[BrightFuture]

Job, FY, Heather, thanks for stopping by. I do feel better now. I still have that horrible cough, but at least I have more energy.

As for hearing the words of regret....it might not happen in the way that you would like it to be. Sometimes, it's just a word or a simple statement. They have a very difficult time of saying "I'm sorry, etc."

Job, I would be ok with a simple statement that there is a regret about what he is done and how he’s done it.

Heather, thanks for such a wonderful post. As I mentioned before, you are in inspiration. You amaze me with what you have done with your life, protecting your daughters, moving to a completely different place, getting the job that you wanted. I can go on and on.

I’ve been trying to think how I feel about my life in my house that used to be marital home. I don’t have the feelings of everything being dead. I don’t know. I have some moments when I want something new, but most of the time I feel pretty comfortable in my house and in my neighborhood. I’ve changed a lot. I discovered a lot about myself, I let go of some believes I had from my childhood, I let down some walls that I built over the years. It all still fits in my lifestyle I have right now. I don’t think I want to change it. Maybe to add a couple of things I always wanted to do, like volunteer work. I want to go back to dance lessons and learn something new. It is a matter of some motivation on my part, which I lost in the last few months. I just don’t have that much energy like other people have. Plus, I’ve been working two jobs and my main job has been pretty intense and exhausting.

As for the dreams… I’m kind of leaving my dream right now. As an immigrant who came to this country and pretty much had to start everything over, I’ve come a long way. I started my career anew when I moved here, at the age of 30. I had a brand new marriage and H who I thought was my soul mate and I felt lucky to have him in my life. I came with no money, with a suitcase of clothes, and my son, who needed to learn a new language, new environment, new rules, who had to accept a “new” dad, who left behind all the family he was used to. It was not easy…

With the exception of a soul mate (H), who bailed out on me, I pretty much achieved all I wanted in life. I have a job and career that I like, I have a house I can pay for, I have a son who turned into an amazing adult. I have family here now (my sister), and I love them. With a little bit of delay (that caused me a lot of grey hair by the way), my son is finishing the college and I have means to help him out paying for his classes and stuff, so he will not have any student debt when he is done. I have money for travel, if I want to. I have great friends. I am healthy.

The dreams I have right now… to have a partner to share my life with, to travel to the places I haven’t been to, and to the places I like. I want to retire when I’m 55 (not sure it this going to happen though, LOL.) I want to see my son to succeed in his life. I don’t know… maybe I’m not dreaming big enough…

[LoisB]

Thanks for the kind words.

Your dreams sound WONDERFUL.

You have never shared the specifics of what you have accomplished. Maybe I missed it? I knew English was your second language... But all the other stuff. Wow! You are so amazing.

How sad our spouses check out and lose out on such wonderful people.

Much love to you, with tons of hugs this Thanksgiving.

[BrightFuture]

Heather, thanks so much for your post. I rarely think that my accomplishments are that big of a deal. Only when I look at it from other people prospective I realize that I did great. I was not homeless, I moved in with H, but I had to contribute to our life from day 1. After a couple of years I was making 2 ½ times more than him, and then I became a primary bread winner. We were able to move to CA from a least expensive state, we were able to go on vacations, we were able to buy “stuff”, we were able to buy that vacation home (which he wants to claim as his own now and wants to live there)… Sometimes I think that H married me knowing that I could provide this lifestyle for him, LOL. It is like a Russian bride in reverse. I had one great advantage though – education. My parents didn’t give me much love, but they made sure I had an education, and I will be forever grateful for that.

Thanks for asking about my dreams. I know I can dream bigger…

So, I’m going to my BIL (H’s brother) for Thanksgiving tomorrow. And my sister and her family are invited too. Isn’t it bizarre, LOL. My son is going to come over too after he and his GF go to her Dad’s house. I hope H is invited to somebody’s family’s dinner tomorrow. Still not the same as being with his family… But… at least he would not be alone.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

[HaWho]

Hi Bright- Wow! Kudos to you. You have worked very hard! You deserve an equally substantive partner. You really do.

As for your goals, you have already accomplished so much and all on your own. Your dreams are beautiful.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[BrightFuture]

Thanks HaWho for your kind words

This weekend has been a bit thought for me. I’ve been keeping busy. Dinner on Thursday, B-day party yesterday, and another dinner at my sister’s house tonight. But… I feel sad and a little down, and maybe a little lonely in spite of all the activities and people around me.

I went to Thanksgiving dinner to my BIL’s house. My sister had to work, but her H and one of the sons came too. My son and his GF showed up later for the desserts. My BIL had his longtime friend and his son visiting. So, we had a small company. It was not as awkward as last year when BIL’s GF was in charge, LOL. We had a good time. As far as I know H didn’t text or call anybody (including my BIL, his brother), whishing a happy Thanksgiving, like he did for the first couple of years after BD. There was no text to anyone in my family last year either, but I know that my BIL got one.

It was after 8 pm when I texted H wishing him happy Thanksgiving. He replied later thanking me and wishing me the same. Then he asked if I did dinner at BIL this year again. I replied back confirming that and letting him know that everyone was still at BIL as well. He sent a text telling me to say hi to everyone. Which I did. I think everyone has a surprised look on their faces. My sister’s H asked me to tell H that he says hi too and happy Thanksgiving. So, I sent H a text telling him that everyone wished him a happy Thanksgiving and attached the smiley face at the end (I was happy and having fun after all, LOL.) Got crickets in return…

I just read my posts from the last year. Here is what Job posted to me back then:

Many of them don't acknowledge their family and friends when a holiday rolls around. I think your h is a very slow MLCer and he's just hit the spot where they don't have much contact.

This is the exactly same thing that applies this year, isn’t it. Except, last year, H was in that other state where he worked. It was cold and there was snow on the ground, which H hates. I don’t know what he did for Thanksgiving dinner last year, probably nothing, so it was understandable that he was not happy. This year he was in his favorite place, at his “home”, if you will, and I’m pretty sure he was invited for dinner to this crazy woman friend’s house. So, he should be happy.

I just don’t get this MLC stuff, or whatever it is. It looked like he was trying to reconnect with my son, keeping more in touch with his family, etc. And then… just ignoring everyone on this family holiday. It is just so weird to me. Maybe he found a new family in this crazy woman’s house, and now he doesn’t need any of his family (or what it used to be) anymore. Or, maybe it is another case of “hitting the spot”, like job said. But, this time it is actually different. This time it is supposed to be what he wanted, being at the vacation home with lots of friends… He is supposed to feel happy this year… Maybe it still doesn’t fix anything and doesn’t bring that happiness he is looking for. I might be wrong. But, all I know that happy people don’t behave like this.

[peacetoday]

I don't think these mlcers are Happy

I know they leave in order to create their destiny and happiness
I think for the most part they are broken
they leave to figure it out, to chase fun and pleasure
they may find some especially in the start
but after time passes I think they are just lost
and the path home is difficult or impossible

as hard as it is to understand the whys of it all and it sometimes makes no sense
I think they are just trying to survive
I believe they do not have much concerns about their past or future
they live for the fun moment and maybe they keep trying to create it
they will not find what they are looking for out there
we know it is an inside job
I doubt many of them kook within

[123Gwen]

Bright,

I have to keep reminding myself you can't rationalize the irrational. It is a no win situation because you are attempting to make sense of someone who is impulsive to the point of destruction and incapable of true reflection. Of course, this sounds like great common sense for the LBS in theory but it is incredibly hard to remember this when you are feeling low.

Bottom line is you have to focus on yourself to the point of outlandish selfishness. Bright please just focus completely on yourself.

[mleigh4]

Great posts above and all so wise. We try so hard to make sense of something that makes no sense! I truly believe it is all about looking within, and not many people are able to do that. I know so many unhappy older people who have lived their lives to blame everyone and everything for their unhappiness.

It scares me to death that my H will end up the same. We just don't know, so that's why it is important that we keep moving forward.

I am glad you spent your holiday with good company. ((Hugs))

[BrightFuture]

Peacetoday, I absolutely agree with everything you said. From I see and hear about H, it doesn’t look like he found his happiness. With the exception of the place he wanted to live at, even though he cannot be there full time, he needs to work and make some money. I often think that H might be having some regrets about him leaving like that, but at the same time, like you said, he might find the “path home is difficult or impossible”. He is definitely trying to survive. I’m just wondering how long he will try to live in the fun moment…

Bottom line is you have to focus on yourself to the point of outlandish selfishness.

Gwen, I like this a lot. And you are right, I’m trying to make sense of things, but forget that I “can't rationalize the irrational“.

mleigh4, it scares me too to even think that H might not be able to look within, to the source of his unhappiness. Looks like he is trying to do everything to avoid it.

I thought that I would feel much better for a couple of weeks, since Thanksgiving is over and there is some time until Christmas and New Year’s. It has actually been quite a struggle. There are a couple of things I think contributed to this. First, it is December and less than one month until our would be 20 year anniversary. These words of my Mexican GF keep popping up in my head more and more often, that H would deliver the D papers on our anniversary. I’m kind of waiting for another shoe to drop… I think that it might actually be a big relieve. But, the anticipation is just getting to me…

Another thing is that H is actually here, in my neighborhood… His brother had a knee surgery this past Thursday. He told us about it when we were at his house on Thanksgiving. We all offered to help to drive him to and from the hospital, be there with him, and do whatever he needs. He thanked us and told us that he would let us know if he needs any help. He never mentioned H coming over. So, on Thursday I texted him to wish him luck with the surgery and to let me know if he needs anything. I texted him next day and after that checking up on him. He replied to all my texts that he was fine and thanks for checking.

Then I had a suspicion that H might actually be helping him (after all, H is not working and has all the time in the world to help his brother), so I drove by my BIL house and saw H’s car. All that time when I was texting my BIL, he never revealed that H was here. It kind of irked me a bit, but it is their business, and my BIL doesn’t own me any explanation.

I texted my BIL yesterday asking him if he was feeling good enough to come over to my sister’s house for my nephew b-day ( I didn't know when H would be leaving.) He politely declined… and again, didn’t say anything about H. I think today they might be both at the football game (my BIL has season tickets.) I’m really curious if H went to the stadium. We used to have the season seats right next to my BIL. The season before the BD, H was acting very strange. He was annoyed with the new security procedures at the stadium and said that he would not be renewing the season tickets. I wonder if he already had his plans to leave and this was one of the “cutting ties” things.

For some reason it is a big secret that H is here. I’ve been struggling with a thought that he didn’t make any attempts to contact or meet with any other family, including my son. Then I realized that what I thought was a reconnection with my son when he was at the vacation home, was not real. They were always with groups of friends, so I don’t think H is ready to face my son on his own, alone…

I also realized how lucky I actually am, that H is nowhere around in my city, that he lives far away. This week I’ve been feeling some anxiety knowing that H is in the same neighborhood. We could easily cross paths on the road or at the store somewhere. I don’t even know how to describe the feelings I have. I just know that it has not been good for me. I feel rejection and indifference on his part towards me all over again. I’m battling with some depression because of that. I’ve been trying to stay afloat very hard, not to show any sadness or emotion to anyone around me. It is a hard work.

I only mentioned one thing to my sister last night, that I was disappointed that H didn’t contact my son while he is here. To which my sister gave me a very wise reply. She said that H might be in the state of mind (depression) that he doesn’t want to see anyone at this time.

Sorry for the long update again, and thanks for listening.

Some GAL updates. Went to a Bunco game on Friday. Had a lot of fun with the gift exchange. Yesterday was at my sister’s for a b-day dinner. My son and his GF came over too. We had a good time. Life is good!

[job]

Bright,
You can't rationalize irrational behavior and you need to find a way to let it go. Yes, I do understand that you are trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together and then everything would be all cleared up for you. I tried that too and no matter how hard you try, the pieces will not fit together because depression and their childhood issues are huge factors in what they are doing while in crisis. The best thing you can do it think about it a bit and then let it go.

I'm glad your BIL is recovering nicely from his surgery. It sounds like your h was there and helped him out a bit. Your BIL may have thought it was better that you not know about your h's visit because you may have become anxious or fretted about it. Also, you are technically separated and he didn't want to create more drama than necessary while he was recovering. At some point, he may tell you about the visit. If he does, listen to what he has to say. If he doesn't mention it, don't ask.

Your sister is absolutely right...maybe he didn't want to see anyone at this time. It takes a lot of effort and energy for depressed people to socialize and yes, put on that happy mask to convince others that they are fine.

Bright, keep the focus on you. The holidays are coming fast...what are your plans? Time to think about doing some fun GALing projects. Bright, I assure you, the answers will be revealed when you sit quietly and when you least expect them.