest and open w/the posters. I hate to sugar coat situations and then have it back fire on the poster at a later time.

So, mleigh, my advice for now is this: cry, get it out of your system and then get off that pity pot and do something special w/your son.

For now, sit quietly and the answers will come in their own special way. They always do. They might now be what you want to receive, but they will come and then it's up to you to determine how to deal w/them.

Sending you cyber hugs. I know it's difficult for you because you are walking a very fine line and want things to be okay for your son...but you do have to think about what YOU want right now to take care of YOU.

[bttrfly]

M, first off, seriously big bear hugs...

Second, as I was reading your post I was reminded of something Michele wrote in DR. I think it's in the MLC chapter. She says something about how when the MLCer comes back the LBS is often full of anger and resentment that they've had to stuff for the relationship to get to a place of reconciling. So, you are feeling it a bit early, but it makes total sense to me. I feel that split constantly, between longing for H and wanting to just let fly with the pent up frustration, anger and resentment. Writing it out helps me. Didn't you tell me yoga? I think the main thing is this: what you are feeling is absolutely normal for your circumstances. The good news is you are feeling it! You aren't trying to mask it or ignore it like the MLCers do. The bad news? These are some very unpleasant feelings. But feelings aren't facts. Feelings do pass. Punch a pillow, scream into it if you have to. Come here and vent. Know we are here. xoxoxo

[mleigh4]

Job, I would want nothing less than your honest opinion and advice. Pity pot made me laugh so we are getting somewhere!

This is really the first time we have had family time since we did the bbq at his house during the summer. I even cut off Costco! So I think I have done a good job of not letting him enjoy both worlds and I will continue to keep that up as it obviously works best for me.

H and I switched nights so I have S tonight and he has him tomorrow night since he has Wed off with him. I just took a shower and pictured washing the blues away. I am starting a nice fire. Going to cook us up a nice dinner. Then will do some yoga.

Tomorrow we are taking my mom to a Dr appt that she can't drive herself home after. Then I will get S cleaned up before going to his dad's. S still won't take baths or showers there. Lol.

I then have dinner plans with a friend before going back to work on Wed.

I think key here is to keep myself busy and distracted and to do things I enjoy to get myself through this week. I want to be in a better state of mind when I start my new year!

[mleigh4]

Bttrfly, big hugs back and thank you. Maybe I should dust off my DR book soon. Was really weird, when I went to read some of my Power of Now book, I was on the chapter of releasing negative emotions. It was using and releasing negative emotions followed by acts of compassion. Could not have been more appropriate!

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - jumping in to lend support. I wish I were close enough to run over there with a nice bottle of wine for a chat.

As we are told, this time of year is really tough. It is so hard when all goes well and yet they just slink back to their dumpy worlds.

I just want you to know I am sending you hugs and positive thoughts.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Hawho, hugs back!

[mleigh4]

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!

Cheers to closure on some things and new beginnings for others

[Jpeg]

I will drink to that!! It would be great if we could all be together for a new year cheers

[Irish M]

Happy New year Mleigh x

I do that as well in the shower. Not just washing off the blues but the negative energy as well. Sort of meditation in a way.

Also you said it best.. enjoy your time with things you enjoy.. it makes those blues go away even faster and eventually stay away.

continued strength to you.

Irish

[job]

Happy New Year!

May the next year bring you and your family happiness, contentment and fun times.

[HaWho]

Happy New Year Mleigh! I hope you had a nice holiday.

I am wishing you the very best in 2016.

[mleigh4]

I have to say, I had the best New Years Eve I have had in years

I had to work, so I brought S and dog with me for H to pick up as he took the day off work to be with S. H picked them up from my work. He had wanted dog for the day, but the plan was for me to have her back for the night.

I worked all day, we had our most productive month this year! Big cheers to us, we have worked hard this month. At about 3, the phones were turned off, we got some sangria, and had some music on while we finished up. It was really fun! My girlfriend even stopped by to visit. She invited me to a party, but I honestly had no desire to get dolled up and go out. All I had on my mind was a glass of wine, sweats and a movie!

Came home about 5 and did just that. I watched Chef on Netflix. It was a really good movie. I was curious if H would invite me to join him and S, knowing it was my first NYE away from S. About 6:30 he TM that he was working on his mom's car and that he could bring dog home in a little while unless I wanted to pick her up. I replied asking if S wanted her with him, and knowing he would, told him it was fine for her to stay there. H replied thank you, that he knows I like her with me.

I checked on my FB and replied to a friend's post that he was spending a quiet night at home. I told him I was too and having a nice time of it. He is an old friend, and an old girlfriends XH, so a friend but off limits to any more. He sent me a private message on how my wine and movie were and asked how things were with H. I had run into him at Target a couple of months ago and had filled him in. We talked back and forth a bit, but I got across that I am standing for my M. He told me H is a fool, that I am a sweet person who will be swooped up in no time, and told me to let him know if I want to have lunch or a drink sometime. Was nice to hear, not going to lie!

I was asleep by 10 and woken by all the fireworks in town at midnight. I really did have a great night alone, I was pleasantly surprised. No pity pot this time Job!

Woke up and cleaned up all the Christmas decorations. I even dragged my tree to the curb! I TM H about noon and wished him a HNY and best wishes for 2016, and let him know I would be by shortly to pick up S and dog. Having a mellow night with S, I have him this weekend. Feeling in very good spirits

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - so glad you had such a nice NYE!! Sounds like a perfectly relaxing night.


Why did you have wine and not cowboy coffee?!? Ha ha!!

[mleigh4]

Hawho, I have to admit, if anyone can make a mean cup of cowboy coffee, it is H! I like to refer to him as McGyver. He has the will and always finds the way.

I can not stop my mind from thinking. I have been doing a lot of reflecting this past week. Some things with H are flashing back...

For instance, the discussion about replacing the stove. H was very excited about it, said he would do his required research first, as if he really cared about what was coming into the house. It brought up a recurring discussion we have always had about knocking down a wall to open up the kitchen, and he was coming up with different alternate ideas, again, like he cared.

He also reminded me to have a termite inspection done. Many signs of termites going on Said he would pay whatever was needed to make sure the infestation was taken care of. I told him I do not want this house pumped with chemicals, it totally freaks me out. Our pets, food, everything......he said just go on vacation! Lol, easy for him to say.

He also brought all of the presents S got from H family to me. I find it interesting that he continues to treat our house as home base. Why wouldn't he just keep it as his place? There were toys, gift cards, clothes and even a check. He brought it all in a bag and gave it to me?

Overall, I suppose these are good signs that he sees me staying here permanently, and that he still cares about this house. At BD, all he kept talking about was selling the house and it terrified me, so I welcome the change.

I still am feeling good, in good spirits, but my mind just keeps churning over my sitch. One thing that keeps coming over and over are the words, I want out. They keep popping up and I keep hearing them.....I have been thinking of many of the parts of D that scare me. Mainly the financial parts. I am on H medical benefits, my truck insurance is a bundle deal with all his vehicles, and of course my home. Financially there would be some big changes for me. However, H is only paying 1/2 of the mortgage he is on, I am not getting anything additional for child support. I suppose this would all come into play and hopefully work out for me. Mainly, I will fight to stay in this house until S finishes school. H will continue to have his 1/2 of equity until then, he just needs to wait either 10 years to get it, or until I meet someone who can buy him out...

As you can see, my mind has been spinning....going over lots of things....I don't want to live another year in limbo and be in this same place come Christmas. One really weird thing I have noticed...when my mind is heavy on H and sitch, I hear his text tone on my phone throughout the night. Of course he is not really texting me, but I hear it! Maybe it will stop if I change the tone...

The biggest thing that gets me? Being pushed to finish what H started. I know a few of you here took the steps to D, even though you fought to save and stand by your marriage....Did you just get to a point of enough? Do you regret that or did you know your spouse was not strong, mature, or stable enough to do it themselves?

All in all, I am only thinking and processing, no reacting. I have been able to stay upbeat and positive. Some positive things...

I finally upgraded my phone! I just love it and can't stop playing with all the new features. I am trying to talk S into taking my old IPhone so I can talk to him and reach him when he is away. Can you believe he doesn't want it!!?? Ah, the bliss of dealing directly with S instead of having to rely on H or Grammy! I will keep working on it.

Also coming up is our annual Legoland trip during Presidents week. I had asked S if he wanted this, he said yes, so I got a good deal on cyber Monday and booked. A week later, the kid says he doesn't want to go because he hates being away from dog and cat. Well, the booking was a nonrefundable promotion, so we are going. S is not thrilled but too bad. It will be our farewell to Legoland trip. I also was thinking of changing it up, instead of doing 2 days at Legoland, do 1 there and 1 something new, like the safari zoo nearby. We both love animals so much, I think we would enjoy it...

Cali? Any ideas what to do in your hood?

So anyway, trying to keep myself busy and turn my mind off. I could really use a break from it all. Today is our jammie day. HGTV and food network all day! Lol. We love the lazy days, but I do want to start planning some active things for S and I to do as well.

Back to school and work tomorrow. Hope you all are enjoying your weekend

[job]

It's important that you have the termite inspection before those little creatures create some major damage that will require repairs. Talk to several pest control companies before you opt to have it done. If you are already under a yearly contract, then talk to them. My home was treated when it was built 30 years ago and I just recently had it done again and I didn't have any problems w/my food or w/my two cats. It is safer than it was years ago. Now, if they say you need your house tented to do it, then yes, you, your son and pets will need to relocate for a day or so. Don't delay this one job...it has to be done before any additional damage is done and if you ever do sell, it's important that you can show you've had this done periodically, preferably on an annual basis.

I guess your h still considers your house the home base and where your son primarily lives. He doesn't want all of your son's gifts at his house because he knows that son will most likely want them at your house. I can see his point on this move.

The holidays have brought a lot of things back to the forefront for you. You and your son have been living separate lives from your h and you don't want to see this happen for another year. Maybe the man upstairs is trying to send you a reminder that your h is still very much a part of your life and not to make any decisions about what may or may not happen in the next 12 months.

To answer your questions about the MLCers starting the D and not finishing it. My xh started the D and dragged it out for 2 1/2 years. He didn't provide the interrogatory responses as requested by his own lawyer, he didn't do any of the grunt work on the divorce at all. The only things that he ever complained about was his missing mail and a plastic Easter Egg. We could still be sitting here not divorced because he found every excuse to have the lawyers working and responding back and forth to each other until one day I said enough. I advised me lawyer to just sit on it and do not respond to any additional petty BS that he pulled out of his sleeve. Sure enough, when he saw that I wasn't playing the game any longer, he finally "manned up" and filed. Do I regret doing what I did? Absolutely not. I've never regretted any of the moves I made to take care of the assets and ensure that I was financially set and would not be destroyed by his bad judgment. As far as I know, he is still stuck and hasn't matured one iota.

You will know when you've had enough.

Enjoy your day! It's back to the routine tomorrow!

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - as I have said before, I think one of the things that makes things so hard in your sitch is that your h is a fairly nice MLCer. He clearly wants to take care of things at your home and he is at times thoughtful towards people.

It is probably best not to make a decision for the sake of making a decision. I too have moments of wanting resolution--ANY resolution to this all. That is anxiety about the future.

Go see the movie Joy. Man, does that main character get knocked in the teeth--a lot. There is one scene; you can see she's had it. She cuts her hair and she walks out with aviator sunglasses and a leather jacket. Her body language, her demeanor, everything says: ENOUGH!

When we feel like that we'll have our answer. See the movie and you'll see that's what we're waiting on.

[LouR]

Hi mleigh

I really understand and resonate with all that you have said.

I liken my h to a yo-yo, he dips in and out of my life, often getting his string tangled up into a mess and has to stop to untangle it. Its wearing on the mind, body and soul, so I really do understand that you are tired of it. So - look back and see how much has changed in the past year, life never stops, it keeps moving forwards and so will you and your sitch, the trick is to let it naturally finds its way. If you are questioning whether you have had enough - then that tells me you haven't; when the time comes you will just know.

We are taught to detach so that this does not affect us, yet somehow its easier said than done. We know that we no longer "need" our h, we can function and live life perfectly fine without them, yet they continue to have that unexplainable hold over us, so that anytime they show a glimmer of interest we get sucked back in. Its why we are here, its how you know that you are not ready to give up on you h just yet.

The holidays bring to the forefront what you have lost, you are surrounded by happy families and couples, so with all this going on around you its understandable that you are feeling low. As everyone goes back to work and school, I hope your mood will lighten and you will find your internal calm place again. So much can happen, so much will happen, try see this time as just another one of the pesky speed bumps.

Be optimistic my friend that this year will be better than the last one. Hugs to you xx

[BrightFuture]

mleigh4, I understand your frustration. I think that at some point I need to finish what H started, hence file for D. I’m not looking forward to it, and I don’t think I’m quite ready. You’ve got some great advice from Job, HaWho and Lou. Like HaWho mentioned, your H is a nice MLCer, just like my. It makes it harder to make a decision. But, I’m sure there will be a point when enough is enough. You might not be there yet.

As for the ideas what to do in Cali’s hood (so in my, LOL), have you checked the Balboa park museums? I’m sure you find a couple that your son would be interested in checking out. Plus, it is a very nice park, where you can just walk in a Japanese garden, or visit the Botanical garden, or any other gardens. There are also a few playgrounds and miniature railroad. I think your idea of visiting an Animal Park is also great.

Hang in there, mleigh4. (((((hugs)))))

[kml]

Definitely go to the Wild Animal park and don't miss the Lorakeet exhibit, where you can hold cups of nectar and the birds will land on you.

[mleigh4]

Thank you guys. I am not ready to make any decision, just sharing the experience. Many times, at this point, I just don't see it being worth it. Truth is, it seems H never really GOT me. I always felt a bit restrained just being me, and honestly, I suspect he feels the same. MLC has definitely brought out the teenager in him, but he has always shown that trait. Just a bit immature and careless at times...it has always frustrated me...

An example just popped in my head....Christmas day, H pulled out his pocket knife to open some presents. I found it later, fully opened, laying on the living room floor amidst wrapping paper. I, S, dog could have stepped on it....he is just so careless.

Truth is, a strong woman needs a strong man. A man who knows who he is, what he wants, who has values, who lives for family...that is not my H.

Again NOT making a decision right now, just processing. Even if he came through the other side a better person, I am not so sure he would be worth the fight.

As H is processing, thinking, changing....so am I. All I know for sure is that either way I am coming out of this a stronger, confidant, overall nicer person. I am liking the changes, I see the response to me daily as a positive experience, but still see things to work on. I have a pretty nice life going for me right now....I just have this loose tie to deal with. Unfortunately, this is what H is becoming....

I want my son to see his mother in a loving, caring affectionate relationship. H and I both did not have this. I still have time. I don't want him to think this is what marriage is.

Again, no reacting or decisions.....just processing

[mleigh4]

Thank you for the Socal ideas! KML, I saw the lorakeet feeding on the website. It all looks really fun! Bright, I will also look into Balboa park.

[LouR]

Nice post mleigh - process away my friend :o)

[123Gwen]

Yes. Great post and helpful to read another's thoughts while processing. I am sending you all the best for 2016. Sounds like you have a lot to look forward to.

[job]

You are doing well and you will continue to "process" thoughts and ideas as to the future as you walk your path. You are going to discover that you are a far stronger, confident, compassionate and wiser woman than you ever thought you would be. You are going to also discover that you have far more patience than you ever thought you would have.

I'm glad you found the knife before someone got hurt. It could have been you if you had picked up the wrapping paper off the floor. I'm glad you discovered it before anyone got hurt.

The past is gone, live in the present as it is a gift and allow the future to unfold. Don't rush the future because it needs to unfold slowly in order for you to see what it holds for you.

I hope that you and your son have a great first day back at work and school. The furry family members will miss both of you today.

[mleigh4]

we are going to miss our fur babies too! Boy was it hard to get up this morning!

I hear you Job, and all the others. I have taken it slow and will continue to. There is nothing to rush, other than getting on with my life! But, I think I have done a good job of living and laughing among the MLC debris and will keep doing so.

H TM last night about 4 asking to go look at stoves. But S and I had declared an official jammy day! So I told H that along with the fact that I had just started a fire, was about to make dinner, and still had homework to help S teacher correct for school.

We have rain forecast all week and I love it! Have a good week all

[CaliGuy]

M

Yeah I think after we all get over that initial shock from the BD, we focus on DBing our tails off.... In my case I started seeing the results of the changes I made, hit a point where I was really good with where I was and accepted W was in her own path and in a way relieved it no longer included me because it was just hell... One does tire of limbo and the uncertainty and it's easy to cast the blame the MLCrs direction but it's actually us who holds the key to all this... In my case I didn't see anything changing for me divorced or not ... I accepted it and figured when I was ready to move on with my life with someone else I would file when and if that happened.... Was a very liberating feeling when I just accepted I was the captain of my ship, not W nor her fog-crazed crisis

As far as my hood... Lol I was almost raped by those lorikeets ... Careful there. But yeah Balboa is always cool, they have several exhibits and if you do go there take your S to the Air and Space museum, boys dig that stuff. Another thing S and I do once a year is kayaking in LaJolla ... You can get a tour deal and it's a blast for a couple hours. If you do hit the Wild Animal park... That's an entire day and depending on the time of year you can actually camp in the park over in the safari area ... I'm an annual member for the Wild animal park and the zoo.... And there is always SeaWorld. Often times I'll just grab the baseballs and mitts and S and I will hit the beach and play catch , I'll have him build sand castles while I ponder my life and relax.... So yeah TONS to do here

[mleigh4]

Hi Cali. Love the lorakeet story! I know those little guys can be quite aggressive.

So, the way you explained life not changing much whether you D or not, and waiting for a reason to take that step...that is 100% how I got through this last summer and fall. I knew I wasn't looking to date and honestly this situation is in my financial favor..I think..so I figured, why rock the boat? I was totally content with that.

Going into a new year and this last meltdown I had after our "fake family time" Christmas has pushed me further into an emotional disconnect. I am not feeling so content with that thought process lately....

Say a handsome nice man came into my life and asked me out....what would I say? I am separated? For 2 1/2 years? Personally, I would see red flags all over that! Lol. There is something not right about that. If you were truly done, D would not be on the back burner. I also would not want a man who would date a married woman. Say I did and we fell in love, I would not want someone to go through my divorce with me....so for me that thought process is now out. I can't move forward with that baggage, it just doesn't feel right to me.

With that being said, I feel a tugging in me, to put this to rest, but will not do so without doing a serious catch up with H, and being 10,000 % sure.

I am rereading over and over all of your posts the last few days, so thank you again, so much, for your support and your push to keep going. I appreciate your concern for me and my family more than I can say. I feel I am getting closer to a personal crossroad. My eyes and ears are wide open, I am going to keep calm and quiet, hopefully I will get some kind of sign....

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - it is so helpful to read about your processing. Your clarity, patience and evaluation are really admirable. You really are a strong gal.

Regarding SoCal, don't mean to push you even further south, but Aquatica has great water slides if you catch warm weather that week. It's a fun place! If you like smaller amusement parks Belmont Park is a nice one without crazy rollercoasters. It's practically across the street from SeaWorld.

[CaliGuy]

M I totally get it. I laugh a bit... Hey if you can't laugh at this sometimes you will most likely just go nuts... At the 'meeting a person whom is interested' scenario and I've thought about my approach and concluded making up a story about w being A secret spy, getting caught and was brainwashed by Korean operatives is actually more reasonable than the truth of all that has happened. I mean how can you even explain it? What we've been through or put up with. I had a thought this morning as w and I have this distance between us lately ( I think it's back to the seperate sleeping arrangements due to us both being sick) ... Anyways it hit me, if this M fails I know I've do a all I can, and it will fail not because of what w has done, but what she failed to do as it seems she has gone back into the tunnel a bit, not all crazy OM/A ... But seems just havin me there made her feel safe and in a sense stopped her from doing the work, like you I'm growing weary and at a point I deserve better, and I want to move on with my life as its been to long.

I don't think there is anything wrong with these thoughts, we've become stronger and demand more than what we were dealt, especially now ... What's the worst that can happen ya know? We've already lived through the worst of it. I've been guilty of hanging deadlines on this type of stuff, now I am just doing my thing and really thinking about MY life .... With or without w remains to be determined, I'm trying to remain patient and open minded but yeah ... Something is going to have to start moving in my favor... Probably where you are at too.

So we keep pushing, keep growing and developing, if they can catch up we would welcome that but it seems that no longer defines who we are. My thoughts, do not get wrapped up in the new year trap, continue to be the amazing you that you are and things will fall as they will... Out of your control... I know for a fact I'm where I am supposed to be... Lyrics to a song ring in my head " I know you didn't bring me out here to drown"

[Sotto]

Hi MLeigh, my sitch is a bit different as H decided to file and so I haven't had to make that choice. I read a post by Zues in Newcomers recently about dating after marital break up. He mentioned the advice not to date until you have been D'd a year. I find that helpful for my sitch as it looks as though our D may be finalised this spring - 2 years after we S.

I've resolved not to date during 2016....and then 2017 - well, we'll see. That feels about right for me. It would mean I have given 3 years post BD for there to be some sort of significant movement - and also some time post D for healing.

Of course, who knows how my sitch may turn out ultimately - but the above feels about right for me just now. In a way I'm glad my H chose to file as I didn't have to make that choice. But if you sit with things for a while, I'm sure you'll know what feels right when the time is right.

ps: are you learning some cool moves on your scooter?? That's what all the cool kids do

[mleigh4]

Hi Hawho, we went to aquatica on our last pre BD family trip. H was mad because S would not try the water slides, it did not go well S is very cautious and low key. Thank you for the kind words

Cali, I knew you would get it. We can't do limbo forever, right? So yes, I am getting to a point where the realization is, no matter how much I live and have fun, H and limbo land is ultimately holding me back from fully healing as the pain continues to come....if he doesn't make a move soon, I will have to.

Sotto, I agree. Dating would not feel right for me unless I was divorced and emotionally ready. No, I have not ridden the scooter! It is sitting in the backyard unused....go figure.

On a different topic, wondering if this is one of those STFU moments? S has to do a book report this month on a person, he picked President Obama. H is up in arms, says we should encourage him to pick someone else because he feels he is a bad president, worried he will get picked on....lol...I just have to laugh. I think S should pick whoever he wants. So, I did not answer about that in my TM. If H is against it, HE can talk to S.....at least he didn't pick Justin Bieber! Lol

So, should I just joke back about it? Stay silent? Or tell him S can pick whoever he wants!? My parenting is a very touchy thing with H, it could blow up if I express I don't agree with him....but seriously!!??

[HaWho]

Mleigh - First, I am VERY impressed your h is even aware of who is president; that fog can be vicious!

In a non MLC world, I would joke, as it is my nature. I would probably tell h he was free to write a competing book report. Ha ha. However, I have tried humor with my h and it caused him to monster terribly! I have found it is very true, MLCers have no sense of humor. Just MHO.

So personally, I would stay silent just a bit and see if your h calms down about it? Maybe he will forget all about it; my h would!! Or maybe your s will change his mind all on his own? Things can change still. But, the reality is, your h may very well sway your son all on his own!

In a lot of these scenarios, I encourage my kids to do it their way and tell them it is okay to disagree with people. Eventually it will have to be something they work out on their own. Your son may learn this and kind of avoid telling your h those topics on which they do not agree. Both my kids have learned this as h is often the very opinionated 15 year old. These days I would not suggest much to my h as he can be a punk teenager but your h seems kinder.

[mleigh4]

Lol Hawho, good point about H even knowing who our current president is! Ya, I am just going to stay quiet. I asked S what made him pick that....he said they were at library, had to pick a book for report, ran out of time so grabbed that one.

I like this staying quiet thing! It has taken me so long to get this! Initially, I had typed...are you serious? For once, I caught myself and cancelled.

We are talking about a 3rd grade paragraph book report here

[job]

I agree, stay silent on the book report. If it comes up again, tell your h that your son can choose the person that he wishes to write about. After all, it's nothing more than a book report. It's not a life and death article.

[mleigh4]

It has been a very active week in my world!

I think my Fed X guy at work is hitting on me now? We are always super friendly, always joking around. Was showing him my new phone (because we always joked about having old phones) and my bitmoji. (A character you create to look like you with different sayings) He gave me his number and told me to send him a bitmoji. I see him every day at work and didn't want to ignore him to make things weird, so I sent him a "cheers!" Holding a beer. He responded asking how many of those we could drink together before getting tipsy.....oops. did not mean to imply that. Replied back a ha ha. Left it at that!

Saturday was H day with S. He texted asking if I wanted to look at stoves, I said yes! We went to several different stores to compare prices. As usual, a very enjoyable time. At one point, S was walking in the middle of us with his arms looped through ours on each side, it was very sweet. My poor son, he has handled this all so well. We found a great deal at Best Buy, but H was really wanting a microwave with convection style heat. They cost more, so I kept telling him, I don't cook in the microwave, only heat stuff up, that simple is best. But he really wanted this. I was the new me, very patient, let him do his quick online research before deciding, he haggled the guy down on price and he got the microwave he wanted....

So Job, my question for you....H was very concerned about what was coming into the house. He wanted specific features....but he doesn't live here!!! Is this a sign he sees himself eventually coming back? I can't help but think so.

Anyway, had a nice time. Listened to H vent about work. He also very clearly does not care for his landlord, did a lot of complaining about him. I asked him if he made sure it was ok to switch in the new appliances. H said no, he was just doing it. Having been a renter the majority of my life, I know this is a no no. H will learn on his own I guess as renting is new to him.

After we were done, he mentioned being hungry but I had plans to see a movie with friends. He asked what, told him Daddy's Home...he said not Star Wars!!?? He said Star Wars would be much better, could take S. I told him, but S is not going? Was weird, like he was saying I should be going with him and S to see Star Wars, not my plan. I told him Mark Walburg beats out Star Wars any day!

They dropped me off at home, saw movie with friends, had a blast.

This morning, had a fundraiser car show to go to for my friend who lost his house in a fire on Thanksgiving. It was really fun, saw many old friends. I must be giving off a scent because an old girlfriends ex husband was clearly hitting on me, asked me to join him to a bbq. I explained, friends exes are off limits in a very nice way. This is the old friend I had run into and who messaged me on facebook. The friends who I went with today told him aside that I am not available in spite of what is going on with H. Lol. Being a friend of H, my girlfriends husband chases away anyone who comes near me!

H brought S home and asked about the car show as he is a friend of his too. Told him about it. Get this...H asked if I gave money from "US" because he could pay me back. I told him I got outbid on the silent auction so no I did not, but told him he can most likely donate online.

That is the first time he referred to us as "us" since I can remember. Awww they are so good at keeping us confused and hooked in, yes?

So overall, very good interaction with H this weekend. The stove is being delivered next Saturday and H plans on being here to install everything and take the old.

[HaWho]

Hmmm. My h does the same. Every time I cut some cord or distance myself further I get the "we" and "our" and "us" statements. I pretend to ignore them as well. Weirdos.

But his statement giving money "from us" is truly odd. That is like you are a couple.

Ok - so what happened with the book report?

[job]

A new stove? That's wonderful. It sounds like your h is sitting on the fence and can't decide which pond to dip his toe. Some of them use "us" when they are speaking and it's because they forget why they are upset w/us and or it's an old habit that they are use to. Some will want to purchase things for the home or go out and buy things for vehicles, etc., because they forget why and where they are living. Sometimes they purchase things for us because they feel guilty about what they are doing. I think it might have been a slip of the tongue when he had moments of clarity.

For now, it's good to have hope and I do hope that he sees himself coming back eventually. It's difficult to say what is really going on in his mind these days.

But, I'm very happy that you are getting a new stove and had a great week.

[mleigh4]

Hawho, the book report has not come up again. S is still reading the book as part of his homework. The report is due in a couple of weeks. I would guess H dropped it.

Hi Job. This is the deal where H cracked his stovetop at his rental, so he asked to take our ugly one in the house and pay 1/2 to replace with a new one. It's a great deal for me and a long overdue upgrade off the list.

Yes, I would say his toe was dipped in the family pool this weekend. I am curious to see how he is next weekend when he is here putting the stove and microwave in. Will it be family H or single H...I never know! But I have been in need of some movement from him, so my heart and eyes are open with hope. I feel in a way it's a last ditch attempt as I have been leaning towards taking the "done with this" path.

I have to say, I am very flattered with the male attention I have been getting lately. Funny how I have had NOTHING then all of a sudden, as I am having this internal struggle with my standing, I get asked out 3 times within a couple of weeks. Hmmmm, is the man upstairs testing me? It certainly is a reminder that I am not interested or ready to date. In fact, the attention got me a bit flustered, I am way out of practice with this stuff! I need to learn a polite way to say thank you, but no thank you.

Hope you all found some fun and peace this weekend. Have a great week

[BrightFuture]

mleigh4, I can’t wait for the “stove story” to develop. I’m glad you had a great time with friends! And, some attention is nice sometimes, LOL. I get this “us” word too… Very rarely, and mostly related to the business. I don’t even pay attention anymore… I think I’m in the same boat… waiting for some sign to declare “done with this” path…

[job]

You may seem some stirrings towards the family h this weekend. Keep things light and simple. Give him an atta boy when he does a good job.

Also, they can sense when we are pulling back or very close to be done. Their radar is very much on target and they will tend to drag you back into their drama. Continue as you have been because I think you've been doing wonderfully.

[mleigh4]

Wanted to share a new change in me I notice lately...

When I have a bad day, it doesn't get me down. Yesterday morning my dog got sprayed by a skunk! Poor baby, I whipped up a mixture and cleaned her up, was 15 minutes late to work. Work is still crazy busy. Got a phone call from school, S has tummy ache and asked I get him. Picked him up, he made a miraculous recovery, so I took him back to work with me for a few hours. It was a hectic day....but....

I thought to myself...I was dumped and left by H with a 6 year old. I have risen above it wiser, stronger, nicer, friendlier and happier! A bad day is nothing!

I also catch myself with a smile on my face a lot. No reason, just feel happy. I hope this sticks!

Monday night, dropped off S with H. He was a chatty catty. Showed me his nifty laser again, you know, the one that does a laser light show. I played along and ooohed and awwwed. Didn't seem to want to stop chatting, but it was cold outside and I still had to go grocery shopping.

H was helpful with the skunk issue, he and S had a good laugh at my expense. That reminds me to mention that S has been very positive towards H lately. He has been telling me about his visits, things they do, and enjoying it. H had him shoot a bow and arrow, S was pretty excited he hit the target. Yesterday when I picked up S from school, he wanted to eat his lunch and exclaimed, now you can see what daddy packs in my lunch! I am happy to see this. I mentioned it to H in hopes he will keep it up and make him feel good.

Got crickets from H yesterday when I let him know I picked up S early from school. I was annoyed, but again, didn't get to me. He responded tonight. Lol. Just gotta shake your head.

[job]

I'm glad you are seeing progress within yourself. However, I am sorry to hear that the dog got sprayed by a skunk. Poor dog and poor you for having to clean the pup up. Gosh, that smell lingers for days in the area.

I'm glad things are on a positive upswing for your son. Dad has purchased some cool things to keep both of them busy when your son comes over. Maybe this is what they need, i.e., male bonding.

I hope today is a better day for you! Keep that smile going!

[Irish M]

I thought to myself...I was dumped and left by H with a 6 year old. I have risen above it wiser, stronger, nicer, friendlier and happier! A bad day is nothing

Love what you wrote here. Such an inspiration to many I'm sure. I am very happy to see you saying this. I feel the same way as I go through my own journey.

Hugs
Irish

[HaWho]

Mleigh your post made me smile! Sorry to hear about the skunk episode. I have yet to experience that with my own dog which is a blessing. Plus, my dog thinks every animal (including hissing cats) is his BFF so he would probably follow the skunk around asking telling him he smelled great.

Your resilience is definitely inspiring. It is amazing to see how you dusted yourself off and grew from the craziness of this experience.

So glad your son is having fun with his dad. That is always good, all around!

[mleigh4]

Hi all,

A bit of a hairy day yesterday, got my stove delivered!

Friday night I TM H to let him know the 2 hour window that the new stove would be delivered by. H replied ok, to let him know when they called to say they were on the way. I replied that I don't know if they do that, they only gave me the 2 hour window, and I reminded him that the old stove has to be pulled out and ready to go because he said no to purchasing installation....

I got a bit nervous knowing I can not count on H, so I did something new for me. The old me would have just let it go, let it play out worried about what would happen to avoid being pushy or demanding, then get pissed when he let me down. This time, I flat out told H I need you to be here at such time and if he could not make it to let me know so I could have a friend come help me.

I also TM my local friend and had her and her hubbie set for back up plan. I expected H to give me crickets or snap back, but instead he replied he would be here at such time and asked for crepes and coffee to be ready.

Next morning, my friend checked in to see how I was doing, told her H promised to be here but that her and hubby were welcome to come join us for crepes and coffee. They came with mimosas as well!

At 5 minutes to 11, the time H promised to be here, H called to say he needed to hook up his trailer to take the old stove. Seriously, he just thought of that as he was leaving??! I just smiled and said that's fine, friends were here to help in case delivery showed up. H sounded taken back, but said he would hurry. He is 20 minutes away.

Sure enough, delivery shows up. Friend helped get old stove ready, turn off breakers, the things I needed H here for. Delivery guys were nice enough to carry old stove down to garage for H to take. Friends couldn't believe H was lagging the way he was, I just told them. Told you so! H pulled up just as delivery truck was leaving. You won't believe this....H had the nerve to be annoyed that delivery guy waved bye instead of staying to help carry stove into his trailer for him. Unbelievable. I let H know that delivery guy said he would have put stove in trailer if it was here....

So we all ate breakfast together. It was actually fun. Friends were happy to see H as the haven't for about a year. H and friends hubby used to hang out a lot, so they got to catch up. H mentioned he needed coffee badly, had not had any yet. I blurted, how late do you sleep in!? It's after 11! H did not like that, mumbled he had been up just watching tv. Ya sure, it was obvious he just rolled out of bed. After breakfast, friends had to go and H started installing the overhead microwave we got to match new stove.

Let's just say, it was a nightmare. H took about 4 hours. I can't tell you how many mistakes he made and steps he had to redo because he didn't think ahead to the next step. He even had to redo the bracket which left 2 holes in the wall that you can see, and he told me only I can see them because I am short and it's just an easy patch up job. Easy for him to say!

Anyway, I did a great job of STFU. I stayed close to help when he needed it and went about my business when he didn't. He kept asking me if I had certain tools and I kept telling him he would know better than me what is and isn't here. He had to go to neighbor across the street to borrow some tools and stayed over chatting for a bit. The kitchen was a complete mess, with open box cutters left out again. This time I pointed it out!

At 6:30, H was finishing up and S quietly asked me, why is daddy staying so long!? Once done, H played with the functions on the microwave and stove for about 1/2 hour, said he was very jealous. Finally he packed up the trailer and left, with a phone call that he forgot to close my garage.

It was a reminder of days when he lived here and would be like a mini tornado in the house leaving behind a commotion of noise and mess. I was happy to see him go so I could get my home back in order. I almost invited him to stay for dinner....but something told me not to. I appreciate his help, he saved us about $150, but it was exhausting!

[bttrfly]

congrats on the stove. well done on the backup plan! i was reminded of hat a whirlwind it became whenever my h was home. that mlc frenzy/disconnect from the world the rest of us inhabit is exhausting to experience, isn't it? can you imagine what it's like to live in their heads???

fwiw, i think you handled it brilliantly! xoxoxo

[HaWho]

What a funny story! I am sure it was stressful, too. So comical that your h showed up late with bed head and expected the guy to help him carry the stove into his trailer. Gotta love that teenaged entitlement.

You did a great job in your role as project manager! Lol!! Nice work staying patient with all the MLC weirdness.

[Ancaire]

Hi, mleigh! I'm new to the MLC board, been over in Newcomer's about 4 months now. I've finally accepted my situation is not normal...it's the MLC crazy-train. This knowledge did not make me feel any better at all!

I'm reading through all the MLC threads to learn all I can about it. I'm aware since BD was just months ago - I'm in for a long ride. I actually learned quite a bit from reading your thread. Thanks for posting.

My H had said something about being friends, and I flatly declined, which sparked a major tantrum. Reading through yours, I realized I can probably affect a more positive period of interactions, by at least being "friendly" - I just have no desire to be BFF's.

Mine is pushing for a super-quick D...I'm not fighting him anymore. I'll be a lot better off financially if I let him have his way - he's beginning to see he's going to be a lot worse off. LOL

Welcome to the world of consequences, H.

I just wanted to be sure and say "hello" and thanks. I'm sorry you're here, too - but I am really grateful to be able to read about how others are handling this.

[job]

I'm so happy you got your stove and microwave! The first thought that popped into my mind was...did your h read the instructions before he started installation? My xh never did and that created more frustration and a whole lot of mistakes. I can't believe it took him all of that time to hook things up.

I do believe you may have gotten him out of bed when you called him and he was covering it up. However, I'm glad you had a back up plan w/your friends to do the work if he didn't show up. Sometimes I think that they think we should wait until they grace our presence and to heck w/a scheduled appointment and being on time.

At least you had a bit of time to clean up and hopefully begin to use your new appliances.

[mleigh4]

Bttrfly, I too imagine what it must be like living in such mental disarray! Seems horrible.

Hawho, thanks for the pat on the back. Your stories help me to look at things a little lighter and with a comical twist. It makes it easier to deal with!

Aincare, I am sorry you are here. Yes, it can be a very long ride. That is why it is so important to turn your focus on yourself and to take care of yourself. I too have no desire to be BFF with H. It wasn't until I found my happy place, a good 1 1/2 years after BD, that I could be a genuine friend with H. My sitch is a little different, D has not come up in a long time so I keep the peace for that "just in case" he wakes up. I do suspect I would be different if we were in the process of D. In fact, I can guarantee it would not be pretty, H is feeling way to entitled these days. Anyway, I am glad my posts help. I do find keeping a "friendly" interaction with my H works much better. Especially for S. But I stay guarded!

Job, H never reads the directions. He even went as far as taping up the template to install the overhead screws, then ripped it down and threw it across the floor saying it was all wrong. This has been him forever. Anything he fixes or works on takes twice as long because..."they didn't include the correct accessories or screws, the directions are wrong or don't make sense, the product was not made correctly"....I have heard it all. He yells at China a lot!

Thanks again for all your support. Later that night, S and I were chatting about an upcoming wedding we are going to, his BFF mom is marrying her partner. S had a bunch of questions that we talked about, one being can you get married anywhere? I told him, yes pretty much, as long as you have someone who is certified to legally marry you. Then I blurted, the next time I get married, it will be on a beach. S and I quickly looked at each other and he sort of half smiled...I corrected myself by saying, that is if daddy and I can't get close again. I told him, if we do, I would love to renew our vows, but if we don't, I don't want to be alone forever. I told him, I don't believe in divorce and hope that does not happen, I believe in marriage and in the vows you say, for better or for worse, and that is why daddy and I are still married...but sometimes that is not enough. S was quiet a minute thinking, then he looked at me and said with a big smile, you can get remarried when I grow up! I said ok, that sounds fair!

I continue to feel that pull of letting H go for good. Another weird emotion that passes through me lately...I hate that I have H last name. I notice it every time I say it or write it. I don't like having anything to do with his family or name...has anyone experienced that!?

I also think often of Cali's words of figuring out what we WANT vs. what we NEED. There really is a big difference and I have been giving it a lot of thought. It's been helpful in seeing that H does not possess many of the qualities I need, not sure if he ever could. Much food for thought for me.

[mleigh4]

I don't think I have gone too much into detail about my relationship with my mom. It is pretty toxic, has been since I became a teenager. I always knew she was a bit "off" emotionally, it was just her and I. No dad or siblings. She became very emotionally dependant on me, and as I continued to grow up and pull away, it got worse. There was a lot of verbal abuse, telling me I was a bad person, a bad daughter, pretty much no good. It continues to this day.

I have tried hard to maintain some sort of relationship with her. She has always been a pot smoker, at 67 she is retired, overweight, has OCD, no friends, hoards, no male relationship for over 20 years, no hobbies or activities, does not leave the house. She has even started having groceries delivered, says her back hurts too much to drive. Her house is filthy and filled with crap. She stopped taking care of herself and her home about 20 years ago. She is on numerous medications.

It all has taken a toll on my relationship with her and how I feel towards her. Shortly after BD, I started working on the guilt and anger I have towards my mom, in hopes to help my self esteem. I finally accepted that she is certainly not my dream mom, but she has done her best and did a good job taking care of me and raising a good person. I also accepted that in the same way, I can only give back so much, feel so much for her. I too am doing my best. I just can't stand seeing someone let themselves go, and not do anything about it. I have suggested hobbies, exercise, pets....she always has an excuse.

She continues to pester me, asking why I dislike her so much, why am I so mean to her, why dont I ever visit her. To her, it is all my fault she rarely sees my son. I have told her the above, over and over again. I tell her, we are best keeping it simple. She analyzes, pokes and prods, then attacks and spews when she doesn't hear what she wants to hear.

This brings me to today. She started in, sobbing that I hate her and am so mean to her. I calmly try to explain and she starts yelling at me, so I hung up. I am not proud of this, but I took it a step further. I blocked her number, otherwise, she will call over and over. I do not intend to spend my holiday off with her harassment.

A couple of hours later, H texts me asking if everything is ok. He said my mom called him, but he was talking with a client, so before calling her back he wanted to make sure there was no emergency. I told him everything is fine. He knows how my mom is, he has had it out with her himself. So I told him I blocked her number and that he may want to also. I apologized for her calling him. He said he was really glad he did not call her back and assured me that her calling him is not my fault.

I know my mom obviously has emotional issues, I am not proud of how I feel towards her. However, I can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. And I will not allow her toxic behavior into my world any longer. I set that boundary with her when my son was born, when I realized so many unhealthy behaviors with her, things I could never imagine throwing at my child.

DB'ing has helped me greatly during these times. In relation to H, I also have seen the flip side of pushing someone to feel something they don't, pushing someone to have deep talks when they don't want to, how respecting someone's space is crucial to a relationship. I see how much damage can be done by not being able to accept a situation as it is. I see what makes that situation worse and what makes it better. It certainly can change, but really depends on how you handle yourself and how you treat that person. My relationship with my mother has been a huge eye opener with how I relate to H during this crisis.

I am not sure what to do about my mom...but in a way, it has helped me to accept so many of the issues with H that I can not control.

[mleigh4]

I am so tired of being hurt by the people I love the most. Aren't they supposed to be the ones you can count on the most? Or does it go hand in hand? At a young age, I shut out my father due to abandonment, and shut out my mother after being called every name in the book. I feel myself now shutting out H, more and more, and I don't know if I could ever let him back in. It's against my nature, it's become a form of emotional protection.

Sorry for the downer post. I actually feel fine, just getting it out.

Getting ready to take S to H, then need to do some shopping. Maybe I will buy myself a treat

[HaWho]

Oh Mleigh, I am so sorry. That is a rough day. Ugh.

I know you are just venting but you hit the nail on the head. You can't help someone who does not want to help herself. When you have children you need to be ready to meet their needs not vice versa. Really, the very best thing you can do is not to recreate that recipe with your own child. You should be very proud that you have a different relationship with your son.

Hope you bought yourself something special!

Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

[mleigh4]

Thank you Hawho. My whole life revolves around being a different mother to my son. I treasure our relationship, and him, every day.

I bought myself a beautiful lavender scented candle and Daisy's

[HaWho]

Good for you! I buy myself flowers, too! Each time I do, I mentally roll up my middle finger to MLC.

[mleigh4]

Lol! I like that!

Now mom is attacking me on email. I deleted right away but saw the words "foul", "go for the jugular" and "what do I do if there is an emergency?" Again, much of my guilt comes from being the only person around for her. But she did that, not me. Her spew and dysfunction has chased everyone away. She lives in a mobile home park and has had an altercation with every neighbor....

I can only imagine what is on my work email....

[job]

I am so sorry that you are having to deal w/this. Your mother needs professional help. Is she a danger to herself or others?

All you can do is block and delete her messages. I wish that I had an answer for you on how to deal w/her.

[Sotto]

MLeigh, I'm sorry to hear about the contact from your Mum - that's a tough one. It makes me realise I have been lucky to have a steady Mum, who has always been there for me. She has dementia now, so we are there for her, but I still feel lucky for the times we have.

The stuff from your Mum doesn't really sound like something it would be easy to constructively respond to. And as you say - perhaps the delete button is the best way. How she emails you is all about her and not about you.

Ps: I did read along with the fraught DIY session - I have been there! Glad things got sorted in the end xx

[CaliGuy]

The beautiful thing is, spew jackets come in all sizes and colors and can be used in several situations... Seems your H is not the spew type but your moms makes up for him eh?

You touched on how at this point we are able to DB unilaterally... No matter the sitch, or person, it's just plain smart to use the DB tool box in other areas of our lives, it works, it's made us better, you are DBing your mom and it's a healthy way to go about it, will she change .... Time will tell, what's obvious is that you have M ... You've come a long way and you continue to grow, celebrate that, but that treat and enjoy it.

[kml]

I just can't stand seeing someone let themselves go, and not do anything about it. I have suggested hobbies, exercise, pets....she always has an excuse.

Would it help you to understand that she didn't "let herself go", she's mentally ill? Even her obesity may be due to biological factors (her medications may cause obesity, gut flora may be a cause - stool transplants in c. dificile can cause the recipient to become obese if the donor was obese.). Hoarding is a mental illness, not a voluntary behavior. And you mom may be a borderline personality disorder from your description.

Not saying any of this to suggest you need to take her abuse or be in close contact with her. But since you feel she raised you as well as she could, you may want to assist her somewhat from afar. Is there any public entity that deals with elder welfare that could be called in to deal with her hoarding? If it is a health concern they may get involved, as it can be unsafe. Can she qualify for meals on wheels?

[mleigh4]

Thanks everyone.

Hi kml, I am fully aware she has several mental illnesses along with depression, she has all my life. She used to threaten suicide but hasn't in a long time. She has money, she retired from the county and has amazing benefits. She sees a therapist, they put her on medications for her depression and OCD.

I have tried to just deal with it, but I don't have the time, energy or patience for her abuse right now. She is exhausting. She has 2 sisters nearby, one she is getting along with. She needs to be their problem right now. I don't know what else to do....

[kml]

Oh good, if she has sisters, let them handle it for a while. Meanwhile you might read up on borderline personality disorder - that might help you in future dealings with her.

Also - find yourself a "mom" elsewhere. My good friend grew up with a stepmom with borderline personality disorder - mild, but still very problematic. (Her bio mother died when she was young). She made good friends as a young adult with an older woman who became a mentor and more of a mother figure for her.

[mleigh4]

Hi Kml. You seem to have some experience with this stuff and I appreciate any suggestions. My mom just emailed that I am killing her, so now I have her email blocked at work. I plan on calling my aunts tonight, to let them know what is going on because I sense this is going to escalate. Its a big reason I have been politely putting up with this drama for so long....

I will see what my aunts suggest. I will also read up on the disorder you mentioned.

Thanks again.

[Irish M]

Hi Mleigh

So sorry this is happening. You have a lot on your plate.

Was your mom's childhood a good one. I've seen this cycle before where grandmother to mother to Daughter... They all treated their kids in a poor way.

If it's the case , I'm So glad you see it and understand it. I've read how much you love your Son :-)

Hopefully your aunt can take over.

Irish

[mleigh4]

Good morning. Thank you Irish. I have been told my grandmother was cold and verbally abusive, big on guilt trips. She was very loving with me though.

It's time for me to take a break from my mom's circus. It hurts, I feel like I am deserting her. I know she is spinning wildly right now....but I have learned through DBing that people's actions are out of my control. There is nothing wrong with me needing a break and if that is too much for her, again, nothing I can do. I have failed too long at putting myself first, it's time. My son and I deserve peace and calm and I will make that happen.

In spite of the drama, I feel good, happy and positive. Hope you all have a great day

[HaWho]

Mleigh - I just want to re-affirm that you are not deserting her. It sounds like you have tried to reason with her. But if someone isn't willing to listen, you can't force your way of thinking onto that person. You have a lot going on in your life and as a mother myself, one could argue you could use her help through this time.

Depression and marijuana is a bad combination. You can't fix that for her. She needs to do that for herself. Battling depression is hard enough, never mind adding pot to the cauldron.

One last thing: you feel particularly guilty because you are an only child. But in many families, several children have to turn away from their dysfunctional parent. If you had siblings you might all need to protect yourselves and rightly so.

The problem is when parents wreak such havoc in our lives from a young age we don't feel that "bond" with them. But we feel guilty because we feel like we are supposed to feel that and so we think we're somehow failing as children. But, in the end, if those bonds aren't forged with kindness and uncondistional love, they just aren't what they are supposed to be.

Be kind to yourself here.

[Wonka]

MH,

You might want to google daughters of narcissistic mothers. It might help you cope with your mother better.

Ugh. What a tough hoe to roe here. Cannot be fun at all.

[mleigh4]

You guys are such a huge help, thank you so much. Hawho, you hit it on the head. I feel no bond or connection with my mom. I know I wasn't born that way, it comes from years of dysfunction. I am so grateful I have stopped the cycle with my son.

I spoke with one of my aunt's. She said what I describe is exactly how she felt about her own mother. She understands completely. She said she will talk to my other aunt and we will put our heads together. I assured her I am here, just need my space from mom right now.

Mom called my work about a hour ago and gave my co-worker her sob story.

Ok, done with this!! Back to my normal and calm MLC world! I will take my H drama over mom drama any day!

[bttrfly]

Just got caught up on your recents posts.
I'm sorry you had to deal with your mom in the middle of all this. Glad your aunts are on board to help you. It's hard. My mother and I have had a truly contentious relationship until the past five years. I did some very unconventional therapy which helped in ways I never could have imagined. Through that process, my mother also changed a bit, at least in her actions towards me. Basically I was kind, but firm, kept setting limits, etc. All the things you are doing. I think you are handling this with your usual grace and resilience. Great job. I know how hard it is!
About the cutting off piece. Yes, it is a protective measure. I understand it. I've done it. I've watched my H do it with his abusive father. Just because one cuts off - and in certain situations it is the only step left - it doesn't mean the damage stops. My H never dealt with it, and now it's coming out here. I say this simply to offer the suggestion that if you decide to cut off from H, you still work on healing yourself. I have the sense you would do that anyway, but it's so top of mind for me right now ... I wanted to stress that.. Also, sometimes I've cut off thinking I'm protecting myself, only to learn later that I caused myself more damage and hurt, as well as hurt to those around us. I hope I haven't overstepped here. You've gone through so much you don't need more, know what I mean, jelly bean?

xoxoxoxo

[mleigh4]

Hey Bttrfly. You are not overstepping, I would not post if I didn't want opinions. I am only blocking my mom because she will blow up my phone until I answer it. It's a repeat pattern. I stated my boundaries with her several months ago. She pushed and now she is blocked. Once I have my aunt's on board and we have a plan, I will unblock. It's just for a break.

I would never do this with H, we share a son and need that contact.

What kind of therapy did you do with your mom?

[mleigh4]

Hi all. Wow, I can't believe the rain we are getting here in Cali. It has been wonderful, I love it. I have become very protective of my home. I do weekly check ups by walking around outside the house, checking for any broken branches, standing water or weather issues. I fixed a drainage hose and raked some leaves out of a side gutter....look at me go!

I forgot to mention that when I was out with H stove shopping, I had told him to let me know if he sees RainX on an aisle because I wanted some. He used to always put that on my Windows and it made a huge difference. We never did come across any, but one day I was leaving the house and there was a bottle he left propped on my door handle, as a surprise. Not sure when he put it there...but was something old H would do. Was very nice of him.

And speaking of not sure when he put it there, I noticed the other day an empty shelf in a closet. I know something was there, something belonging to H. Finally, I realized it was the bow and arrow set that S had mentioned they played with. I have no idea when he took that, it was recently and I did not see him take it. THAT really creeps me out.

So, I am back on guard to make sure he is not popping in when I am away.

Another busy week and weekend. I am still following my resolution to accept more invitations. Had 2 baby showers this week and plan on meeting up with a friend tonight. Had to drop off S early with H this morning to make my shower....and I thought....every time I drop off S with H, I am on my way to doing something. H doesn't hesitate to ask me either. I love this new social butterfly, I am sure H notices too.

I still have my mom blocked and it has been nice, sad to say. I just feel.....nothing. I have plans to talk with my 2nd aunt tomorrow morning.

Took S to the outlets yesterday to get him shoes and we popped into the jelly belly store. We were picking out flavors, and knowing H loves jelly belly, told S he can pick out a bag to take to daddy's if he like. You should have seen H face light up when S gave him the bag today. He ripped it right open

S and I decided on the safari park for our upcoming vacation. I am so excited! I am thinking of splurging for us to pet the cheetahs! We are such cat lovers. I filled in H on the dates. Out of courtesy, I let him know, as always, he is welcome. Until we are in process of D, it seems like the right thing to do....

Lately, my thoughts about H still lean towards being done. I feel we really had a chance, if we had addressed our issues at the time. But after the last 2 1/2 years....not sure I can feel that way again. Still waiting for those answers!

Hope you all have a nice weekend

[mleigh4]

Forgot to mention a mini episode between H and I this week. S has tummy aches weekly, misses some school every so often because of it. He complains of pain in his abdomen, is usually constipated, and if he does go, says he doesn't feel like it all came out. It struck me the other day to look up IBS. Sure enough, the symptoms match.

H brought S home the other night. While here, I mentioned to H and S my thoughts, said it is something to look into, and I excitedly said, if this is the cause we can focus on solutions to his tummy aches, like simply changing our diet! My excitement came from hoping we can figure this out, because we have tried several different things and I hate seeing my kid laid out in pain.

Anyway, I guess I got too excited because H threw his "stop" hands up at me and said, don't go making a diagnosis, settle down.

As you know H shows no emotion, and when I do, it clearly makes him uncomfortable. When he puts me in check like that, I feel stupid. So I did my old me reaction, I turned away feeling defeated, snapped that I wasn't making a diagnosis, that sticking your head in the sand doesnt bring you answers. I turned and walked away, dropped the subject.

So, shortly after I was kicking myself. I don't like my old me reaction and I don't like when he does that to me. No one does that to me but him! I swear, I am not joking, he is so monotone it's scary. Next time, I will take a deep breath, stand tall, look him in the eye and calmly say I think it's a good idea to look into it.

I know it may sound silly, but over the years, I started feeling like showing emotions was "bad". H is very passive aggressive and would down play many important things I felt. It became a situation where I could not talk about things with him, I would be embarrassed for feeling the way I did. These are issues I finally realized after BDay that I can learn to control in myself but see I still struggle in doing that with H.

I also realize, my emotions are not the problem, his reactions to them are. His problem, not mine. Another reminder of what I NEED in my next relationship. To be myself, to be able to be goofy, excited, sad, scared, worried and mad without being made to feel like an idiot. I lost that part of me with H, I have it back, people and friends love me more than ever and I won't lose that again. He will be the one put in check next time.

[mleigh4]

Where did the edit button go??? Just adding, I used to tell H a lot during our marriage that I felt like I could not be myself with him. That I was able to talk to friends, co-workers but not to him. That I could sing a song, horribly, in front of others, but not him. I can do funny dances and funny faces with others, but not him. My friends know a totally different person than H does, I would tell him.

He could never understand why. I too used to wonder why and I think it was a mix of his being emotionless, unsupportive or helpful, and my insecurity with him. I can't change him, but I can change me. I still catch myself feeling awkward with him. When we were having breakfast the morning of the stove install, I caught myself being really animated and silly and I got real quiet and calm. This is not being true to myself, I need to be me and accepted that way.

I don't feel that with H. It is a real eye opener for me. Not sure if the issue lies with me? I think it's time to make a point of thinking of H as nothing more than another friend, and see if I can get more comfortable in my skin around him. It's worth a try, heck, what have I got to lose!?

[bttrfly]

something called depth hypnosis. it really was to help me unravel from my childhood with her which was less than healthy, shall we say?

I know you blocked her to get a vacation from her and the ocd behaviour. I think you did a great job there. I really like that you have the auntie support system in place. You def. don't need your mom on top of everything else right now.

xoxoxo

[bttrfly]

I like your awareness about these issues. It's the first step, trite as that sounds. I am going to ask you a really hard question, in hopes that it helps you answer the question of whether it's within you, with H or part of your dynamic:
Is this something you've felt before in emotionally intimate relationships. Friendships are a different kind of intimacy. I'm talking those relationships where you let the other person all the way in.

Just think about it and see what comes up for you. I'm so glad you're getting rain in California. You guys really really need it!

xoxoxo

[mleigh4]

Thanks Bttrfly, I will definitely put some thought into that. I tend to be on the insecure side so may be a pattern within me. I have only had two serious boyfriends before H, so I will think about how I was with them.

Had a fun day yesterday. Went on long walk with friend last night, then to dinner with her and her hubby. They were the ones over for the stove install. They mentioned, having not seen H in a year, how much older he looked. Her hubby got a little upset, said H does not look good, shook his head, then said he didn't want to talk about it. I assured him it's ok to be a worried, that I am too, all we can do is be here for him.

Made me think about how sad it is that our MLC'ers have their loving and caring family and friends right in front of them, yet remain stuck in such an unhappy place.

Oh, and friends are also close with "sleep over" friend, who is still in jail. Apparently he wrote them a letter and mentioned in it to tell me he loves me. Now, I know it sounds weird, remember, we have been friends for 25 years and we all always tell each other love you. I think he is feeling bad about how he reacted to me telling him to stop texting things that can be taken in the wrong way. I am sure I will get his apology once he is out in March.

Going for another walk this morning, having a chat with my aunt, then time for S to come home. We are about 30 minutes from the beach, I thought it might be fun to see the crazy surf going on from the storms. We'll see how the day goes.

Happy Sunday to you all!

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - first of all, your poor son with his tummy aches. That is no fun.

As for your "diagnosing" your son, there is no harm in trying to change your son's diet. That is good thinking with chronic stomach aches! Clearly something is off and mothers have good intuition. Mentally shush your h and go on with changing up your son's diet. Ha ha!!!!

Sounds like you have a nice day planned. Enjoy!

[2BHappy]

Mleigh4
Im glad to read and see the space you are in, you are right DO YOU BE YOU!!!
Let H see you, dont hold back your character.
Hope u figure out sons tummy issues. Trying change of diet could help.

[mleigh4]

Hi Hawho. I already planned on changing things up with S to see if it will help. I just thought I could talk to his dad about it...silly me!

I took down our last wedding picture on the wall today, along with our family pic from our recent cruise. Not one sign of H any longer in this house, except for S room. I feel my disconnect is speeding up...

Went to the beach today. I had some great soul soothing! I really needed that.

H texted he was on his way to drop off S in 1/2 hour, but I was 40 minutes away having lunch with an ocean view So I let him know and what time I would be home.

He came with S and took me into the kitchen away from S to ask if he could take a dolly in the garage. I said sure, then asked, do you just want to take the rest of your things? He said, you get upset when I take things. Very true and thoughtful, but I realise I am past that point, so I told him it makes no sense to take one thing at a time. I told him he can take his things. He told me, if you want, you can box them up in a marked box and put them aside for now? Seriously, they just can't cut that tie, can they? I just said ok. Actually, I already did that with his things in the house. I am now getting tired of looking at his things in the garage.

His comment made me think, is he holding back on closure in fear of "hurting" me? I had planned on waiting until his 1 year move out anniversary, but sent him a message a week early. I thanked him for being concerned about my feelings, and I let him know I am past that and he really is free to take the rest of his things. I also let him know I hope his fear of hurting me is not what holds him back from finishing what has been started. I told him I am ok and I know, no matter what, I will be fine. I told him, in fact, I am hoping for some resolution this year, that I am at a point where I need some answers, movement or closure. That being separated for 2 1/2 years and not talking about it at all for a year makes no sense and does not feel right to me. So I suggested we get together in the next few months to discuss how to handle things...

So, ya, it's out there and I feel ok about it. Again, I am feeling pulled in this direction so I am going with it. I may get absolutely no response or reaction, he may continue to live in his ignore and avoid world. And that will either cause me to let it keep going on, or take further steps myself. It's a learning experience for me and I need some movement within, it's no longer about what he will do. It's become about what I need to do for me. It's finally about me.

[CaliGuy]

M

Nope, they do not want to cut the rope, there is that MLC noggin churning inside there somewhere and then lingers think deep down nothing should change unless of course it it towards their benefit . I think you are handling this very well, it's about you now and here you are realizing you have the power in this after all right? My hunch is your H will escape and avoid this talk... Just my guy feel here ... I wouldn't be surprised to see some sort of reaction. Your H is a different breed of MLCr I'll give him that, little spew and no OW .... Conversely he is all set up in his man shack and seems content to just stay there ... Strange in deed, I think you putting a bit on the table was very solid and healthy for you.

[mleigh4]

Alright, Cali and Hawho, you are 2 that stick out in my mind that have the patience of Saints. Seriously, I read your posts, you guys are thrown curve balls left and right, and remain solid and calm in standing. How are you doing this?? Please fill me in on your secret....because I get thrown nothing but niceness, and I feel like throwing something, kicking dirt on H shins, and having a tantrum.

I really don't know how you guys do it. Cali, at least you are getting mini R talks here and there, so you know a bit what is spinning in W. Maybe it helps in having something to work with? Hawho, I don't think you have talked with H since he left MBR again?

I think this is my biggest issue. One year of silence, of H being away and having NO idea doing what or with who. There could very well be OW, H is crafty and could keep it on the down low to avoid looking like a jerk. One year ago he moved out to have some space to think. I have granted him that, left him alone, no questions or drama in his space, and I have been given NOTHING but SILENCE.

I think this is so cruel. To do this to someone you have shared 16 years and a child with?? And I am supposed to just keep living in this twilight zone of pretending there is not a huge elephant in the room called our marriage and what are we going to do about it? It's not right, to have this much contact and not address this issue. It's just not right, MLC or not. I am a human, a person, the mother of his child, and I deserve either an explanation, a spew, a clue, or the freedom and closure to move on with my life.

And yes, where he is at in this matters to me. I would be lying if I said it doesn't effect my choices. Of course it does and that is why I feel so desperate to know. I didn't want any of this, and I will keep fighting if there is hope. But if there isn't, I want to know so I can end this, heal and move on. I did not sign up to be a single mother and I do not want to raise my son this way.

So, I am not saying I am done with H, but I am done with him being stuck, done with this situation as it has sat for so long, done with sitting back and hoping for him to make a move. That is crystal clear to me. No matter how happy I am, how busy I keep myself, it hangs heavy in the air, it is always there, that giant question mark. It keeps me hanging onto hope, when something is telling me I shouldn't anymore. So I have to make some moves, for my own sanity. I know I can't force anything out of him, but maybe it will help me to make some decisions I have been struggling with.

And yes Cali, when I see H, he looks tired and old, but I honestly believe and sense he is content in his world right now. I see no sign of him wanting to spend time with me or to change anything. I too have been content with that, but it is fading fast. I feel no attraction for him, very little respect or admiration, in fact, I feel sorry for him. It's a weird place because I don't want him back home right now, in his current condition...I don't miss him....I am not eager to spend time with him.... but yet I want something from him....what is it? And yet I can't make that final decision to be done with him....seems my mindset is very much like the MLC'er?

In any case, I know without a doubt, that I am not content with how this has been going any longer. It's one answer out of many that I have needed. So, time to get quiet again and wait for the next.

[job]

Here's a question for you and I don't mean to be morbid. Okay?

What would you have done had your h had been in auto accident and is now lying in a hospital or a nursing home in a coma w/no guarantee as to when he would wake up? Would you shake him and keep telling him to wake up, divorce him or continue to be the loving and supportive wife who hopes and prays that he will one day wake up and want to come home to his family?

I know this journey of his is very frustrating and yes, it's a long one...but it's not going to end any time soon for him. It didn't happen over night because this has been years in the making. His crisis could take him another year or even longer. If you attempt to snap him out of it, I can guarantee that he'll revisit the crisis again and it will be far worse than it is now. It may not happen a month, 6 months or even a year down the road...but it will happen again.

What are you suppose to do while he's lying in a coma? You go on w/your life, live it to the fullest and yes, you can keep hope alive in your heart and have faith that maybe, just maybe, he will wake up and want to return home to you and your son.

When you are truly sick and tired of waiting, then you'll know what to do...but I don't think you are there yet. You are frustrated w/how much time has passed and want your partner back...but again I will ask this...what would you be doing any differently if your h was in a coma?

Sit quietly, your answers will come when you least expect them. Do not try to pull them from the heavens...it won't work.

[mleigh4]

Job, I am watching the weather and just popped in to wish you well in these snow storms! I know you have a good supply of shovels, hope they are helping you in this time Are you snowed in?

So, I read your post above. I will read it again and process it. H being in a coma is a great comparison as the silence is the same. It does not surprise me, his whole family is this way, like robots.

In fact, MIL stopped by last night to drop off S English book that got left at her place. She told me about noticing her SIL having signs of dementia last summer, and had finally been told by her brother last week that she does. MIL told me, "I called my brother a few times, but SIL always answered so I wasn't able to talk to him" And I thought to myself, what is so hard about calling, asking to talk to brother, and asking him if all is ok?? Instead, after 6 months, he broke down and called her in tears for help. She is just such a strange bird to me. I see why H never learned how to just say what is on your mind, that it is ok.

Anyway, Job, I will think about what you said. I suppose, if H was in coma for 2 1/2 years and was showing no sign of waking up, it would be a struggle as well, but I think I know what I would do. It's a get mindset for me, a real good comparison.....

[mleigh4]

To add, why can't he just tell me, I am still not sure what I feel or what to do? That he still feels lost? At least I would know.

Instead, I wonder if he is just putting off divorce because of the emotional and financial issues that come with it...but that in the meantime, he is done and I am still sitting here hoping....

My frustration is, why so silent? What does it mean?

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - just caught up and want to say that I understand your frustration completely.

I know your h is the silent type. The problem is, my h has talked (a lot) through some of his MLC and still it makes NO SENSE. 1/2 the time he contradicts himself (completely) and the other 1/2 he can't remember anything he has said. And all conversations are bizarre.

I hate to say it but even if the MLCer did say anything, unless his actions back it, I think he is just showing a glimpse of what they are thinking in that very exact moment.

Thinking of you.

[job]

Why so silent? What does it mean? It means that he still doesn't know what to do. It means that he's processing stuff and quite frankly, they are lucky if they can remember what they've said or done in the last 20 minutes. Also, it means that you've not been rattling his cage for answers and that's when the ugly comes out to play. Be thankful that he's a quiet type of mlcer and not one that yells, is angry all of the time, etc. You are so lucky in that department, i.e., the softer MLCer.

He's not at the point that he can actually tell you what you want to hear or even what you don't want to hear.

I would dig deeper for patience and continue moving along w/your life.

[BrightFuture]

HaWho, you crack me up, “sofa of a H”!

Job, thanks for the link. I already checked it out and the story sounds interesting.

Mleigh, your story about you friends is also inspiring. You just never know what can happen down the road. I just don’t want to think that it will take 10 year for our spouses to realize what they had and chose to give up, and then want it back... I always had a hope that this process would be a bit faster.

I think I read it on your thread a recommendation to read about daughters of narcissistic mothers. I did… Now I can better understand why I was the way I was. My mother was not exhibiting all the conditions, but.. oh boy, there were quite a few. I think I dealt with most of the damages in the last couple of year, with the exception of the ability to set firm boundaries. I still struggle with that.

I agree with job. Your last conversation with H spooked him a bit. He now has to think about the answers, poor guy, LOL. He thought that everything is just going to be the way it is. You are still in the picture, doing all kinds of family stuff with him, but he has his own place and nothing to worry about. Sometimes you have to shake them off in order to get some movement in direction or another. I have a feeling that you are so ready to do that.

[job]

It's time for a new thread.