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job #2641154 01/10/16 01:09 PM
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Kyh Offline OP
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Thanks, that's just what I did. I didn't respond to one, kept the response for the others short and just a little more if it was about the kids.

Kyh #2642172 01/12/16 10:43 PM
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W came back tired, looking awful, and moody. I feel bad for the kids that I had to go out of town this week because she's being so short.

She told me about her trip, I think trying to make me jealous and/or upset. I didn't say much more than it sounds like you had a good time. She then told me more about it. I later got a half@ thank you for watching the kids but i could see it was physically hard for her to mutter the roundabout words and then she immediately went to her messy room.

Step mil also called me and we had a good talk. I know it isn't recommended but I let her in on things and let her know about me DBing and why (she couldn't believe her behavior and I just scratched the surface). She said w never gave her any indications of being unhappy ever. She is totally on board with me and isn't saying anything and we are staying in contact. Although she isn't saying anything about anything mentioned above to w, she is going to talk to her about a surgery she needs which seems to be part of the problem as she is in chronic pain. We're hoping she can help with that since I can't talk with her about it since "it's not your body, etc." I don't think she even knows what it's like to feel good anymore and once in a moment of seemingly normalcy told me she was scared to have it done. No matter what happens I hope she gets it done because no one should have to live in pain like that.

Kyh #2642242 01/13/16 06:16 AM
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2642657 01/13/16 09:28 PM
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Kyh Offline OP
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Thanks, I keep my book in my office and delete my phone after each visit. I also learned about private browsing from the forum. This is great advise, I know she's looked in my ipad history before. Thank you moderators for posting up some of the chapters! I use them a lot when I can't read the book.

A lot of her behavior is parallel to other stories I've been reading, a cou Living in a messy room in the basement

Kyh #2642669 01/13/16 10:09 PM
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Ugh, something happened on my phone and my long post was cut off so this one is a lot shorter.

Her behavior is like a lot of what I've been reading in other posts. Acting like a teenager. This was a really difficult time for w as was most if her life. I was thinking about events and timing and her parents split up for a good amount of time when she was about our kid's ages. She also lived with her grandparents for a long time and was close to them both. From what she told me in the past, her grandmother always treated her grandfather with resentment. I also thought about back to the time that w is now claiming she's been unhappy with me since and it coincides with her grandmothers death.

Her room is a disaster( I had to laugh when I put some Landry in when she was gone but then I felt bad for her). Her car is even worse. She went and got a new phone and tablet on her own plan and didn't update people. I thought it was just my family at first but a close friend contacted my sister on Facebook to try to reach her. So I guess her FB is deactivated again (it was for good reason before friends death). it is part of what the argument mentioned in my first post was about. She did call her friend after I told her.

She also asks about my counseling appointments a lot. How they were and when they are. I just keep my response short and tell her I'm working on myself.

And another one, she rearranged dishes in the cupboards, just a few things, insisting on the new way. Wth is that about? But hey, at least she's putting dishes away now.

Kyh #2642694 01/14/16 03:58 AM
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When one cannot control oneself, one moves mountains to control one's environment


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Kyh #2642726 01/14/16 06:34 AM
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They are looking for "change". They think that changing exterior things will make them feel better. It will for a short period of time and then they begin looking for something else to change. They don't realize that happiness comes from within.

As for her teenager antics, well, she's gone back in time to the age where she was emotionally stunted. I'm not surprised that her room is a disaster as well as her car. They tend to purchase new items and do forget to update their friends on new phone numbers, etc. It's all part of the depression/crisis. Hopefully, she'll settle down soon. If not, "dad", just leave her be. Continue as you have and try not to get into any heated discussions w/her.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2643162 01/15/16 06:58 AM
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You are doing great..It is very hard living with them

MY XH would leave rooms when I walked in..he stayed out till the morning and dyed his hair and eyebrows was wearing hollister type jackets and had a motorcycle

You sound like you are doing a good job keeping the house together for the kids
that is so important..
my kids seem ok at this point.. The more we hold it together-the better for them

I would be careful when talking to her family..Her family may side with her at least in the beginning until they see how off
she is-

Hang in there


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Thank you everyone for the responses! You're posts (in this thread and others) have been so helpful.

W has really been testing my patience since I got back from a work trip last night. I got back and the house was a mess and I ended up having to figure out dinner after driving 8 hours.

I've been trying to get a clue on our finances since this is the one thing she's still doing and has always done. This is one of the mistakes I made in our relationship, she asked me to be involved in the past but it was only briefly that we worked on finances together. I've been asking for quite a while now to work together on this and apologized for the past. Well she finally put our budget together, interestingly during a tight time (Nevermind that trip last week, lol). First thing I noticed was the mortgage was all out if one pay check but we usually just put half of it in savings. She gets paid commission so we can't budget any of her income which makes this more difficult. I guess I will see how this goes, I need more. It it's a start but I need more info and didn't want any arguments so I'm going to see how it goes. Oh, and I'm not allowed to right in the budget sheet because my handwriting isn't good enough, "You ruined it last time."

She told me she was goin to go to the grocery store today because I always spend too much. I had to get up and leave, I've been doing all the shopping since this all started. When she got back she showed me two lists she stuck in a cupboard, one with different meals she bought things for which I don't cook and the kids don't like. Lots of pork which she knows I hate cooking because of the smell and also bought brands she knows I avoid. I guess I will see if she plans on starting to help with cooking again but the kids tell me they eat out most of the time I'm out if town for work (we used to eat healthy and use diet for our son's autism treatment with miraculous results). Her other note was a list of things to make for the kids lunches: pbj, tuna sandwich, carrot sticks, etc. Wtf, I'm surprised there wasn't instructions too. I've been doing this chore nearly the whole school year lol. I had to leave and go to my room, she was driving me crazy. I took a nap and woke up to her taking a picture of a dress on the foot of the bed and then left. No clue what that's about.

Before the store she asked about talking this weekend so I'm wondering what that will be about. She knows I have a counseling appointment Monday and likes to drop stuff on me beforehand.

She also went to dinner and a movie with her friend tonight, when she stopped and picked her up it was like sending my kid out, plus an awkward feeling, I'm sure she's talking to her friend about everything going on. I feel like their friendship is helping kill my relationship with w.

I tried to do something for myself and went out to lunch alone , sounds pathetic but oh well, it got me out and I read lots of your threads that helped me through the day.

I should probably clarify that ithe family isn't a step mil by marriage, it is more like her adopted family that knows she's had some troubles. Step mil told me she was worried about her after a conversation she had and also some personal things so I think I'm okay there. I would never be able to talk to her real family or mine about this.

Funny thing about timing when she was emotionally stunted, she's listening to a lot of the same music and genre type as she did in her early teens and is dressing different to fit this look sometimes (band shirt yesterday, ugly black hoodies with metal band logos tonight). She has a huge old cd book in her car lol. Completely different than what she has been listening to for the last few years.


She has messes around the house, in my room her old journal is lying on a pile of junk of hers on a desk (her mom found it when they moved). I took a look at just a couple of pages because it's been there for weeks. I don't think she knows it's there in all her clutter. I feel so sorry for that poor girl, there is a lot of pain and anger in those three pages I randomly flipped to. I'm afraid I might be "mom & dad" after reading some of it.

Kyh #2643853 01/17/16 12:53 AM
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Please forgive all my poor grammar in my posts, I really can spell;) but I'm posting from my phone.

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