Re: LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (5)

[gs9]

I decided to just send an email that says "counter proposal?"

[gs9]

I'm a little down in the dumps today. Struggling to be awesome.

Still no counter proposal from WW

[Dawgs]

Hi gs9! Keep it up, brother. You ARE doing awesome. I wouldn't worry about the counter proposal - it will come in time. Unless you are wanting something other than that, but still...

[gs9]

Had more conversation this morning around coming to an agreement on the D terms. Neither of us want to pay the attorneys more. She has stated this and I have not. We have to come to an agreement by Monday or our hearing date of 12.18 will be pushed back. It will be changed from non-contested to contested. My L said we would probably be looking at year before it would settle bc the courts are so backed up. She definitely doesn't want this to drag on. I really don't either but I haven't told her that.

I'm still questioning whether I should respond to this txt communication
I sent a text that said "we both know we made mistakes. There's no point in hashing out the past. If you think this [censored] and you believe what you said last tuesday that "you love me more than anything in the world" then do something about it
She replied " You just finished telling me you don't think that I'll ever change into the woman you want and I don't think that you'll ever change and support me and put me first and care about me and love me and be faithful to me so why would I want it. Why would I change anything that's happening right now?
Don't forget you also completely blew me off Tuesday

I feel like I should text her that I don't believe this to be true. I believe we can change and that I don't want her to change into the woman she thinks I want. I want her to change into the woman she has told me she wants to be.

Having a rough couple days. Still in the dumps today.

[gs9]

Unless you are wanting something other than that

I don't want this to drag on. I need a change. I'm really struggling. I know change is coming but I just don't know what it will be. Either she'll decide to be healthy and fight for our M or I'll be divorced by 12.18. I'm really not looking forward to being divorced.

WW left a big bouquet of roses on the island in the kitchen. they are either from OM, her parents, coworkers, girlfriend etc. I guess it doesn't really matter. I feel like she put them there to get my attention. I didn't say anything about it.

I arrived home at 10pm last night. WW and D4 were sleeping in MBR. I took a shower and climbed in bed on my side. D4 sleeping between us. WW politely woke me once to tell my I was snoring. Almost like the old days. Makes me sad. I thought about sleeping in the other room but then I thought I'd be allowing her to step on my boundaries of where I'm going to sleep. I thought about waking her but thought that would be poking a sleeping bear. Trying not to create any fights especially when I'm trying to negotiate a decrease in child support. It felt weird. Almost wrong

WW and D4 are headed to her brothers for Thanksgiving today. They should be back on Saturday. I'm not looking forward to going home to an empty house. I really like having people around and this future looks lonely.

I try to remind myself my M is not dead yet but darn close and there are several people in my life who have recently lost loved ones. At least we're physically healthy.

I do want to save this M but not bc I'm scared to be alone. I've never had a problem finding girlfriends but I was hugging my little girl this morning and just told her "I'm sorry". I feel so bad for her. I want her to grow up in the same house with mom and dad. Not splitting time. I want WW to be the woman I know she wants to be and I know who she can be. I'm trying and have been working so hard. I'm exhausted. Really struggling today

[trumpet]

Hang in there gs9.

Yes, sounds like she's bi-polar.

My wife had a bad first relationship early in high school, and I think he was emotionally abusive. She has had issues with expressing emotions her whole time with me, and uses sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness to get her emotions out. Essentially, poor communication.

Did your wife have a bad upbringing (I might have missed all of your sitch, but I think you mention that in the last 4 pages). Tough to handle.

If she's still with OM, I think the D has to go through. You deserve a great life, with the daughter, and with someone who communicates directly, not through anger. If the D becomes contested, that's ok - take the time to make gs9 upgrade to 2.0.

Does your wife have anyone who can talk honestly to her?
My wife's friends and mother have told her to just D me, and see me as a speedbump to her being 'happy'. It's delusional, but to her it's true. If she's a Christian, talking to a Christian therapist or pastor/priest might be the way to crack her hard outer shell.

Learning lots in my counseling sessions, esp. in regards to communicating 'truth in love', not using sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness, and making sure I'm using healthy activities in my spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional components to keep from delving into bad behaviors to cope with the stress.

So far, my wife knows I'm not seeing anyone. That would seem to be a dagger into the heart of my wife. Is not admitting you're seeing someone helping or hurting your wife's emotional stability and potential to repair the relationship?

[vise82]

Hey GS9,

It will get better you are on a down swing right now, is there anything you can do to keep your mind off everything? You can get through this.

as for asking to text her back, you know what you want to do. I am no expert but you have to do what you think is right not what you feel is right. Give it some time to settle then ask yourself if you think you should text her back.

[gs9]

Thanks Trumpet
Our MC said he wouldn't be surprised if she was diagnosed bi-polar. Of course this set her off

She did have a rough upbringing. Her dad was emotionally, physically and verbally abusive.

I don't know which OM she is with now. She told me she still talks to her first PA. The 2nd PA told her he wouldn't talk to her again until the D was final and I know she has been talking to at least one more man. As far as where she stays when she doesn't come home I have no idea.

I started talking with a man from church who he and his wife made it through infidelity issues. His wife reached out to my wife blindly through email. I know they were communicating pretty regularly and even met for coffee but I don't know if they are still talking. WW sees a Christian IC periodically. She recently told me the only thing they talk about is why she can't move past the mistakes I've made in our M. She is unable to fully forgive and let anything go.

several weeks ago she accused me of seeing someone. After some thought I decided to give her the reinforcement that I wasn't. I felt it was something she was using as an excuse to continue on with her A's and the D. However, it didn't do any good. There wasn't a change for the better. She continued her A's and pressing forward with the D. I think she would say it's hurting the potential but when I did tell her I wasn't there wasn't any change. She must believe it's ok for her but not for me.
Cake eater

[gs9]

Thank you Vise

I plan on hitting the gym to relieve some of this anxiety. I have a lot of work that needs to get done but I'm having a hard time focusing.

as far as texting back. She sent the text 2 days ago. I can't help but wonder if I missed an opening to talk about the R. If she was reaching out and if she was would it last? Also, if I respond now am I pursuing? Trying not to miss any opportunities and to make the most of everyone.

[Dawgs]

Hey gs9!

Gonna share something my counselor told me in my session today. I won't repeat the whole story here - its in my thread at the end if you are interested. However, you said your W had an abusive upbringing. Google "symptoms of childhood abuse in adults" and see if any fits your W. Filled in so many holes for me.

Same as you, things are ok for them but not us...