Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2626909 11/27/15 04:48 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
2
2ltl2lt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
Hello all,

Wife and I have been together for 18 years and married for 13.
We have two wonderful children D11 and S7.
I am 39 she is 38.
She is a very intelligent woman with a masters degree and is a CPA. We met in high school and dated for awhile before, as she says, "I broke her heart " and went back to another girlfriend.
We remained friends as we finished high school, she went off to college and I stayed in our hometown with then girlfriend. Things didn't work out between girlfriend and I, and I became single again at 20 years old. A few months later I ran into my now wife at a local club while she was visiting from college.
We immediately connected and we're constantly writing each other while she was away. (This was before cellphones were common). Anyhow, I ended up moving to her college town and worked there while she finished her bachelors degree. We were always together and were very happy. After she finished her degree we moved back to our hometown and she got a job in her field and I went back to work at my previous employer.

Several months go by and she quits this job and goes to a new one. After about a year there she was not getting along with her boss and ended up leaving this job as well.
She then came to work at the same place I was and we were together again all the time. We bought a house had our first child and were very happy. We continued this for about 5 years. We decided to build a new home in anticipation of having another child and sold our home moved in with in laws and we self contracted the build.

I did a lot of the work on the house myself after hours of my regular job.
We spend nearly a year on this and she gets pregnant towards the end of the build. Perfect timing. I am somewhat of a workaholic and she is a very schedule driving person. I would routinely work 60-70 hours a week and she would work 40 period. We move into new house have S and are very happy still. This was 7 years ago and I am thinking that we have begun our journey of the American dream.
In 2010 a new job opportunity comes up that sounds like it would take us to a new level of income so I decided to take a chance. The commute was brutal and the hours were long. I was hardly ever home and started drinking more and gained a lot of weight. This continued for three years and she had since got another job.

This is when she says things started going south. Although we were bringing home more money than ever she was carrying most of the load at home and I was always tired and irritated.

W expressed her concerns in a letter one night and I didn't react to it the way she thought I should. I wasn't angry or disrespectful but just didn't hear it the way she wanted me to.
It basically outlined her unhappiness about our situation and my increased drinking and weight gain. I did take it seriously and cut back on the drinking and started to exercise more. Over the past two years I have dropped 60 lbs.

I spend more time with the kids and the wife. I end up leaving that job to start a business.
She is not overly excited but agrees to handle the accounting and business side of things while I handle operations. As with any new business we struggle to make it work. I am not bringing home hardly any money and am still working long hours and weekends. Fast forward a year which puts us at about four months ago from now and she starts staying out late on Friday nights after playing softball, she has played almost continuously since she was 8 years old.

She played in college and we played together for a good while. This goes on for a few months and is extremely out of character for her.
I become suspicious that something is wrong. When I ask her about it she says she just needs to unwind and hang out with her friends. She never drank before this and started drinking every Friday after the games. I then looked at her phone and saw the old inappropriate text between her and a guy on the team. I didn't say anything.

For three weeks. One morning I wake up and ask her if she is cheating on me. She says no, but has kissed some random guy that she has not seen since.
Which I knew was a lie, because of the texts I had seen. I didn't say that I knew.
I thought I would let her tell me the truth. She wouldn't. We agree to see IC and on her first appointment she goes out to a local bar with OM. Low and behold my mother also shows up there and sees them together.
I didn't know this at the time. The same night when W gets home she gets in the shower and I check her phone and see that she planned to meet him there all day. I confront her and tell her she needs to move out.
This is when she gives me the old ILBNILWY speech and says that she doesn't think she can ever bridge the gap between us again. She moves in with MIL and I stay home with the kids.
It has been almost two months ago and she has since parted ways with OM but is actively and openly trying to date others.
She seems to be being honest with me since leaving and I tend to believe her because of the blatant absurdity of it. At this point we are going to counseling independently and jointly. She is still pursuing dating other people. Says she doesn't love me anymore but cries when she says it.
Still reeling from it.
Never thought it would happen to us.

Last edited by Cadet; 11/28/15 09:08 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability

M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7
T: 18
M:13
I suspect problem: 8/15
ILYB: 9/15
Never quit on love
I ask her to leave:10/15
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Hi TLT, welcome to a group of wonderful supporters. If you will post often, you will get more replies. Stick with us, and be sure to read those links from Cadet's post. If you have not read Divorce Remedy, get it ASAP. Also, you might want to set up some sessions with the DB coaches.

Several years ago, I was a wayward wife. My best encouragement to you is to say that things can turn around. It will probably take longer than you thought, b/c she has to experience some things......go through a process, if you will.

In the meantime, you can do things on your end of the spectrum.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,746
Hi, welcome to the board, but sorry you are here. Unfortunately sounds similar to my h.. It's as though a switch goes off in their head, and they start to turn into a bratty teenager wanting to rebel. And they start all the contributions.

There is some great people on here with great advise. And I agree with sandi2, get the divorce remedy book and start reading it. You've got to become the man only a fool would leave.


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
2
2ltl2lt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
Thanks for the replies, I have been lurking here for a month and a half so I am familiar with the welcome post (homework) and with Sandi and her story, which has really guided me thus far in this mess. I don't know exactly how but I found this site and was immediately drawn into Sandis story very early into my sitch. I'm glad I did.
As I said, I asked her to leave after I discovered the lying, she says she lied to keep from hurting me. I did a few dumb things like begging, crying, confronting OM, endless R talks etc. She was upset that I went to her softball game and confronted OM in front of the whole team, who was apparently unaware of them being in an affair together. But I didn't do it to get a reaction from her or to try to embarrass her, I did it because I think doing anything inappropriate with a married woman especially my wife deserves a whoopin'. Anyway we really didn't end up fighting or anything physical other than yelling and him running away. But I do believe they are not together now. She is hell bent on dating other people and had no problems telling me so. She has created a Tinder account and is trying to meet with people through it all the time, even when she is killing time waiting to pick up our D from dance practice.

My focus is shifting though, more away from her crapola and toward the kids and myself.


M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7
T: 18
M:13
I suspect problem: 8/15
ILYB: 9/15
Never quit on love
I ask her to leave:10/15
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
2
2ltl2lt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
Thanks,

I have read DR and continue to reread it often. It is crazy to me that these situations are so common and so similar. Just wish someone would have warned me going in. The bratty, rebellious teenager is the best way to describe it.


M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7
T: 18
M:13
I suspect problem: 8/15
ILYB: 9/15
Never quit on love
I ask her to leave:10/15
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
2
2ltl2lt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
For thanksgiving I invited the whole tribe to our house (her family and mine) without directly inviting her or involving her in any of the planning. The kids and I made an apple pie and mashed potatoes and such and I got up early to cook the turkey. I had each individual family bring a different food item. This is a big 180 for me as in the past she would have handled all of this. She was here and did help clean a little before anyone else showed up. All in all it was very nice. W and I ended up talking a lift R stuff before she headed back to MILs. Probably not a good thing but I am beginning to see the purpose behind detachment and the STFU soda pop.


M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7
T: 18
M:13
I suspect problem: 8/15
ILYB: 9/15
Never quit on love
I ask her to leave:10/15
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
2
2ltl2lt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
2
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Likes: 2
So W and I went to MC last night and talked about where we are right now. She says she isn't ready to move at all toward R. She is still upset that I confronted OM and "tried to embarrass her in front of her friends " and that she didn't think I would have done anything like that. Which for the most part is true, I am not a violent person and haven't been in a physical fight since I was in my early 20s. It actually takes a lot to get me aggravated in general, but when it comes to threatening my family well then all bets are off. After she said this she still wouldn't say that she wanted to D even after the C asked her. After our session, I went to MILs and picked up the kids and went home. She showed up at the house this morning so I left. I'm still confused as to why she is wanting to immediately start dating people. In the end I believe that she will find out rather quickly that it ain't all it's cracked up to be but still don't understand why. She says that because I was her only real relationship she feels like she missed out on the freedom and excitement of dating. I told her , hey when you get it right you get it right there's no need to go after disappointment.


M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7
T: 18
M:13
I suspect problem: 8/15
ILYB: 9/15
Never quit on love
I ask her to leave:10/15
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 144
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 144
the fact she had an affair and is destroying her family isn't embarrassing, you're the embarrassment. LOL. OK, I'm laughing because it's all script. It's like all these WW have a hive mind. If anything she's embarrassed because her knight in shining armor ran away like a little girl and the guy she didn't fear came out like a bull. Good job. Now don't do anything stupid. Don't hurt anyone and don't get in trouble.

That said, you really shouldn't be having r talks especially if shes in an a. And counseling is very counter productive at this point.


Me 43
W 41
S6,D9,S15
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
T
tl2 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
I second what OhGreat wrote ^^^.

I would suggest building on the alpha manliness by avoiding relationship talk altogether as suggested (^^^) and simply say that there is no point in discussing anything as long as she's involved with someone else, that you're not interested in an open marriage. And then just keep taking care of business with the home, kids, and yourself, and give it some time, see what happens.

I'm no expert but many good MC's won't work with a couple if the W is actively unfaithful.

Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard