Accepting that I Am Living in a Mad Lib

[HaWho]

Hi KML - you are kinder than I. I was researching places where he could perhaps intern as a eunuch?

Job- so much perception in your post. Here is the thing. It shocked me how much he knew about AA. He has never been an addict to my knowledge. And, as far as I know neither of us know anyone who has gone through AA. I have been wondering how he knows all this. And he seems to know it all. He would never be the type to look into such a thing just to see what it is all about. I am thinking he knows someone new who is in AA or just out of AA. Hmm.

Once again, I hope it is projection as that letter, was a rock bottom for me. I saw a different man in those words. And I do believe he knows it. There is something that changed in me when I set that boundary with him and I know he sensed it.

As for my S12, he said he will put a post it on his food from now on! LOL!

I think it is time to have S12 talk to someone. I need advice here. I feel like it needs to be someone who knows kids and the impact of MLC on kids.

Also Job, yes, S12 has H's number in more than one way. S12 knows this is MLC. He asked me in the spring when H was going out all hours without saying anything to us. I told him the truth. S12 became upset and asked if this would happen to him as well.

He has seen it all unfold before his eyes and he is on the perceptive side for sure. He saw the replay, the massive confusion, H completely disheveled, moving back into master BR, moving out, etc.

When H first moved downstaris S12 asked me why. On advice of IC I said H wasn't sleeping well and he was keeping me up so he moved downstairs. S12 was silent and then said: he abandoned you. I think he knew that very day that something was very wrong with H.

S12 is growing up with a father in MLC. He cannot talk to his father at all. He says that if he tries to talk to him, he can't communicate and H can offer him no advice.

Anyone know if there is a specialty for kids whose parents are in MLC? I think S12 feels inadequate/like he is failing because he has a tough time communicating with his father. I think from going to others' houses he knows his father is different from other dads. I am worried maybe he is going to learn codependence from all this.

I am also worried this MLC cycle will repeat itself on some crazy subconscious level.

Any advice is welcome.

[job]

I am going to suggest that you contact your IC and ask about a referral for your son. He/she may know of someone who is good and can work w/him.

I laughed over the sticky note...your h might not see it and eat it as well. LOL!

Why are you worried about the MLC cycle? Are you afraid that your h will go thru it again? If he completes the entire cycle this, he shouldn't go thru it again; or are you worried that your son will experience a crisis later in life?

The AA info sent a red flag up for me. Most people don't know that much about AA unless they are attending the meetings, know someone who is going to the meetings or a former AA member. But, he could have been curious and did some research on line about it...but he appears to know too much about it and to talk about hitting bottom, etc.

[HaWho]

I am worried about all of it. I am worried my H won't complete. His father did not. And yes, I am VERY worried about my son having a MLC. I need to do all I can to teach him this has nothing to do with him.

The house is quiet and though there is no yelling and screaming my H hides in a dorm room listening to music and watching movies all by himself. It is quite dysfunctional. He is unreachable and avoidant.

Let me give you one scary example of the status of his empathy chip. Last spring, a few of S12's friends biked over through the woods. When they arrived, one boy told me he saw a dead body in the woods. He was very scared. I said, no, it's a shadow you saw. I took the boy back to the spot and my S12 followed. The boy pointed me to a bend in the path and sure enough, there was a body there. S12 had followed me and saw a glimpse, too.

We ran back home and we were all very upset. It was gruesome what we saw. I called the police. S12 and I were in shock. H opened the door when we ran home. We are very upset and H is just numb. He does not say a word. He does not hug, console . . . nada, zilch.

We go sit down and we are just trying to process what that all was. H gets cereal and eats it by himself in the dining room as we are crying. I still remember him chomping away as S12 cried. Moments later S12 says: "something is wrong with dad. He didn't care that the woman died." This is his dad! It's crazy!! He is going to remember that lack of reaction forever.

We found out the woman had committed suicide, sadly. She was young and had changed her name. She was running from something clearly.

As for the AA, I am tempted to just wait until the kids are not here and just ask him how he knows so much about AA. I think I will able to tell much from his demeanor. I don't think he would ever be the type to subscribe to that sort of thing so I really why he knows so much.

[job]

I would call your IC tomorrow and ask for a referral. Your son needs a "safe" place to talk out his thoughts, feelings and fears. Even though you are considered "safe", he needs someone who is outside the immediate family so that he can talk more freely to someone who isn't family.

Yes, your h's empathy chip was and still is broken will most likely continue that way for a while.

As for the conversation about AA, I think I would phrase it this way, "h, you mentioned several times about AA and hitting bottom, how did you learn so much about AA?" If you come out and ask him, he may very well shut down and not tell you. You have to sound like you are impressed by his knowledge and feed him those ego kibbles to get some answers.

BTW, there is a book out there entitled "I Don't Want To Talk About It" by Terrence Real that discusses male depression and the legacy of handing it down to future generations. I recommended that book many years ago on this Forum. It is excellent. You may want to check it out.

[HaWho]

Thanks Job. I did read that book a few months ago. I should re-read it. It was very good. I know I downloaded it onto my kindle.

Yes, I think you are right about my son. I will call tomorrow. It is time.

Ok, I do think I will be "impressed" by H's new found AA knowledge. VERY good advice Job. Now I am starting to think H didn't answer the lyrical low question because I was on to something?

Thanks Job, as always, for your time and advice.

[LouR]

HaWho

Just want to tell you that you are an incredible lady, you are showing what the true meaning of patience and understanding really is.

I hope you manage to find someone wonderful for your s to talk his thoughts through with, I like job's suggestion of asking your IC as they know your history so may be able to advise of someone suitable to your situation. You have recognized a potential problem for your s and are acting, full mummy marks to you, this is what stands you apart from your h; you are in full possession of your faculties!

Love the communication through song - I sort of took the remarks he made as a joke, like you wrote a terrible song and don't give up your day job kinda thing, but you all seem to have seen it a different way - makes me think about how I interpret things ...

Keep on being you my friend

[HaWho]

Hi LouR- Aw, shucks. Thanks for all the kind words. You are quite the model for patience and understanding yourself. Many times, I feel like a goldfish that was dumped onto a dry floor. Lol!

Actually, I do believe H meant it as a joke conveying all that you wrote. But, I think there also may have been more to it? Who knows though . . . it is MLC after all.

Really my focus is S12 now. I have my life jacket on and I need to get him squared away ASAP.

When Job made the comment that maybe by next year H will have grown up a bit, I thought yes, just in time for my two sons also to enter the teenage years. Lol!! There will be sticky notes all over this house by then!!! (Note to self: buy Post-It stock now.)

[mleigh4]

Hi Hawho. I can't offer much advice in regards to your son, I think having him talk to someone other than you is a good idea. Especially since he is voicing his concerns. My son is 8 and doesn't say anything directly about H, he just expresses that he doesn't like being with him. When I ask him why, he really doesn't have a specific reason. Maybe he is too young to express his reasons.

I too worry that the cycle will repeat itself in my S, however, I think in our case our sons are seeing some strong women at work and seeing their dad's being a weak link. My hope is that this will make son respect women all the more. I also know that if I saw my son treating his family this way, I would take some action, not stick my head in the sand, as my MIL has done. I suspect the same of you.

I am happy to hear you had a nice Thanksgiving. Your strength and patience while living with your MLC'ER amazes me. I went back to my posts this time last year, H was still home, and I was far less patient as you. You are an awesome woman Hawho.

[HaWho]

So after a few very irritable days, H peeked out of the dorm room a little bit. Many of the peek outs are comical.

On Sunday AM I ran out to the grocery store as I decided to make a hearty crockpot meal. As H walked into the kitchen and nearly tripped over the grocery bags, he asked if I needed anything at the grocery store! Lol! I smiled and said "no, all set." (Last time I accepted he did ALL the shopping in the grocery section of the CVS pharmacy even though there was a "real" grocery store next door?!?)

I LOVE how he offers to help when something is already done. NO credit for that one. S12 has learned this trick, too!!! Next time, I will give him a REALLY long list of obscure items (mango chutney and creme fraiche, etc.) and send him on his way. I will make up some things too and then feign confusion as to why he couldn't find them: like barbecued mini gherkins. And I know he will ask for help at the store which is even more hilarious!! H will learn it takes talking to a Manager to determine they don't carry BBQ mini gherkins and this will be after he's been traipsed through the whole store twice.

On Sunday he stayed in the living room the whole time and watched football with us. I was tempted to ask him if the dorm room tv was broken?!? But I dusted off my halo and wings and did not do so. Full credit for me!!

Yesterday, he offered to pick up S10 from school. He brought him home AND fixed him a snack AND helped him with homework. It was hard not to Windex my eyes to determine if I was seeing clearly. That is the first time he has helped with homework in over a year, for sure. After dinner he stayed in the main part of the house all evening. Hmm... He must be gearing up for something. Maybe plans for New Year's with his Viagra toting MLC BFF.

I actually found a LOT of anger bubble up. Seeing him parent just made me realize what an absentee dad he has been. I had to leave the room because I was afraid my look would show it all.

Later he drove S10 to practice, which he always does. Later he texted me and asked if we should get "our tree" today. I said sure.

Today was quite comical. My personal favorite is when the MLCer temporarily wakes up from replay and gives his Shakepearean-like speech on responsibility.

Here is how it unfolded: S10 woke with a horrible cough today. It is deep in his lungs. He stayed home from school and I will work from home.

H(adult mode) tells S10 he should take a pill and go! He gives a quick soliloquy about responsibility and working hard! (I am in the other room trying not to laugh when he tells S10 how grown up he was at son's age! Yeah, and now you are nearly 50 going on 11!!)

Then he starts to give me a quick "he should go," talk as though I am enabling S10 by letting him stay home and cough and blow his nose. I know his mom sent him to school no matter what. I think he thinks this is a badge of toughness/"growing up" vs. what it REALLY was: neglect. It it a big difference between us. Kids should be taught to listen to their bodies. It is important. All I had to do was say the word and I stayed home and was cared for with kindness.

I listen to him and then smile and say: he is sick. He needs to stay home and get better. H pushes back. I listen and try a different tack: reason. I tell him it is the teachers' job to instruct, not to double as a nurse. That silences him. Funny how he has more respect for the teacher than a sick kid, and his own kid to boot.

I am looking for a window of opportunity to ask about his depth of knowledge about AA.

[job]

You have the patience of a saint. I just chuckle over his antics. Yep, you go to the store and there sit the groceries and then he asks if you need anything from the store. Gotta love those antics.

I can't wait to see how he is over Christmas. It will be very interesting what he gets you in the way of a present.

Hang in there! I think you are doing great!