Pho's latest thread.

[Ancaire]

Pho...I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I don't have much patience for spewing H's these days. Mine had one heck of a spew-fest at my expense the last time I allowed him to speak to me. I just sat there in disbelief as every bad thing that has ever happened to him was blamed on me. I know I'm pretty incredible, but dang! I have some awesome powers of destruction.

He's starting to understand I will not speak to him. L is setting up an emergency hearing to get me some money. He won't give me any unless I prove I need it. He's having an affair. He doesn't get to control me anymore. He's going to really dislike the new me. As much as I wanted to stand for my marriage? I don't care as much anymore. I'm tired of the abuse.

My hope is that your upcoming time apart enables you to arrive at a place of peace, no matter how it presents itself. I'll be here for you no matter what. I'm still going to work on me.

[gonegrl]

Hi Pho,

I am so, so sorry for the tough time you are having being the target of your H's behaviour and feelings. I have had to stop reading your such generally as much of your H's behaviour reminds me of mine when I was in the crisis of my mental health breakdown. There are a lot of triggers for me in reading your thread. I am however cheerleading you and your family and sometimes I pop in hoping to read some positive progress.

I think you hit the nail on the head recognising that H is actually communicating. Yip it feels horrible to be scapegoated and blamed ( Brene Brown's definition of blame is " a way to discharge pain and discomfort". Unfortunately H is using you as means to discharge his pain and discomfort. I wonder if for a man who has likely spent most if not all of his life numbing emotions one way or another for one reason or another. His mental health crisis has resulted in him feeling his feelings, his grief his loss, his fear for the first time. Sadly and painfully you are on the end of this. But is his actually feeling something not a good thing?

I have significant shame for treating Mr Ex, I man a loved with all my heart in this way. When I was in it. I had no idea. My Mr Ex was the person I trusted most in the world, loved most in the world. And he was the one I abused most in the world, with my blame and projecting. And I am so sorry I didn't see the impact it was having on him, on his sense of self, his sense of being a partner, a lover, a man. I wore him down. I gradually over time whittled away his love for me.

I am so very sorry for you being the person that is the cost of his emotional recovery. I am sorry that my Mr Ex was the cost of mine.

Sorry to hijack with my stuff. I just wanted to encourage you to find your safe place with your children. If that means walking away then do. I know that for me Mr Ex ending our relationship was the kick in the butt I needed to finally address some issues that I had not been brave enough to face. But also no one life should be sacrificed for another. You are both equally entitled to happiness and a glorious future.

Please drape yourself in an amour of self love when you speak with him. Please buffer yourself with the knowledge that while his words are hurtful and unkind and inconsiderate of your fragile heart and needs, he needs this journey. I do hope he realises soon, and I hope his counsellor is giving him guidance to take responsibility for his feelings and his actions. Because this is the lesson that H needs. He is solely responsible for his own happiness and unhappiness. It was never yours.

And Pho there is something in those words for you. Your H is not responsible for your unhappiness or happiness. Stand in your light and know that today you hold that in your hands.

My heart does ache for your sitch Pho . It really does.

With so much love

JellyBxxx

Jelly, your post has me in tears. Well, maybe not, I woke up in tears, and logged on and read your post and I am still in tears. I am sorry if my posts trigger you, I don't mean to spread the pain. But your words have helped me, so thank you for reaching out even though it hurts.

Last night was the first night in about 2 months that H did not sleep in the bed, he was outside talking to a friend (his friend going through a D with a very nasty custody fight) and he was drinking, and then he didn't sleep with me. Its truly like all of the progress we made in the last couple of months has slipped away. I have a coffee meeting with a new friend of mine today, she is actually a therapist, and she has recently divorced. I am curious to hear her story and tell her mine.

Then grocery shopping, cooking, church. Leaving the kids with H today, although I am sure they won't be "with" him, they will be running the neighborhood with their friends.

I am putting the pieces together. I am beyond sad but I accept that that is where I need to be right now because its a reflection of my reality. But I am trying to find some peace within myself. Music is helping me.

I do believe that him speaking his feelings is a good thing. I will admit that I am not controlling my reactions nearly as well as when he was speaking less, even when he was raging it was easier to keep quiet because that was just rage. But when he is speaking in a calm manner, and it seems more conversational, it is easier to take the bait and then it escalates. I will control my reactions better. I will give him the space and the voice to heal. Maybe if the healing continues while he is away then this can really be a good thing.

I am going to ask him for something he has asked me for. To only deal with one issue at a time. So if he wants to spew something awful, it is that one thing. I will talk to my IC about this too, she keeps telling me to speak up, but I know if I do it will cost me my marriage. I need to ramp up the self care. I am going to "mis speak". I am going to interrupt sometimes, or sound tired or impatient in my words, I am only human. I cannot be afraid to speak. Which I am right now, I am so scared, and even with watching my every word it seems like I still manage to interrupt or use the wrong tone. There is just zero benefit of the doubt or love for me, zero.

And he is leaving in 6 weeks. I still don't want him to go but I do. Thank you Jelly.

[gonegrl]

Pho...I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I don't have much patience for spewing H's these days. Mine had one heck of a spew-fest at my expense the last time I allowed him to speak to me. I just sat there in disbelief as every bad thing that has ever happened to him was blamed on me. I know I'm pretty incredible, but dang! I have some awesome powers of destruction.

He's starting to understand I will not speak to him. L is setting up an emergency hearing to get me some money. He won't give me any unless I prove I need it. He's having an affair. He doesn't get to control me anymore. He's going to really dislike the new me. As much as I wanted to stand for my marriage? I don't care as much anymore. I'm tired of the abuse.

My hope is that your upcoming time apart enables you to arrive at a place of peace, no matter how it presents itself. I'll be here for you no matter what. I'm still going to work on me.

Ancaire, between the two of us we really have superpowers. I have the powers to cause disease! I know you have had it rough, so extremely intense and in such a short amount of time. At least mine is on some level trying. In a very small way from my perspective, but I also recognize that for him it is huge.

I am praying that now that Thanksgiving is over I can focus on myself and my kids again. I was really in a 3 week rut there.

Today I have a lot going on, but my goals (in addition to the things I am doing for myself- meeting a friend, going to church) are going to be for my children. I am going to interact with each child in a meaningful way today. I will let them take the lead, probably playing a game or doing a project together. I have ideas but no plans- the plan will be to give each of them a good one on one dose of "mom" time, just doing something simple and around the house. It is rainy and cold here, and they are all tired from traveling, so I am keeping the plans easy. I am also going to make a great family dinner. I will be pleasant to H but no puppy dog eyes and no pursuit.

This week we are overrun with dr. appointments and counseling appointments. I did not cancel the appointments that I had planned to cancel because I haven't lined up new ones yet. Also will start decorating for Christmas, I need to work on a project for the school, and research some more part-time or very flexible jobs for myself. And I have my dinner group. Next weekend is H's office Christmas party. Should be interesting as some of the guys know about OW.

[gonegrl]

I just got back from running errands and coffee with a friend. As I come in, D asks me what is going on. I ask her what she means. She said "Are you and Dad getting a divorce? Everyone is acting weird." I said "I do not want to get divorced and I am not planning to get a divorce. We are trying to work out some problems. I am sorry if you are worried." She said "I think I know what is going on. I think Grandma and Grandpa want Dad to divorce you." I said "Why would you think that?" And she said "Don't you notice the way they act around you? There are so many little private side conversations and they give you dirty looks. I think they hate you."

And I thought the Thanksgiving holiday went well. My heart is on the floor right now. Not sure what to think or say.

On the other hand, I had a good time with my friend.

My heart is on the floor.

[SciDad]

Pho,

Things are never as good and never as bad as we think. I really do think that it's a good thing that your H is showing/dealing with his emotions, but I wish it didn't take a toll on you. You're a good person and wish the best for you. Please try to keep your perspective (seems you're doing better than me) and take it one day at a time. Focus on what helps you and it will help your family.

If only I could listen to my own advice....

[gonegrl]

SciDad, thank you. If I am doing better than you than I am sorry for you! I was about a month ago really rocking this whole DB thing, I could have been the DB poster child for a little while there.

I just had coffee with a friend of mine, she is a therapist. I told her how I was starting to lose it, how I had no voice, no say in the marriage, but that was my choice because of the crisis situation. She said that is a good and valid choice to make during a crisis, but as humans we can only go so long denying our own needs and feelings before we start to either break down physically or emotionally or turn really dysfunctional and not be able to break out of it. She said that based on what I told her I need to stop putting H and his problems first. Same advice that you all have been giving me.

Now to implement it. First thing- I will get a job.

[dday]

Pho, it's great that you have a good friend to go chat with. Even more awesome that she is a therapist! That was some awesome advice, that you have to take care of yourself first. Keep it up!

[SciDad]

Pho, don't forget the most important thing.

YOU are a smart, beautiful, and talented woman. To hell with your H - you are still awesome and inspire me with each of your posts. You deserve a little focus from youself

[gonegrl]

Dday and Scidad, thank you! Oh, my friend is also divorced. I asked her about the post-divorced dating scene. She said "You will not be dating for a long time. Your kids are already stressed out and needy, if you do get divorced they are going to need your undivided attention for the next 2-3 years, you won't even have time to think about dating! But your H will, so be prepared for that." I said something along the lines of what if H decides to step up and be a connected parent, and she said if he decides that then you probably won't get divorced. He's considering divorce because he is checked out.

Reality checks can really hurt.

[SciDad]

Yikes, it [censored] that your D is in the middle of all this. But kudos to her for doing the only appropriate thing. And remember, it's best not to know what is being said, especially through a conversation decoded by a 14-yr old. I say that last bit just in case you're second-guessing yourself... :P