dday, attempting to find clarity

[tl2]

I can't regain her respect unless she forgives.

Exactly. It sounds to me like you've made changes worthy of respect from your W. If she refuses it's on her. I know that doesn't make you feel better. My STBX still brings up minor stuff I did decades ago as justification for whatever she wants. Sorry you have to go through that cause I know it's no fun.

[dday]

Thanks tl2. The forgiveness and respect correlation is simple, but has been out of my grasp for some reason. I too have had things brought up from before kids. Things I have forgotten about. Things I didn't know bugged her. Part of that is on me, part on her. Justification is exactly right.

I DO respect myself now. I am fighting an honorable fight. I have bettered myself. It is worth it. Most people give up, but not those of us here. Even if I can't have a future R, I will be a better person because of this. For me. For my boys. And for whoever I share the rest of my life with.

[PigPen]

I DO respect myself now. I am fighting an honorable fight. I have bettered myself. It is worth it. Most people give up, but not those of us here. Even if I can't have a future R, I will be a better person because of this. For me. For my boys. And for whoever I share the rest of my life with.

That's magic dday. There's something that changes us that comes from fighting a fight we probably won't win. It's noble, no matter what brought us here in the first place, our own mistakes or our spouse's. Keep letting it change you for the better.

Trust in this process, the near violent levels of self improvement needed. Rd passed something on to me that I'll pass on to you as well. "You've become an H only a fool would leave, now what does that make your W?"

Keep working, day in, day out. Good things lie ahead.

PP

[dday]

Thanks pp! I am far from perfect, but I do believe that I am someone only a fool would leave. We've had a comfortable life, and I think we both took things for granted. I will keep working on me, and hope she catches up someday.

[mutatio]

At some point I stopped fearing the end of my marriage and the loss of my wife. It was no longer my primary motivation.

I now am driven to be the best man I can be, for me. This is what I want for myself. This puts the fire in my belly.

What is dday's motivation?

[dday]

That is a great question mutatio. I love my boys and want to give them the best. Splitting up will/has put a huge dent in their lives. Not destroyed, but damaged. I want to do right by them and make them happy and proud.

Also, I know that I have done everything I knew to do to try and save my M. That means a lot to me. I miss W, my home, my dog, waking up and my whole world is safe and secure under the same roof.

So, my motivations are my boys and my own pride. I want to be the best I can be for myself, and the boys.

[mutatio]

Your pride and integrity will be the engine to help you detach. Of course your boys are additional motivation but you want the best for them in any circumstance. Your motivation to fight the good fight and to do the right thing is internal.

When the next weak moment happens, we all have them, try to use your pride. Pride is powerful, it is so powerful it is one of the seven deadly sins. Your on a righteous crusade so you'll be fine. Reach down and find strength in your pride while trying to detach. Small steps forward add up in the end and get you where you need to be. Be strong

[dday]

Thanks mu. I have to give her back the papers soon, I am sure that will be a weak moment. I'll try to be strong, but this is the worst thing I have ever been through. I wouldn't wish this on an enemy.

I have to balance protecting myself with giving us the best chance for R.

[Azzork]

Dday -
I truly think that your best chance at reconciliation IS to protect yourself. There is no 'balancing' to do. The whole 'don't make her too upset' thing just doesn't mean anything. Look at the damage that they do....and we go around thinking that if we don't make them toooooo upset, that they'll change their mind.

Ultimately, worry and focus on what you think is best for your kids. Otherwise, give her the things you can and fight for what you NEED.

[dday]

Thanks az. I know now that she has to forgive me for everything before we can ever approach r. By everything, I mean what really transpired, and her rewritten version too. As far as the splitting goes, I could be happy with either side of my proposal. Column a or b. I am going for equal. I don't want to screw her, financially, but I don't want screwed either...financially