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Anna25 Offline OP
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Yes I told him that I'm not paying for anything more than right now and everything else has to come from him.
It's just sad that he wants to do whatever he wants and sees even his kids as obstacles to his freedom.

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Hi Anna, it sounds like you are coping well in truly difficult circumstances. From what your H says, it sounds as though he expects he will be late again at some point soon. What is your back up plan if that does happen? Is there flexibility with your work on arrival times?

Just a thought, but it may be an idea if your back up plan (something that you control and don't rely on him for) is a bit of a natural deterrent. For example - 'Oh, SIL/PIL have said I'm welcome to drop the kids round at theirs for an hour if you're running late" (Shows him in a poor light with his family...) or similar.

So, it sounds as though there may have been some adjustment with his living arrangements - perhaps involving OW? I know that must hurt, but from a sitch POV it may be no bad thing. I think the longest running sitches are those where an A has been able to remain in 'fantasy' stage for a while. Once they get to deal with dripping laundry, washing up, PMT, grocery shopping, childcare responsibilities, low funds together....the gloss tends to wear off.

You in the meantime will be in forwards motion - reflecting on things you want to work on for yourself, building your own confidence, enjoying the kids and so on.

Keep going Anna - it may not feel like it, but things are moving forward and the main focus needs to be you and the kids and keeping your head WRT your H.

Hope you have a good weekend my friend xx

Last edited by Sotto; 11/21/15 07:59 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Had a good weekend considering the circumstances.

On Saturday we had a little photo shoot for my D3 in my home country's dress which celebrates rite of passage. I let H know he is welcomed to come see her and take pictures. H showed up late and spent only 30min. D3 was happy to see him.
D3 looked very pretty and had fun. I am very grateful that she is a healthy happy kid.

Last night he came to see the kids for about 1.5h, but mostly we talked about the daycare arrangement. It turns out the time might not work for us. I'm sure H will keep looking for another one because he really seems to want to be free from kids during the day. (To get another job and/or free time ) H agreed to pay anything more than our current childcare cost.

SIL is a stay home mom and always supportive on the emergency stiches, so I can drop the kids off with her if necessary. I used to be reluctant since I know she has her life too, but not anymore.

I agree with you Sotto.
At this point I have no choice but to let go of H. He has no interest in kids or me or family life at this moment and H has to see himself where his "ideal" "free" life will take him.

I believe if we are meant to be, we will find our path back to each other. Till then, I will be the best mom and find out who I want to be.

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H came over supposedly for a cake of S2's b-day with a gift.
We opened the gifts together, and he walked the dog while kids ate dinner. I was about to take out the cake when he came back, and he said he has to go. D3 asked him if he wants to eat the cake, and he said yeah maybe tomorrow. He stayed barely for an hour.

So I guess he must have gone somewhere with OW for Thanksgiving dinner. I don't know if it's her family or maybe friends. I don't know what kind of family is ok with their daughter bringing a married man with little kids to their holiday dinner.
It stinks. It hurts that holiday with her is more important to him than his son's birthday.

But I don't think I will even mention Christmas to him anymore. I thought he wanted to be included in kids' lives, but I guess not.
Tomorrow SIL invited us for a get together, I don't think H is coming, so I'm hoping to have a better day.

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Hi Anna, I'm sorry it wasn't the easiest day Sweetie. People I have spoken to at my Divorce Recovery Group have said that the pain caused for their kids was harder for the pain caused to themselves.

Who knows where he went for the rest of the day. It may not have been a short visit because he had somewhere to be...he may have had a pretty lonely day IDK..

If he did spend time with OW family, there is likely some story they have been told - like 'he and his W separated earlier this year' or similar. They are unlikely to know it is an A. In my experience, not many people really admit to that unless they don't see another option. My H didn't tell his parents about his A for a good while. At one point I asked him if they knew and he said he presumed so(??)

I hope the get together at SILs went well though. Please remember that what H wants now could well change. At the moment, he is rejecting his old life for the shiny new dream. But as reality seeps in, his R with you and his kids may come more to the forefront. As for Xmas, well I would make it as nice a one as possible in all the circumstances. Plan some nice things for you and the kids, and if H wants to be a part of it, you and he can agree how that will work.

Take care Anna...you're doing so well. This is neither a short or easy road. But we are on it and we make it through the best we can.

xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I'm glad Thanksgiving weekend is over! I know we still have Christmas and New Year's and Valentine's Day and my birthday coming up and....oh well I shouldn't worry ahead.

Sotto, my H hasn't told his parents yet either. I think he is hoping for them to get a whiff from his sister, but his sister insists H has to tell them himself.

H came over on Sat night to see the kids and it was fine. I guess he was in no hurry (prob. OW was working or something), so he was pleasant and a little more engaged, asked questions how our day was etc.
He said to the kids "see you tomorrow" when he left, but he did not show up on Sun. So I asked him not to do that to the kids. H said he is sorry, he was gonna come, but it gets hard to come & see the kids just a little bit, but he really did want to see them. I don't really know what it means or if he means it, so I just left at it and didn't reply.

Do people stay in the same town/city after D? When I take out the kids or go out to dinner or something, it pains me so much because I have been everywhere with H in this city. It is a big city, but after all, we spent 13 years here and every restaurant or park just reminds me of memories with H. I know I shouldn't live in the past, but I can't help it...

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Journaling...

I asked H to watch S2 for a few hours this Saturday and he said ok one week ago. Of course he canceled it at the last minute without providing any reason. I told him I'm sorry he feels his plans are important, but not mine or kids. No response.
H shows up late every morning by 15-20 min despite of me asking to be on time repeatedly. It is clear that he shows no respect for my time or work.
H can look for a daycare if he doesn't want to come watch the kids. But I'm not going to pay for it(and I can't either), so he has to take the initiative.

I also had asked H for next Friday night off because I have some work function. He said ok. (It's not like he is getting extra day off, he just had to ask for a particular date for the week because his shift varies by week)

Now H asked if I can take Tuesday off. I'll have a visitor at work so I really can't(my work is regular M-F), so H is mad saying it's not fair.
I take care of kids on all my day offs. I only go out when H is already off, maybe once a week for a few hours. H has all the other nights and my weekend.
I don't mind being with kids because I love it. But he can't call me unfair for this, can he? I know it's meaningless to reason with WWS, but I just had to vent.

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He does this because he can. You allow it. I've been there and it [censored]! !!

If he isn't there on time take them to his parents/sisters and drop them off.

You need court orders that include child support for day care. It will also outline the exact times/days he has the kids so you can plan things for yourself. If he doesn't show then document and drop them off with the in-laws.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Hi Anna, I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I agree with Twin that an agreed parenting plan would be helpful now you are S. That way, you both know when you have the kids with you and can make plans based on that. Yes, that agreed schedule can flex from time to time with agreement, but at least you have a firm basis to work from.

Anyway, do drop in for an update when you get chance my friend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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