I have laid down that boudary and i stick by those words i just not sure what yo do to enforce it
How do you stick by those words? Not a trick question or sarcastic, just trying to figure out how you are seeing it.
Instead of thinking of word enforce, try using consequence. She is an adult and you really can't force her to do something, but you can do something that would be a consequence to her for not honoring your boundary. Have you researched the topic, or read the link?
I suggest that in the future you not state a boundary that you have no idea how to carry through with it. You told her you would not live in an open M. Therefore, if she continues with her cheating, it would seem to me that you would take steps to stop living in an open M. Isn't that how you read it? I mean, how can you stick by your words and yet do nothing?
The only effective boundary is one that produces consequences for the one who dishonored it. That is the only way I know how you enforce it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The deal is strong needs to be ready fir the back lash.
Will he be able to weather what is coming. Only he knows. If he reads and is able to do this, i am excited for him.
If there is ajy doubt as to what he can do...then i caution him. You can surive this if you dont create ww3 and are not able to stand up...just caution is what i am saying.
do not look for signs from her. I know buddy, I know you are grasping at straws, trying to find that ray of hope, but your time would be better spent taking care of you and your little guy.
Also try to stop with the spying, because it gets you all worked up. It gets your mind racing 100 mph going in all the directions at once. You found out she is 2timing, so stop now. Stop for your own sanity. Look at it this way, 2 things can happen if you snoop:
a) You find out she really is getting physical with this guy. How is that helping you?
b) You get no definite proof. However, the absence of proof of an affair is not the proof of absence of an affair.
In her mind, you are gone from the equation so you holding your breath every time she sighs is sooooo unproductive.
Hey all thanks for the insperation and advice. Had a rough morning. Wife accused me of looking at her phone to see who she had received a message from. I said i didnt know i wasnt looking. Then she told me to look and asked who it was from nd she had a text from the OM. I had a real tough time keeping my cool almost started yelling but i held back and left the room. I want to kick her out of the MBR tonight but im supportive of sandi's advice to get through christmas for the little guy S1. Not sure if that will be possible if i move forward moving her stuff out of MBR and putting a lock on the door. Will that bring on the storm that is talked of?
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
Then she told me to look and asked who it was from nd she had a text from the OM. I had a real tough time keeping my cool almost started yelling but i held back and left the room.
This is so gross to me. Sorry.
But now to the point...it's clear WW is going to continue her affair, and will continue to flaunt it. The goal can't be to get her to end her affair, or to feel remorse, or to respect you, or anything else like that, because you can't control her. The goal instead must be to get yourself to a point where she can't hurt you this much, to where you are detached, maybe put off but not mortally wounded, and where you feel sorry for her and more disinterested than upset.
How can you start taking steps to get there?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Then she told me to look and asked who it was from nd she had a text from the OM. I had a real tough time keeping my cool almost started yelling but i held back and left the room.
This is so gross to me. Sorry.
But now to the point...it's clear WW is going to continue her affair, and will continue to flaunt it. The goal can't be to get her to end her affair, or to feel remorse, or to respect you, or anything else like that, because you can't control her. The goal instead must be to get yourself to a point where she can't hurt you this much, to where you are detached, maybe put off but not mortally wounded, and where you feel sorry for her and more disinterested than upset.
How can you start taking steps to get there?
1) I guess it would start with reading DR book 2) Going to the gym helps me feel alot better about things. 3) GAL i suppose i gota call up some old freinds get out and about. Any other suggestions?
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
I have laid down that boudary and i stick by those words i just not sure what yo do to enforce it
How do you stick by those words? Not a trick question or sarcastic, just trying to figure out how you are seeing it.
Instead of thinking of word enforce, try using consequence. She is an adult and you really can't force her to do something, but you can do something that would be a consequence to her for not honoring your boundary. Have you researched the topic, or read the link?
I suggest that in the future you not state a boundary that you have no idea how to carry through with it. You told her you would not live in an open M. Therefore, if she continues with her cheating, it would seem to me that you would take steps to stop living in an open M. Isn't that how you read it? I mean, how can you stick by your words and yet do nothing?
The only effective boundary is one that produces consequences for the one who dishonored it. That is the only way I know how you enforce it.
When i said stick by my words i meant i still beleive in them and feel like i need to produce some consequences. I am ready just trying to make sure u do i the best way. To be honest I'd rather not be around her while she continues to lie and be disrespectful. I get home sometimes and hesitate to go in because i know shes there.
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
do not look for signs from her. I know buddy, I know you are grasping at straws, trying to find that ray of hope, but your time would be better spent taking care of you and your little guy.
Also try to stop with the spying, because it gets you all worked up. It gets your mind racing 100 mph going in all the directions at once. You found out she is 2timing, so stop now. Stop for your own sanity. Look at it this way, 2 things can happen if you snoop:
a) You find out she really is getting physical with this guy. How is that helping you?
b) You get no definite proof. However, the absence of proof of an affair is not the proof of absence of an affair.
In her mind, you are gone from the equation so you holding your breath every time she sighs is sooooo unproductive.
Stay strong buddy...
I know is no good for me to spy. I think i keep going back to it because im trying to see if actions i been taking are having any affect on her. Now i know this is wrong thinking and im doing my best to quite.
What will be the best way to know she has stopped seeing/talking to this guy. Do i just keep on keeping on and then maybe she will come pursue me and ahow true remorse and if not i just keep on keeping on forever and ever?
M30 - W29 - S1.5 EA/PA Confirmed - Oct 30, 2015 Confronted W about the A - Nov 1, 2015 W asked for seperation - Nov 22, 2015 W moves out of house - Jan 3rd, 2016
Hi Strong, you may find it helpful to have a look at the boundaries cheat sheet. The important thing about boundaries is that they are not primarily about consequences. They are about you drawing a protective circle around yourself and preventing further hurt as much as you are able.
Now, when you do this there tend to be consequences, but those aren't the reason to do it. They are just what unfold as a result of your actions and decisions. Of course, there are consequences for you too, depending on what you decide to do.
When my H disclosed his A, he was clearly in the throes of infatuation and dashing off abroad to see OW. In the days & weeks after the BD, I realised I couldn't return to our marital home and live there...ramble around along in a big empty house alone. It would hurt me too much & I just wanted to be with my family. So I didn't return. Now, that had consequences for me and for H, but the reason for making that decision was always about me and what I needed to do for myself during a difficult time...
Take care & good luck with whatever you decide x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
do not look for signs from her. I know buddy, I know you are grasping at straws, trying to find that ray of hope, but your time would be better spent taking care of you and your little guy.
Also try to stop with the spying, because it gets you all worked up. It gets your mind racing 100 mph going in all the directions at once. You found out she is 2timing, so stop now. Stop for your own sanity. Look at it this way, 2 things can happen if you snoop:
a) You find out she really is getting physical with this guy. How is that helping you?
b) You get no definite proof. However, the absence of proof of an affair is not the proof of absence of an affair.
In her mind, you are gone from the equation so you holding your breath every time she sighs is sooooo unproductive.
Stay strong buddy...
I know is no good for me to spy. I think i keep going back to it because im trying to see if actions i been taking are having any affect on her. Now i know this is wrong thinking and im doing my best to quite.
What will be the best way to know she has stopped seeing/talking to this guy. Do i just keep on keeping on and then maybe she will come pursue me and ahow true remorse and if not i just keep on keeping on forever and ever?
Buddy, what I am about to tell you will be hard for you to understand. It does not matter if she ends the A tomorrow, because that does not mean that she will be back in your arms or (more important) you back in her mind. She might just move on to OM2. So if you get your hopes up and the A ends, just imagine what it would do to you if she moved on to OM2. And of course you know that the watched kettle never boils, don't you.
So try to slowly lessen the time you give to he in your mind, you really do have to detach. It is much much easier said than done, but you will feel sooooooo much better once you detach enough.
