Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,088
D
dday Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,088
Something else from this week. W complained that I didn't answer the calls that were supposed to be from S7. I only have 1 listed on my phone, and I was in the L office. Then, today she tells me that her parents were coming over this afternoon. Don't know why she told me that. And, in my mind, her parents probably came over to do the decorating and take my place. That thinking gets me nowhere, but that is where my head is.


35
3 boys
Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
T
tl2 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
dday,

Yeah but the great thing is you get to make a decision about where your head is going to be. Use that power!

In my M, my W and I went through a very bad period for a few years where my job was a dead end, we were in tens of thousands of dollars of debt, etc.

It took a while, but I buckled down...had to give up some family time and activities, but I successfully learned a new career, worked very hard and advanced quickly (took a couple calculated risks as well as getting lucky), and in the end got a better job in a better town with better schools. Got all the debt paid off (no bankruptcy!) by moonlighting and got us into a nicer house.

To this day I have never gotten any sincere expressions of appreciation for any of that from her. A few years back we ended up in an argument and she supported her claim that I don't follow through on anything by criticizing me for not having cut down a tree in the backyard that I wanted down. I said, what about all the debt, career changes, house, etc.? Why do you always find something wrong with me instead of looking at the good things I've done/am doing?

She had no answer. She did not apologize. She just quit talking about it...she's very passive-aggressive.

But in the end, if all they do is criticize and all they see are negatives...and even have to make non-issues into major negatives...that tells you exactly where their heads are at.

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see, bro.

Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,088
D
dday Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,088
Thanks tl2, I worked tons of OT over the last few years. Paid off everything by the time we were 32. Nice home, 2 decent cars, etc. Then we moved to a bigger house in a town we wanted to be in. She has a brand new ride, I gave mine up since I was commuting and bought a little car.

After all of that, she is mad that I have worked so much and missed out on things at home. I never missed a ballgame. Missed 1 church program when I was sick. But that is what is remembered right now.

So, I too have sacrificed, and was penalized for it. I have been demonized. I have definately screwed up over the years, but it was little things that apparently added up. My W is passive aggressive too. We would have a big blowup once or twice a year instead of a conversation when the little stuff happened.

That is why I am here. The biannual arguments, according to her, made her fall out of love.


35
3 boys
Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
T
tl2 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
Well that's pretty interesting. Many similarities between your sitch and mine...and your W and mine.

I think you're a good guy. None of us is perfect. She isn't either and has some issues of her own to deal with.

You have done right by your family. Your kids are still young and you haven't missed out on much. And you've given them a good, nice, safe life. Lots of life still ahead.

Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
T
tl2 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
Also at different times I've been told "I didn't love you or want to marry you when I did"..."I used to love you but you killed it for me"...and everyone's fave, ILYBINILWY.

We just have to release them to what they think they want right now. It's their journey.

Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,088
D
dday Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,088
Exactly, and the future is uncertain. But that is always the case. My ic/priest told me that whatever she is going through could have started years before she met me. That thought had never occurred to me. Doesn't change anything, but it could be the truth.

And I have heard those lines too. It's their journey, you are right.

Last edited by dday; 11/30/15 12:27 AM.

35
3 boys
Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,088
D
dday Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,088
We have S8 travel basketball tonight. I haven't heard from W since I dropped off my changes to the settlement proposal. I'm sure that she didn't take it well, as it's the first time that I have stood up for myself in months. So there will be, I assume, tension. I didn't ask for anything unfair, I just can't roll over and let her take everything either. I still hope to find the woman I married someday, but the more I look the more I notice that she is gone. I sure hope she comes back. I'd cut off an arm to have that girl back, not so much with what she's become though.


35
3 boys
Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,088
D
dday Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,088
I am pretty nervous about tonight. Again, I feel I asked for what is fair. I hope this doesn't turn ugly, because I stood up for myself and my boys. Hard to have a today, as this just stinks.


35
3 boys
Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
Originally Posted By: dday
I hope this doesn't turn ugly

Yeah. For sure.

But, remember that it wont be because of you. Im sure she is going to fight you on something....mostly, just because she can.

This is not about you.

Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
T
tl2 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
If she's like my W and you're like me, she's used to getting her way with you, and knows how to push your buttons.

If it were me, and she tried to engage that, I'd simply ask her what she would like to see, and respond with nothing more than something like, "Since this is such an important decision with long-term consequences, I will think about it, talk with my attorney/advisors/whomever, and get back to you."

Even if you want to agree with her or actually do, I would say and do nothing, and commit to nothing.

That might also be a good 180 for you. The way you show her you will be ok without her in the future is to accept that, based on the current situation, your future does not include her so you are making the best decisions for you and the kids.

Keep to the high road. Lead. I hope it doesn't turn ugly too but if it does, be cool, detached, and calm and it will ultimately work out for the best for you.

Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard