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#2633987 12/22/15 02:28 PM
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Kyh Offline OP
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I couldn't find my old post to link but long story short my w is in the throws of a mlc after the death of a friend a few months ago.

I've read DB and have been doing ok with everything until last night. I lost almost all my tools. We are supposed to travel to her step family's for the holiday and leave tomorrow and last night she tells me she set up a mediation appt for when we get back. So now I'm supposed to go act like everything is fine and come home to that or ruin christmas for my 5 & 7 yo. I really want to tell her I'm staying home w kids and let her tell her family why she's showing up alone but that's not fair to my kids idk what to do.

Kyh #2634027 12/22/15 04:07 PM
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Did you join the forum earlier this month? If so, you could still be on moderation, which takes a bit of time.

I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but I can assure you that we are a great group of posters who will support you and provide you w/excellent advice and comfort in the days ahead.

So, let's start by you telling us something about yourself. How long have you been married, can you give us the age of your spouse? I am going to "assume" that your wife is still living under the same roof w/you. How is she behaving?

Tell us something about yourself. How did you almost lose all of your tools? I'm not surprised that she's tossed out the mediation appointment to you. She's miserable and she wants you to be that way too. Many of them do this stuff around a holiday, special event, anniversary and birthday. I'm sorry she's done this but she's in the selfish mode right now and doesn't care about anyone else but herself.

I would suggest that you can be civil w/her during the visit to her step family's home. You don't have to be lovey dovey, just be civil. It's going to be tough not to be depressed and/or sad about this turn of events, but you've got to show some interest in the holiday for your children. If your step in-laws inquire about things, I'd be honest advise them that they would need to speak her. Since she's the one driving the divorce train, put it back on her to explain to them what she's doing.

Once you are home, then you can think about what comes next. For now, I'd suggest not addressing the mediation appointment and try to keep the focus on you and your children. Try to enjoy the time w/your children as it will be over soon and then the reality of what your wife wants to do will be out in the open and your children will come to realize that mom doesn't want to be married any longer.

Again, I am very sorry this happened to you. I had something very similar happen to me many, many years ago. I do understand where you are coming from.

Please continue to post.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kyh #2634042 12/22/15 04:38 PM
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Hello Kyh,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

I was able to find your original post in newcomers. Would you like this thread merged with that one?

Focus on being the best KYH and father possible, especially during the holiday visit to your in-laws. It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Cristy #2634047 12/22/15 04:55 PM
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Here is the link

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...778#Post2629778

I have a different welcome post here,
I would stay in one forum or the other.



Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2583553#Post2583553

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Last edited by Cadet; 12/22/15 05:00 PM. Reason: homework

Me-70, D37,S36
job #2634058 12/22/15 05:57 PM
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Kyh Offline OP
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Thank you for the reply! I joined earlier this month but I posted late night and I think it was buried quickly.

I'm 34 and she's 33 we lived together 6 years before getting married and have been married 7 years. We are in the same house. Different rooms. We had an argument after our friends death and she dropped the not in love with you bomb a couple weeks later. She has distanced herself from me as much as possible since (I've seen her do this to other people for months/years). I went through all the wrong reactions, mistakes etc til I started counseling and found dr/this forum.

I started implementing it right away and I thought things were getting better. Good and bad days but seeing some if her old self sometimes I think? I can look in her eye and part of her is gone/dead.

Her behavior is all over the place. She has a female friend she is going out with all the time (who is widowed and depressed) is Burning herself in work, staying out late, drinking, going to events leaving me at home with the kids (and formerly sil but she moved back home a few weeks ago). Says there is no one else but idk. Most of the mlc checklist behavior seems to apply. I've been compared to abusive parents, an abusive past relationship, on so on, and then told I'm worse (we never had any sort of these issues in our relationship, things to work on yes, but nothing like this). I know better than to believe it but it still hurts.

I was doing everything at home (total doormat) until I started DBing, now I'm getting some help cooking, cleaning, etc but I was told she wasn't doing it to be nice (I guess she feels guilty). I still need to work on GAL.

I was doing alright trying to use the tools I've read about with some trial and error but she really got the best if me with the mediation appointment and her timing. I got mad and we argued (same ol not accomplishing anything argument I don't want to be part of ending in her going to bed and me upset not sleeping w brain that won't shut off, stop signs not working last night). I should have left the situation but I didn't, I let it get me down just when I was starting to feel good for the first time in months.

Thank you for the holiday advise, I'm going to have to take the high road and try to have a good time while I'm doing it.

Kyh #2634065 12/22/15 06:23 PM
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Here's a link to a great thread, if you haven't already read it:

Sandi2's 37 Rules


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2637377 01/02/16 07:05 AM
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Kyh Offline OP
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Christmas went well overall, the first couple of days were hard for me but the kids had a great time.

Before leaving for our trip, I asked about the appt time so I could be there and she said it was just for her. I said there wasn't much to mediate then and explained how it was awesome timing. She said she was going to cancel and find one to bring us both in/research it more. As far as I know she did.

W kept distant from me all the time but was ok to me. I was helping Step MIL in the kitchen for Christmas dinner and W was avoiding coming in and was gone for a bit. I could tell she had been crying. I just kept my distance and was normal as possible.

I drove w step MIL ~1 hr the next day and she knows something's up but nothing more than that. I drove her car back with W and it was the most we've talked in months. The next day was just okay with some short conversations on the long drive home. We had a few laughs over those few days and Monday night was nicer than normal. The rest of the week that's also been ok but there have been some awkward moments. This mornng she vented about work to me and I made her laugh after listening. This is a first in a long time. We also took the kids to a movie tonight but had an awkward quiet moment after putting the kids to bed.

I had to ask about the appt earlier this week so I knew where I stood and she got really irritated. I haven't brought it up at all since.

I'm trying to just go with the flow and work on myself (counseling is going along well with DR book) and have been reading here on the regular which is helping a lot.

Last edited by Kyh; 01/02/16 07:10 AM.
Kyh #2640919 01/09/16 06:00 PM
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Kyh Offline OP
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Hi again, I wasn't sure if I should start a new thread for this because it's kind of a new topic but anyway here it goes.

Since I last posted I've been spending time with the kids and on myself. W has been venting to me about two coworkers on the regular and last weekend I was outside with the kids making a snowman (she was downstairs in her room when we went out) and she texted me a bunch of pictures after she came upstairs and saw us. Anyway, this weekend she went half way across the county for a concert ("I'm doing things my parents wouldn't let me"), she has been texting me a few pictures some w/text and some just pictures. I'm not sure how I should be responding, I've been trying to work on the homework items but this is quite a change from a couple weeks ago. Any thoughts?

Thanks again for all the replies everyone, I appreciate it.

Kyh #2640920 01/09/16 06:02 PM
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It's supposed to be country not county above, big difference lol.

Kyh #2641091 01/10/16 08:54 AM
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You shouldn't start a new thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. However, you change your subject line at any time.

Well, golly gee, her parents wouldn't allow her to go half way cross the country for a concert...I wouldn't have blamed them when she was a teenager. Sounds like she's rebelling at this late date. If your w isn't asking you a question or the text doesn't require a response, then you don't have to respond. However, if you feel like you want to respond, then keep the response short and sweet. For example "nice photos" or "nice photos, thanks for sharing" and end the text.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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