Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4
Verum #2520913 12/27/14 06:22 AM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
V
Verum Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
It's been awhile, but I thought worthwhile to post because I think my situation is improving the way many hope when they begin DB-ing. My W has changed very much. I no longer feel that she is looking elsewhere. She has changed from several years ago -- she is more interested in friendship, physical activity, new experiences, etc., but she is no longer thinking about divorce, new guys, and she is no longer focused on meeting mid-life.

I am posting this because I think my story is a success, and many successes are not posted here because when things go well, people feel good and no longer post to this forum.

I no longer feel the anxiety that I felt before, but I do think by DB-ing, I expect more from a relationship, and for this I am looking for more. My W is is definitely coming down from a MLC. She now includes me in things, she no longer seeks distance from me, and many other positive advances. In fact, she wore her wedding ring for the first time in several years this past week. I was lying in bed near her night-stand where she keeps her jewelry. She showed me a ring a girlfriend from Saudi Arabia gave her. A big gold ring with an arabic symbol on it. She said how she wanted to wear this to a party. I must have made a face because part of her not wearing the wedding ring was not wearing any ring. The next day when we went to a Christmas party, she wore our wedding ring. I did not remark on it, although I noticed. The next day we went to another Christmas party, and I remarked on her wearing the ring, saying, "I always liked that ring." One of my DB-ing goals was her wearing her ring.

Other changes is that she wants me to go with her. I am no longer excluded, but included. She doesn't behave as if it is the end of the world when family events intrude on her social life.

With that said, MLC has changed her. She is less "warm and cosy" than before, she is more interested in an active social life than before. I think my lesson is that MLC does change the person. They will not be the same as before.

Things are not perfect. I think what bothers me most is that it seems that many things she did during the height of MLC she forgets or does not admit. No big apologies. If you're going through a spouse with MLC, my advice is don't expect that they will come out the same as when they went in. Also, don't expect recognition of the process.

What do I have left? I've changed from DB-ing where you don't acknowledge many of their behaviors to where I ask for what I want. What we have not done yet is have a discussion of where we are. We have not had any deep discussions of our relationship. I am waiting for the right time. I guess I learned DB-ing so well, but I have not learned piecing very well.

Other positives I have noticed is the Christmas gifts I have received, my wife's love language is gifts, and one of my indicators has been what she has gifted me. During the height of MLC it was very poor, in fact, an after thought. This Christmas she spent way too much on me, and she obviously thought about me.
This was a positive.

Other changes about MLC is that my wife is less interested in sex. I think part of MLC was her interest in sex, in terms of being attractive to other men -- i.e., being young and attractive. This carried over into our relationship. She is less interested in sex now, and seems to accept many of the changes in getting old (e.g., joint pain, weight gain, ...).

I use this forum partly as a journal of where I've been. Also, since I've recieved so much good advice, I want to give back. I hope others find some good nuggets in my posts.


------------------
Verum #2520948 12/27/14 12:43 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I'm glad you can back to post an update. Sounds like she's slowly coming out of the fog and warming back up to the real world. Take things slowly. Accept her for who she is today because she may not be the exact same person that she was when she entered MLC. It will take some time before she's completely out of the fog and you must continue to keep your expectations at "low" or even "zero" right now.

When the time is right, you'll have those relationship discussions, but for now, allow her to continue to feel safe in order for her to open up more and more about her feelings/emotions and yes, involving you in her day-to-day living, etc.

Continue as you have been because whatever you are doing is working...but keep the one thing you will need is more patience as time marches on.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2521404 12/29/14 05:00 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
V
Verum Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
Job, thanks for the reply.

She has opened up a lot and cares what I think. She is also more natural around the house, family, etc. This coming weekend we will visit her brother, who we have not seen in almost 3 years. Yet, another change back to something more normal.


------------------
Verum #2521417 12/29/14 05:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Slow and steady. Keep doing whatever you are doing as it is working.

Remember, this is going to be a new relationship and will need to be treated as such. Okay?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2626913 11/27/15 06:17 AM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
V
Verum Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
It has been almost a year since I posted. I like the forum, have visited a few times since and thought to post again.

Over the past year, my relationship has been OK with my wife. Many things have happened in our life. I am now the manager of my department. My wife started school for nursing, it is online and doesn't take her away from the house -- if you read my story, she was considering schools where she would have to move away. My three girls are doing fine, growing into nice young ladies. I have hobbies and things I do, my wife has her things, and there are things we do together.

My wife and I traveled alone to Turkey in June, and with some friends to Mexico in October.

We have only rarely have had relationship discussions in the past year. One was about 3 months ago, and was instigated by me spying on her phone. I saw a message between her and her girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the country, and it was about the guy my W had a crush on. He has a GF and he texted something to my W. Her friend asked if he was "jealous of me", and my W answered, "why would anyone be jealous of my H". It really pissed me off. I confronted her, and her attitude was that it was as if she was talking to her girlfriend and it is not what she really feels. She compared to to guys talking in a bar and complaining about their wives.

She told me she just doesn't feel "in love" that much with me, and maybe it will come back.

On the other hand, she has been wearing her wedding ring because I asked her to. As I mentioned earlier, we have traveled alone together. In February of 2015, she would hug me in the morning and showed love much more. It decreased, and recently it increased slightly again. She will kiss me goodbye when she leaves. She invites me to join her in social activities. She does defer to my wish if I press it. A couple of weeks ago, the guy she had a crush on, invited her to join him to fly some other friends up to Napa Valley -- he has a pilot's license. She texted me about noontime about the invite, saying she wanted to go, but added a smiley face meant to convey anxiety about what I would think. I replied to the text, "I'd rather you not go". She replied, "OK". and she didn't go. When I got home, she was walking past the door, stopped, greeted me with a kiss, we spoke briefly, but because there were other people around that was it. We never spoke about it. I'm glad she didn't go, I do wish she would have turned it down, without asking me about it.

I mentioned this before, and I see it strongly. My wife's MLC has lead to permanent changes in her. She is more physically active, she is much more social, and she is much more assertive. Socially, it is as if she cannot say no to an invitation to go out.

In September I had scheduled for us to go to Retrovaille. She was going to go, but reluctantly. She didn't think it would make any difference, but would go to make me happy. We had to cancel and never went. Not sure if I should try again? She argues we don't have communication problems.

On the outer surface of our relationship, everything is good. However, I know internally because she has told me that she doesn't love me like she did. As I said, she'll kiss me goodbye, we have a regular sex life, and do things together, as a family, and individually. Really healthy. I think if none of the recent history of the past 3-5 years of our relationship existed, I would not even think twice about our relationship. Because of the history, knowing what she thinks, it bothers me from time to time.

We were in the hot tub last night, and we had a conversation that touched on age. My wife said how women after 40 lose their "value" much faster than guys. She also told me she is going to see her GYN in a couple weeks and will ask about hormone therapy. She said sex feels "muted" and she has a few other symptoms, albeit slight, of menopause. I wonder how much such therapy would change our relationship?


------------------
Verum #2626953 11/27/15 02:11 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Go to C. That is a must to get the road map you need to get on track


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard