Looks like I'm here

[beckyb]

Despite earnest DB efforts since July, D looks inevitable. I need to get my house on the market in February. We need some kind of legal agreement in place first. Since H is not moving the D along, I'm going to have to. This is his standard M.O. Do nothing so long that I have no choice but to take care of things.

Next week his L will get my settlement proposal. Any tips on how to navigate this with grace and mercy?

[kml]

Hi Becky, welcome to the club! No one wants to join, but we have great parties!

I'm sorry this has all been so quick for you. The divorce part, however, needs to be thought of as a business deal - not a place to settle the emotional baggage.

His eagerness to get the divorce done may work in your favor if you can get him to agree to a favorable settlement; the longer things go on, the less generous they get.

As for selling the house - you are smart to wait until you have an agreement in place before doing that. The division of the proceeds from the house need to be calculated into other division of assets. For instance, one of you might want to trade house equity for an interest in the other's pension, etc.

Make sure you get good legal advice about the financial matters, and remember - your divorce attorney is not a financial expert, so while they may be able to tell you about fair division of assets, they may not be able to discuss tax ramifications of different decisions.

Check out wife dot org which has excellent financial information for women getting a divorce. Also think about the following:
- don't be pushed into selling right away if it's not what you want to do. If this is your dream house and you fear you'll never be able to afford your own home again, it may pay to find a way to keep it. On the other hand, don't make yourself house poor, especially if you're not sure you'll stay in town or you don't want the upkeep.

- don't trade retirement assets for the house unless you are entirely secure on your own benefits.

- look at the tax ramifications of everything.

- I wish, in retrospect, that I had taken a lump sum instead of alimony in my divorce. It wasn't really possible, because our biggest asset was the house equity and ex wanted his share so he could purchase his dream beach cottage. But the bitterness that has been engendered by him having to write that alimony check every month has been extremely corrosive to any friendship we might have been able to develop post-divorce, and harmful to my adult children as well.

What is your financial situation like? Are your incomes comparable, or is there a big discrepancy? What assets are there to be divided?

And also - what would your dream future look like? Are there any ambitions you have put on hold during your marriage? Any crazy dreams you might want to pursue? (after my ex left, I took up playing the drums at the age of 53 and now I play in a punk rock cover band in my spare time:) )

Things have moved pretty fast in your sitch it sounds like, and there's no telling where things will go in the future, but take care of yourself financially through this process.
(And no, he won't do any of the work, most of them don't because they want the "zipless divorce", just like the zipless f___ in Erica Jong's Fear of Flying.)

[beckyb]

KML, thanks for your reply.

I make more money than my H and have my own retirement. Initially the thought is we would just split the house but now I think he has a different idea. He said we would not agree but I don't know what he wants. We used money from his job buy-out as a down payment so he thinks he's owed more. Legally though it was a marital asset. Not to mention the fact that my salary has kept us in this house. He's had a lot of health issues and has been off work a lot the last 4 years.

We've already split the household goods and the cash we had. Theoretically it should be easy but I think H is panicking and he has OW influencing him.

My retirement accounts are more than his but it would cost more than it's worth to figure out the difference. However he's not being very logical lately. I have no idea what he is going to counter with.

I do want to sell the house. It was our dream but it's not mine. It's too big and too far out of town.

My dream is to have a family again with an emotionally stable husband who wants to travel and garden and go camping with me.

In the mean time I'm carrying on with life. I recently started Pilates classes and I'm learning to play piano. Definitely not sitting around although the last month or so I'm feeling more depressed. I think it's the impending finality and the holidays.

All in all I haven't completely stopping DBing so I'm trying to approach this with grace and mercy. Even though I'd like to tell him exactly how I feel!

[kml]

If you make more than H, he might ask for alimony (although, if he's living with OW,he may not be able to get it. I lose my alimony if I cohabit with my boyfriend; the archaic legal presumption being that if I live with him, it's now HIS responsibility to support me).


As for the retirement funds, it didn't cost that much when I did the QDRO, less than $2000, so don't assume that he won't try to even those up.

Make sure you get good legal advice, and don't negotiate anything with H without running it past your lawyer first.

[beckyb]

I'm not going to negotiate with him. I'm way too emotional. It will go through L.

[beckyb]

I'm so frustrated with my attorney. I like him and feel like he knows what he's doing but he's an independent guy with no support and he's taking forever to finish my settlement agreement.

I really need to get my house on the market mid February but I need an agreement in place first. I don't think negotiation is going to be easy so we really need to get going now. Ugh.

How do you all survive all the things that need to be done jointly - like taxes and closing bank accounts. I don't even want to talk to H - it's too painful. I dread everything we still have to deal with together.

[beckyb]

I can I be ok with pushing my divorce through? It goes against everything I believe and want. But H has shown very few hopeful signs and I feel his heart is growing harder. My DB coach thinks there may be still some DB opportunities so I'll keep my eyes open.

Bottom line is emotionally and financially I need to get my house sold so I have no choice but to put forth a settlement.

I hate this.

[beckyb]

Above should have said.. How can I?

[kml]

Remember that the divorce is about business and protecting yourself financially. Make the decisions that are best for you financially. There is nothing about the paperwork of the divorce that will prevent him from coming back if he wants to come back.

I've seen WASs here turn around at the last minute before a divorce was finalized, or try to come back years later after divorce and remarriage to the OP! Anything is possible. But it's usually a mistake to put off the divorce if it means you will suffer financially in some way. I haven't seen anybody win their spouse back just because they rolled over and gave everything away in the divorce.

Also, the longer you wait, the less generous the WAS becomes. It's often better to strike while they still feel some modicum of guilt.

[beckyb]

Thanks KLM. Unfortunately I think I missed the guilt window. T D does need to move forward. Now just wait for attorney to make my edits to the proposal.