in house S (5)

[vise82]

Hey,

Her is my old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2622610&page=10

So my W has opened the talks on selling the house. I am going to email her that is not my focus right now. This is after weeks of no R talks and peace and quiet. OK Ill see where this takes me.

[gs9]

Vise,
Keep it short and to the point. It's not your focus right now. I don't think she can make you sell the house.

Also, don't let this contest be the reason to sell. I'm a Realtor and I wouldn't be surprised to find out that everyone wins. It is probably a free listing commission on the sellers side but you most likely still need to pay the buyers agent commission. I offer sellers a discounted listing commission in order to secure the relationship so I can help them buy their next home. I look at it as one contract containing 2 homes rather than 2 separate transactions.

[vise82]

hey,

Just had a big blow up. I tried to keep my cool, I slipped up a couple of times. I tried to validate. I need more practice.

W was pushing me to accept the S and for me to start talking about things. I said I was going at my own pace and doing things on my own time, what was best for me and the kids. She took that as she wasn't looking out for the kids.

It was the issue of the joint account that she is using as her slush fund. there is a child benefit that we both should have use of and she is using that to pay for stuff she wants.

She start blaming me again for opening up my own checking account and not giving her access to it. I said that I would start to pay for all the bills now and ask her for her half. She didn't like that and was saying why now when it doesn't matter are you interested in that?

Then it got bad and she was threatening getting a L if I didn't move on things, I called her out on that threat. THEN SHE TELLS ME SHE DIDNT LIKE THAT I WASNT HAPPY WITH THE NEWS OF HER FATHER WAVING ALL THE INTEREST ON THE MORTGAGE. I said that it looks like he is trying to pay me off to divorce you. wrong thing to say as I had to back track and she starts defending the honour of her dad. And that she will take the money then if I didn't want it.

It went on

then I said that I didn't feel comfortable talking to her about this stuff because I feel she always tries to force her ideas on me and fluff off my ideas, like the joint account for house and kids expenses. Like how she is fighting against that. I asked why haven't you written a S agreement, she said she was worried that anything she writes down I will want the opposite.

I was stressing that I need to get my stuff in order first, I am looking out for me and need get my stuff together before I can think of moving. she was pushing for a date. I didn't feel comfortable right now to give one. she left it that when I have a date we can talk.

She was saying it not normal to be living like this and we cant go on living like this. I said I didn't either and that I never wanted this and that I want us to work on us and a new MR. I think she thought I was crazy for wanting that. She wants out so bad and cant see any other solution to this MR.

[vise82]

Hey GS9,

thanks for that insight. My W was a relator for a while and I supported her with it, it was tough with money not coming in for months then a lot of money all at once. Ultimately she did not follow the advice of the seasoned relator she was working with and kids came along and that was the end of it. But not with out some debt for advertising that we put on a credit card that I wish was in her name right now.


Water under the bridge.

After sleeping on it, I think the talk although not ideal, I will look at the positives. I was honest and shared my thoughts, I stood up for myself. and she ultimately listened to my concern allowing me to come up with a date of selling the house.

As I left for work this morning there was no good morning just instructions on what to do with the kids when I get home ( start putting up the Christmas tree). I didn't reply and she asks OK? and I just stared at her wanting to say you don't get to boss me around, but I was planning on doing that anyway, kids have been asking for two days now to the point of crying about it. I just said ok.

Things I don't get, Why is she giving such a hard time with the split bank accounts. What is the big deal if she wants to live in a separate places she is only going to have her own money anyway. She is refusing to put her pay check in her own account because they hold it for 3 days. And she is saying she cant buy Christmas gifts with her own account because the debit visa is attached to the joint account. And the two purchases were gifts from the kids to her brothers fiancée and from the kids to her mother. Then she says bills don't get paid if. I am going to have to push for this harder.

Then she was saying why does she even have to use her own account.. because you want me to??

I thought it was going to be a quiet month. I want to call it quits but then I see my S4 this morning so innocent. I am so torn right now. Do I even want to live with this woman that does not have an inch of love for me. She was yelling again, I had to ask her to stop yelling, And it was over me asking her about transactions with the bank account. And she wonders why I don't want to talk to her about things, that's a reason.

[vise82]

hey,

This is just some thoughts,

I am thinking of letting this take it course. I need to be moving on this. I think the house has to sell anyway. We cannot afford it. I am not afraid of living on my own, I have done it before I met my W.

So What am I afraid of? good question. I am afraid of losing the dream, being married house two kids ect. My W is my Dream girl. Maybe it is a dream and I did not see it for what it realy is, disfuntional.

I am afraid of the rejection, of being left behind, not being loved.

It hurts to realize that someone you gave your heat to with all its imperfection does not want you.

I am afraid that adult problems are going to mess up our kids.

I am afraid of change. Though I have move enough to know there is always a place to live that will fit you just have to look.

I am afraid of looking like a failure with regards to the MR.

Through the whole conversation my W never mentioned D. It was me that said it. She just wants for us to physically separate, she was saying that what we were doing was not separation. We were not separate enough for her. I guess she wants the full experience of separation. She was in so much pain talking about it.

[vise82]

hey,

W just emailed me like nothing is wrong, she gave me a list of toys that the kids will want to buy and then saying that we will put up and decorate the tree and get some food.

Looks like we get to play house tonight for our kids. I will have to get my smile ready.

[Flight]

I could have written your note about your fears. I have all of the same one. I heard some wisdom that said to write down all the things you are thinking, what you would lose, why you would stay, and then cross out all the fear-based responses. You WILL be able to find someone else, you CAN buy another house, etc. Emotions are not our friends. If would could just look at it like a business transaction and see if it was a net gain or loss, our decisions might be easier.

[vise82]

Hey Flight,

Yes emotion, it comes and goes, I have learned on this forum to not base decisions on emotion or feelings because they change.

So I had a big blow out with my W as I wrote about previous. After I felt better, more connected because of getting some things out in the open. The mood was calmer the days following. We are more relaxed and we interacted with the kids and us like it was normal, no arguing and everything seemed to fit. The only couple of hiccups were I seen the neighbor messaged my W and that got to me but I let it go and she is leaving dirty dishes for me to clean. We took the kids to places together we ate meals together and W offered to go to my GAL soccer with the kids. Things were like what they used to be not great but we were functioning well together like a team.

But that all ends when the kids are in bed.

We go to our separate areas in the house and that is it till the morning. Partly that is my choice and me DBing. Its weekends like this that I would like to make a move to connect. DB is to wait till my W makes the move. I will continue with what I am doing.

It hurt me when my W during the argument said that we have not been separated all these months. It felt like all the pain I was feeling she did not feel it. its like she is saying all the lonely nights didn't happen.

I also think she is thinking of having the kids full time, that is why she does not want to write up a S agreement. Why else would she be looking at house in a different city? This has almost made me want to break my silence on the subject. Does she really think that I will just give up on my kids. The only way I can see is 50 / 50. One week her one week mine. That would require us to live in the same city, with at least one of us in the school zone. Time will tell what she wants.

[sandi2]

It hurt me when my W during the argument said that we have not been separated all these months. It felt like all the pain I was feeling she did not feel it. its like she is saying all the lonely nights didn't happen.

Vise, when will you accept the fact she does not see things the same as you? She doesn't "feel" separated b/c the two of you are still under the same roof......which is too close for her.

The pain and loneliness didn't happen for her! It happened only for you.

[vise82]

Hey Sandi,

Its hard to believe that she does not feel separated. We have no physical contact anymore, none. The most we have had is when we were decorating the Christmas tree and her finger touched mine as she handed me an ornament.

How can she not feel anything? It has been months now of being in this sitch.

I have read Flights thread and to see how his changed to a point that he had enough and told his W that he would not have an open MR was something that will stick with me. Because I know my W has it in her head that we are S and so much so that she is willing to entertain the idea of OM, secretly though.

This is a boundary that I feel is something I am going to have to give if she overtly says she is looking for other men. She is leaving her phone and ipad open for eyes to see but I don't look. I feel she leaves it out as a way of communicating to me, but I refuse to take the bate.

I don't understand why is she ok with me going to her parents house for Christmas, allowing the kids to not know what their parent relationship is, with about a month to go, More then enough time to get the S agreement sorted. Yet she does no work on it. and she complains that we are still in the same house.

If she wants out so bad why is she dragging her feet??