Day Two

[mirage]

Life,

A couple things I have learned through this journey we call life.

You cannot help someone through, not going through with suicide. I watched my twin brother travel that road and go through with it. He had the support, but didn't choose the road we would have all thought. He left two sons behind.

Those kids went through hell( A long story) but I was just with them for Thanksgiving. As of right now they are doing really well and are young adults at this point in life.

Secondly, I don't believe in mistakes(over protecting) your daughters. You are doing the best you can and from what I see a good job.

My daughter now 17(EXW left when she was 11) will say to people often, I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my father. Looking back I lead with actions and not words. If I said I would do something I did it. It made an impression on her.

Life, you do your best. You be the best rock you can be. Sure your rock may get a little dirty, a little chipped, but guess what it's still a rock.

My kids grew up more quickly because of the divorce. They saw life wasn't always this picture perfect story that unfolds.

Keep "livin the answers" for yourself as they arise.

Mirage

[AJM]

Agreed. You do the best you can with the information and experience you have at the time.

At some point you'll have to show your daughters it's ok to let their mom take care of herself. That it's ok to not control or "fix" somebody else regardless. That's tough, but it's a valuable lesson for the kids.

Life is for the living. Live it.

AJ

[Lifes Twists]

Hi everyone,

Sorry it has been a long time posting but I have been sick for a while. I have been way over worked at my job which lead to me getting way to worn down and catching pneumonia. I did not realize I had it and went to work while fighting it for about two months before I ended up in doctors care. I have been out for over a week now and have finally got my head clear and had time to reflect on my situation.

I found out my ex is in the running away mode again. She has basically stopped caring or dealing with our older two daughters. She said she is not prepared to deal with it and has just shut them out. She is now chasing men again to try and get a new life and abandon the one she has left.

I had hopes until now. I think some of my judgement was clouded due to illness and lack of good sleep with rest. I am now seeing what she is doing and saying. I am now again hearing what my daughters are telling me.

I believe that some of our spouses are too ill to ever face the challenge and will always choose to run. I think this can be traced to their families as well. When i take a serious look at my wife's family I see not one good relationship between my wife's siblings and their children. I see a lot of wreckage. How one family can spread the same wreckage is beyond comprehension.

I have reaffirmed my vow to be the rock for my children. I may make some mistakes along the way. I will no longer try and help their relationship with their mother. I will no longer prop her up and bail her out. She needs to deal with her choices.

I know this may sound harsh. I have to do this to give my daughters a chance to get out of this a normal view and maybe the room to heal.

[job]

I am so sorry to read that you've been sick. I do hope that you are taking care of yourself and taking things slowly so that you can get back up on your feet.

I agree w/what you posted about the family dynamics. I know that my former h's family was a train wreck. Many of them divorcing, having affairs, etc., and didn't think anything of it. My xh's father had been married 5 times and had affairs in between the marriages and no one blinked an eye. It's sad what can happen to families, but more importantly the children that have to live in such a state.

I know that you are going to be the best dad and supportive of your daughters. You are their rock, so it's important to take care of yourself, get back on your feet and enjoy the time you have w/them. They grow up so fast.

Please take care of yourself.

[123Gwen]

LT - I completely relate to your situation and I just want to say how much I admire you and am cheering you on from afar. As time moves forward my H seems to be more mentally unstable but perhaps I was just naive? Regardless protecting my girls and being their rock is my main focus these days.

Hope you are feeling better. Sending you virtual soup and tea.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Everyone,

Its been a while and things are still up and down. I am no longer working with that company. They were not a good place to work and being as sick as I was did not really care and were continuing to push me for more even as my doctors were saying rest and recuperate. It finally came to a head and I had had enough and basically let them have it. Life is too short to deal with that.

I am dealing with a tough situation with my youngest daughter. She is angry most of the time and treats both her mother and me terribly. She had her first and hopefully only car accident today. It was minor and not her fault. She wanted to get a bite to eat and as I was on the line with her mother I invited her along so she could get caught up with the events. Well daughter goes off on this. She told me that we are divorced and are not supposed to do anything as a family. She gets very angry when wife and I are in each others company. It goes way beyond normal teenager stuff. I feel like she is taking out her anger over the divorce and break up of the family on us.

I have suggested to ex that we should meet with daughters counselor and see if she can help us. Ex will call tomorrow.

Anyone have any suggestions or experience with something like this? I feel at times ex wants to work on something and then daughter gets in the way. Unfortunately we cant meet up on the sly as the kids are too nosey and find out.

[bttrfly]

Here's my thought, and it's not from any experience or anything, but it just kind of came to me ...

so you and your W split, go through two years or so of all of the attendant pain we all experience and then the D is finalized. Now it seems W may want to work on things. Daughter is angry. Why? Because you guys just ripped her world apart and now you're going to get back together? So why has she gone through all this for the past two years? This is from the viewpoint of a teenager ...

To be honest, it's something i've wondered about whether or not my own son would feel like that if my H and I went through with our D and then tried to get back together.

Anyway, does that make any sense (about her anger?)

xoxoxo

[Lifes Twists]

I had the same thoughts. The problem is her anger is spilling over into how she treats other people as well.I am feeling that we need to not continue to allow this behavior at this point. I am hoping daughters counselor will back this up.

Ex was never strong on putting her foot down because of her own childhood. I hope she will listen to counselor and begin to deal with it face on. One of her complaints about me was she felt I was to strong on the girls yet would always expect me to step in when things got out of control. I feel that part of wifes healing has to be for her to finally is to not allow the girls to walk all over her.

[ciluzen]

Hi LT.

I have two adult daughters that are experiencing my H and I going through D (he filed in Jan and we have a second mediation coming up this summer). They have been very open with me about the confusion, pain and sometimes out and out anger they deal with due to our separation (and now the sale of our family home, as well).

They love us both.
They miss being able to use us as an example of a "good" relationship.
They are now in the position of feeling they have to comfort and advise us (parent/child relationship flip).
Our holidays/ special occasions are separate, difficult,and stressful rather than comforting and joyous.
They want "Mommy and Daddy" when they are having a hard time, but feel guilty burdening us while we are both already mentally and emotionally stressed.
They are unmoored.
They almost feel that they were lied to...that our loving R was an act (what does that mean about our love for them?).

All of these emotions are complex and confusing. Add to the mix that your daughter is a teen and her world was turned upside down when hormones, school, and her own foray into the world of teen relationships are pushing her stress levels up and over...What a mix! Then to watch you two get back together...
She is probably hopeful, but at the same time doesn't want to go through the pain again. Of course she's going to be angry...at the world.

You're right. A counselor might help, but maybe not to control her behavior. Maybe more to help her understand her anger and channel those feelings, understand them, and deal with them in a healthier way. Putting your foot down and "disallowing the behavior" (I agree, it does need to stop) by just getting tough will most likely blow up in a worse way unless she is helped to understand what is happening...to her.

I'm happy for you that even after D, the two of you are still trying to work on things. Working together to deal with your daughter's issues through a counselor can also be a doorway to understanding your own. I hope it is helpful to all of you.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi ciluzen,

Its really tough walking the tight rope we are all walking.

I have written a letter to her counselor outlining all that is going on.

I have had several bad days now with youngest daughter. I can understand her anger with the whole situation. Its part of the grief process. The problem is I think she is stuck in the anger part and not moving on from it.

My biggest issue is the disrespect. I want the best for her like any parent. When she uses F"yxx to me and throw a hissy fit temper tantrum it is going to far. Today I finally said to her through her closed door that I was not going to accept that any more. I told her from here on out that each time she is disrespectful that she would loose her privilege to drive the car for a day. I feel like my hands are tied and that I do need to set some boundaries on how she will treat me and what the consequence is if she violates it.