Spiff, no offense, but we need to find a better boat! Mutatio, it is awesome that you can see and share the positives in all this. I wish I felt as well about it as your stories, but they do help me. Thank you. Sotto, I agree that it will get better. Just rough right now, again. Every time I start feeling better, another setback occurs.
Does dropping the rope include giving up hope? I feel her last actions have shown me an ugly and bitter side of her, and will probably allow me to detach further. And going as dark as possible. But, I do still hope to someday find the beautiful side of her again. For her sake, mine, and the boys. They need that as well.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
No offense taken, my friend. I hate this dang boat and want out of it so badly!
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Does dropping the rope include giving up hope? I feel her last actions have shown me an ugly and bitter side of her, and will probably allow me to detach further. And going as dark as possible. But, I do still hope to someday find the beautiful side of her again. For her sake, mine, and the boys. They need that as well.
That is a question that plagues me as well. Thanks to Fogg for clearing it up a bit. So far, my W hasn't gotten ugly and bitter - that was only shortly after the BD, although some bitterness remains at what she calls the "situation" and not directed at me. Yeah right. But, little comments from her tell me that I am heading to a place where I don't want to go.
Guess we better hoist the main sail and batten down the hatches!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Man, don't be so hard on yourself. You're entitled to feel bad about things and let it out. Honestly, while I've been moving forward as well, I came home one night a few days ago from running some errands, walked into the empty house, and started crying. No idea why. Maybe the empty house. Don't know. I had felt perfectly fine until then...or so I thought.
My experience of this has been that I've gone from feeling bad all the time to feeling good most of the time, with occasional 'bads' sneaking in. My IC tells me it's perfectly normal and he'd be more worried if I didn't feel bad sometimes. He said it's only a problem if it's not diminishing in frequency and intensity, or if we're refusing to let go of it because, in a twisted way, the pain and grief is a connection back to our marriages and some people refuse to let go.
Just keep moving forward bro. You're doing good I think.
Spiff69...my kids have reconnected with me in a big way...especially one son who I had been having a harder time with (both my fault and his). They have both opened up to me about things that surprised me. They are both angry at W and have been generally avoiding her. I do want them to get over that because I don't want them to alienate her, but I think they are the ones who feel alienated by her. I don't feel good about that, but I do take some comfort in the fact that they care about the marriage and family.
On dropping the rope...the way I look at it, if you are holding on to the rope you're either trying to pull the spouse in your direction, or you are being dragged wherever they are going...like a puppy on a leash. Who wants that? We're adults!
As Seinfeld says...If I want a cookie, I can have a cookie!
Dropping the rope means you're going in your own direction and making decisions for yourself. You don't let the spouse's direction drive your decisions or feelings. What they do doesn't determine what you do or what you choose.
We often talk about this experience as being dragged behind them on a path we don't like, against our will. I think a better way to look at it is that the spouse is the one who has gone off the path...and now we're faced with the opportunity to choose our own path. We may not like it, may not think it's fair, may hurt, etc. But that is life. What matters most is not getting what we think we want right now, but in responding to this unwanted challenge in a positive way that helps us and our kids.
My W won't be my W in 10 years (I'm in the final stages of the D)...but I will need to have a life, my finances, and my health in 10 years, my kids will still be my kids in 10 years, etc.). And the future starts now.
Thanks guys. I wish I could accept this and move forward. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward through this part of the movie. But that would cheat me out of working on me, and helping the boys through this crap.
It [censored] not being with them every evening. I guess that is a step, right? I actually worried about missing them and not her. Different for me. It's usually her and then them... tonight it was just them. Tomorrow night I will be sleeping with 3 boys laying on me. I'm looking forward to that!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
No way around it. It does stink! But you have them as much as possible, and they love you and need you. You're not only there for them but you're doing everything you can. So many fathers aren't, but you are, and you're doing your best under very difficult circumstances. There is no love without commitment, and there is no good life without suffering. There's always a price to be paid and you're paying the price for their sake. The highest best thing you can do in this world. They're fortunate to have you.
I get the boys tonight, and tomorrow for lunch we will be with MY side of the family for the first time in years. My grandparents are getting sprung from the nursing home too, so it will be nice to see them in an un-depressing venue. Kids will have fun playing with cousins.
Talking with priest last night after lawyer was helpful. I have felt guilty about my feelings, un-christian-like, i guess. (probably not a word) Anyway, after the "i don't respect you as a person" comment, I realized that for the first time in years I do respect me. My feeling of self worth is higher than it has been in a long time. My depression is under control even through this awful experience, and I am thinking of my kids more than anything. He helped me to realize that I have lost my respect for her. And that it is ok to feel that way for now. It will help to detach. I hate that I feel that way, but I have to use it as best I can.
W tried calling me last night, while I was sitting with L. I didn't call back. Then she sent me a video from preschool play a couple days ago. It was nice of her, I think, but I didn't respond. I feel played. The timing on everything was too convenient. I don't know her motives, and I am not sure I ever will. She is so far different now. It saddens me. But she is playing victim for now. I am the root of all her pain. She doesn't respect me, but wants to be friends. Wants to go through with D, and then wants to call and text, etc. Told me that I don't need a L, then told me that if I don't agree to her proposal that I will have to sell off everything and we can split the money. The guns I have, mostly were my dads and grandpas. She is hitting below the belt with that. And said it in a cheery voice. Who is this woman?
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Make the best of the time with the kids that you have. Play silly with them. Do whatever they want, even if it is like 50 times in a row. That is the stuff they will remember. You got this!!
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I don't know her motives, and I am not sure I ever will. She is so far different now. It saddens me. But she is playing victim for now. I am the root of all her pain. She doesn't respect me, but wants to be friends. Wants to go through with D, and then wants to call and text, etc. Told me that I don't need a L, then told me that if I don't agree to her proposal that I will have to sell off everything and we can split the money. The guns I have, mostly were my dads and grandpas. She is hitting below the belt with that. And said it in a cheery voice. Who is this woman?
It seems like we are hearing the same thing. My W is also far, far different. Playing the poor victim. Tells her family all this stuff that I supposedly did. Twisted our history so much that she thoroughly believes it. However, mine is very easily manipulated by the b*tch of a sister who is also going through a divorce, but started like 6 months earlier. Most damning message I saw between the two was what the W sent her sister - "I never knew I was so sad." Let that sink in for a minute...
Mine, although not saying she wants to go through with the D, is giving every indication that is exactly where she wants to go through little comments. Like when talking about the MBR, she calls is "your room," or tells me that her upcoming move to the new base will give me a chance to get used to not having her around. Yet, at the same time like yours she wants to call and text. Wants to be friends. I am doing my best at holding in some very, very bad words... haha.
About the guns, do you have a trusted relative that you can "give" them to? That way, they won't be in the house and not part of the settlement - and get them back when all is said and done? Something to think about.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I agree about the firearms. Legally transfer them to a family member. "Sell" them for a dollar if necessary.
One of the biggest challenges I faced looking back now is that it takes some of us a while to make the behavioral change from seeing our spouse as our spouse and start seeing them as an adversary who is primarily out for himself/herself.
Unfortunately, at this time, and maybe for all time, she is not your friend.
