She's thinking of leaving again

[Scrant]

Thanks once again for all your time and advice.Today feeling really down for various reasons. Checking with the class W had dropped out a few days before but didn't think to mention it. Reviewing our accounts I saw she had paid for a flight. I always warn her before a big expense. I texted to ask why she hadn't done the same and asked when and where she was going? She replied it is all paid 50/50 and she's going in January. I texted back dates? Where? very secretive! She replied really? I said I didn't understand the comment. She said we'll talk later I'm busy. Don't know what to think. I should know details as S is still on holiday in January and then school. Don't know if W is thinking of taking him to her parents or not. When there is school she sometimes collects him. Emotionally it hurts too, especially after by being told yesterday by her sister and other family members that she is having a bad time, crying etc. Doesn't seem to match with her coldness in the texts. My mind is all over the place.

[Sotto]

Scrant, back off with the questions my friend!! Your W regards herself as a free agent right now and the 'really??' was asking you what right you have to expect an answer to these.

Boundary-wise, if you want her to check with you before making a big expense, simply ask her to do that and no more. Equally, you may want to think about a financial split sooner rather than later

Please try and let go of all that she is doing right now. It will not serve you well. In time things may change, but likely not for a while..

Take care xx

[Scrant]

Thanks Sotto. She just rang me. In the beginning she was a bit tense but I talked her round. I explained why I needed to know and she told me everything. We talked about S and I explained that I have talked to him but she and he need to work things out. She was very interested in everything I was doing and how I was. Told her a couple of things I've done, saidI was fine, keeping busy. She said you have quite a social life. I just repeated doing fine, told her to take care and finished the call. Feel calmer

[Zues126]

I don't get it. Why are you allowing her into your space, texting back and forth, and hugging and kissing her?

Actions speak louder than words, and your actions are telling her that you're her plan B, you will continue to accept whatever treatment she dishes out even if it's literally living with another man and only contacting you when she feels like it in the manner and degree she wants. And all of this explaining, asking questions, sharing your opinions, debating, etc, it's just weak.

You're acting like you've set boundaries but from what I've seen what you've done is cut the pursuing and cake eating from 100% to 40%.

I text/email STBX maybe 1-2 times a month. We have three children together. But it is very clear I will not be friends with someone that chose to destroy my family. I do NOT share my thoughts, my feelings, my perspectives. It's obvious she doesn't care. I moved forward with my life.

The hard reality is in this day and age this isn't unusual. What you need to understand is that she is free to choose her own road, and many WW will indeed never come back. All you can do is enable her and make it worse, and keep yourself trapped in an ongoing tragedy.

What you're doing makes so little sense that I think we need to go a level deeper: What needs of YOURS are being met in this current relationship? Is this relationship, as it is, meeting enough of your emotional needs that you must cling to it even when you are disgusted with her treatment of you? Do you get a sense of purpose from being the 'suffering and noble victim', and pride yourself on how much abuse you put up with?

Might want to figure that out. There is nothing noble about suffering. It isn't noble. That's the spin victims give when they're not strong enough to take control of their lives. GAL is about making new friendships, finding new activities, etc, that can meet the needs you used to get from WW. That is why it is so important, so you don't have to fight to drop the rope, you'll just find you don't need the rope as suddenly it is doing more harm than good. It's on YOU to get to that point.

Sorry to be harsh, I get you're hurting, that's why I'm hoping you see you need to take much more drastic action to put yourself in a better spot. Note- I didn't say 'show her' anything or 'win her back'. I said put yourself in a better spot. She's probably not coming back, and certainly not as long as you're emotionally entangled with her. Bottom line, if you're still hoping she comes around you need to focus more on you and keep moving forward.

[Scrant]

Thanks for your thoughts Zues. It has been six weeks and I'm slowly trying to find a balance that works for me and S. Today he is going to spend some time shopping with W. I want to try to GAL. This week I learnt a bit of cooking. Next week after son goes I have four days holiday which I intend to use to breathe and think what I want to do for me. I'm going to prepare a proposal for separation of finances just to be ready for when/if the day comes. Sort out the flat, pack away the books she didn't take with her but most of all take some time to work on me. I don't text and hasn't seen W since she blew my a kiss a week ago! She seems to be in a fantasy world. She texted this morning to complain I hadn't forwarded a letter earlier, I said she still had time to join her course and I was busy making meatballs. She texted why didn't you tell me. I could have made some for you! I didn't reply. Yesterday when we spoke one thing she mentioned was taking me clothes shopping in the January sales!
S has agreed to meet her for breakfast before his 10 day trip, to avoid her turning up at the station in front of his friends and their families. I think she thinks I'll be breakfasting as well but I think I'll give it a miss. I'm reading the LRT and GAL advice but it is hard to deal with a W who has little physical contact with us but then is capable of trying to behave like nothing has happened when both S and I have made it clear to her that she broken the family unit. S said to me clearly"why should I want to spend time with her now when she never spent time with me before". Of course I still love her despite all the pain she has caused but I can't be doing things with her as if the OM doesn't exist. I've given up the classes to avoid having the same conversations with her and the physical contact. She clearly wants to be more in our lives but I've told I can't play happy families when he's working or out with friends. She doesn't want him there at larger family gatherings at the moment.says I am still part of the larger family. I said I'm not substituting for him. To she just says it isn't like that and other exes do. Judging by texts and yesterday's conversation she still doesn't get it. I notice the texts disappear when OM is around!

[Maximus]

Hi scrant,

You seem to be doing well, keep it up.

Just a couple of tweaks if I may...

I think saying you will not do so and so because of OM could be read as holding on, waiting until OM moves out so I can take his place. A Plan B. Just saying NO thanks without any resons I think is better. Leave out the "because" add endum... NO reasons. Let her guess why and if she asks just say you dont feel like it or similar. Don't let her see there is an emotional reason behind.

As the rest of the guys are saying, do not ask questions.

Listen to your S, he is telling it to you straight.

If she calls you and you feel the urge to pick up, do so. Then say can I call you back and dont. If she calls again say sorry you completely forgot.

I would also stay away from family gatherings. If the bridge between you and them is your W, if she fired you, that bridge is burnt. They are no longer your IL's. Now is not the time to think about them, let her deal with the vacant chair. You have a vacant heart to deal with.

Keep it up bro..

Max

[Scrant]

Thanks Max. I have no problems with IL. In fact the opposite most of them don't want to meet OM and prefer coming around to mine for a meal and to see S. They understand that I won't show if she is going to be there. Just signed up for a pre Christmas cooking course. Trying to keep her out of my head, won't initiate.

[Zues126]

Scrant,

I'm up for a challenge. Give me 5 comments/questions that you might feel compelled to respond to. I'll post how I would reply, along with why. Not to say that's 'right', or that my style or approach is the way you'd like to handle the situation, but maybe you'll notice a pattern.

I agree with not explaining. This is extreme to some forum members, but I see STBX as a murderer. I see my W as dead, and STBX is the one that killed her. I think anyone that is willing to destroy a family for a romantic illusion and convince themselves it's ok is delusional and dangerous. Why would I explain anything to that person? Why would I debate?

No. I protect. I set boundaries. I co-parent.

Maybe a day comes when that person sees the consequences of their journey. Just like maybe there comes a day Charles Manson would regret his crimes. But I'm not going to wait by the jail cell and reading the bible to him hoping he comes around. I'm going to protect myself and stay the heck away as I build my new life.

[Scrant]

Try these Zues or anyone!
I would still like to do things with you and S. OM can't tell me what to do/ doesn't mind/ we don't talk about you.( just said no you left)
We're not a broken family, just a different model of family.
You're better company than he is ( I said yes but you left to be with him)
We can still go on holiday to (her) parents or on a mini break. I'd have no problems sharing a room. ( I said and him?)
You should talk to S. I'm his mother. ( said give him time)
You should have told me you were making meatballs I could have made some for you? Later... How were the meatballs?
I could go on but I think you get the idea.

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, I'm sure Zeus will have some great ideas for responses, and I'll chip in too if that's okay.

1) Doing family things doesn't work for me right now...
2) Unh huh...is that so..
3) Really??
4) Oh, S and I already booked our trip to Las Vegas.
5) Wow, Monica (female cookery teacher) makes the best meatballs I ever tasted!

I would say, never make it about OM, just about how you are living your life now. Afford her very limited access, let some calls go to VM, leave it a while before responding to texts. Put your energy into planning your 'new' life - not thinking about your 'old' one. I know that's hard as it is still early days since the S, but it will truly serve you well.

Take care...x