You know, there are so many marriage coaches out there and as an information junkie, I have compared most of them. It helped to sort through the BS, but can distract you from having a clear plan and following ONE path. That said, you have the choice of doing the 180 or the LRT from MWD's books. You also can work on rebuilding the connection which is what you are asking regarding contacting him or not.
If you are working on yourself and GAL, that is your most important task. Then you are happy and whole with him or without him. Have you thought of one-way texts to maintain a connection? I just don't get going dark and thinking making it easy on them and not talking for 6 months is going to make anyone miss you and want to come back to you. But a big thing talked about here is that a WS needs to see the loss of something before they snap out of it. If you follow that, then it is more of a "tough love" approach. You are a shining beacon of positivity and change and when they looked back, you weren't chasing after them which makes them curious at least.
And of course you can really, "move on" as in, "I don't need this and I won't be waiting if and when he ever changes his mind"
As for his line about he didn't think you wanted to be married to him, etc. That is pure script. I've heard the same. Or, "you are just worried about the financial loss". Basically, it is trying to turn it around on you. Ignore that.
Good luck and hang in there!
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Thanks Flight. Typically I am very logical and I like to do a lot of research. I have been reading so many things and so many of them are contradictory. I really struggle with whether or not to contact H. Like if I don't contact him, we will lose our connection, but if I do contact him, it will probably make him mad and he won't reply anyway. I am probably overthinking it.
I have been trying to work on myself and GAL. I hardly spend any time at home. Luckily, I have a good support system with my family, my H's family, friends and coworkers.
I am not sure if he is admitting anything is going on with his "friend" yet. A big part of me feels like I just need to wait for whatever is happening between them to play itself out. She lives over 3,000 miles away and they both have too much to lose to have a real relationship. She does seem to know exactly how to manipulate him into caring about her. I just wish he could see through everything and see that she is just trying to manipulate him.
My birthday is coming up next week. I am not expecting him to say anything to me about it. It makes me sad that he can't even acknowledge it. It is amazing to me that all the love we had before could be gone so quickly. I know I wasn't perfect, but neither was he.
Anyways, that is enough of my rambling. Hope everyone is having a good week. Take care all.
One of h's good friends lost her 3 year old daughter last week. It is such a tragedy. I can't imagine how she is feeling. It is hard to make sense of something like this. It puts my issues with h into perspective.
The funeral was yesterday. I was surprised, but h actually came. It was the first time I had seen him since the end of August. It was awkward. I had no idea what to say to him and I guess I was waiting for him to say something to me first. He hugged me when he left. I was reminded then of all I the feelings I still have for him. I almost told him I missed him, but I didn't. Now I am rerunning the entire situation through my head and wishing I would have done things differently. I do feel like I need to tell him how I still feel. I just wish I could get the courage to tell him.
I heard from his family that he does have the divorce papers, he just can't figure out how to fill them out. I think his father is kind of pushing him to file because he thinks it would be better for me. That way I could move on quicker and easier. I kind of feel the opposite. I feel like h just needs time to realize the impact of what he is doing and maybe then he would change his mind.
His family would like me to come to their Thanksgiving get together. I would like to go, but I don't know how he feels about it and I don't want to do anything more to upset him. Is that crazy? They have told me to just come, but I don't know. Maybe I should stop making things easier for him. I feel like if he would just let himself be around me, he would remember what he is giving up and remember his feelings for me. Maybe I am just being naïve.
According to his mom, he does not seem to be so angry with me anymore. He tells her he would like to be friends with me - not sure how that would work.
He still claims this has nothing to do with this "friend" and that they are just friends. I think everyone else can see that this is not the case. I am not sure if he is lying to himself or if he is lying to everyone else.
My birthday is on Tuesday. I have plans to go to dinner with one of my good friends. I am trying to be positive about it. I just have this sinking feeling that he will not acknowledge it at all and I know that will make me sad.
Anyway, it has been a difficult week with everything going on. On the upside, it has made it clear to me I still love him and I don't just want him back because it is familiar. It truly is him that I want back.
Lost Im sorry for your H friend child..that is very sad
I understand when you say you want to tell H how you feel;; but he probably knows..this could push him away further Now might not be a good time to do it - especially if he is dead set on the D
It may be better to just try to incorporate a friendship- see if it goes anywhere
I do have a close friend who has maintained a close relationship with her XH family She also attends most holidays with his family and sometimes her parents come too they have been D for a long time
He doesn't mind her being there, but he usually brings his current GF it still bothers her, but she chooses to want to stay in close touch with her SIL and BIL so it works for her
It may be hard for you to be around him especially if he is going to be distant at the dinner but you can try once and see how it goes- start by being a friend,,or giving a smile to him--thats it
Gal , no R talks and maybe just work on being his friend-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So H told his mom he would prefer I didn't attend their Thanksgiving, but he would be civil if I came. His family says I am more than welcome. I am really torn on what to do. I would like to go, but I don't want to give him another reason to be mad at me. On the other hand, he is going to be mad at me whatever I do, so maybe I should just do what I want without thinking of how he feels. Does anyone have any advice here?
Apparently he also admitted that he left because of his "friend." It is surprising to me that he finally admitted it. He would always talk about how important loyalty and trust were to him. I guess he was wrong or that was all talk.
It's lovely of his family to invite you, but if it was me, I wouldn't go. It's going to be mega awkward and there's potential for drama of some kind or another. Do you have family of your own that you can visit, or good friends who can invite you to their holiday? I'm betting you would have more fun with a friend's family than being awkward around H.
Added bonus: if you're not there his family members are free to spend the holiday telling H what an idiot he is
Thanks kml. I have decided not to go to the Thanksgiving get together. H and I exchanged some texts this week and it did not go well. He is on my health insurance and it was up for renewal for next year. I wanted to keep him on the insurance, but he did not want me to. He said he would get his own by joining an association associated with the store and get the insurance that way. I personally do not trust that he will get the insurance and I think he will procrastinate long enough that he would not be eligible to sign up for it. I know if he doesn't have insurance, I will be liable for any medical expenses he would incur. So even though he did not want me to, I renewed his insurance for next year. Unfortunately, I need a picture of his photo id to verify he can be a dependent.
He is now very angry with me saying that I ignored what he said and he thinks we are not on the same page with things. He wants to talk, which I am sure means he wants to serve me with divorce papers. Maybe I was wrong to sign him up for the insurance we he was adamant that I not sign him up. On the other hand, I was also adamant that I was going to keep him on the insurance. He is saying he can't afford to pay me for the insurance, so I am not sure how he can afford to pay for his own. I have never asked him to pay me for the insurance and I did not expect him to pay me.
I am sure I am handling this situation poorly. At some point, I need to protect myself financially. I can just see him waiting until the last minute to get the insurance and then he would be unable to get it. Then I would be stuck paying his medical bills.
In the middle of all of this, my grandmother passed away. She had been sick off and on for the last few months, so it was somewhat expected. I just really don't have the time or desire to deal with him right now and I need to spend this time with my family. I really don't have time to see him.
Hopefully everyone's week is going well. For everyone in the US, happy thanksgiving tomorrow.
I am very sorry to read about your grandmother. My thoughts and prayers are w/you and your family.
Whatever your h wants to talk about can wait until the holiday is over and your grandmother is laid to rest.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
