New beginnings!

[Di-mond]

Heard it on the way home in the car tonight.

Exactly how I felt at times and still do.

Catchy tune!

[Di-mond]

Not sure how I feel today.

Some days I wish I would have never met my H and then other days I love him so much that I can't imagine my life without him.

If I feel so conflicted, I can assume my H feels the spectrum of emotions just like We all do.

[Mona52]

I am sure he feels a spectrum.

1/3 of December is gone. Do you have your school books and stuff ready? Your classes start in January? How is your Yoga going?

[Di-mond]

Mona,

All my courses are online for now. I still have to register at the college, which I will be doing next week.

This past week has been crazy busy with my daughters dental surgery, the dog being sick (emergency vet visit), babysitting my sons gf's little guy 4 mornings this week and my appointment with my specialist in the city.

Next week I'm taking my daughter to the city for a week long course. We have to be there very early Monday morning to register her. Then I need to find her accommodations for the week. I am not driving down there every day. I hate city driving!! My blood pressure goes through the roof with all the idiot drivers. Lol
Tuesday I have a doctor's appointment...again in the city. Then I have a few days to myself to get some more unpacking done. Crap....forgot the washer and dryer are getting delivered Tuesday as well. Wednesday I would like to go to a Reiki share. It always makes me feel better. Sometime next week I will be signing up at the gym, then when my daughter gets back her and I can go there together. No yoga yet, but hoping before Christmas to get in at least one class.

Also making plans with my MIL to have a get together before she leaves for Florida.

I miss my H very much and spending time with him the other night doing just every day things like going grocery shopping and grabbing a bite to eat makes me miss him even more. We get along so well when we are together, yet he still doesn't want to try. Sometimes I think he thinks he can't give me what I need. Emotional support, unconditional love. I know, mind reading. He knows he will never find anyone that loved and supported him the way I did. I know that I can find someone that supports and loves me more than he did. Yet I still want that person to be him.

[gonegrl]

Di, it sounds like you are doing really well, despite the emotional rollercoaster. You have so much going on in your life, so much GAL and "moving forward". I don't have much to add, just wanted to say hi and that I think you are doing a good job. Hang in there.

[Di-mond]

I do have lots going on in my life.

So much that I forgot to add that I had my hair done today (cost way too much money) and I'm going to a Christmas party for the motorcycle group my H and I belonged to together. It will be a bit awkward since it will be the first social function I'm going to without him. They all know we have separated, but actually walking in alone will be hard. Shoulders back, head held high!!!

And no H bashing!!!! I'm classier than that, even tough sometimes it would feel so good. I'm still standing for my M. What kind of wife would I be if I talked down about him?!?! I will gently steer conversation away from him.

[mutatio]

Your a good woman Di, that's the right way to handle H talk at the party. Enjoy yourself, be well

[Di-mond]

I had an alright time, but missed my H terribly. I'm an introvert and just let my H always be the showman. It gave me joy to see him happy and in his element. It is very difficult for me to approach and initiate conversations. I also saw the looks of pity thrown my way.

I haven't cried in a while, but really feel like it today.

I also haven't heard from my H since I saw him Thursday.

I just wish he would text me already.

[Mona52]

I am a classic introvert as well! That is why I love my IT job. I think I have said maybe 4 words all day here at work and it is almost 2:00pm! I have typed my fingers off, but I don't have to actually talk to people.

I also feel no one will ever love him like I have and I also feel I can find someone to give me more love than H gave me. Yet... I also still want H.

All I can say is STOP WAITING for his text. He wont text, and every time you check, your anger at H builds. That anger will poison you. Every time you think about him texting, quickly turn your thoughts to school, or your S or D or the stupid paint color on the wall or ANYTHING other than his text. It takes practice, but you can do it!

[Di-mond]

Well, we Skype the other night.

One thing I've noticed more and more lately is how his memory seems to be affected. Not necessarily towards me, but for doing adult things, like paying bills.

It's almost like he blocks out negative things and I feel like the bad guy when I remind him that he hasn't paid that bill. I know, really none of my business.

Just sad that he is sinking further down financially. Maybe he will need to hit rock bottom before he snaps out of it, but then the last time it happened (before we met) he did a fly by night. Walked away from his apartment and most of his stuff and his bills. Kinda like clean slate, start fresh. He did suffer from severe depression then and had extensive counselling.

When we first got married we cleaned up his credit from when that happened. I was trying to show him how to be an adult. After he quit his job (4 months after we got married) my credit went to crap. His is clean, for now. Mine is sh*t, but I'm now completely debt free. I will rebuild. Had to do it before, will never do it again.

Just concerned about him. I watch for the signs and I see them with him. He hides it well from everyone else. Oh no, he's fine. All is good! I wonder if I should talk to his mom about it. She knows he should go to therapy.

Is it wrong of me to be a bit satisfied to see him struggling? He thought he could be happier without me, but he's not. Then I think, maybe he married me because he thought I could make him happy and again that didn't happen.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know now that happiness doesn't come from another person, but comes from ourselves. We (Dbrs) are learning that! My WAH not so much, or at least not yet.

Still love him, still standing.

I know one thing for sure, he won't file for divorce any time soon. He can't afford to!!
In a way that makes me feel better. Lol