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Originally Posted By: isittoolate
NDY - just read all your thread - and its inspiring, your were so strong, and committed to doing it right all the way.

Unfortunately the thread locks out on 31/05 - access denied?

Huddy - going to read yours from the start as well.

Thank you IS. That's a nice thing to say. Not sure what's happening with that thread locking out. I'll need to look at it when I have more time. Pity I couldn't save my M though. The rebellion burns fearcly in my ExW.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
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Originally Posted By: isittoolate
Spiff - i know...its like a film script in my head

Huddy - we all are wrecks at the start...its the growth I like to read about.

Word of advice. No matter how much you play that convo in your head it never ever turns out the way you think, and that my fiend will get you on the back foot because suddenly you need to improvise and trust me on this she will twist and turn until you're apologising. Hence, let the evidence speak for itself. At the moment it's just (oh my god I can actually picture her saying this) "Miss interpreted innocent text taken out of context". And suddenly you're the bad guy. I did this many times.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
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I recommend you wait because you make saving your family and marriage (or deciding to divorce) so very much easier when ALL the truth is out on the table versus confronting with deniable proof and then being unable to discover anything because the affairees go on lockdown.

i also consider the likelihood that this has been going on for years. If they shut it down you MAY get an acknowledgement of something recent/current but she can still divorce you saying she told you she wanted a divorce the last two years, blah, blah, blah I wasn't cheating because he knew it was over, yada, yada, yaada.

The truth is obtainable right now (I hope). A few days and you'll hopefully have a lot more answers (and, I'm guessing a lot more hurt and anger).

Without the truth...you remain stuck in this guessing game and questioning your own perceptions (because she's gas lighting you). With the truth - your situation one way or another is going to progress out of stasis.

I appreciate the perspectives of Sandy and Wonka but they are both women. Wonka, as I understand it, is a lesbian so she has no experience with heterosexual marriage nor infidelity in heterosexual marriage. Their recommendations of how men should act and behave are actually, in my opinion, outlines of how most women handle cheating husbands. Most men don't handle it that way despite the women on many forums trying to get them to "man up" in their womanly opinion and act like, well, women. You are a man. As a man, you define your own masculinity. You use your manly logic and reasoning skills to investigate the truth about your situation and resolve to respond accordingly and after seeking wise counsel thereafter. A man doesn't throw temper tantrums. A man doesn't try to intimidate a woman physically. A man speaks the truth, expresses his feelings appropriately without begging. A man can cry.

A man also is strategic and realizes his reactions to infidelity are being or may be measured and used against him. When you go to battle with a wayward wife they are often far more experienced at battling their way through relationship conflict and flipping the table on you. They've been emotionally battling women since elementary school. They don't fight fair and a wayward wife takes that to new heights. You think you've got her busted now but if you aren't smart and just think you can roll in with a little evidence and PROVE she's done anything - you are sadly mistaken. She'll admit nothing until she knows it's useless to deny it any longer. Worse - if she thinks she can deny it she'll make your life miserable for even trying to confuse her and make you out to be the snooping horrible controlling jerk. Basically, she'll project all her lying cheating sneaking attributes upon you and then skewer you for it.

Be a man YOU choose to be but whatever you decide, be a smart man.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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I remember way back when during one of our pre-marriage off periods with my wife where I would play conversations out like that in my head. The only thing that was predictable was my first line... after that she never, ever responded how I expected.... ever.

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NDY - managed to read up to mid june - tough, tough sitch you went through.

Getting away from the EA for now:

These last 3 day I have been away on business and was determined to do no contact unless necessary (except to speak to kids before bed)

This is how W has reached out to me (baby steps)

On Monday , phonecall and text under pretext of kids wanting to talk to me before bed. She then talks about her day at work and tried to extend the call. Later she tagged me in a FB post.

Tuesday, phonecall at work (most unusual) to talk about her 'fears' 'anxiety' re S11 walk to railway station in the morning in the dark. This is the first time he has done it. I validate.

Wednesday I rang her on the way to work ( done to change things around - she again talks about her anxiety for s11)

After work she rings to talk about why I had withdrawn some money from joint account without telling her. This is a mess up by me but I had legitimate reasons and she agreed it was ok during the phonecall). She didnt like the fact I hadn't told her and said it was an issue of trust - TRUST FFS - I so wanted to say what about OM!

I apologised for not telling her and she was fine about it.

She also mentioned how money was tight and we needed to spend less on kids for Xmas (we usually splash out). I thought hmmm, this is the woman who wants us to separate and increase our outgoing by £1000 per month!!

We also talked about arrangements for Friday night when I have a GAL night out. I told her I would be also out from 6:30 - 7:30 - but not why and where.

She's got an issue with me telling her 'I'm going out' but not where and why. She said I wouldn't like it if she did the same. She wants us to be transparent as to where we are going. I said ok - in future I would tell her where. In fact I am going to see IC.

Later she called me back from her car to let me talk to S8 before bed. She didnt have to as I had already spoken to both S8 and s11 earlier.

In summary - she reaches out in a small way talking about her 'fears' and work - something she wouldnt do with OM - they just have stupid goofball convos. She doesnt like it when i go out without telling her where. In future I will just say I'm going to the mall.

Tonight I have a GAl activity - Liverpool v Bordeaux soccer game - my first for several years!


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
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Hi Is,

I havent read all your threads but from what I have, i understand she knows you know about EAPA with OM, are OK with it and whats to know when and where you go?

Reading sandi she places a high value on respect. Do you think she does?

From this post it seems more like keeping you tagged on a line than anything else. A controlling behaviour which if the above is true I dont see why you accept it.

if I misread anything or didnt get the whole picture sorry. Just curious.

Max


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Morning IS

Quote:

NDY - managed to read up to mid june - tough, tough sitch you went through

Thanks man. It was tough. Still is TBH but I'm in a much better place.

Reading your last thread I can see she's temp checking you. I could be wrong but you are clearly on the other end of her rope. She wants to split up but at the same time wants full communication and transparency? While an EA is going on? I think she's twigged that you know and is trying to figure out just how much you know.

Look, she's fired you as her husband. She doesn't get to have the same control she had when you were still a couple. Maximus is correct when he talks about respect. Is she being respectful to you? Not from where I'm siting.

Although there are very few success stories where the M is saved on here what I can say is that this won't get any better until you change the dynamic of your R with your W. I can read that you are thinking along these lines and that is good. It's just the execution of those changes in the dynamic you need to think about. You're doing well here.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
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Max - Its an EA... probably not a PA - She says they are just good friends and yes in my insecurity I said she could carry on talking to him/texting him...a dumb move on my part

But that was before I got more of the picture. I am trying to get the full picture - then I will set a boundary. If a full blown PA - she will be chucked from MBR and more.

If more of a EA, then i will seek advice here, with IC and maybe a DB coach as to how to preceed.

She has also been disrespectful with her tone/irritability/attitude/tutting about very minor stuff I do around the house. She disguises it by includes the boys in her complaint - 'you all never switch off lights'.

Its calmed down as I am away but I will be back on Friday - Wednesday am. If it starts again I will clamp down on it.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 309
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Hi Is,

If you let them continue then that means you knew they were up to no good. I do not have to let anything if it is healthy. I knew my Wwas up to no good after seeing just one message from OM. Nothing incriminating on its own but we know our W and when something is out of sync our gut feeling kicks in.

Another thing, to me an EA is just as bad as PA and also a prelude. Even more. We know how women tick and that they need emotion to fuel the fire. Your W has been given the fuel, are you just waiting for the spark?

I read the transcript of the message, you are being laughed at by the OM and your W and there is definitely an EA going on. In the part I read I did not see any missing you comment but what I did see is inappropriate by any standard.

If you are to gain any respect from your W you need to get it from you first. There are so many expressions to be used to describe your next steps but I would concentrate on boundaries first, then detaching and finally GAL.

As for the richard (d1ck) of her friend, I would erase him and her from FB as friends saying thanks but you are not into groupies and leave it at that.

If you are financing her phone, petrol etc, I would stop it. Tell her this is your idea of an open marriage ... you are open to OM sponsoring her ways. if she wants to be some else's cake then they can pay for the ingredients.

Do not go into a slanging match with her when she rants. STFU listen to her, validate what is correct, disagree with what is not and stop her if she disrespects you. stand up for yourself.

I remember Sandi saying that the eye rolling and others as you metion are signs she has no respect. You need to earn it for now and for later.

Any new relationship you may get into should this fail... you need your partner to respect you otherwise you will fall into the same trap.

Max


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Is when she traps you with stuff just deflect tge exact same way she does. Answer with a question and really use here exact words back. What would she say if you told her it upsets you when she just leaves? Answer that way. She'll either say nothing or start being disrespectful. Then just say you won't tolerate disrespect and hang up.
Whether or not she's trying to control or not, doesn't matter much. She still needs to learn how to communicate in a way that eliminates guesswork. That you can change. Another thing too, you can speak the truth-something like you tell me you quitting on our marriage but you want to know where I am going? Why?


Me 43
W 41
S6,D9,S15
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