Today I woke up wondering why I'm even trying. I know 5 months is nothing in DB time, but it felt like I was making progress. Real progress. And I thought I saw signs my wife was trying. Instead, I got kicked in the groin.... I guess all the things my W was doing to help out/make me feel better about the relationship was just a rouse.
I'm left feeling something akin to hatred for my W and her lies. So many words I want to write, but they would all be censored... I don't like it, but it is what it is and where I'm at. I will work through the emotions.
But in the meantime, I need to get back to GAL. Happy Monday everyone!
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
One should not underestimate the courage it takes to heal from a human betrayal. Betrayal invariably affects the psyche to its deepest roots. When it is made conscious, it is experienced as a threat to one’s own being, and the path toward healing is paved with pain. Diane Courineau Brutsche, Jungian Analyst
Thank you for your kind words mutatio. I try to be strong, but I feel my strength is fleeting, just an illusion.
I'm afraid I'll find out that I can only heal so many times before I become permanently scarred. And then what? Never love again? Never be able to fully commit myself to the pursuit of happiness? That is not a fate I wish upon anyone
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
SciDad, you have it within you to decide when enough is enough. You can reframe your thinking from "I am being permanently scarred" to "I am capable of so much more selflessness and strength than I ever thought possible, this is making me a stronger and more loving person." And that can be true. At any time that becomes not true, and you feel that you are truly done, you can walk away.
You have more power than you think. Do not give your power away.
And do not make any decisions today, or based on emotions. Think carefully, let these feelings ride out, and then when you are feeling calmer make a rational choice. You can do it. Either way, you are not going to let this destroy you.
No decisions will be made today. If nothing else I have proven to myself that I know when I can and can't be rational. Now I am not rational. Tomorrow? Doubtful. But at some point I will be able to process my situation and be able to reevaluate.
I acknowledge my power, but (to paraphrase Stan Lee) with great power comes great responsibility. These decisions do not only affect me, or even my my children (though they are my biggest concern right now). This is why I pause to regroup.
I guess what doesn't help is that I've been exploring my own psyche a lot lately as I try to improve myself and I've come across some pretty big skeletons I thought I had dealt with. Feelings of family betrayal, alcoholism, not feeling loved, abuse I've never told anyone about. These still haunt me more than I realized and play a huge role in how this is impacting me.
I know rationally I will be fine. I am always fine and will always survive. Irrationally, I wish things were easier, and that people would love me for who I am.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Today I woke up wondering why I'm even trying. I know 5 months is nothing in DB time, but it felt like I was making progress. Real progress. And I thought I saw signs my wife was trying. Instead, I got kicked in the groin.... I guess all the things my W was doing to help out/make me feel better about the relationship was just a rouse.
What are you referring to, exactly?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry Sandi. my emotional state=lack of details. I feel a bit better after having lunch with some friends. Even though they don't know the situation it feels nice to get out.
Quote:
How many times has she betrayed you?
Yeah, I was being a bit melodramatic... One large betrayal involving her EA, 3 times I've caught her lying about it. 1st was when I initially found out. 2nd was a few months later when I found her texting him again. 3rd was yesterday. In retrospect, this probably counts as one betrayal, not 3....
Quote:
What are you referring to, exactly?
Sorry... I was/am a blubbering mess... Broadly speaking, the gains I saw involved her asking about me in a way that made me think she cared.
1) I sprained my knee one morning and she made a point of checking in with me all day to see if I was OK. It made me feel like she cared because up until recently she would have thought I was being melodramatic and not asked. 2) When I show even the slightest frustration at something at home she offers to help (not at all the norm for her). 3) She started thanking me for the little things I do - making coffee, washing the cars, making dinner. It made me feel appreciated. 4) She took an interest in the hobbies I've been starting for GAL (mainly music). She used to say they annoyed her. 5) She has made a conscious effort to talk with me about our days and struggles suggested we were approaching emotional intimacy. 6) She started spending time with me while we were home. It usually just involved watching tv, but it was better than her hiding in another room as she'd been doing previously. And lastly (and most sickening to me now) her 7) attempts at (non-sensual) physical touch gratified my need for physical intimacy.
I originally viewed these actions as improvements in our relationship, but I now wonder if they are just attempts to appease me while she was at home, with an end goal of her going off and see the OM. Were they a smoke screen or genuine feelings? I know see my wife as a people-pleaser to a fault. She'll say whatever I or the OM want to hear, but I don't know what or if she means any of it.
Is there any way to know?
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Just realized I should update you about the rest of yesterday. After shopping for 4 hours she came back with only one item. A new laptop for me. WTF? Was she trying to buy me off? Do I accept it? I could definitely use a new one...
She said traffic was a bear and it took almost two hours to get to the mall (it's across town from our house) and that once she got there she couldn't handle the craziness in the toy store so she left after 30 minutes without anything. Then she went to the computer store where it took over an hour.... Not sure the timeline works out, but I'm still disappointed in myself for mentally trying to check.
WAIT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? It doesn't really matter if she saw the OM or not. It really shouldn't even matter if she wanted to see the OM or not. Really, none of it should matter to me, yet all of it does.
Aaaarrrggghhhh!!!
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Just realized I should update you about the rest of yesterday. After shopping for 4 hours she came back with only one item. A new laptop for me. WTF? Was she trying to buy me off? Do I accept it? I could definitely use a new one...
She said traffic was a bear and it took almost two hours to get to the mall (it's across town from our house) and that once she got there she couldn't handle the craziness in the toy store so she left after 30 minutes without anything. Then she went to the computer store where it took over an hour.... Not sure the timeline works out, but I'm still disappointed in myself for mentally trying to check.
WAIT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? It doesn't really matter if she saw the OM or not. It really shouldn't even matter if she wanted to see the OM or not. Really, none of it should matter to me, yet all of it does.
Aaaarrrggghhhh!!!
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
SciDad it sounds like you are doing a lot of introspection and that is so great. Have you been or are you goin( to a counselor ? Also- I am intrigued by your name. Can you explain it?
