Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[Sotto]

Yes, I say take the stove deal - I wouldn't worry about 'his' house - if it suits you, go for it!!

Xx

[mleigh4]

Thanks Lou and Sotto. I agree, take the deal!

So once again I find myself in this icky place of anger, resentment, confusion and pain. Every time I spend time with H, I end up here! It's even brought on a crying spell, which I have not had for a very long time.

I am feeling like I can not do another year of this. Something has to change this year or I need to make some kind of decision. I am able to enjoy life, have fun and move along....but I can't truly and fully heal and move on from this until I have some kind of closure.

Spending time with H reopens all the wounds. I have to accept, all over again, that our marriage is dead. That he would rather be in a dump than anywhere near me. All the lies and deceit all flood back and I feel it all over again.

I guess right now I should shut down a little. Work through my feelings, let them wash through me, and work myself back to my happy place. I have been able to keep my smile and upbeat mood while dealing with H the last couple of days. I know I would be a fool to blow up where we are at right now. Christmas left us all in a glow.....I am left to deal with the fallout emotions alone.

FIL just texted hoping I had a nice Christmas. I told him I did, but continue to be baffled with H wanting to be where he is instead of home. I added a lol to make it light. Silence. Runs in the family.

Best thing for me to do right now is lay low, keep my mouth shut and vent here until I work my way through my current low. I do know deep down that this too shall pass!

[mleigh4]

Why can't I just enjoy the time we had and let it be just that!? Why does it have to bring everything to the surface for me? I am sure so many of you would enjoy such a day, and here I am whining about it. As painful as it leaves me feeling, I would not have done any different. I know S loved it.

I guess when we clearly enjoy each other as we did, it brings up so much confusion as to why all of this has happened. I made the mistake of reading parts of "surviving your H midlife crisis" I really dislike that book, it focuses only on affairs and depressed me even more! I will read some "power of Now" That always leaves me feeling positive.

Sorry for the whinefest. I know many of you had a very difficult holiday.

[CaliGuy]

Why can't I just enjoy the time we had and let it be just that!? Why does it have to bring everything to the surface for me? I am sure so many of you would enjoy such a day, and here I am whining about it. As painful as it leaves me feeling, I would not have done any different. I know S loved it.

I guess when we clearly enjoy each other as we did, it brings up so much confusion as to why all of this has happened. I made the mistake of reading parts of "surviving your H midlife crisis" I really dislike that book, it focuses only on affairs and depressed me even more! I will read some "power of Now" That always leaves me feeling positive.

Sorry for the whinefest. I know many of you had a very difficult holiday.

Why? ... well the reason is simple ... we deserve more, we really do but there is nothing we can do about it and living in the limbo, well its frustrating. Its like we are teased with that normal life albeit for a moment then its like we are shaken out of a dream and wake up to the reality of what we now find ourselves in.


Nice to read you did well over the Holidays, I think you have done well in just doing your thing ... if H wants to be a part of it seems the road is paved nicely .... but if he does'nt it reads that you will be just dandy regardless and I firmly beieilve thats the optimal way of dealing with the crisis ... as hard as it is you continue to walk this very eligantly
I did laugh at the MLC-childish Skooters ..... crazy how this seems to be part of the script for them, reading all the stories about MLC this trend is common, I do believe part of thier brain is working on that place back in time and they honestly are 14 or whatevver age they need to be to go back and try to fix the broken connections... I got a glimpse this week of that in my wife aswell ... I am firmly convinced she is 15-16 at times.

Hope your Christmas was a good one ... as always I am one of your biggest fans.

[mleigh4]

Yes! Yes Cali that is it. I deserve so much more than this train wreck of a ride that I never purchased a ticket for. I suppose that plays a big part in my emotions.

What frustrates me the most, about myself, is that I am trying to make sense out of a senseless MLC depression. I know better! All the tools I have learned fly right out the window and the emotions take over. I know I am human, but bigger and better than that.

And to clarify, as I journal here, when I talk about H "coming home" I mean emotionally, not physically. I mean his finding his way back home, to the love and comfort of his family.

What worries me, about me, is that I still hold a lot of anger and resentment in me. I still am not sure if I even want H back, or if I could forgive all the damage done. Sometimes I feel I just need to hear he messed up, to say, yes you did. And walk away. Horrible? Yes. But thoughts that go through me, along with just wanting my life and H back. It goes so back and forth in me, Sometimes I think I am as messed up as he is. Sometimes I think I am holding out to force him to finish what he started. Why should I do it and make it easy for him?

I am thinking of going back to IC again. I think I need help working through my deep repressed feelings of anger with H. I would want a different IC then I had last, as he kept pushing me to D H. I can tell a new one, right up front, today I choose to stand for my M and want to focus on me, not him. I think I need some help navigating through my emotions.

Cali, always love when you stop by. I too hope you had a nice Christmas, I thought of your family throughout the day

[job]

I'm sorry you are having some really down times, but I'm not surprised. The holiday went well and you, your h and your son celebrated the holiday as a family unit, but it was a brief togetherness because it you can crashing back to reality when he packed up and went home w/no indication that he was feeling a bit let down about doing so.

I think we all look for something, i.e., expectation, when we are together w/them especially during the season that brings so many together as families. People come together and enjoy the day w/the family and it looks like things are going well and then the MLCer goes home and back into his little world and here we sit...our world of fantasy for the moment begins to crash back down to earth.

No, you wouldn't have done anything different, but now you need to think about setting some boundaries. The more he comes to visit and plays the "Disney" dad at your home and is there for holidays and special events, the more it opens up the wounds that are trying to heal. Yes, you've paved the way for his return, but in the process, I think it sets you up for a bit of emotional hurt each and every time he's there for special events, etc. I know you want to do the right thing for all of you, but you need to start thinking about you and what you are comfortable w/before, during and after such encounters.

The new year is around the corner, it's time to start thinking about boundaries and what you need to do in order to move forward and heal. It's time to think about YOU for a change. You've got your son covered and your adult son...well, I say leave him twirling in the wind. After all, he went home after having a great time w/his family...he's not going to feel the way you do...why should he? He's got the best of both worlds right now. It's time to rock that world of his just a wee bit. Limit the time he spends in your home. Limit the "all in the family" events that include him. He'll never miss what he had if it's being served on a silver platter to him all of the time.

Your h got his fill of kibbles for being a great and attentive father to his son on Christmas. When he tells people about Christmas, it makes him look like a great dad and people will pat him on the back, etc. His empathy chip is broken and right now, he really doesn't care how you felt about the visit or how you would feel later once he left. It's all about him and what he needs to fill up that empty hole in his soul.

Mleigh, it's time to think about what YOU want and can achieve to make your life a more peaceful one in 2016. If it means limiting the amount of time you are around you h, then do it. If it means less texting or conversations, then do it...but you need to heal and your wounds are being scraped each and every time you have "all in the family" time w/him. It's time for him to learn what it means to be separated and living in his little "dump" of a house.

Again, I'm so sorry you are having a tough time right now. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and shake those sad and frustrated feelings off your back because tomorrow is another day.

[mleigh4]

Aww Job, your post has me sobbing again and wishing you were here to hug. I really don't know what I want or what I should do. I don't know what to do!

I too see H telling his co-workers about his wonderful Christmas being this great giving guy. He even has his family fooled into believing it! If there is a phantom OW, she must think he is a saint!

And who would have been the bad person if I didn't let it go down as it did? Me.

Ugh, yes, I need to shake this off and pull myself together. I am giving a mess of a person way too much control of my world right now.

I have today and tomorrow off work and I need to be enjoying this time with my son.

Ok, tears stopped and ready to get a grip.

Job, I will read and re-read your post until it sinks in.

[job]

I'm sorry if I've made you sob again, but I do make every attempt to be as honest and open w/the posters. I hate to sugar coat situations and then have it back fire on the poster at a later time.

So, mleigh, my advice for now is this: cry, get it out of your system and then get off that pity pot and do something special w/your son.

For now, sit quietly and the answers will come in their own special way. They always do. They might now be what you want to receive, but they will come and then it's up to you to determine how to deal w/them.

Sending you cyber hugs. I know it's difficult for you because you are walking a very fine line and want things to be okay for your son...but you do have to think about what YOU want right now to take care of YOU.

[bttrfly]

M, first off, seriously big bear hugs...

Second, as I was reading your post I was reminded of something Michele wrote in DR. I think it's in the MLC chapter. She says something about how when the MLCer comes back the LBS is often full of anger and resentment that they've had to stuff for the relationship to get to a place of reconciling. So, you are feeling it a bit early, but it makes total sense to me. I feel that split constantly, between longing for H and wanting to just let fly with the pent up frustration, anger and resentment. Writing it out helps me. Didn't you tell me yoga? I think the main thing is this: what you are feeling is absolutely normal for your circumstances. The good news is you are feeling it! You aren't trying to mask it or ignore it like the MLCers do. The bad news? These are some very unpleasant feelings. But feelings aren't facts. Feelings do pass. Punch a pillow, scream into it if you have to. Come here and vent. Know we are here. xoxoxo

[mleigh4]

Job, I would want nothing less than your honest opinion and advice. Pity pot made me laugh so we are getting somewhere!

This is really the first time we have had family time since we did the bbq at his house during the summer. I even cut off Costco! So I think I have done a good job of not letting him enjoy both worlds and I will continue to keep that up as it obviously works best for me.

H and I switched nights so I have S tonight and he has him tomorrow night since he has Wed off with him. I just took a shower and pictured washing the blues away. I am starting a nice fire. Going to cook us up a nice dinner. Then will do some yoga.

Tomorrow we are taking my mom to a Dr appt that she can't drive herself home after. Then I will get S cleaned up before going to his dad's. S still won't take baths or showers there. Lol.

I then have dinner plans with a friend before going back to work on Wed.

I think key here is to keep myself busy and distracted and to do things I enjoy to get myself through this week. I want to be in a better state of mind when I start my new year!