Re: LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (5)

[dday]

Thanks Sandi. I needed to hear that one as well.

[gs9]

Thank you Sandi, I really needed to hear it too. I am really struggling with this. She uses these instances of when I'm being detached and showing her I'm gone to justify her actions and to continue the D proceedings.

She just a text bc she is out of state at her family's house and she is having trouble accessing our family email. Here she is asking me to come to the rescue again. If I'm hearing you correctly I should just not respond?

[gs9]

I never responded.

[sandi2]

No rescue, no respond, no recognition. She's a big girl, time to wear those big girl panties.

[gs9]

Thank you Sandi,
She does use my pulling away, my blowing her off and her accusations as justifications for going through with the D. I guess what i worry about is that she has very rarely ever taken responsibility for her actions. She usually blames everyone else. I'm afraid she'll continue to use my detaching as a "see I knew I was doing the right thing" excuse for going through with the D.
But I also know pursuing her, taking care of her and being there for her doesn't help either. I guess I'd rather be detached when the D finalizes knowing I did everything I could using the wise counsel here then still be pursuing her when it finalizes.
What do I do when she climbs in my lap and tells me she loves me more than anything in the world? I don't want to be unloving but also don't want her to be cake eating too.

[gs9]

ugh! so many questions. WW and D4 are 5 hours away at her brothers house. They were supposed to be here by 1 pm so I could spend time with D4. WW just sent to text
1. If you need to work I don't think we'll be there until at least 2. Sorry

2. Did you hear anything about the equity loan?

My first reaction is to not respond at all. It was unusually thoughtful for her to tell me they were going to be late but so what and I've already told her the bank needs the mortgage statements, which she has to provide, in order to move forward with the equity loan.

I think she is just temp checking again to keep her in the front of my mind and to see how quickly I'll respond.

[sandi2]

A WW can use anything, twist it around, and make it into whatever she wants.......if she's looking for justification. So what if she uses it to justify her actions? If it's not this she'll find something else. The mistake I see so many LBH'S make, is becoming a slave to the fear he'll do something she won't like (and worry she will use it to D him). Let me give all the LBH'S a news flash..........it is impossible for them to measure up, b/c she doesn't want him. Even if she has to lie to justify herself, she will. Before she will want him again, he has to cause her to believe he's done and no longer cares what she does.

It is much better for him to just be the kind of man that makes him feel good about himself, and stop worrying if she likes it or not. (That's the bad-boy attitude that draw girls toward them). Not that you want to be a bad-boy, but I'm saying that you would probably have a greater chance in getting her adoration and respect back, if you stopped trying so hard to always please her. It's the nice-guy traits that she doesn't respect and is not attracted to it. I hate to say it about my own gender, but if a man tries too hard to keep her pleased, it will result in her not feeling attracted.

[gs9]

thank you Sandi,
I wish I had you on speed dial. I know when we first started dating she pursued hard bc I kept withdrawn from her. She was going through her first D and I didn't trust she wouldn't go back to her first H so I guarded my heart and didn't let her get close. Through her A's I have at times reverted back to this attitude but it's tough to maintain.
You are right about the bad boy attitude. She is attracted to it. I can tell because of her negative and jealous reactions to certain things I've done.
ie
-staying out late a couple nights a week- she accuses me of having a girlfriend
- working out at the gym- she accuses me of doing steroids and f'ing 17 year olds at the gym
- my new truck - she said " well you'll look hot picking up those 21 year olds at the gym."

I've been talking about getting more tattoos for about 10 years now. Several years before we met. I haven't because of finances. She loves it. Maybe now would be a good time. Finances are solid and I've been waiting a long time. I would ultimately do it for myself because it's something I've wanted for a long time but I also know it would drive her crazy

[gs9]

so when she asks why I'm not helping her or blowing her off how do I answer this without being an unloving jerk?

[gs9]

So WW returned home. Was friendly. Weird how I'd like to hug her and welcome her home but I didn't. Feel like such a chump.

She wanted to talk about the D which we have to tell the courts on Monday morning if we're contested or not contested. We were non contested until she started asking for more money. I told her she hasn't given me a counter proposal. She said there isn't a counter. She's going with what her lawyer said she should get for child support. I said then I'm going to need all the bank statements I asked for. Her business statements and personal statements. I asked for these last week and she made bunch of excuses how the company is mostly her partners and they haven't made any money yet. Today she began repeating herself. Trying to convince it was a big waste of time. I told her I would rather have this conversation over email. She said she believes we can talk about it. She was standing her ground. I said well I'm going to need all the statements i've asked for. She mockingly repeated me. I told her my half of the conversation was over and I left the room. then D4 and I left. Not much longer she sent a text that said "I'm sorry for being a jerk." I didn't respond.