We become the authority figures in their lives, i.e., mom or dad, as they become teenagers or younger during crisis.
As for the groceries, I can't help but wonder if this is the type of food she may have eaten at a young girl since neither your or your children particularly care for the items.
It's too bad that she can't see the light of day just yet, but you sound like you are doing okay. Keep the focus on you and your children and allow your wife to live out her teenage years in order to grow up to become a mature woman.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Khy - a lot of what you post is very familiar to me. I too am living with my MLC h and have throughout his crisis.
My h is also re-experincing the music he did as a teenager. He went through a phase where he shut himself in a room and listened to it full blast. And, on a daily basis, his bedroom looks like he's just been robbed.
By the way, as you may have already read, in MLC they become the mirror opposite of who they were. My h was eating all new brands of food and all new types of food. He still dresses the same but nearly everything else about him is opposite.
How old are your kids? I ask because if they are of an age where they can be picking up/helping more you may want to consider enforcing this. Your wife is not going to be responsible for quite some time. You don't want to throw your wife under the bus, but your kids should not be patterning much of her domestic qualities these days. If they are of an age where they can help, you may want to consider giving them lists of chores when you leave for the day. Your wife will go backwards but your kids still need to learn how to go the other way.
As hard as it is, just let her be a teenager. Make the home a very comfortable place for her. This is hard to do if you still think of her as an adult and if you have that expectation. If you can retrain your brain that she is a teenager, at times maybe younger, it is easier.
One last thing, be on the lookout for moments where she may be a young girl. In the last few months a little boy has come out of my h. I realize I once saw him be a little boy back in February, when he was in full swing replay.
Sit quiet and watch. You will see and learn a lot.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Well I knew something was going to happen she's been acting too weird. This morning she says she wanted to talk. Why can't I get no expectations into my mind. Still don't know what the point was supposed to be after it all but she said "I can't live in the basement forever & why do you think I'm trying to rush this along." I replied that she's known me nearly half my life but wants to leave after 5 months since this began. I said it sounds like there's someone else. She then told me she had been talking to a coworker. Idk why this suprised me but I've been being lied to for months. My emotions got me and I flipped out, I punched the wall like a true jackass (I'm so embarrassed, this is not me, I can't believe who I've become, jealous and insecure) I knew it, she used to talk on the phone, business and then it stopped, I casually brought it up once and I got a he's not around this area much answer. I am so stupid for not trusting myself. And she was doin this in front of me and the kids! She says there's nothing physical happening and thinks it's not a big deal but even the slightest trust I had is gone. Before everything happened she told me he brought a tinder date to an office function. So I told her it's f'd how she's choosing to have an A (ea or pa) with a guy who f@s people on tinder and talks to married women with children. Nice choice for emotional support (yeah I'm sure that's what he's there for). She said he listened to her and nobody else did and that I treated her like her parents...great I told her it wasn't acceptable, and I won't stand for it. I feel awful, she kept trying to justify it by saying how I was never there, it was ridiculous. Once I calmed down I remembered what I've been reading and tried to do some validating before leaving the room. I feel sick. Deep in I knew it but was in denial when it was slapping me in the face. I can't even remember half of what just happened. I'm not as down as I would have been a few weeks ago so I guess I'm letting go but I've never been so hurt, and by the person I loved and trusted the most. I'm not close to anyone else but my kids. At this point in my life I think my step mil would have to be next, we've bonded a little lately and she's the only one besides this forum and my therapist who I can talk to.
Idk what to do, part of me wants to tell her to leave but I think she'd go to her friends house which would be toxic. Maybe she wants me to tell her to leave too, idk. I don't want my kids spending half their time there (well w actually told me her friend doesn't like kids, wtf) or where else she finds, it won't be great on her income. I will need to try to keep the house so the kids can stay in the same school. Our kids are to well adjusted, our son with autism is doing great now and I want to make the effects minimal, this is killing me.
If I tell her to go am I driving her to OM? I've been accused of being not here for her as well as smothering, there's no winning. Why am I still even caring?
During the argument I also told her that I cared about her and would never even consider an A even though the opportunity may have presented itself a few times but I never even gave them a chance to happen. She asked when and then said "well I don't know why you think you're undesirable then" and "I could have the chance all the time". I said I didnt have other desires outside of our marriage. She then told me nothing physical is happening. I asked about the trip last week and her work trip next week and she said OM was in another state right now. Then she proceeded to tell me that her and her friends had to leave the bar they were at after the concert because she thought some guys were trying to roofie her. OMG wtf is going on, I know it could happen anywhere but I'm sure she was probably some place she shouldn't have been.
I feel like I'm in the wrong life.
I regard to above, I'm having the kids clean up after themselves more but need to work on it, my plate is so full. I think their room is cleaner than hers though, lol. There doing okay so far but sometimes ask questions. I know it's affecting them, it's sad to see.
Thank you all for reading, I really would be in a bad place without this forum.
Sorry for the multiple posts but I've got to get it out. I still can't believe myself, I'm so embarrassed, and I knew it was coming, and how to expect her to act. I'm glad the kids are gone. I don't know how to handle this, I feel so stupid for living in denial believing her. And she tried to put it all on me. We moved together when I went to grad school and she didn't finish college, she worked during this time and is po'd about it now. She keeps brining it up.
Went and had a coffee by myself and when I came back she's acting somewhat normal. I let her talk a bit and then went to my room, this is so hard.
Yes, it is hard living w/someone going through a crisis of any sort. They will blame you for everything and yes, they will bring up things from the past over and over again. The best thing you can do is to listen and if you feel that you want to argue, walk away. To argue w/them is just fueling their emotional/anger fire and it justifies to them why they feel the way they do about us.
I'm sorry you are having to deal w/this and I think you did the right thing by leaving for a while. Hopefully she will settle down now that she's expressed herself to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you job, you are right . I think I may have fell into a trap losing my cool (so out of character for me). I let myself down, & after all the good advice I got just before this. She started the conversation she by saying I seemed to be living in denial that she wants a D, so I think she was upset I wasn't down in the dumps. After my initial shock I remembered things I've been reading here and tried to keep in mnd who I was arguing with, certainly not the woman I once knew.
I spent a lot of time last night reading your detachment thread. Time to keep working on myself, I'm not where I thought I was.
Thank you everyone for posting, I've read through your threads and have found inspiration in them all.
Tonight I checked my email before leaving work and there is one from w. In the email she kept saying how she wasn't a good mom and how she knew I only told my therapist about how bad she is, etc. then tells me to have a good appointment today.
So tonight she looked awful, I think we were both up all night. I stopped her after dinner and told her that what she wrote wasn't true. That she is a great mom and I wouldn't ever choose another for my kids. She told me she didn't feel like she was. I told her again and I also told her I do talk about her good points and gave specific examples. She looked better and said thanks.
Before bed I told her again that she was a great mom and to never think or let anyone tell her otherwise, that the kids were lucky to have her and that I meant it from the bottom of my heart. She teared up and told me thank you so much and then told me how terrible her mom was to her and that her dad "f@ing sucked". She then said she didn't know if she was and that all she knew was she was better than her mom was to her. I reassured her she was a great mom and what she's done for the kids. She told me I was a good dad then we went to bed. I wish I could have hugged her. She looked so much better afterwards
Well, idk if it was the right move but I took a stand tonight. I told w I didn't want her in the house so long as she was in contact with OM. Last night after we had a good little talk, she was treating me like garbage again. Not that I'm suprised but it's the same thing over again so I did what I normally wouldn't. I took a stand. W got defensive and tried to justify it all and blame me. She said she thinks it's ok because she talked (BDd rather) to me about D right before Christmas. She tried to bring the kids into it but didn't keep up with it. She says after everything you've fine to me your kicking me out. I'm flabergasted! I can't believe this! I said no, I don't want you out, but I won't stand for an A while you're in my home. I won't let you do that to me or my family. I had to repeat this numerous times while she tried to justify it to me. She wasn't making sense, said she knew she was hurting me but didn't see why it was a problem because she wants a d. She's taking note of my actions because she kept saying how I'm acting like she never talked to me about d. She brought up more if the past and my faults, I apologized for for what deserved it and said I wish I could change things that I've done wrong and that I was sorry I've hurt her. But I kept having to repeat that I would not stand for...I told her to think what kind of person the OM was (tinder and talking to married women with children) and to go to a friend who knows and loves her for emotional support. She said no one else listens to her, she's had this complaint before (valid but oversensitive) so I told her to use a different approach, tell them she feels that way and that she really needs them to listen to her and that it will be different. I also urged her to get herself a therapist (she says she's had bad experiences when she's gone in the past).
After this she said she had to think and went outside to smoke...what? She's smoking now!!? 14-15 is when she used to steal her parents cigarettes. She quit shortly after we started dating.
I hope I made a good choice, this was so hard but this is my boundary and I simply won't put up with an A while in my home and traveling all over with no contact while I'm home with the kids. I know she definately didn't expect his from me.
Hi KYH, I think taking a stand is fine. Only you know what you can and can't tolerate, and if you can't tolerate (understandably) living in the same house as your W when she is having an A, you can take steps to protect yourself and the family from her wayward behaviour.
The area to watch out for is in the latter part of your post - where you told her to think about various things - what kind of person is OM, get some help from friends, find yourself a therapist. My guess is, she will not welcome that kind of advice from you and may see it as control. Fact is, she will likely to come to see the 'real' OM - but that will happen on her timescale and not yours. You trying to push things along may well slow them down.
Good for you in taking a stand. How do you plan to follow through on this in the event she doesn't agree to leave?
Take care - sounds like you are doing pretty well in very difficult circumstances
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
