Forgiveness is one of the things I have been thinking alot about this month. Maybe it is the season of thanking or the overall holiday spirit of the next couple of months. I also keep thinking it simply may not be the right time for it. I mentioned forgiving a little too early and it did no good. It instead was interpreted as weakness and possibly some pursuing. As they say here timing is everything . . .
It is a very interesting concept especially if, as you point out Sotto, one person has erred significantly more than the other. I agree that even if one's "fault" is 10%, that is still his/her part for which forgiveness can be sought.
However, I think there are many ways of asking for forgiveness besides categorically verbally asking for it. For example, if a spouse strays outside the marriage and it is the other person who suggests couples counseling, that is a way, in my opinion of asking forgiveness. It is a way of saying none of us is perfect and I too could benefit from counseling.
When the one who erred 10% continues to want to work on the marriage that too is a subtle but genuine way of asking for forgiveness.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I too have read so many times on here about forgiveness and apologizing for my part in this. I did apologize to my H a little in the beginning, but there is no way I could do that right now. Not after the last 2 years of his behavior. So I say this may be something that takes time, wounds to heal, then we may be at a place where we could do that.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I have owned the part I played. I understand that how I acted during our marriage, whether caused by how he treated me or from my own insecurities and demons, affected h and our m.
Having this time away from our m forced me to address my own demons which in turn has made me change myself, I have grown as a person as a result. If h had not left me, it is doubtful I would have done the internal work required to make me who I am today.
I did not say anything to my h until he was back in my life and we started talking reconciling. I feel we both need to own the individual parts we played for us to move forward.
On a side note to forgiveness - One of my demons was that I held a lot of anger and bitterness towards my mother, by the time I figured out that by holding on to all this negativity it was affecting me, in turn h and my sx2, h was verging on BD. I knew I had to forgive her. Sadly she died before I had my epiphany, so I burnt some of her negative letters to me and put the ash in box, I wrote a letter of all the hurtful things she did, then all the good things she bought into my life, I ended by thanking her. I took the ash, the letter and her favorite flowers to the sea (we scattered her ashes in the sea), I read the letter out loud, I put the ash in the waves, returning them to her as I did not want her negativity in my life any longer, I then put the flowers in the waves to give her kindness and something beautiful. That was it, never looked back. Forgiven and let go.
I don't feel you have to be faced with the person you are forgiving or seeking forgiveness from, if you own the part you played within yourself then that is a huge move forward.
Sotto, thanks for sharing your Divorce Recovery Group experience. I completely understand how you feel about that “asking for forgiveness” part. I felt the same way. I wanted to apologize for my part in our M going sour, but would never think about asking for forgiveness. I’m slowly coming to a realization that I would want to do it one day.
I agree with everyone here, that there must the right time for this. I know that I’m not quite ready to initiate it, but if he would initiate a R talk or wants to reconcile, like in Lou’s case, I think I could do it.
Lou, what a great post! This ^^^^^
Originally Posted By: LouR
I have owned the part I played. I understand that how I acted during our marriage, whether caused by how he treated me or from my own insecurities and demons, affected h and our m.
Same here. Now I can actually see how my actions and insecurities affected our M, and quite frankly I do feel sorry for H for what he had to take from me sometimes.
And this ^^^^^
Originally Posted By: LouR
Having this time away from our m forced me to address my own demons which in turn has made me change myself, I have grown as a person as a result. If h had not left me, it is doubtful I would have done the internal work required to make me who I am today.
I’ve been dealing with the issues from my childhood, and I’m too a very different person now. Sometimes I cannot even understand why I did certain things and behaved in certain way. I enjoy life a lot more now.
Sotto, I’m glad that the Divorce Recovery Group is helping you, and I’m glad that you are feeling better now. Happy Thanksgiving!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Guys, thanks for your comments....they are much appreciated. And Lou, thanks in particular for sharing about your Mum. That was very moving and helped me too.
Well, gosh it has been a busy few days. The Thanksgiving Supper was great! Food all turned out well, and we raised £600 for charity too. Yesterday was bookstore and then I treated myself to a completely different hairstyle. It's quite a radical change.....but, I'm worth it Today was a calligraphy workshop, and then I'm taking my Dad out to see a movie tomorrow.
I bought the Healing from Divorce book by Jim Smoke, and have read the first few chapters. It's structured in the same way as the divorce recovery workshop I'm doing, and so I'm revisiting themes we already looked at. There are just two sessions left for the workshop, and I'll be sad when it finishes. But I have made a new friend who lives in my town and she & I have shared lifts a couple of times now. I think we'll keep in touch when the course finishes, plus there's a social scene for former participants and I joined the mailing list for that.
All quiet with H. After the event, I realised his last email to me was sent at 10.30pm and was innessential really. Just updating me about something that may happen and apologising for missing my B'day (don't worry H...you missed it last year too...and the anniversaries... ) I do find that if I sit back long enough, he does initiate with something...I do have to sit back for a few weeks for that to happen though.
Reading the healing from D book, I do wonder if it is healthy for me to still be 'hanging on in there' any more. I get that it isn't healthy to jump into a R with someone else too soon. And I know the theories about MLC and the PA and so on. But TBH, I'm not even sure I would want to save the M at this point. I guess I'm just working on the basis that, even if I didn't want to save things, I wouldn't tell H anyway, and it is too soon to date, and I am still a little mixed up - so may as well carry on as I am for now.
Anyway - hope everyone is having a lovely weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto, Please don't rush the process. You need time to heal. You will know when you are ready, i.e., as the other posters have pointed out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today was a calligraphy workshop, and then I'm taking my Dad out to see a movie tomorrow. 
) I do find that if I sit back long enough, he does initiate with something...I do have to sit back for a few weeks for that to happen though. 