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Hi all,

And my apologies for stopping writing for so long. My last post was dated 8/13/15 and since then a lot has happen. A lot, but nothing really changed.

My D was final on 8/5 and I went really down on myself after that. It was indeed the most difficult time of my life.

I made it, still alive and moving. How? As a very strong person at times and a complete mess on some other times.

My XH has since been very present in my life, to the point that on 8/29 we spent a night together at a hotel. We talked a lot about us. Well, stupid me tough it was some progress and stupid me had high hopes, and stupid me saw it as nothing more then a big "nothing".

Then we had some more interactions because the kids, because his traveling, work, etc. Sometime beginning of October I found myself in bed with him again.

Yes, stupid Pink fell for it again and just to break my heart once more. He talk the talk, says a million times that he regret what he did but it is just that. Him feeling sorry for himself.

You think I learned my lesson?... and yes, you are perfect right, I did. Things are changing slowly, too slow for many people around me. But I am finally doing it.

I could be ashamed of how I behaved, but I decided it was the result of so much pain at once. I forgave myself and I am picking up my pieces that were crashed so hard, they are scattered everywhere.

Life is not perfect now, but I am trying to gain some balance.

So where I stand now?

XH's list:
1. I was a complete jerk with you during our M.
2. I did not treat you well and you deserved so much better.
3. I regret so many wrongs I did.
4. By my only choices, I built a life of only unhappiness.
5. I am very lonely.
6. I am broke financially and I do not know if things will improve or get worse next year.
7. You are a beautiful woman and I am an idiot because I lost you.
8. I am not the one that wanted the D, you were out of the M earlier.
9. I know you were having an EA with your boss and I decided to give you freedom to make your life with someone else.
10. I tough I was doing you a favor to D you, and now I see that I was so wrong.
11. I tough you and the kids did not want me around any more.
12. I miss you more then you think.
13. I don't know what to do, I am confused.
14. I do not have any kind of R with OW.
15. OW does not know what she wants either.
16. I am paying for all my sins (he is religious) and that is why I have to suffer so much.
17. My life is a mess and I have no idea of how to get myself out of it.
18. You think that it is easy to just move on but I found out it is being very hard to get away from you.
19. You were the best part of my life and I did not see it before.
20. I love my kids and want to be there for them.

Here is what XH does:
1. He sends me a schedule for his time with the kids every 1st of the month and it is according to his traveling schedule.
2. He picks up the kids, take them to eat out somewhere and then drop them off.
3. Sometimes he takes them to the movies or to the park to play some ball, it normally takes about 1 to 3 hours and then drop them off again.
4. He insists that he can't have the kids overnight because he still does not have a place to take them. He still lives in a one small room in a couple of old ladies house (one of the ladies works in the same company as he works).
5. He said that he would be glad to cook a meal at my house sometimes during the week to help me out with the kids.
6. He asked me in a joke way, if I would accept if he comes to live in the basement. XH proposed to pay the same rent he pays at his place and that he would help more and be around the kids more often.
7. XH does not get involved in any responsibilities with the kids, even when I ask for his help.
8. School work, college application, guitar classes, meetings, football meetings, doctors, dentist, driving lessons, well, anything that must be done to keep life moving, he is not there, total absence.
9. XH still cries, not so frequently as before, but most of the time.
10. XH is still on light drugs (well, we live in Colorado)
11. XH has part of his stuff in my garage yet.
12. XH comes to the house like it is his, but keep saying it is not his house anymore.
13. XH always mention that he needs to work hard to provide for me and the kids.
14. XH is always trying to impress me, even sometimes calls my attention to how he lost weight and is eating properly, is trying to talk less and listen more, is not so selfish as he used to be.
15. XH can't stop saying what a great person I am.

Yes, if you know me you know I will say it: WHAT THE HELL????

I need to go now and my next chapter will be to list what is my play in all this, and I worn you, it is not all pretty. Have been learning a lot and from many mistakes.

Love you all and will finish my update later today.

Pink


Pink17
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Pink, he is seriously confused. Is he in counseling? Are you in counseling? How are your children handling everything?



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Pho thanks for the reply,

I am not in counseling right now. Was for a year, then I needed to change insurance and did not have much time to look into that right now.

XH was totally against counseling when we were still married and he is still thinking that he is making the correct and enough changes on himself and that he is getting better.

Sometimes I think that I am the one crazy here, but his family calls me very often asking me to please keep an eye on him and saying that they are very worried with his overall behavior.

My kids are OK I would say, but they need counseling. I think their wounds are getting out now and they started to express the disgust. It's upon my head to get this going.

And there is more to all of this.

Pink


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Hi Pink. I'm so glad you posted. Sounds like your H is still in his MLC. As we have said before you clearly love the man so you looking for and seeing hope is perfectly normal

Do you think your standing for your R ? Can you see yourself without H in your life ?

From the outside looking in you are still very much in love with H and you would accept him back Only you know how you really feel and what you are prepared to accept from H in a new R

For me ( and remember I love you !!! ) you need to do something different. The path your on now seems to be.a big circle with H having his cake and still living his own life. I'm no expert but if you keep repeating the same mistakes you will not have a different outcome

People forgive and people move on or forward. Your current sitch is causing you lots of pain but you are in control of you. No one can judge your choices if you believe they are right for you

I do worry that your passionate side may be controlling your head sometimes but if it didn't maybe you wouldn't be the Pink we all love !!!

I'm so glad your posting as it sounds like you could do with some expert advice



abraços para você e eu faltei-

Take care. Rd. xxxx

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Pink, I am not familiar with your back story. But this is what I think looking at your post today. You need to look at this from a fresh perspective.

What is it that you want? Are you still looking for reconciliation? Are you looking to move forward? What is your goal here? It sounds like you are just letting things happen. I know there is so much more to the story so please correct me if I am wrong.

And then, may be time to start with a beginners mind and write down some new goals. Small, attainable goals that will get you closer to your "overall goal." Stick to your goals, to your plan, consult your plan and not your emotions. To me it sounds like your emotions are keeping you stuck. I hope this helps. You've been at this for a long time and I am sure there is so much more to the story.



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Hey lovely P - glad to see you have a new thread....and looks as though you tempted lovely RD out of semi-retirement too...two of my good buddies posting again!

Wow - sounds like a lot has been happening. First thing I would say is that there are two divorces - legal and emotional. The legal one has happened, and not the emotional (from what I read) as yet. I know for you, it was important financially to have things resolved and the risks of not doing were unnacceptable for the family.

But as has been mentioned above, I think the important choice to make here is - am I standing for this relationship or am I moving on? From what you post above, it doesn't sound as though you are 'done.' But that's a choice to make I think. If you truly want to move on, can I recommend Growing through Divorce by Jim Smoke? I'm reading it at the moment, and it is worthwhile for people who truly feel their R is over and who want to move on healthily.

One of the big things it recommends is clean breaks - not having stuff in the basement, not going on dates, not fixing your W's car, not treating your former home as if it were yours and so on. Again, something to think about perhaps.

I would agree with others that your H still seems to be in some confusion and chaos. He clearly has some regrets, but isn't 'together' enough to do constructive things about it all. For this reason alone, I would protect your heart and aim for a level of healthy detachment until or unless he gets himself to a healthier place. Yes, you had a couple of slip ups - but you can always set a new boundary if that is what you want.

Hmm, so what is it you do want at this point my friend? I think it would be helpful to get some clarity on what you hope to do here...reconcile if possible? Move on? Not sure?

Keep posting anyways, and lovely to see you with your own thread again xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hello!
I don't think I've posted to you before but I want to read up a little more on your sitch.
Your h sounds like mine, he is erratic- one minute saying how much he loves me and the next he isn't happy. But still wanting to live together and yada yada.

Looking at this as a total outsider (I don't know your backstory) the man seems clearly in love with you, he has some sort of issues and seems to be dealing with some kind of identity crisis!! I'm sure seeing you act calm and stable and get on with things will help him see the error of his ways and get him to fix himself. And good for you girl, stand tall!!


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Pink17 Offline OP
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Hello my dearest friends, thank you for your support.

RD - I honestly do not know if I love my XH. It is very confusing now. I don't know if I love him or if I am very hurt and still keep the idea of a family I do not have anymore.

Plus, there is you in the middle of all this. It seems silly and just some joke, but it is also the idea that, what if? Maybe for some folks it is the impossible and it becomes just a silly play, but I am very adventurous and nothing is impossible for me until I prove it contrary.

But right now, I do not know.

Pho - TBH, my biggest problem right now is that I do not know what exactly I want. I am pretty lost. At some point I did want my XH back, now I do not know. I am afraid to let go and I am afraid to fight for.

Sotto - I totally get the early divorce. I do not regret what I did for obvious financial reasons. I am sure I did the right thing then, XH had this idea of giving me some money and I would sign some crazy D deal for him and it would all be good. So, I got my L and did what I need to do to protect the kids and myself.

But sometimes I think about this. Maybe we could be in some other kind of talking right now, who knows? XH still thinks that our D is just a piece of paper.

About boundaries or whatever, it does not work with my XH, he has his way into my life. We have kids, and also a constant contact. He is always around unless he is traveling for business. And he used to travel to Latin America, and now he travels only inside USA, what means short trips.

Cherry - XH says that he loves me to this day. And I think he does. But he did not move a finger to work on our R, so I rather ignore what he says. Like we say here, believe zero in what they say and half what they do.

I am writing my side of the mess now.

Love you all,
Pink


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D:8/5/2015



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Hi Pink,
Our sich are quite similar from what I have read in this thread. The ex could never make up his mind if the D was a real D. One minute he would panic when I said that I would emotionally cut myself off from him totally. The other minute he would tell me that he still loved the OW.

A big diff in our sich is that the ex is still involved with the TP and he has always insisted that everything is my fault and he doesn't love me.

Because of our kid and because we live in the same neighbourhood, it was very diff to make a clean break.

But I have decided that if he is really serious about any reconciliation, he really will have to work harder. As much I will like to give my kid a complete family, all this dithering has been very unhealthy for us.

I know how painful it must be for you because I went through and am still going through the pain. The decision to drop the rope has been a very painful one for me but I realised that I do not have the strength to stand for the marriage.

Please don't be so hard on yourself because I know how difficult it is to cut yourself off emotionally from someone that you care for.

Even now, I find myself praying that the ex will be safe on the roads when it rains heavily. Yet, in the very next breath, I will find myself thinking that it will be good to claim some insurance money from the ex to help with my purchase of a new place, because hey, he's not much of a use now to me.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Hi Grlonfr,

Maybe that is my biggest deal right now, I am reluctant to drop the rope and let it go for good.

The fact that he still cares so much for me and is living a messy life right now, makes it harder. In the same time, it is what he is choosing for himself and is not trying to hard to get our R in another level.

He even said to me that things are difficult, but that is why we are still talking. Sometimes, I wonder what kind of alien took him, because he is so unreal.

I need to search into my heart, what is my direction in all of this. I am certain of one thing, that I can't continue in this path that I find myself right now. I am not happy with myself or my life.

Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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