no clue where Wife is, cant see past the FOG

[Irish M]

Small update
Girls still haven't seen their mom in now close to 150 days
No contact at all for over 90

W has stopped seperation talks and is just living her new life life we probably don't exist

I've decided not to go back to see W father who is sick. It's too difficult for my D's to be there without their mom.
Also it upset FIL last time we were there. He went on about how he is mad at his D for neglecting the girls

Prepared the house with XMas lights outside. We are all looking forward to XMas even though W is not here.

Went in a date last night. Clearly I'm not ready. It was nice , got a lot of compliments and I returned them as well. Was very gentlemen like. Open doors, eye contact , good conversation . But at the end of t, it didn't feel right

We will see as time goes on

[job]

I am sorry that your girls haven't seen their mother in a while, but that is usually the case w/runaway spouses. They do not want to be reminded of family and responsibilities that they've left behind. It's such a shame because they miss out on a lot of the things that their children do from day to day.

I'm sure that if you pressed her about the marriage, she would begin the talks of separation/divorce once again. As long as you do not rock the boat, you won't hear any talk of divorce.

I'm sorry to hear about your FIL and the fact that he's sick. He doesn't understand what his daughter is doing and there's nothing you can do about it. If he tries to speak to her about her behavior, she'll not visit w/him again for a long time.

Christmas will be here before you know it and it's time to create some new traditions. I'm glad to see that you've been busy decorating. I'm sure you and your daughters will have a nice time even though your wife will not be around...but we can't predict what the future will hold and she might contact them around that time...time will tell.

Give yourself some time before jumping off the diving board of dating. It's nice to have some companionship of the opposite sex, but maybe you aren't ready to do it on a routine basis. Give yourself some time to heal and go from there.

I think you've been doing a wonderful job of taking care of yourself and your daughters. You've got a good handle on what is going on w/your wife and you've stepped back and given her time and space. I do hope that she wakes up some day and realizes that what she was looking for was right in front of her the entire time, i.e., husband, family and a nice home.

Try to enjoy your week!

[Irish M]

Thanks for the reply Job.

It's so amazing the support here. Always positive and reassuring.

I wish I didn't have to remind myself constantly that W is not well, that she is no longer herself. That she is in Lalaland. My D's remind me as well as I do them. We are a strong bond and W was part of that. She has missed so much. Those with teens know how fast they change into adults.

I know in my heart she will wake up.

My D15 is so excited , even planning her decorations to Her room. Wants a white XMas too. So far here in Canada where I am , no snow.

Why is it we, speaking for myself , forget it's a decease and start to drift off into the thought of maybe they are normal. Maybe they (the MLcr) just wanted out. That the person we knew was never really the real them. Now what we see is the real person. My D's are questioning if W was ever the loving person we thought we knew. They are saying more and more that I wa the one that was always there for them to talk, volunteer at school , plan vacations.

Now I know my W was an important person to us. I think it's the girls venting and seeing her in a different way since she left . Maybe this way its like a self defence on the pain they feel. Making them less hurt by saying she was never a close mother at all. So they feel less loss.

We know we have our journey to furfill . W can look from the outside-in.

I'm still loving my life and girls . My familly

[kml]

It can be difficult, distinguishing between the changes that are temporary and due to the crisis, and traits that were there all the time that we didn't see.

I've struggled with this. I know intellectually that in our 26 years together there was great love and intimacy. And there were a lot of classic MLC factors when he left.

But now, several years after the divorce, I'm amazed at the things I didn't see, or ignored, or accepted in our marriage. I see that the loving dad who did lots of activities with his kids, really was only willing to do the things that HE wanted to do. That the loving husband offered love that was conditional, love that I was always trying to win. That he wanted me to be interested in everything he was interested in, but couldn't be bothered to listen to ideas that excited me. That his infidelity early in our marriage, and 16 years in, weren't isolated slips, but part of a pattern that probably went deeper than I knew.

Now your wife sounds more like a manic episode or some other acute psych issue. I think there's a chance she will wake up and wonder how she got there. But if your daughters are starting to point out issues that your wife always had, there may be things you were ignoring.

[peacetoday]

I think its also hard to know

I remember being so confused that my XH was stealing money from our business

having an affair and becoming SO unavailable for his kids

He was always a good dad and spent time with them especially our first born

He seemed to become so different . and even till this day where there is NO contact
No caring of his kids and their day to day lives
I don't get it
but I have chosen to accept it
hopefully your Wife will realize what she is missing,
as for today, we keep moving forward

[Irish M]

Hi KML

Yes manic that's for sure. A lot of bipolar in her family. So many stories came out after her departure
I got a message from her today. She has to transfer me child support since she gave me full custody.

It's always short of the full amount. Never any excuse or contact . It's done through bank transfer.

Funny thing is she has to assign a password along with a hint phrase so I could guess the password.

Today's was " my youngest daughters name in which I adore so much"

How could a mother use this and not even want to see them . Like she's thinking it but her il was is preventing her from doing it

anyway . 2nd partial payment out of 6 . I don't ask for the missing 4 full payments. I Just reply thanks

[Irish M]

Hi peAce , so good to hear from you.

I too have accepted it deep down.
It's the residue of things that remind me of her that brings me back to the sadness of her gone.

I also compare other wife's of friends and I still think, I know she was loving and my best partner and friend I could find.

Still I'm still in the beginning of this marathon . So time will tell

Hope you had a nice U.S thanksgiving

[peacetoday]

Irish

Yes..it is a marathon
and every story has a different ending
some of us never really know what the result will be

I had a very vivid dream of XH last night
Its like 9 years, and Im in a new R for the past 6 plus years
but the dream seemed so real -
it was really nice to see XH and have a connection in the dream
i kept saying to xh -we are just friends now and that is ok

when it turns upside down for her, you will probably here from her-

hope you have a good night

[Irish M]

Peace

Dreams are tough. I have them now and again. When I wake up I have to think about it and bring myself back to reality.

For it turning upside down, I'm not sure she would reach out. She is a person that always had to much pride. If the decision was made failed she will be too ashamed to show her face. In a dispute, she would put up a wall and I would always have to start the communication to fix an issue. She'd sweep it under the rug.
She was someone who put herself in a bubble and she needed space. Even with the girls. She would have an argument about something so simple as the girls left the milk out. She would tell them in a way that would spark attitude in a teen. Small frustration would occur and W would know that she went overboard. She would not go see the girls and settle things. She'd wait until they came to her.

This would never last more than a day.

It brings us to now. I know her thinking is along side her moms. MIL always says " if you love someone set them free, if they come back it was meant to be."

I agree to this but W cutting D's off and saying " they will contact me when ready"
In this MLC this ain't going to work. After all the hurt W has caused D's.... They are not going to make the first move. D's have lost all trust in W. W will have to work triple time to repair the damage she has done. The longer this goes the greater chance will be that W losses D's forever.

My neighbours EXW did the same. His D was 10 at the time. She's now 22.
Took her 10 years to start seeing her mom. Once a year for a 2 hour lunch on her birthday. Even that she told me is too much.

[peacetoday]

I believe if a MLCer parent was sincere and tried to reestablish a relationship with a child they had abandoned and the LBS was not interfering,
I do think most children would speak with the parent if the parent was sincere..it may take some time

I guess we never know who they have changed into during MLC, so its hard to say how they will act in the future
I have read different stories posted here over the years and I guess it is best to keep
focusing on ourselves and playing out in our mind a positive ending:

like for me, I play out this: I hope one day my xh reaches out with true sincerity and establishes a connection with his kids..It may never happen but I choose to think positive and let it go. and I will give it time as much time a needed and I wish him the best
this way I am not resentful , I don't talk bad about him and I am grateful that my kids are ok and we all landed on feet