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LouR Offline OP
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Just seen that I am nearing 100 posts -blimey! so need to start a new thread.

Chapter 5 here already. I have had a bit of movement in my sitch over the past few days so its a good way to start my new chapter.

Here are the links to my previous threads and a copy of my last post.

Help I want my sparkle back
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2516590&page=1

The book of Lou - Chapter 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2548148&page=1

The book of Lou - Chapter 3
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2590965&page=1

The book of Lou - Chapter 4
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2623994&page=1



Thank you so much Sotto, job and Mleigh. reading your messages was the boost I needed today

I spoke with h this evening - trying to condense an 1 1/2hr phone call into a post is not going to happen so will give you the key parts.

We have decided that spending so much money on what is ultimately a 30hr visit is silly. He very much wants to see me again but would rather wait until we can have more time together. We discussed when my next time off will be and its been decided he will come to me for 4 days - Arriving Christmas Eve smile so we will be spending Christmas together. He will drive up and bring the dogs, s18 will be here with his g/friend, so I will ask s21 if he wants to come up to.I had to mention its the sofa or my bedroom and he said my bedroom if that's ok, but how were we going to explain to s18 (our boys don't know about me and h being anymore than separated parents that weirdly talk alot!!) I said s18 wont think anything of it, in fact it prob would not surprise him at all, he thinks our relationship is "the most bizarre split on the planet"

He said it will also give him a few more weeks in therapy so hopefully will be a bit further ahead in himself.

We talked my future plans and came up with something that fits with us both, which gives him the space he needs and me the direction I need.

So the plan as it stands (which is always subject to change on this journey !!) is that I will try stick my job out until mid feb. I have a girls holiday planned for the end of Feb. Then I will go to the UK for a couple of months, I feel I need to draw a line under the UK and know that I am living in NZ because I want to, not because h is here or my kids are here - but because I choose to be here for myself and to be with them. (to give background, I came to NZ because h got offered a job and we thought why not, I was not that keen to leave my newly started job and friends, but it meant a lot to h and I always have followed him to wherever he went, this have been an issue for me without really knowing it was. I now need to close this door to move forwards with h). I will then return to NZ and move to the South Island to where a dear g/friend lives, its about 5hr drive from h, which means logistics for seeing each other will be easier, this will hopefully get more regular until we are ready to make it more permanent. H is hoping (and this is not set in stone, I know this, I won't be holding him to it, this process will take as long as it takes) that by the time his rental lease is up in Sept next year he would like to be at the point of us starting afresh somewhere new, together. Its not the time frame that surprised me, its the fact he has thought about all this - just goes to show that we have no idea what they think about !!

He opened up a bit more about what he has been thinking about and what he wants to change within himself, he said he does not want to discuss some things with me yet as he may not need to, which is fine by me. I told him there are things I don't wish to discuss with him yet either, but may do one day, or their importance may disappear, he said he feels the same way.

H had a really good weekend which I am so happy about. He said he did talk to one of the boys that he knows has reconciled with his partner after a break and told them he and I are trying to work things out - in fact, get this , he had told him a few months ago when they met up for another jolly weekend .....so they talked about it and h asked his friend for his advice on how to make it work, his friend told him that is the best thing he ever did, his relationship is much better and stronger now, but it takes a lot of communication and hard work, they have tough times still but its worth it. Great for h to hear.

Today has been a good day. I went to the pub with my g/friend, was sober driver on this occasion, but still a nice way to spend an afternoon. Spoke to h early evening and then went to my g/friends for dinner.

I don't want to waste my holidays so I have will have to think of a few nice things to do. 5 days to go ..... grin

Thanks for reading. Onwards and Forwards I go







Last edited by LouR; 11/15/15 11:22 AM.
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Hi Lou, sounds like your H is really thinking things through. I think it is a good sign. From what you described, it looks like a long journey, but in MLC world it is not that long. But, you have something to look forward to in the near future, the Christmas holidays. And then you will see how it goes. I’m very hopeful for you smile .

Have you decided what you are doing on these coming holidays?


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Hi Lou,
All this sounds very positive. Timeframe ... wow. You have a real shot at making this work my dear Lou, and I hope and pray that by this time next year you and H will be reunited and looking at this as a test you both passed with flying colors - one which has strengthened your commitment to each other and love.

When I think of where you guys were last year at this time, it gives me hope.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Wow Lou. That all sounds so great, I am really happy for you! I love how things are sort of planned out, so my style! It gives you something to work towards although you aware the time tables may change.

Your H shows such progress and you sound great. Definitely gives me hope smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Hi All, thank you Bright, bttrfly and mleigh for your support and encouraging words.

Not really much to report this week - I am on my hols :o) well earned and much needed.

Yesterday I went on a mini roadtrip with a g/friend, I took her to an outlet centre that she hadn't been to. It was a long day but nice and I managed to get a few Christmas bits for the kids stockings (well I say kids, more grown ups now lol). I did feel a bit used though as this is the second time we have done a trip out and both times I have driven as she is a nervous driver, but then I have ended up paying all the fuel, which grated on me a bit as I didn't actually need anything, was just going for a day out. Ah well, live n learn.

Today I was having lunch with a g/friend, I was to meet her at her work, when I turned up her colleagues said she was off sick, had been all weekend so not sure why she did not let me know - I seem to have some great friends .....lol. I ended up going to the beach for a walk and paddled in the sea, then took s18 and g/friend out for ice cream, so turned out a nice day.

I have plans for shopping and lunch with a g/friend on Friday but apart from that I intend to relax, go to the beach again and catch up with much neglected emails.

On the h front (bttrfly, progress, he rang x2 !!): I mentioned chatting over weekend if he was free, he rang sat morn, didn't talk about anything in particular, just general chit chat, boys, week, job etc. He mentioned s21 was visiting him with new g/friend for dinner on Sunday so he would text me what she is like - he rang me Sunday evening after they left. Conversation started off ok, then turned a bit, I hit a nerve by denying he told me something, his voice and demeanor changed, he has told me not to allow him to treat me badly so I started to stand my ground but realised that this was one battle not worth fighting, so steered the conversation around to change of subject. The conversation came around to me moving and that I want to make sure that whatever I do its the right thing for me, this lead him to opening up more about his thoughts and feelings on where he is head wise.

Key points were - his therapist calls it Transition, he has not had a breakdown and he is not depressed, he functions on a day to day level fine, just has a problem accepting and understanding who he is and what he wants. Oh, and he is sick of hearing the word Journey ha ha ha

He feels ashamed and embarrassed. He is frustrated that he cannot seem to work this out quickly, he considers himself an intelligent fast learner so this is highly annoying for him. He has prided himself in being a true "alpha male" so this has hit hard that he has lost control over his thoughts.

He is humbled that I still even talk to him let alone am working with him on reconciling, he said if I had done to him what he has done to me he would never have anything to do with me again.

He feels that he is about a yr behind me, he wants to make sure he has a healthy mind and a happy independent life before he fully commits to me, he would like us to develop our relationship slowly so we both are comfortable with it. Living an altered life is not an option for him so is not prepared to skip any steps, but totally understands if I find this all to long and hard going and want to walk away - but that is not saying he would be happy about it.

He wants to make sure that any decisions I make about my job, move, future is based on what I feel is right for me, not doing anything because of him, he does not want it on his conscience that I am unhappy in my choice because of him - that he has done that too many times in my past.

We touched on the past, the things which affected us both and the fact that they have now been removed so we will be going in to this from a new place. Our boys are no longer children, he is no longer in a job that takes him away, I have grown and developed my own separate life which makes me no longer dependent on him. I like him (most of the time), I want him (I miss him from my life), but I no longer NEED him.

Yesterday we text about Christmas visit, cost became an issue, travelling on Christmas eve, plus s21 not committing to coming or not and now gone to Fiji for a week so we have to wait until he gets back to nail him down for an answer. I ended up playing it down, said I hope it all works out but appreciate that we need to be sensible about money - of course I will be disappointing, but nothing I can do about it, its out of my control ......yeay, she's got it I hear you yelling !!

So now its back to thinking about what I want to do next - making sure its actually what I want and what is best for me - its hard, especially as I really have no clue - but I have become very good at allowing things to unfold as something will make the decisions for me, its that word again ....patience lol.

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Lou,
For the moment, you are going to have to do things that make sense to you, i.e., your job, moving, etc. Your h has a lot of growing up to do and yes, those demons are starting to unfold for him...but it takes a very long time for them to heal.

The best thing you can do for the both of you is to live your life to the fullest. He is aware that he's got a ways to go, so leave the door ajar and plan things for you and that make you happy along the way. When the time is right, he will run and catch up w/you. Okay?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you job for your advice.

I know I got way ahead of myself and am now feeling the disappointment. Its disheartening when you can see it but cant touch it.

Originally Posted By: job
The best thing you can do for the both of you is to live your life to the fullest.


This is where I am really struggling. The outer me is all smiles and laughs, my friends are in awe of the "strength" I have to move myself forward from what has happened to me, but my inside is telling a very different story, sadness and deep unhappiness. Dissatisfaction for how I am now living, the daily struggle to find the enthusiasm to keep going and to believe that life will get better. I worry about making ends meet each week, giving up the nicety's (like food, !!) to make that happen. And yes, I know that its the cards I have been dealt so get on with it, but it is hard to adjust to a life you never expected to be living. Goodness, I am throwing myself a pity party today .....well, I would but I cant afford to ha ha ha.

I only seem to know what I don't want, not what I do want, and that is such a negative attitude, I don't know why I am like this now. I have times of complete enthusiasm, I come up with a plan, then Bam! deflation. I look at how I am, I know that while I figure all this out I am wasting precious time - I am aware that I am only 7yrs off the age my mum died, she spent so much of her life doing for others that when she finally took time for her she lost her life, I don't want to be like that, I really don't want to look back feeling like I had such a sad existence, but unless I can get rid of these inner feelings then I fear I wont feel enjoyment and contentment, I wont have lead a fulfilling life. Its terrible, what holds them there?

So this is an honest post about what is happening inside, what I am really feeling. Sometimes we brush over the internal because we know no one really wants to hear it - like being asked "hows you day" at the checkout, you always reply "good thanks", its what we do, we don't say "well as you've asked, my h left me, my budgie died this morning, I locked myself out of my car, and oh I got an eviction notice from my landlord in the post - How's your day going?" lol.

I know you are all struggling in your own ways, some of you may feel the same as me, so I am giving you all a virtual hug, because once in a while we need one. {hugs}

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It is so good you posted this all today. We have all been dealt a tough hand and it is so healthy to get it out in this safe place. Don't worry, we know you have a sunny disposition!

Despite the hardships you are feeling, I am going to cheer you on. What you are feeling is a moment in time. It will pass. Feel it, accept it and then go do 1 thing for yourself. Try to get some fresh air--maybe a walk? Play some music as it is hard to be unhappy when listening to enjoyable music.

You are doing so well! You really are. I am sending you positive karma!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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LouR Offline OP
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Thank you HaWho for your positive vibes!

Took your advice and went to the beach for a walk. Its my calm place, I would love to live in a beach bach, that would be so idyllic to me.

h text me before I went, he wanted to know how my hol is going and am I relaxing. When I said yes, I am nearly back to my old self (but in a good way), he replied that it was well deserved and much needed. We text back and forth for a bit and left it in a good place. I will text him in a couple of days as per his request to contact him more often.

So now its a few ciders and nibbles on the porch in the sunshine, I am so destined for a coastal life ! One decision down lol.

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Don't ever hesitate or hold back on your sadness or frustrations, that is what we are here for. We all have it but work so hard to live around it. I think only time really heals it.

I love reading your updates and am so proud of your achievements. I like Hawhos idea, do something nice for you. For some reason I see your H in mine, thank you for sharing his thoughts.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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