My wife had an affair three years ago with a long time college friend that she knew before me. They never dated or admitted their feelings for each other until this point and that's when the flood gates opened. We were able to get past that and reconnect our marriage. She went no contact with him for almost three years and then broke the rule. three months after that they started sleeping together, I found out and we've separated. She says she's conflicted about ending our marriage but needs to see things through with the OM because of the potential for a wonderful relationship with him (long history, better communication etc).
So I'm doing my best to move on, keep her at arms length, follow all the rules. My question is whether or not I should move out of the house. We have a basement suite that I've been living in, it's made it easier to manage the transition with our daughter. Am I better off to stay in the house for proximity and staying top of mind (while detaching and not pursuing) or should I move out so that she is hit with the long term reality of how much harder things will be coordinating our daughters life etc. Currently we have strict rules about not bringing other people into the house or our daughters knowledge until we are sure they are someone who is going to be permanent (discuss first)and I have no concerns over either of us keeping that promise.
H-36 W-34 T-11 M-9 Daughter-8 Bomb 1st - 2011, 2nd 2015 Same OM Separated Aug 2015 (same house, separate suite)
Why would you move out of the house if your W is the one that wants out of the marriage? There are other things that you should be doing instead of moving out (or even to the basement).
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She refused to have him out of her life and wants to continue the relationship. At the time I felt like I had no options and that because of the resurfacing of the OM that this was going to go on and on so we both agreed to the separation.
Only reason why I'm moving out is that I don't particularly want the house (travel for work so don't need the hassle of caring for it alone) and she couldn't afford to live anywhere else (kid, dog, cat, parents near by). So the decisions on that front have all been fair and amicable.
She is well aware that I have forgiven her and want to continue the marriage (we've learned a lot about both our shortcomings, which are all fairly minor). Are you saying I should put my foot down on the divorce/separation process and move back into the house? Seems that is counter intuitive to not pressuring them to change their mind.
H-36 W-34 T-11 M-9 Daughter-8 Bomb 1st - 2011, 2nd 2015 Same OM Separated Aug 2015 (same house, separate suite)
So Sandi's post helped a bit but didn't specifically address the proximity issue. I speaking with one of the coaches I've been advised that staying close and focusing on friendship is the best route at this point. What I struggle to understand is finding balance between being a friend and letting them be a cake eater.
I would do favors for a friend and help them out with things (help them with a project, fixing their car etc) but in this scenario where do you draw the line of staying in the position of "Mr. Reliable" who she doesn't need to be married to in order to have all the support benefits while she is off getting her relationship fulfilled by another man.
Is it really the best idea to just let them have it both ways and wait for the affair to die?
H-36 W-34 T-11 M-9 Daughter-8 Bomb 1st - 2011, 2nd 2015 Same OM Separated Aug 2015 (same house, separate suite)
Is it really the best idea to just let them have it both ways and wait for the affair to die?
Runnr,
here is the deal...you are not just waiting. NOPE. You are going to start living your life for you, you are exploring those areas of your life you want to improve on for you, you are looking at the real reasons why your marriage started to fail (so that YOU can be a better husband in the future - for you!), so you can start to learn what makes you tick and how you can be a content, satisfied, loving human being.
You are going to GAL, get a life of your own to start to enjoy what the world has to offer you, and you are going to do this without your wife.
You are going to do your 180's and start to tear your fabric of yourself apart to figure out how to make you a better person, because quite honestly there is not a single soul who comes to this site as the BEST they can be...so you are going to start creating a new Runnr who IS going to be the best one possible.
You are going to learn what love is all about, how to forgive, give up resentment, understand how women tick...all these things will be tools you carry for the rest of your life - making you a better partner in the future. This is not for your wife, it is because you want to be, OK?
So lets put those running shoes on and start to walk towards a better runner. I would see if you can either paste your current posts from in here into the newcomers section, or see if the admins can help there...getting the whole thing transferred over...I think you will get more traffic on your thread.
I am so very sorry you are here, but I am glad you found us. You are going to do well.
So Sandi's post helped a bit but didn't specifically address the proximity issue.
Yes I did. Are you sure you read all five threads, or just one post?
Quote:
I speaking with one of the coaches I've been advised that staying close and focusing on friendship is the best route at this point. What I struggle to understand is finding balance between being a friend and letting them be a cake eater.
That's about the only part I disagree with them. The betrayed H and the wayward W are not going to see "friends" with the same point of view. You are already confused where to draw the line. She is not your friend, she's a liar, a cheater, a betrayer......need I go on?
In some WAW situations, you might could be friends......sort of. But when you have a wayward wife in an A? Forget it. However, that's just my opinion.
There is a time for friendship, but it's not when she's in an active affair with OM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So the posting basically says to stand your ground and don't move out. While normally I agree with that standpoint it simply doesn't work for me as I travel for work and from an insurance perspective it's a pain to leave a house unattended for 4-5 days at a time (among other things). So not staying in the marital space is best for me, it is also the inevitable path I will take if we divorce (my choice).
My question is should I move out of the house all together immediately so she gets the full reality and pain of her situation. Our finances are split, I don't do her any favors etc the only reality she hasn't been exposed to is how difficult it will be to not have her daughter in the same house as her and the conveniences when it comes to coordination, packing bags etc. To be clear we are in separate suites so think of it like having two apartments side by side.
So no, in all the threads I didn't see anything that specifically addressed this, just multiple things that sort of point to in. It says stay in the space and make her move and limit physical interaction. Maybe I missed something, please point it out directly if that's the case.
So that says to me I should get out and continue moving on with my life as I have been doing (and enjoying). I know I'll be fine without the marriage, it's just my preference to keep my family together.
Thanks for the help.
H-36 W-34 T-11 M-9 Daughter-8 Bomb 1st - 2011, 2nd 2015 Same OM Separated Aug 2015 (same house, separate suite)
Are you financing the marital home while she stays there?
Quote:
So no, in all the threads I didn't see anything that specifically addressed this, just multiple things that sort of point to in. It says stay in the space and make her move and limit physical interaction. Maybe I missed something, please point it out directly if that's the case. ( Read the sentence next to last. )
So that says to me I should get out and continue moving on with my life as I have been doing (and enjoying). I know I'll be fine without the marriage, it's just my preference to keep my family together.
What says to you that you should move out? It seems you have already made up your mind, so do what you want to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Others have suggested that if you move out you may be a risk of being accused of abandonment of your family. I don't know what that means in regards to a separation or divorce but it doesn't sound like something positive for you. Have a consultation with a lawyer before you actually move out to understand your rights and the risks of moving out.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
