Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[Irish M]

Hi Mleigh

So sorry this is happening. You have a lot on your plate.

Was your mom's childhood a good one. I've seen this cycle before where grandmother to mother to Daughter... They all treated their kids in a poor way.

If it's the case , I'm So glad you see it and understand it. I've read how much you love your Son :-)

Hopefully your aunt can take over.

Irish

[mleigh4]

Good morning. Thank you Irish. I have been told my grandmother was cold and verbally abusive, big on guilt trips. She was very loving with me though.

It's time for me to take a break from my mom's circus. It hurts, I feel like I am deserting her. I know she is spinning wildly right now....but I have learned through DBing that people's actions are out of my control. There is nothing wrong with me needing a break and if that is too much for her, again, nothing I can do. I have failed too long at putting myself first, it's time. My son and I deserve peace and calm and I will make that happen.

In spite of the drama, I feel good, happy and positive. Hope you all have a great day

[HaWho]

Mleigh - I just want to re-affirm that you are not deserting her. It sounds like you have tried to reason with her. But if someone isn't willing to listen, you can't force your way of thinking onto that person. You have a lot going on in your life and as a mother myself, one could argue you could use her help through this time.

Depression and marijuana is a bad combination. You can't fix that for her. She needs to do that for herself. Battling depression is hard enough, never mind adding pot to the cauldron.

One last thing: you feel particularly guilty because you are an only child. But in many families, several children have to turn away from their dysfunctional parent. If you had siblings you might all need to protect yourselves and rightly so.

The problem is when parents wreak such havoc in our lives from a young age we don't feel that "bond" with them. But we feel guilty because we feel like we are supposed to feel that and so we think we're somehow failing as children. But, in the end, if those bonds aren't forged with kindness and uncondistional love, they just aren't what they are supposed to be.

Be kind to yourself here.

[Wonka]

MH,

You might want to google daughters of narcissistic mothers. It might help you cope with your mother better.

Ugh. What a tough hoe to roe here. Cannot be fun at all.

[mleigh4]

You guys are such a huge help, thank you so much. Hawho, you hit it on the head. I feel no bond or connection with my mom. I know I wasn't born that way, it comes from years of dysfunction. I am so grateful I have stopped the cycle with my son.

I spoke with one of my aunt's. She said what I describe is exactly how she felt about her own mother. She understands completely. She said she will talk to my other aunt and we will put our heads together. I assured her I am here, just need my space from mom right now.

Mom called my work about a hour ago and gave my co-worker her sob story.

Ok, done with this!! Back to my normal and calm MLC world! I will take my H drama over mom drama any day!

[bttrfly]

Just got caught up on your recents posts.
I'm sorry you had to deal with your mom in the middle of all this. Glad your aunts are on board to help you. It's hard. My mother and I have had a truly contentious relationship until the past five years. I did some very unconventional therapy which helped in ways I never could have imagined. Through that process, my mother also changed a bit, at least in her actions towards me. Basically I was kind, but firm, kept setting limits, etc. All the things you are doing. I think you are handling this with your usual grace and resilience. Great job. I know how hard it is!
About the cutting off piece. Yes, it is a protective measure. I understand it. I've done it. I've watched my H do it with his abusive father. Just because one cuts off - and in certain situations it is the only step left - it doesn't mean the damage stops. My H never dealt with it, and now it's coming out here. I say this simply to offer the suggestion that if you decide to cut off from H, you still work on healing yourself. I have the sense you would do that anyway, but it's so top of mind for me right now ... I wanted to stress that.. Also, sometimes I've cut off thinking I'm protecting myself, only to learn later that I caused myself more damage and hurt, as well as hurt to those around us. I hope I haven't overstepped here. You've gone through so much you don't need more, know what I mean, jelly bean?

xoxoxoxo

[mleigh4]

Hey Bttrfly. You are not overstepping, I would not post if I didn't want opinions. I am only blocking my mom because she will blow up my phone until I answer it. It's a repeat pattern. I stated my boundaries with her several months ago. She pushed and now she is blocked. Once I have my aunt's on board and we have a plan, I will unblock. It's just for a break.

I would never do this with H, we share a son and need that contact.

What kind of therapy did you do with your mom?

[mleigh4]

Hi all. Wow, I can't believe the rain we are getting here in Cali. It has been wonderful, I love it. I have become very protective of my home. I do weekly check ups by walking around outside the house, checking for any broken branches, standing water or weather issues. I fixed a drainage hose and raked some leaves out of a side gutter....look at me go!

I forgot to mention that when I was out with H stove shopping, I had told him to let me know if he sees RainX on an aisle because I wanted some. He used to always put that on my Windows and it made a huge difference. We never did come across any, but one day I was leaving the house and there was a bottle he left propped on my door handle, as a surprise. Not sure when he put it there...but was something old H would do. Was very nice of him.

And speaking of not sure when he put it there, I noticed the other day an empty shelf in a closet. I know something was there, something belonging to H. Finally, I realized it was the bow and arrow set that S had mentioned they played with. I have no idea when he took that, it was recently and I did not see him take it. THAT really creeps me out.

So, I am back on guard to make sure he is not popping in when I am away.

Another busy week and weekend. I am still following my resolution to accept more invitations. Had 2 baby showers this week and plan on meeting up with a friend tonight. Had to drop off S early with H this morning to make my shower....and I thought....every time I drop off S with H, I am on my way to doing something. H doesn't hesitate to ask me either. I love this new social butterfly, I am sure H notices too.

I still have my mom blocked and it has been nice, sad to say. I just feel.....nothing. I have plans to talk with my 2nd aunt tomorrow morning.

Took S to the outlets yesterday to get him shoes and we popped into the jelly belly store. We were picking out flavors, and knowing H loves jelly belly, told S he can pick out a bag to take to daddy's if he like. You should have seen H face light up when S gave him the bag today. He ripped it right open

S and I decided on the safari park for our upcoming vacation. I am so excited! I am thinking of splurging for us to pet the cheetahs! We are such cat lovers. I filled in H on the dates. Out of courtesy, I let him know, as always, he is welcome. Until we are in process of D, it seems like the right thing to do....

Lately, my thoughts about H still lean towards being done. I feel we really had a chance, if we had addressed our issues at the time. But after the last 2 1/2 years....not sure I can feel that way again. Still waiting for those answers!

Hope you all have a nice weekend

[mleigh4]

Forgot to mention a mini episode between H and I this week. S has tummy aches weekly, misses some school every so often because of it. He complains of pain in his abdomen, is usually constipated, and if he does go, says he doesn't feel like it all came out. It struck me the other day to look up IBS. Sure enough, the symptoms match.

H brought S home the other night. While here, I mentioned to H and S my thoughts, said it is something to look into, and I excitedly said, if this is the cause we can focus on solutions to his tummy aches, like simply changing our diet! My excitement came from hoping we can figure this out, because we have tried several different things and I hate seeing my kid laid out in pain.

Anyway, I guess I got too excited because H threw his "stop" hands up at me and said, don't go making a diagnosis, settle down.

As you know H shows no emotion, and when I do, it clearly makes him uncomfortable. When he puts me in check like that, I feel stupid. So I did my old me reaction, I turned away feeling defeated, snapped that I wasn't making a diagnosis, that sticking your head in the sand doesnt bring you answers. I turned and walked away, dropped the subject.

So, shortly after I was kicking myself. I don't like my old me reaction and I don't like when he does that to me. No one does that to me but him! I swear, I am not joking, he is so monotone it's scary. Next time, I will take a deep breath, stand tall, look him in the eye and calmly say I think it's a good idea to look into it.

I know it may sound silly, but over the years, I started feeling like showing emotions was "bad". H is very passive aggressive and would down play many important things I felt. It became a situation where I could not talk about things with him, I would be embarrassed for feeling the way I did. These are issues I finally realized after BDay that I can learn to control in myself but see I still struggle in doing that with H.

I also realize, my emotions are not the problem, his reactions to them are. His problem, not mine. Another reminder of what I NEED in my next relationship. To be myself, to be able to be goofy, excited, sad, scared, worried and mad without being made to feel like an idiot. I lost that part of me with H, I have it back, people and friends love me more than ever and I won't lose that again. He will be the one put in check next time.

[mleigh4]

Where did the edit button go??? Just adding, I used to tell H a lot during our marriage that I felt like I could not be myself with him. That I was able to talk to friends, co-workers but not to him. That I could sing a song, horribly, in front of others, but not him. I can do funny dances and funny faces with others, but not him. My friends know a totally different person than H does, I would tell him.

He could never understand why. I too used to wonder why and I think it was a mix of his being emotionless, unsupportive or helpful, and my insecurity with him. I can't change him, but I can change me. I still catch myself feeling awkward with him. When we were having breakfast the morning of the stove install, I caught myself being really animated and silly and I got real quiet and calm. This is not being true to myself, I need to be me and accepted that way.

I don't feel that with H. It is a real eye opener for me. Not sure if the issue lies with me? I think it's time to make a point of thinking of H as nothing more than another friend, and see if I can get more comfortable in my skin around him. It's worth a try, heck, what have I got to lose!?