I wish I had found this website earlier and got the book Divorce Busters earlier too. I'm afraid that I've made some really bad mistakes since finding out, and may have damaged my marriage even more than it was when I first found out.
I'm 44, my wife 40, 3 kids 11, 9,8. I make a comfortable living, we live in a nice house, I thought we had a nice life together. About 1.5 years ago my wife started a new career in residential real estate. Prior to that she was a housewife and worked part time when the kids got a little older. I had reservations about her being a RE agent because I know the job entails working on weekends, and after work hours, because that's when your client have time. Sure enough, after she started the job, she was out 2-3 times a week a night, and usually on Sunday afternoons. At first I put up with it, even though I felt she was neglecting our family and me. Then about July/Aug she really started going out 3,4, sometimes 5 nights a week. She even when out on my birtday.
Prior to this I trusted my wife fully. She didn't seem the type to be unfaithful. But I started to worry, not only from the frequency of her going out, but I could sense something was wrong between us. I checked on of her email accounts and found a string of emails with another man. The subject was beyond normal friendship. I confronted her right away, and she admitted an emotional affair. I was in shock, very sad, felt desperate in a panic. The next couple days I wanted to talk aobut it, but she didn't seem like she wanted to. But we did talk, and I said she needs to end the relationship. She said she would but needed to talk to the guy in person one last time. Two days later my wife and the other man, met at a hotel and made the affair a physical one. I later found out that I caught her right at the peak of the affair. I lost it from that point on. Anger set in big time. I wanted to leave the house, but she convinced me to stay me. I asked her if she didn't love me anymore and if she wanted a divorce. She said she loved me less, but was not considering divorce. The next couple weeks I got angry every two or three days and we fought. I kept snooping and found out the guys name, where he lives, his wifes name, where he works. She really didn't like this and said my anger and snooping makes her love me even less. That made me even more angry. She said she needs time to figure out what she wants to do. She even did an initial consultation with a divorce atty. So did I, after I found out she did. When I ask why she had the affair, she says that although our marriage was comfortable and not bad, it lacked fun/romance. This is true, because I felt the same way since her new career. I even tried to communicate with her about this. She claims she tried to talk to me, but I can't remember any attempt. And why not do that when I tried to communicate about the same issue?
My wife never really showed any remorse or empathy about how much she has hurt me. Although she has always been the type of person who is very reserved about showing her feelings. But I still thing for something major like this, some feelings would be shown. She only cried once when I found out they had sex. And another time when she asked how can I still love her, and I said I loved the way she was before the affair.
The same pattern continued for several weeks, I would find out or suspect something was going one between them and confront her with anger. She got a second cell phone, to protect her privacy (her regular cell phone is under my name/acct). We did see a MC. MC recommended she spend some time away from me which she did, about a week. MC told her to have some kind of decision on what she wanted to do after a week. During the week she admitted seeing the other man couple times, and supposedly no sex. After the 1 week separation, she came back and said she doesn't think we can reconcile. So I asked her, do you want a divorce then. I never got a straight answer. But agreed to give he more time to think about it if she promised No contact with the other guy. In the meantime, I contacted the other guys wife. My wife and the other guy know I sent his wife a letter. But they do not know we've been in constant contact since then. We even met in person a few times. So we've been sharing information on our respective spouses whereabouts. It seems like my wife is still in contact with the other man. She got a new laptop, which he probably bought for her.
The same pattern continues where I get angry,except less frequently, maybe once a week. At some point I realized getting angry has not helped. In fact I realize it probably pushed my wife further away as well as the snooping. So my goal was to not get angry even when I feel it, do not confront her if I think I found out something , and don't tell her I'm still snooping (although less than before as it just triggers more anger). I told my attorney to file for divorce. Mainly because I can't stand this situation. I know 10-11 weeks is not long. But I really cant handle it. I lost 22 lbs (15% of my body weight), I have trouble sleeping, I keep focusing on my wife/the affair, I'm so suspicious. If my wife agreed to end the affair and let me at least verify it somehow, I could wait longer. But I'm reasonably sure it is still going on. Maybe no physically, but emotionally and there is definitely communication between them still.
My wife was supposed to be served with the divorce papers last week, but I think the process server was busy. Then I found this website and the DB book. And I realized how much I messed things up even more by my actions and anger. Since I found this website, I've been nicer to my wife. Not puppy dog nice. But I just do the normal things I used to do before I found out about the affair. I cook sometimes, help with her work questions (I'm a commercial RE agent), I try to talk to her more about regular stuff (not the affair or our relationship). We still live in the same house, eat dinner with the family, take care of the kids. But she has been sleeping in my daughter rooms for several weeks. And refuses any physical contact with me. So I stopped even trying to do that. Anyway the last fews days has been okay. I feel less anger, but I am still very worried/suspicious every time my wife has to go out. The frequency has returned to a normal 2-3 times a week. We have been polite to each other. It almost feels like before except without the affection/physical contact/sex.
I'm worried about her reaction once she get's served. I regret filing for divorce. But feel like I can't back down as I implied that I would do that. I feel like I should have given my wife more space and time to think things over. Instead I've been a monster of anger, distrust, sadness, and that's all she has seen prior to the last few days.
Any advice? I still love my wife. She was a good wife and mother until the affair. I don't know if she just temporarily lost her way. Or if she has changed permanently into someone else. I fear what will happen to our family. I feel like our marriage at least deserves that we try to fix things. If we can't at least we tried. And that would be easier to live with. But so far, she has not said she wants to try. Probably because I've been a total jerk until earlier this week.
Let me start by saying I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation that so many of us are in. I know what you are going through with the anxiety and the weight loss and the anger. We have all pretty much reacted like you did when were first found out and didn't know how to behave any better... take heart in knowing that so early on it is likely your wife doesn't really know what she wants. Giving time and space can work in your favor, filing for divorce so early probably will not.
I would tell her as soon as you can that you have divorce papers coming her way, but that you have changed your mind and don't want to carry on with that yet. Tell her you understand that she may need more time to process her feelings about you and the other man and come to a decision (make sure YOU understand that in granting her time you are opening yourself up to a long wait and no guarantees).
And I know about the anger and the cycling between being a decent, loving human being and your most angry incarnation. I was there in Angrytown myself just today, even though I really ought to know better.
Keep reading the DB book, read all the threads in the newbie resources section from Cadet. They are SO helpful. I have started taking notes and printing off copies of some of this stuff so I can have constant reminders/reinforcement to review when I have the time.
Being calm, being patient, being loving from afar, being quiet, being "dim/dark", giving space, letting her initiate the interactions... all those things are what YOU can do to make it easier for her to find her way home. You can't force her into making a decision before she is ready, if you do it will backfire. She will make the only choice she thinks she has right now, which is escape/avoid.
I am only 5 weeks post bombdrop myself, but I was lucky and stumbled onto this site much sooner. It is not an easy path, you have to decide if you are in it for the long haul, because there are no quick fixes and there will be plenty of bumps in the road and you will make mistakes. The good news is that most of our runaway spouses are still not as certain of their decisions and intentions as they state. It is our job to step back and let those doubts continue to grow and work on making ourselves a spouse they would be a fool to want to leave.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what s/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone s/he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how s/he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Your wife has "alien brain" right now. Can't compete with someone who is caught up in a delusion. Take care of yourself. Keep reading here and posting. Take what you want for the insight from others. Question what you don't agree with.
It's not too late.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Hi, I am in this situation now. Just wondered if anyone at all has had success with the 180. Unfortunately I've done pretty much everything on the list above before getting to this site and it looks like the divorce papers are in the post. Please help anyone, we have a 7 year old son too and I'm desperate.
Can you share more details? The 180 has been successful, but more info is needed to determine your best course of action.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Your wife needs a man she can respect. Not someone that's going to small talk with her, cook her dinner, help her with work all while you know she's actively engaging in an affair.
She's going to act out and continue to push you as long as you let her.
You should tell her she's going to be served with divorce papers.
