Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi PP, yes I agree with the wise posters above. Ending a R and filing for D will not engender intimacy. If something significant changes and your W asks you to consider rebuilding, takes D off the table or pauses it - well, at that stage you could think about this.

For now, I think you're doing just fine xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
Hi PP. interesting times and the big thing to take from all of it is ............ Nothing's changed.

Is W shifting her position ? Is she planing on manning the mission to Mars ? We don't know so the best thing to do is keep on keeping on.

Lecture out of the way and now my opinion is W is starting to see the changes in PP and she is wondering. To even mention reconciliation is huge and can only be seen as positive

As the experts tell us time and time again the WAS needs to see rope drop and by you planning your trip , W can see the rope is a least slack

PP is to continue his journey while his DB buds can do the wondering for him


Take care brother Rd. xx

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
PigPen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
Thank you Zeus, Jelly, Sotto and rd for chiming in, it really does help to get everyone's opinions on this.

Rd, I'm glad you came out of retirement you have such a succinct way of putting things that makes sense to me. My trip is still happening, I know I'm getting D'ed, and I'm still ok with it. I'm not OK not having my W in my life, but know I will get there. Next year's travels and adventures will be a big part of filling the hole that was left in me with her departure.

BD'ing feels so much like swimming from one island to another, one far out in the distance that we can't even see. I can see the silhouette of that far island now. It's still a long way off, and I'm tired from getting thrown around in the waves and having fish take bites of me, but I feel the current pulling me towards that silhouette and honestly it feels good.

The thought of going back the old island hurts my soul as it would mean living a life that was so far out of alignment I can't fathom it any more.

I can now say with complete confidence, I miss my W, but I don't miss my M.

One step at a time, one stroke at a time towards the new land.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
PP, you may not want to reveal to much but with keeping it vague could you talk about your upcoming travels. If so, are you going around the country? around the world? are you working? are you volunteering?

I toy with working overseas if my wife blows it all up and hoped to get some insights from you thoughts. If what your doing is ultra top secret black ops stuff, I'm not interested.

I'm glad to see your running on all eight cylinders now. Be well



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
PigPen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
Ha! No black ops stuff for me Mutatio, the desire to be on that team is long gone. I'd rather spread peace.

The trip is half in the US and half international. Some time in South America and some time in Asia. I'm going to be working a bit as I can consult easily from a computer, as well as volunteering. Primarily I'm going to be writing, and breathing. This has been one hell of a year for me, after years of exhaustion. Since I have the ability to walk for a while, I'm going to do just that. Walk. And learn.

I'm hoping to speak with people in situations like ours, difficult situations, life threatening situations health wise, or otherwise. I want to hear their stories and how the challenges they faced shaped them for living afterwards. People have always fascinated me and I've been very isolated in many ways for the last decade. Even if I was around people, I wasn't present or didn't allow myself to open fully to them. I've kept myself an outsider.

I've hidden behind extreme goals, building businesses, and addiction. Now I truly want to experience people and hear their incredible stories, and then find a way to share those stories, or the nuggets of wisdom from them with other people who may be struggling.

It's as much a soul journey for me as I hope what I produce turns into for those that read it. If I do it right, it won't be hard to find me...

PP

Last edited by PigPen; 12/02/15 05:02 AM.

M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
That sounds great PP. My skill set is useful in under developed countries. I was thinking of volunteering some where in South America, Australia, India or China are interesting but I am not sure they would need me.

My problem is I am not rich and need to eat. If I volunteer I am not sure how I would sustain myself. Do you know about any of that?



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 569
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 569
PP!!

I gotta throw my womanly opinion at you for what I think your wifey might be doing wink

She is asking you for 2 completely differently things. I think she is checking to see which one you give her.

On the one hand she is saying she had a problem with you being a bit needy about the R. She felt you had insecurities about her leaving. She wants NONE of that, and is worried to see it.

On the other hand, she wants you to open up to her, but if you show her you are insecure, like she is asking, you have just majorly broken her fear above.

Feel free to tell me if I am over-simplifying, but I would be a bit cautious about the 'sharing of feelings'. Unless, of course, those feelings are pre-approved by her.

I am not saying she is deliberately setting a trap. People don't REALLY know what they want. She may think she does not want your insecurities, but not realize that your insecurities boost her ego.

I would err on the side of caution and not show her insecurities (not that you have any!)

I died a tiny bit inside when you said you would be leaving for a year, but you clearly said you would have internet access so don't go leavin us behind!

To sweeten the deal and keep you around, you can even call me Woofie

I am very very proud of what you have accomplished ON YOUR OWN! Moving a mountain was a little hard, but you did it!


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
PP

As far as I can see and hear there is time, boodles of it.

PP isn't finished becoming PP. There is so much to know about PP.

Intimacy is best when you know so much about you that it can be shared. It isn't today is wonderful, or xyz occurred. It is about knowing who you are and your feelings. It is sharing your inner world with true honesty and openness with your partner.

It's raw and true, without the anaesthetic of substances. It first requires you are intimate with yourself. It is given a point of mutality with your true life partner and the gift of your inner world is based on love, love trust and respect.

It seems to me that PP is learning about that intimacy, is learning about who he is and what he needs from an R. I for one believe this is vital step before intimacy begins.

There is of course the naughty part of intimacy, even that requires we know our needs to share them.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
PigPen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
Originally Posted By: mutatio
That sounds great PP. My skill set is useful in under developed countries. I was thinking of volunteering some where in South America, Australia, India or China are interesting but I am not sure they would need me.

My problem is I am not rich and need to eat. If I volunteer I am not sure how I would sustain myself. Do you know about any of that?


I know that many volunteer organizations will provide a stipend for the volunteers Mutatio, enough to cover housing and food. Perhaps there's a way for you to mix in a bit of work as well. Thus you end up primarily volunteering but also working one day a week or on weekends to finance your venture.

Is what you do available as you being a consultant? When I took my Recover from BD trip early this year, I made money the whole time by consulting through Skype.

Where there's a will there's a way my friend. It sounds like your skill set would be valuable, and the experience would enrich you in ways you need. My attitude after realizing that D was happening was that nothing was impossible, I was completely free to either keep doing exactly what I was doing or make an entirely new set of rules since the old ones ended up being bullshit anyway.

Do some inquiry as to what it would take for you to be in those countries. If you kids are ok without your presence I'd say it's a strong move that you're going to live an amazing life no matter how often your W ignores you.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
PigPen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
Originally Posted By: Mona52
PP!!

I gotta throw my womanly opinion at you for what I think your wifey might be doing wink

She is asking you for 2 completely differently things. I think she is checking to see which one you give her.

On the one hand she is saying she had a problem with you being a bit needy about the R. She felt you had insecurities about her leaving. She wants NONE of that, and is worried to see it.

On the other hand, she wants you to open up to her, but if you show her you are insecure, like she is asking, you have just majorly broken her fear above.

Feel free to tell me if I am over-simplifying, but I would be a bit cautious about the 'sharing of feelings'. Unless, of course, those feelings are pre-approved by her.

I am not saying she is deliberately setting a trap. People don't REALLY know what they want. She may think she does not want your insecurities, but not realize that your insecurities boost her ego.

I would err on the side of caution and not show her insecurities (not that you have any!)

I died a tiny bit inside when you said you would be leaving for a year, but you clearly said you would have internet access so don't go leavin us behind!

To sweeten the deal and keep you around, you can even call me Woofie

I am very very proud of what you have accomplished ON YOUR OWN! Moving a mountain was a little hard, but you did it!


This was gold Mona, thank you so much for your perspective. This strikes at the core of some of my W and my communication issues. As I said, ask me anything and I'll tell you. She volunteered her info and I did tell her a bit about my life, but we were coming from two very different perspectives as LBH and WAS. If she had asked I would have honestly told her about everything I've done other than DB'ing.

I appreciate how you worded this, it does make sense to me. She's interested in what I've learned this year, in how the experience of the year has shaped me. If I weren't DB'ing I wouldn't even be talking to her and just to get it out there, it makes me happy on some level to talk about it. Not because I think it's going to get me anywhere but because she never thought it was possible in me and to this day says that she's light years ahead of me in personal development. That in itself really lets me know where she's at in her own development.

This isn't a competition but there's a certain flame that gets lit under the LBS that provides the impetus for massive change. While she played and bbq'ed all summer I read books, went to counseling, posted on here, spoke with coaches, and threw myself into self development - all with the hopes that it would bring her back. She didn't have that kind of incentive. I did. And it fueled me. Pain is one hell of a motivator. I've never worked so hard in my life to change.

Now I have the luxury of truly believing that she's not coming back so I can share with her without any underlying desire to win her over. Truthfully that makes me want to even hold back because much of what I've gone through this year and learned about myself is not to be shared with someone who is so callous with my feelings. Whether I'm legally married to her or not.

My year of travel is the same buffer that she's now got up with the D. I can share with her because underneath the sharing is "I'm gone for a full year and possibly forever if I find somewhere to stay or someone that makes me want to stay." as opposed to "Gosh I hope this changes your mind."

Now I'm rambling.

Thank you for your post, I'm sorry things have been hard with you. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard