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Hi Mleigh-just dropping a line to say I hope you had fun at your cookie night and hope that you feel better.

And I am right there with you on how mind blowing the MLC confusion is. Once after I could see that H knew he was very confused, I asked him if he saw fog and a tunnel. And I told him I was worried about him. (I figured he may not even remember me asking and I was curious.) He said he did not see fog nor a tunnel. (LOL.)

He asked me if I thought he was losing his memory. He looked worried. I said no. I told him to give it time and reassured him that he was not starting dementia. He was very thoughtful and quiet. I could tell from his face that he knew something was wrong. Very sad.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Hi Hawho. Thank you for stopping by. You know, asking H any kind of personal questions has become a taboo thing for me throughout this crisis, but I think I am ready to give it a try. A simple "how are you doing" is in order. Your post made me realize I never ask him anything...

I made it through my Thanksgiving weekend and am happy with how it all went. I have no regrets about how it all went down with H. We did our separate things and I kept my promise of keeping it light and friendly.

H came yesterday to pick up S. His 11:00 arrival was more like noon. I expected that as his time management has gone out the window. He brought me a timer for the Christmas lights I set up. We had one here but couldn't find it anywhere. He also brought some supplies to fix the leaking pipe. He heard the handyman had looked at it and whoosh, he is fixing it! Lol.

He was outside in the front for about an hour working on it. During that time, I heard neighbors outside, people walking by, wild turkeys gobbling in the distance, our dog running around...and as I sat in the house with S, I wondered if H missed any of this. You know, all the sounds of home.

When he was done, he came in. Me and S were both sitting at the kitchen table doing our own thing. H just stood and looked at us for a moment quiet until we both looked up and smiled...I asked him all done? He said that should do it. He then laid back on the sofa chair and called dog over to snuggle.

After a few minutes, I got up to get S things together to go with his dad. H was still laid back on the chair and I had a flash of curling up in the crook of his arm like I used to do any time he was in that position. H caught my eyes and I looked away, didnt want him to see that thought.

We chatted a bit, was a nice mini visit. He even complimented me a couple of times about different things I was concerned about, saying he knows I can do it.

H left with S and I got to baking. What a nightmare. I am a cooker, not a baker. I forgot the eggs in the first batch, then forgot to do the criss cross in my peanut butter cookies on the second batch, but I managed to make a plate of cookies! Before leaving, I was snuggled on the couch with dog watching The Santa Claus and got very close to flaking on the party! But I don't flake so off I went.

There must have been 30 different kinds of cookies and tons of food! A great idea for a party, but I was really feeling tired, so I stayed a short while, got S and went home...

Oh, that reminds me. My friend, mom of S BFF, had texted before picking up S from H to take with her that she had texted H last night and that day to confirm the pick up but never heard back from him. So she was checking with me to make sure the plans were still on. She has already mentioned to me before that she is done trying to coordinate get togethers for the boys with H because it is just too difficult! Lol. Boy do I understand! Anyway, H Finally responded to her and all was fine.

S told me he had a great time with them at their family get together and that he even met a new friend.

Back in the day, I would have lost sleep and stressed wondering what last minute plans H had made that he would give up a night with S for. I am curious about it, but it did not consume me.

S and I were in bed at 10 and both slept until 9 this morning. I think this busy weekend has caught up to us. Today, I vow to rest all day!! And watch lots of movies....and eat leftovers.

Happy Sunday smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Well, is the pipe fixed? That is so funny that he finally fixed it before the handyman came back to do so.

Yes, it's time to ask some very simple/basic questions. It doesn't hurt, but remember that you have to keep your expectations at zero.

Your baking was a challenge...wasn't it? That's okay. At least you can now sit back and chuckle over that challenge yesterday.

I'm glad you went to the party and had a great time. Parties always tend to have so much food and so many different goodies this time of the year. It's hard to decide what to eat at those things.

Son had a good time too. That's wonderful and I bet both of you were tired at the end of the day.

Enjoy the rest of today and smile...because both you and your son had a great day yesterday.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Well, I got my mini R talk that I have been whining about for months.

I took S to H place tonight. As S went in the house, H told me to not get mad but he wanted to talk to me about S. He said he talked to S about him not liking to go to his place, and S told him that I don't make him do chores like he does. I admitted I am not good at having S do chores, but I do have him clean up after himself. H listed things he has S do like empty the dishwasher and put his clean clothes away....I told him I just tend to do things that need to be done without thinking about it, but I will make an effort to have S do some things to see if that changes his tune....but I added, don't you think maybe it's more than just that? I told H that he knows S hates being away from home, he has his pets and things at home, I said who would want to go back and forth between places?? I told H that S has told me that he simply just doesn't like daddy's place.

H agreed that he is sure it all plays a part... again told me don't get mad, but to try the chore thing. So I told him, don't worry, I am not going to get mad and that I hoped at this point we could talk about anything...

So I took my chance and asked him, how are you doing anyway? He shrugged and gave an "eh" He said it's tough being away from S and not being able to spend much time with him. So I swept my arm around his place and asked, well, is this the answer for you? He said if he knew what the answer was, that he would know what to do.

I said, if you see yourself staying here for good, please tell me because I would want to know.

He said don't hold yourself back from doing anything...

I told him, I know I can do whatever I want at this point, but we are still legally married and I am just not that kind of person who could ignore that....He said he knows how I am and that I couldnt.

Then he exclaimed, you seem happier! You are doing things around the house and you just seem a lot happier.

I told him that I wouldn't say I am happier, but I am happy. I said that has nothing to do with you, I realized that a person isn't who makes you happy or unhappy and I finally realized my unhappiness wasn't because of him. I told him I got really buried in being a wife, a mom, working and I just totally lost myself. I have finally found myself again and am happy just being myself again.

He was quiet. So I told H to please know he can talk to me about anything anytime, and I always want to know the truth even if it's not what I want to hear.

It was a very calm and friendly conversation. No anger or judgment.


So, we will see if and how that gets processed, but it seems he is still in his haze. Just needed to know!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Hi Mleigh - I think you did a great job of communicating to your H that you are open to hearing more from him.

It sounds like he is just ambling along. I do find it interesting that he seemed to take notice that you seemed happy.

Nice work sneaking in a quick temperature read.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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I agree w/HaWho...a great job on communicating w/your "teenager". He doesn't have any idea what he's going to do in the future, much less next week. At least you were able to get a temperature check w/o him realizing what you were doing.

I do find it interesting that he noticed you are happy. I'm glad he did.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Thanks guys. Ya, it was a nice peek into H head. Yep, still fog ridden!

I wonder about the Happy comment. Was it...He thinks I am happier without him therefore he stays away? Or was it a justification to ease his guilt of what he is doing? Hmmmm, not sure and won't waste my time on that one.

I also realized, yes it is sad he does not get a whole lot of time with S. Although it's his doing, still sad. However, I did not go through having difficulty in getting pregnant twice, losing our first son and 36 hours of labor to have a part time child. The best part is, I waited, for the right guy, someone who would be a great father and husband and never abandon us as my own father did. I waited so long that I didn't finally have my son until I was 37....

And here we are...

But, I will just get that off my chest here. It's neither here nor there, right? As Forrest said, life is like a box of chocolates. I choose instead of bitterness, to appreciate all the wonderful things I have in my life. I choose to cherish my time with S. I choose to keep that peace, it helps me to sleep at night smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Oct 2012
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Mleigh, my dad left too. And, I did everything in my power, I thought, to prevent my kids suffering that pain of abandonment... And, they got it worse than I did.

I want to know how to stop the cycle so my girls don't go through this too. I think that's where there is value in looking at it. Why/how did I marry someone capable of this?


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Heather, do you think we saw someone in our spouse that needed to be "saved"? Maybe we didn't realize it? Maybe our choice of H had something directly to do with our fathers?

Something to think about....


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
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I think I saw something familiar in Matt. I felt a pull. Maybe part of that was God wanting me to be with someone where I could learn specific lessons. I still feel the pull (but, no worries--enjoying the blocked thing). I don't regret my marriage. But, I don't want my girls to suffer through this same thing.

I think the person I was at 19 was amazed ANYONE would love me. AMAZED. And, after surviving a terrible situation at home, I was overjoyed to feel GOOD! In love.

I overlooked the red flags I was mature enough to notice. I also didn't have much by way of lessons in that area. I had a mom who suffered terribly with codependency and sorta saw herself as deserving of being the shid on the bottom of someone else's shoe. She is still with someone who considers her lazy and has cheated on her at least twice.

As a mom, I'm sure I would have pointed out Matt's red flags... My mom did say, I think he is still immature and you may reach a point where you will outgrow him. And, Matt was clean for two years in N.A. when we married. I don't know. For me, I think I married the right person... but, he didn't stay clean and I had my own issues that I couldn't seem to conquer WITHIN the marriage.

Had a recent situation with my daughter which makes me feel a little better about my kids... My 21-year-old daughter was dating this cute, apparently nice frat boy. After a few weeks, he showed off some weirdness... he was really clingy. Hates his family. Has a bitchy mother. He became upset when he couldn't get in touch with Cal. He overreacted when she watched a movie innocently with another guy. Then! He showed her some marks on his arm where he had burned himself with a cigarette while drunk at a party.

When Cal shared the first stuff, I wasn't controlling about it, but I DID share my concerns. Hey, ya know this guy sounds like he has some issues. Don't let him slow you down. Be aware with this one and watch yourself. He sounds a bit controlling. I trust you will make a good decision, but I have these concerns... Yadda, Yadda...

When she told me about the cigarette burns. BAM!! That's when Mama Bear stepped in. I told her to end it. I don't trust this boy with my daughter and he sounds troubled. When she said he threatened to hurt himself if she broke up... BAM! Mama Bear got more persistent and told her she needed to end this right now. End it.

She did. She was going to end it anyway.

MLeigh,

Just answered my own question. I feel so much better. My girls will be OKAY! Why? Because... I've learned that there's more to a relationship than the pull you feel.

The pull is great... But, there needs to be more and you CANNOT ignore any red flags. Hopefully, because Us MOMs have had this experience, we are more tuned into the red flags now.

I've been dating. I now see that I can turn someone away even if they are attractive to me. I deserve someone with his shid together.

And, if my daughters marry someone with these issues. I can, hopefully, be an example of how important it is to have your OWN life... a life which will continue even if your spouse has a nervous breakdown.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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