Judy, thanks for dropping by, I have missed you! I feel that you are right, she is keeping me just close enough for her plans...whatever they are. She is still trying to talk to me as if nothing has changed. Wednesday night it was dentist, shopping, dogs, etc. Last night it was black Friday stuff. My sis is starting a new business, and W took her card when I showed her. W has been texting my sister too. And they hadn't communicated since W filed. Why now?
I am trying to figure out how to be as dark as possible, and not be an ass. I still want a chance at R, but I don't with the person she is right now. So it's going to take work on her end. I am closer to the values and actions of the person she married. W has never been farther. I know it can work out. If she wants it to. I am losing my faith in her though. That is another big blow.
My grandma, in the nursing home, yesterday said to me to keep praying and that God takes things away sometimes to make us realize what we had. And sometimes because they would get so much worse. Said to have faith that it will all work out. I'm trying!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
dday, I just read this and thought you might like it. It resonates with me. I did not write it only copied and pasted it. Let me know what you think.
To do something big, people need to be brave. Bravery will bring them success and accomplishment in life. Without bravery, they will fail at the first step. That is because fear obstructs the way to success and accomplishment. There is a Zen story, which explains this well. Here is the story:
There once lived a Zen Master, who lived alone on a far off island. From time to time, he came to the mainland to get some necessities. People always donated to him his basic requisites and invited him back to stay in the town again. He said that the island was a good place for him to learn Dhamma and do meditation.
Once a group of young people asked him whether he was afraid of ghosts, or anything, living alone on the island. He answered them, "There is no ghost out there. Fear is in your mind. You need to learn to know your mind. Otherwise your untrained mind will delude you, or it will create fear for you, or worry, or anxiety and so on" They asked him what enabled him to be brave. He replied, "Wisdom enables me to be brave. Wisdom is the weapon which enables me to overcome all obstacles in my life". He continued: "Do you know that all people need to have bravery in their life? For instance, not being afraid of death is the bravery of soldiers; not being afraid of fierce animals is the bravery of hunters; not being afraid of desires is the bravery of monks. And the weapon for all these people to fight with is wisdom. If they have wisdom, it enables them to overcome all obstacles in life" They all understood what the Master said, and confirmed this to him, by stating: "We can see that wisdom is so beneficial to all living beings."
We, too, surely must agree that there is absolutely no doubt about this. In life if we lack wisdom, we will live our life in danger. Wisdom, therefore, is so necessary in life. With wisdom, we know that everything is going to be fine. All problems can be resolved by wisdom. One aspect of wisdom is that it is sharp, as it can cut off everything, even rebirth, which is very difficult to cut.
Be brave and wise in living your life and then everything will be OK. Let us constantly ask ourselves whether we are brave enough to face the realities of life, all of those problems we have. If we are not brave enough, the task is to learn to be brave. Wisdom, too, will also encourage us to face all of life’s problems.
dday, our bravery is to stand up for ourselves at the risk of losing the our spouse. Our wisdom is knowing we will be alright without our them. Be well dday, be strong
Thanks mutatio. Yes I can get something from this story. Wisdom, to me in this case, is learning and knowing myself. I am working on that. I have tried to train myself to name what I am feeling, not let it control me, find why I feel that way, and let go of it. It's a start.
Brave. That is such a coincidence that I hear that thus morning. My grandma said something similar about finally being brave enough to face things and not run from them. And to quit being such a worrier.
I will be the best dad I can. I still love my W, but I need to pull away. I need to do it with love. I need to find out how to do it.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I am grateful for my boys. They even said to me that they want to stay with me. Makes me feel like I am doing some good with them. I wasn't the best dad a couple years ago, but no one will be able to say that now!
I am grateful for my extended family. They have helped me more than they can know. Cousins, uncles, grandparents, etc. They are all a big help.
I am grateful for friends. Had one drop by out of the blue last weekend. Hadn't seen him in 10 years. Have another one coming this afternoon that I haven't seen in years. (Both of them were groomsmen in my wedding, coincidence?) I was told that other common friends are talking about us in town, saying that they don't get this, and are sure we will get back together. That feeling is fading for me.
Seriously, if anyone can tell me how to do dark while having kids, I need to do it. I can't let go with her sitting near me.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
dday, I was feeling like your feeling and then there was a change. Small and subtle, I noticed I was tired of the sadness. I was tired of it because it was getting me nowhere and nothing was changing. From that feeling it turned to annoyed with her because she was not talking and was not trying. After that I started making contingency plans in case my marriage did blow up. That brought me to here. Now I don't worry about me. I worry about her. Will she ever stop struggling, will she ever seem not depressed. I want to spend my life with her. If I can't I will be fine. That is how I detached. You will do it in small steps, it will creep up on you and then one day, sadly you'll be detached.
I agree with you mutatio. I worry about my W a lot. And my kids. Something has happened between us, and I can no longer read her. She has became a pretty good actress lately. Making me second guess everything.
I know that everyone tells us to detach. I'm not sure that you do it. I believe a lot of it just happens over time.
In a sick way, I believe her statement of "I don't respect you" is helping me. Making me see things in a different light. It explains how she can do these things to our family. It stems from her not forgiving me over a comment made during a drunken argument years ago. I can't regain her respect unless she forgives. The comment has made me look at her actions differently, and the timing of everything. I see now, finally, that she isn't ready to work on us because she isn't done working on her.
I have to give her back the divorce paperwork, with my notes. I was supposed to Wednesday, but I didn't want to ruin thanksgiving for anyone. The last 14 years together comes down to 7 pages. Painful
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
